Ready Or Not, Here We Go

I'm always up for a Harry Potter movie. It doesn't matter how many times I've seen it, I will still watch it and get wrapped in the story. Of course I will always comment on how the books are far superior, but the magical world J.K. Rowling created sucks me in every single time. 

Last night, my youngest (not so young at 17) asked me to watch Prisoner of Azkaban with him. Again, it's Harry Potter, so of course, but I also knew that this request was about more than the movie. The teen has been worked into nervous knots over starting his final year in high school. A sensitive and far more emotional child than my oldest, the prospect of life after high school has him apprehensive. I remember my own last first day, and while I don't recall being as reluctant to finish out that part of my life journey, I understand the magnitude of what he's feeling.

It's been difficult to accept that my baby has reached this age already. It felt like just yesterday that he started kindergarten, after all. There won't be waterfalls of tears and little arms clinging to me, making it hard to leave. Instead, there will be an empathetic knot in my stomach as I, too, work through the shock and mixed emotions of it all. I'm excited, but there is a big part of me that wishes I could stop time. 

This year is going to present us both with a few challenges, revelations and hopefully, celebrations. Time to strap in, the road could get pretty bumpy between now and this time next year. For now, I have the task of finding a photographer for his senior pictures to occupy my reminiscent, mother's mind.

Listen To What Others Have To Say

I have to say, I've never found myself in this position before. Typically, when I start dating someone, or rather when other people in my life finally meet them, they are subjected to comments and carefully stated words of warning about not hurting me. That has not happened this time. What has occurred is a seemingly similar string of interactions that have left me feeling like I'm the one who has been 'warned'. While it isn't anything close to a true warning or caution to do right by this man, I'm observant and intuitive enough to realize the gist of the words' meaning.

This man has the same type of relationships with friends that I have with my own. He has surrounded himself with genuine people who foster positive energy and truly invest themselves in the bonds they form with others. This is the kind of person that never understood I always wanted to find. I had no way of ever comprehending how important a person's many other relationships could possibly be when it came to starting a new one.

When there are no snide remarks, jokes or less than flattering comments made about a person from his friends; when every comment or statement in his absence just reinforces everything you already have come to know — there are no questions, no second-guessing. Decades of time and a long string of failed relationships couldn't have ever hinted to this, and as simple as it is, I'm only just figuring it out.

Being involved with a person who is respected and appreciated by those who care about him is like nothing I could ever adequately describe. It isn't as though his worth as a person is unknown without the true words of protective praise from friends, but there is something incredible about the unsolicited commentary that intensifies the light I was already drawn to. Having the same caliber of people in my own life, I value the honesty and appreciate the very real expressions that show just how cared for this man is.

I don't like to think just how close we were to not having started down this road. I'm glad I didn't miss out on getting to know him. I'm looking forward to going wherever this road may lead, and adding even more loyal, loving and genuine people to my life. I have no qualms proving myself and my intentions regarding this man because the result is well worth it. That, and I know I'm every bit the catch that he is ;)

Make The Most Of Today

Let's see just how much I can pack into the next 14 hours. There's house cleaning, the last bits of unpacking from moving a month ago, and sunshine to enjoy! Of course, I need to get off my ass if any of that is going to happen.

I haven't spent much time at the beach this summer. I never thought there would be a time when I didn't try to squeeze in as much sun, sand and sea as I could possibly finagle, but I'm living it now. I suppose there is a reason for everything or at the very least a benefit to having avoided the frequent exposure to those UV rays. I've not added to the aging process by way of cooking my skin and I've spared myself another year's increasing of skin cancer odds. Those things count for something.

Freckles still cover my skin and I'm not nearly as pale as I will be in a couple of months, but I definitely look like someone who hasn't been aware it's summertime. There are far worse things than that, so I consider myself fortunate no matter how much I may miss occupying my small section of sandy beach for a few hours here and there.

There have been no hiking adventures beyond the first of the year with my friend Jenna. I think that I have missed those more than basking in the sun, though it's a tough call. Life got busy in ways I didn't imagine, meaning the way I spent my downtime changed as well. Despite the fact that there are things I have always enjoyed doing that eluded me much of this warm weather season, I have experienced other things that I might not otherwise have been able to.

