These Tears Are Far From Sadness

The tears are unavoidable, yet my first thought every November 2nd is to try and swallow them before they spill down my face. I spent years shedding them hidden from the world around me; I just can't share the pain. While I sit here, openly crying in front of my youngest son, writing this, I don't know that it will ever be possible for anyone to understand the depth and intensity of pain the memories of being raped hold. That kind of trauma is far too personal to ever truly be shared completely.

I have openly laid out details, both verbally and written, of my rape, though the only people who have heard the worst of it sat with me in three different courtrooms between the years of 2006 and 2010. Even they don't know it all. They were given enough information to put both vile monsters behind bars for a long time.

I once thought strength meant being stoic, and resisting the urge to break down and cry. Tears were synonymous with weakness, and I had survived being brutally raped, so how could I possibly allow myself to be weak? Though the emotions and tears seemed like an undesirable side-effect of that awful night, over time I have realized that they are the most intense and grateful celebration of life.

The tears I shed in response to the memories of my rape, especially those that fall on November 2nd, are moments of absolute awareness that my life - every second of it, is precious. So many things happened within me as those violent acts were thrust upon me. Self-awareness, the most pure connection with life, the deepest desire to continue breathing, conflict over wanting to block out the physical pain and the fear, and clinging to every ounce of both to maintain my existence...to this day I remember it all.

A world I couldn't ever have imagined was born the very moment I was submerged in horror. There really is a good to every bad. There are moments, like right now, that I wish I had Dumbledore's Pensieve and a vial of these tears. Then it might be possible to express how the pain and joy can coexist; how it is that I value far more than I ever thought possible about this life I am a part of.