Change doesn't have to be a negative thing. Missing the things we enjoy is a great indicator that our time was well spent and that we are fortunate to have experienced the joy that those things evoked. Rather than hang onto the past, unable to be open to new experiences, I'd much rather be adaptive and embrace whatever comes my way. Today, and every day, I welcome every moment.

More Focus Please

Over the past two weeks, I've done a lot of sitting on my ass. A necessary evil in the act of healing, but irritating nonetheless. The things is, for as much lack of physical activity as I've had, I'm not actually resting — and definitely not relaxing. The less body movement I have, the more thinking, planning, and analyzing I do. Scatterbrained might best describe my current mental state, as my thoughts have been in several places at once, and few of them jive.

I workout for several reasons, not the least of which is mental clarity. When I'm lifting weights I'm focused. I'm not thinking about the meeting I have in an hour, what I'm making for dinner, or how the day's transportation is going to go. There are no thoughts of 'what if', no berating myself for forgetting something — I'm simply focused on the challenge of the moment. As exhausting and physically taxing as it is, it is the only time that I am not being pulled in numerous directions, splitting my focus and energy.

It baffles me that I can slow down and do one thing without distraction or interruption, yet somehow believe I cannot apply this to any other part of my day. Without a doubt, if I did, next to nothing would get done, but there are other moments when tuning what's around me out would be beneficial. When my sons come into the room and want to talk, why don't I set down my phone, laptop or TV remote more often? In the morning before anyone else is awake, how is it I don't sit in the quiet with my coffee and listen to the birds — they are so active and represent the amazing variance life possesses.

I could sit and question these things until I find the answer, or I can acknowledge change is necessary and start being more present when it counts. To me and to those around me. What good is all the adventure, effort, and accomplishment if the presence of mind and undivided attention are rarely exercised?

I Can Be Complicated Once In A Blue Moon

I'm just one who-gives-a-fuck from becoming the antisocial old bag I know I could be if I would only apply myself. I don't mean that in a pissy-I'm-being-negative-and-whiny sort of way. The older I get, the less I give a shit about socializing. I love the people in my life — don't get me wrong, but I've spent decades being concerned, invested and interested in others' lives and there are days when I could walk away from it all without a second thought.

It is likely the reason for this has something to do with my sign. As a Sagittarian, the underlying current of thought and emotion is wanderlust. I've been still for too long and lately, all I want to do is change shit the fuck up. Sure, I moved recently, and I just decided to go back to school, but I need a real change of scenery. At the very least I need a fucking vacation. Since it doesn't look like either of those things will be happening in the near future, the itch has led me to want to withdraw from social circles. Not that my circles are numerous, or incredibly active, to begin with.

By no means am I saying I've tired of my friends and family. This is a recurring theme in my life. If I can't wander or get away, I want to withdraw. Not completely, just enough to miss the connections and banter I typically love and thrive with.

I rarely allow myself the opportunity to be selfish or focused on what I want. Sure, I do things I like to do and go places I want to go, but I don't spend nearly enough time nurturing me. It's hard to separate myself from being dependable and amiable because I've spent a lifetime giving my all to those things, not just because it brings me some sort of joy, but also because I don't want to disappoint those who have come to rely on this version of me.

I'll never pull away for long, the weight of what that could mean is far too heavy to ever truly consider. I will sit in the quiet for a short while and be right back in the thick of it, barely missing a beat. All this energy and time would be a terrible waste without people to share it all with.

Hitting The Books...Again

Of all the things I want to do in my life, there comes a time when you have to realize that taking the time to pursue something you might not be looking forward is essential. In fact, it may well be the way to will put you in a better position to enjoy the things you look forward to. A bit of work and investment can mean the difference between what avenues are available to you in the long run.

Why I didn't finish my bachelor's degree six years ago is somewhat silly to me now. At the time, I saw my tuition costs for getting my online Associates' and got cold feet about adding to that debt. I was (and still am) a working, single parent and while you'd think the benefits of financial aid and scholarships would be great, I didn't really get much assistance in that department. Blame it on my resourceful nature, as working two and three jobs made it look as though I could afford school mostly on my own on paper.

I have experience in the industry I hope to continue working in, but not having that piece of paper to list on my resume has undoubtedly hurt me when it comes to competing for jobs. Hey, I made the choices I made at the time because they seemed right, now all I can do is play catch up. I'm not complaining, I may not have chosen the area of concentration that would have best benefitted my current line of work six years ago. At 44, I have a more focused direction than I did at 38 when my main objective was to keep a roof over my sons' heads and keep them fed.

Given the current level of busy in my life, I'd be lying if I didn't say the prospect of going back to school has me nervous. Not because I'm afraid of the work or that I won't succeed, but because I don't want my status quo to suffer. I willingly have myself going in several directions at the moment and while I am quite capable of keeping things going smoothly, it's been some time since I had to make the kind of changes and sacrifice that going back to school will bring about.

For certain there are other benefits to enrolling in a degree program that are hard to dismiss. At least for my youngest son's first year in college, his financial aid will be based on three people being enrolled in college in our household. Given his choices in potential schools, anything that reduces his tuition costs will be helpful. Obviously, my marketability job-wise will increase, opening up more opportunity to continue earning a comfortable wage. I haven't abandoned my goal of finishing my book, but working toward that dream isn't going to pay the bills right now. I'm not out of a job at the moment, though the nature of what I do is always uncertain. It's always a good thing to stay a step or two ahead of even potential setbacks and upheavals.

Nothing in life is free; either you're paying in sweat, time and effort, or you're paying in hard earned money. I've spent a fair amount of my life doing both, and when I look around at my life, I'd say all the investment has paid off. It's a no-brainer that this next step will produce the same beneficial outcome. Come spring semester, I'll be hitting the books, proving exactly that. Wish me luck.

I Don't Know What Possesses People At Times

Earlier today, I sent my boyfriend a selfie. Not that kind of selfie; just one of my face to say 'hey, I miss you'. I ended up liking the photo enough to use it as my profile picture on Facebook.

All in all, that's not much different than how I arrive at choosing most of my profile pics. Actually, most of the photos I have on social media I have deemed share-worthy at some point, otherwise I would not have posted them to begin with. It's a great way to keep friends and family updated, and even sometimes entertained. Numerous conversation threads have come about by the simple act of posting a photo. Fun interactions, heated debates, and heartwarming sentiment  often ensue, which is part of the allure of social media. Positive interactions and feedback are something most of us who utilize these social platforms look forward to.

I enjoy seeing snippets of other people's days and it truly does help the feeling of staying connected in some way. Watching how my friends kids have grown through the years, excitedly following along on someone's vacation adventure, or keeping up with the humorous moments nearly always brings a smile to my face, and I welcome that same interaction to the parts of my life that I choose to share. The problem is, mixed in with all the genuine comments, encouragement and such are not so well-meaning people. The kind of people who think it's acceptable to leave comments that are too personal, flirtatious, or just plain mean. Private messages are even worse. Maybe I've got a somewhat dated view of appropriate behavior, but I can't imagine thinking I'm so anonymous or removed from something that I could just send some of the messages I've been sent by others.

Posting photos or writing a status update can lead to great connections with others, but it can also open you up to interactions you'd prefer not to have. I'm not as reactionary as I once was, and while I am fully aware that I can simply unfriend someone for being out-of-line, I tend to choose to avoid that route. With the good comes the bad, it's the way of life. I choose to ignore it and focus on those conversations I want to be part of because they are healthy, contribute to my growth, and boost the feel-good energy for a more positive existence. I don't appreciate the way some people ignore boundaries, but I'm also not going to give those actions more of my time and energy than I can spare. I'll continue to post whatever I want to share, all the while knowing the possibility of undesirable comments and attempts at conversations I have no interest in engaging in is quite real.

There is no getting overly offended here. I know that being active and sharing online has its drawbacks. Fortunately for me, the benefits and positive aspects far outweigh the few negative or inappropriate encounters I've had.

It's The Little Things

A moment that stops me in my tracks and floods me with happy feelings doesn't need to be monumental in size. Often times it's the seemingly small things that could potentially be overlooked that make the biggest impact. When something unexpected happens, that's life presenting you with an opportunity to be grateful for all you have.

For me, it could be something like someone holding a door open for me or being greeted with kind words. When you are surrounded by the noise of your thoughts and that kind of kindness breaks through, it can put things into perspective. I'm not talking life changing or ground-breaking, but enough to remind a person that there is life beyond the confines of a busy mind.

I feel fortunate to finally understand that every day brings with it the possibility to be happy, to make others happy and to love life. Even on the quietest and most preoccupied days, there is always time to stop and smell the roses. If I don't find the time on my own, at least I am receptive enough to the Universe to feel the nudge from someone else. Appreciate all the moments that make you smile. They are all, big and small, ingredients in the recipe for a life that is full and happy.

Circle Of Life

I'm a true believer that what you put out in the world is what will come back to you. The energy with which you conduct yourself, both while in solitude and among the masses, attracts like energy. The people in your life, the events of any given day and what the Universe puts in your life path are all the result of the energy you exude.

More than just positive thinking, positive living is essential if you want to experience more opportunity for growth and happiness. The more proactive you are, the more prepared and in tune you will be to all that potential and possibility. Sure, living with intention is a lot of work, but when you think about the alternative of living without purpose, the effort, and dedication you will have to expend to maintain the right intention is so worth the outcome.

The idea of living life stuck in a loop of misfortune and anger isn't attractive to me. I doubt that it's anyone's idea of living. The sad reality is that too many give up their power to change their path and circumstances out of fear. Fear that the unknown requires work to navigate, fear that they might endure setbacks on their way to better days, and strangely, fear that they might experience happiness and prosperity. That last one, that's the biggest hurdle for some. Not because they don't want to experience happiness, but because they can't bear the thought of losing it.

What is missed, however, is that once you've allowed the lighter days to grace your existence, you have a better understanding of how to create them. You might face the loss of a particular relationship or the end of a most enjoyable period of life, and while it is difficult to accept, it's important to take what you can from those things and continue to push on. The lessons and emotional experiences we collect through the years are the tools we need to continue making our way through the next.

It's good to feel the pain, sadness, and disappointment of things that end. These are things that shouldn't be feared or avoided. Without them, the height of happiness would be impossible to measure.

Tossing And Turning

I rarely have issues sleeping. Every so often I might have a hard time falling asleep or wake up and not be able to fall right back to sleep, but it is not often that I toss and turn all night. Last night, I couldn't fall asleep for anything. I don't believe I actually made it to any kind of real, deep sleep either. It's going to be an interesting day.

There's the distinct possibility the black iced coffee with 2 shots of espresso I had yesterday around noon might be responsible. The thing is, I drink coffee far later than that quite often and never have an issue sleeping. The explanation I like less, and a more likely cause, is that I've hit a hormonal change  — and one I am not keen on truly acknowledging as possible, let alone happening.

By no means am I saying I've hit the big M, but there's little point in denying that that precursor to the grand show is threatening to start its decade-long stint before big sister takes the stage to show her how it's really done. Of course, other than this bout of insomnia, the only other sign I've experienced is night sweats once in a great while. I could well be jumping to conclusions, though I know that I am on the cusp of female hell one way or another.

My hope is that this period in life ends up being far less obnoxious than I've heard from others. If my tolerance of pain is any indication or has any bearing on how I will withstand this mid-life bullshit, I may fare better than many of my gender. However things choose to develop, this girl will be continuing to exercise and eat as healthy as possible, seeking balance in nature and from natural sources.

I'm hoping that last night was an anomaly and quite possibly, it was. Rather than denying the possibilities, I will seek to embrace the most positive of them all. Forty-four isn't old and I've got a lot of energy and stamina left to burn. The reality of female biology aside, the big M can stay where she is, this mama isn't slowing down just yet.

Nearing The End Of This Issue

Yesterday was the first day since the surgery that I was able to sit without gingerly adjusting my hind quarters to alleviate discomfort or pressure. Yay for the little things! It's been ages since the simple act of sitting has brought a smile to my face. Seventeen years, three months and eighteen days to be exact. Post childbirth has been the only other time that sitting comfortably took skilled maneuvering. In a few weeks, I'll forget all about the pain and frustration this whole hemorrhoidectomy has caused and I cannot wait for that to happen!

Despite the crappy nature of this procedure, I've managed to find the humor in it and that has helped the time pass a bit more quickly. When you have to shower off every time you shit, or bend over in a position that can only truly be achieved by a contortionist to inspect the damage, well, being able to find the funny is essential. The bonus is I've entertained a few people with my detailed accounts and that's almost worth the pain.

There was a day when I would have been horrified to tell anyone what I'd had done. Anything related to bodily function/dysfunction and parts deemed private was not up for discussion. After having children, there really isn't much that I would find embarrassing enough to keep it to myself. I mean, when you are laying on your back with your legs in the air, your wares bared to the room and you manage to shit at the same time you're pushing against a contraction, well, it doesn't leave much to be concerned about afterward. Modesty, as they say, is out the window.

As much as I share, there are things that I do keep to myself. This kind of thing just isn't one of them. Why suffer in silence when you can laugh about it openly? I had ass surgery, I've gotten more familiar with what my rectum looks like than I ever could have wanted to, and I have an appreciation for the exhausting effects of OCD, as I've been hyper-vigilant about genital cleanliness.

The more I heal the less I find to make light of, so these far too informative and revealing posts will soon turn to some other experience. Somehow I imagine they won't be quite as amusing, but who knows what life will put in my path tomorrow. It's time to go shit and shower...I know I'm going to chuckle every time I hear that phrase from now on.

See The Opportunities Life Presents You

I can honestly say that I am in love with life. I'm not crazy about what the cooler mornings and nights mean, but everything else is peachy keen. Fall is one of my favorite times of year (Hello? Football!) — if only it lasted straight through to Spring. I love the crispness in the air, the changing colors in the trees, and the smell of it all. And sweaters. I absolutely love sweaters.

Some years I accrue more memories of summertime fun than I do others. Sadly, this year was pretty short on excursions and outings. Life got busier than anticipated and most of the things I had planned on doing turned into missed opportunities. Of course, they weren't really missed in the sense that I passed up on them or didn't act on them, they were missed because I had obligations that couldn't be set aside without consequence. So, the summer is fast coming to an end and I am trying to reconcile the fact that I will have to wait until next year.

This gives me something to look forward to, while it also makes me take a hard look at the way I work and get things done. Barring a few unavoidable circumstances, I think that having not done the things I enjoy nearly as often as I typically do, means I need to reevaluate my routine. In all honesty, it's been far too long since I've assessed what works and what doesn't. Having just moved and upheaved my life, there are many aspects of the schedule I had before that have yet to settle back into place. I can think of no better opportunity to make the changes than this.

It Isn't Always Sunshine And Rainbows

A friend posted this on Facebook yesterday. Of all the things that I could possibly say to someone struggling with life's obstacles right now, this is it. There is always an upside, a silver lining — a better tomorrow.

There have been people who have asked me how I manage to do the whole single parenting gig or enjoy life despite being alone off and on since I got divorced. Initially, when I was asked these questions I had no idea how to respond. It wasn't that I didn't understand the question, it's that I didn't see myself as doing anything out of the ordinary. To me, there was no other way to approach life.

The day I decided to seek divorce was the day my life turned for the better. I had finally put my own well-being front and center, knowing the results would ultimately benefit my sons. The best part of this was I had no clear vision for what the freedom from unhappiness and verbal/mental abuse would mean for me, for my life. I didn't have to know how things would turn out in five or ten years, I just had to believe it would be better than it had been up until that point.

I've said before that positive thinking did not come naturally to me. Maybe as a young child, but as I grew and suffered manipulative and physical abuse at the hands of a man that was supposed to be my father, I became cynical and negative. I expected the worst of people and life, and sadly, that is what I got more often than not. Obviously, there were exceptions like my supportive and loving family and my two amazing sons, but overall I wasn't experiencing much happiness or accomplishment.

I can pinpoint a number of defining moments, big and small when I look back over the past nearly nine years since choosing happiness over strife, though at the time I doubt I would have recognized much of it for what it was. Through the earliest part of my life transition, I was stumbling through, trying new things and it took longer than I wish it had to finally understand that all of the changes and good things that started happening were because I believed they were possible and that I deserved them.

At no point have I ever expected to avoid down times and difficult periods. Shit happens and in the end the only thing that matters — the one thing that ensures we will see the sun again, is how we choose to deal with it. We can avoid it and pretend it doesn't exist, but that just compounds issues that will eventually explode all over the place, making the experience of pain and disappointment far worse than it might have been otherwise. We could surrender to the grief of it all and hide from the light, losing our purpose and any ground toward happiness that we might have gained. I choose to acknowledge that shit times feel crappy, go through the emotions of anger, sadness and whatever else might come with the situation, but I do so, never loosening my grip on positive thinking and the belief that 'this too shall pass'.

A few days ago I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a long-time friend about this topic. I was honored that she would confide in me her current struggles, as I understand that willingly being vulnerable is a difficult thing — even with people you know and trust. While I don't pretend to know what it is like being in her situation as the person she is, the advice I offered — the words I wanted to leave her with, essentially came down to the picture above. Each and every day we have the opportunity to choose happiness. How we see the world, the things we experience and choose to find meaning in, all of it is the how, the where and the when of being happy.

Happiness is not a destination, it is an ongoing life experience that you have to choose to let into your life. The moment you realize that you can choose, that you are the author of your own story, you are able to navigate all the things that are out of your control so much better. It's all about choice; don't give away the one powerful tool you have throughout your existence by never using it.

More Things You Didn't Want To Know

I've been on the verge of being a miserable shit through this healing process. It's far slower than I'd like, though I'm certain I've progressed quite quickly by medical standards. Regardless, the little annoyances of this whole process are keeping me on my toes with regard to my demeanor.

Were it just the uncomfortability of it, I might just be able to shake it off. A minor side effect — completely of my own doing, has added another aspect to the healing time. In an effort to maximize comfort, I found that sitting in one or two positions to be the most tolerable. The problem is that when I am working, I don't switch positions or get up often. So, in addition to having been sliced into in one of the most sensitive areas of my body, I am now contending with a pressure ulcer. Fucking fantastic.

I'm relatively grateful that I am so in tune with my body because I may have failed to notice that this new issue wasn't part of the surgical area. This kind of wound is a bitch to care for and takes far longer to heal than most cuts. I had one after my foot surgery from the bandages. It took quite awhile to heal fully because of the location. It was next to impossible to keep anything from putting pressure on that area, especially since it was the highest point on the top of my foot and the ridiculous (but necessary boot) I had to wear pressed right against it. Once I was able to wear shoes again, I could minimize the contact and it healed faster.

At the moment, I'm taking care to sit in positions that put little to no pressure on this new ulcer. Of course keeping an eye on it is crucial, as these things can affect more tissue, causing more damage if left unchecked. While bed sores (as they are more commonly known) are often associated with the elderly and bedridden, the reality is that anyone can get them. I'm an active, thin individual whose diet changed drastically post surgery. Protein is essential in the healing process, as is hydration and proper resting position changeups.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to deal with this frustrating issue, but it's not a perfect world. Instead, I get to exercise my flexibility by bending over and examining my ass in a mirror on a regular basis. I had no desire to become so aware of the way that area looks, but necessity demands we do things we might otherwise avoid. Most of these moments are a source of comedic opportunity, of which I have taken full advantage of. The breakdown of skin is no laughing matter (particularly when it is your own), however, so I am not currently making use of the humor that might be derived here. Instead, I am focused on making certain this doesn't get worse, while also trying to maintain my usual upbeat persona.

So ends this installment of More Than You Ever Wanted To Know.

Drink In The Air, Sometimes It's All You Can Do

Sometimes I think I spend too much time reading a situation. More often than not I'm right in my deductions, but whether that is because I'm intuitive or I'm bringing about the outcome I think I see, I don't know. Do we have the kind of power to bring our thoughts to life? Maybe not overnight, but I do believe we get out of life the energy we put out into the world.

So how does a person avoid sending out all the wrong vibes? It's nowhere near as easy as I'd like it to be. I find I'm often running damage control with my thoughts, as they can be laced with negativity. Left unchecked, these ruminations can bring about the ruin of happiness and balance.

What are you supposed to do with those nagging thoughts that something is amiss? If you cannot entertain them long enough to dispel them, how do you turn your energy toward a more positive light? I have no idea if my approach is the right one, but it has worked for me nearly every time. I don't cling to any one desired outcome, I push back against the self-pity and woe, my focus shifts consciously to the things I am grateful for in my life, and while these things don't always lead to the path I would expect, the path I find is always better than the one I might have lost myself on had I not believed there was another way.

This is far different from ignoring things. It is possible to acknowledge the less than desirable feelings and thoughts I have without allowing them to take root and gain strength. I've worked too hard — I continue to work hard each and every day, to maintain the ground I've gained and that that I mean to stay open to. And I will continue to battle back against the things that undermine that progress. It's a full-time job walking a positive path, and it can be overwhelming to stay on top of it all.

There are times when the first thing I can do — the only thing I can do to keep from letting the stress, fear, and negative energy take over, is breathe. Sometimes that is the only thing I can do for a good long while. As long as I'm breathing, I'm not focusing on what could go wrong or what has not worked out the way I had hoped. So, when all else fails, slow, deep breaths in and out keep my head above water until my arms and legs can work to get me to shore.

It's Simple, Really

Life is what you choose to make it. There might be shit in between Shinola, but ultimately, it is what we choose to make of it. Each and every day we wake we have the option of letting the crap weigh us down or seeing the amazing beauty in the passing hours.

Through pain, smiles, strife and joy, I choose to see the beauty. Do you?

Let's Talk About Poop

This might be too much information, not to mention a bit graphic. Everyone shits, however, so there really won't be much below that some people can't relate to. I never had an issue talking about shit before, so I really have no issue talking about it now.

Post-hemorrhoidectomy bowel movements are the worst kind of pain. Prior to surgery, like most people, I'd had a varied history of defecation that went from quick and easy to sweat-inducingly difficult. Hemorrhoids just complicated it. Two days after surgery, when I finally had to go, I traipsed down the stairs at 3 a.m. and braced for hell.

Immediately, waves of nausea hit as the searing pain shot through my ass to my stomach. I had never looked forward to a sitz bath so much in my life. After a half-hour, I managed to go back to sleep, completely unaware that I hadn't felt the worst of it yet.

There's a basic protocol that most surgeons give their patients who've elected to have hemorrhoid surgery. Fiber, fluids and pain meds. Ideally, high fiber diets and upped fluids should start a week before surgery. Thanks to the elimination diet I was on, high fiber wasn't happening. Needless to say this affected motility, and even with a couple doses of Dulcolax, it took awhile for that first substantial shit to actually happen. I am overjoyed, however that I never reached constipation, as that has to be a whole other hell of its own post-op. I had also arrived at the decision that I needed to ween myself from SCD (the diet I was following) as I had dropped more weight than I could afford to lose. I had no choice but to increase fiber and decrease animal protein, if I wanted to avoid becoming bound up. My only regret is that I couldn't make the changes gradually and my gut paid the price.

I opted for the most invasive and permanent surgery. No laser, banding, chemical injections or infrared light procedures, straight up scalpal and stitches. I'm grateful the anesthesiologist chose to do general anesthesia and that the surgeon opted to 'close' the incisions. The fact that there is even an option to leave the cuts open baffles me. We are talking about an area that is guaranteed to come into contact with bacteria — namely e. coli. Why risk infection?

Anyway, the closest thing I can relate the pain of this procedure to is childbirth. Specifically my first, as I tore and had to be cut nearly all the way through. That healing process, no matter how careful I was to clean the area post-bathroom visit was complicated by an e. coli infection, so you can imagine I have been extra diligent about things this time around. When I finally did have a full-on BM, I flashed back to delivering my sons. No fucking joke. I sat there in my tiny bathroom, sweating and biting my lip in pain, thankful the boys were not home to hear me whimpering. Understandably, my conscious reaction was to resist going at all, but there comes a time when your body takes over. Similar to contractions in labor, my abdomen wasn't giving into my fear of pain. In short order, my body cleared my colon, and I was left dreading the next trip to the bathroom.

Each and every time since then has been slightly less painful, aided by the quick shower off afterward. I refuse to allow anything to prolong this dreadful experience, so yes, I shower every fucking time I shit. Thankfully, I work from home. I also opted to wear sanitary napkins over the gauze they recommend. I haven't had to deal with a period in six years, so this has been an adjustment. It is a bit odd how similar an experience it is, though. The blood, the cramps, the inconvenience of it all. I couldn't muster the energy to go to the store myself — the simple act of sitting in the car is exhausting when you cannot get comfortable, so I sent my youngest to pick up a few things, one of which was sanitary napkins. Thankfully, he doesn't embarrass easily and I'm sure that he much preferred any potential thoughts at the checkout by the cashier or other shoppers were that he was getting them for their intended purpose and not for anal recovery. Unbeknownst to him (and I absolutely blame the stores who stock their shelves this way) he grabbed pads for incontinence, not menses. There is humor in this experience and I have no issue finding it. I'm grateful I didn't have to make the trip to the store myself, that he didn't choose Depends or Poise pads, and that absorbency is absorbency.

After that ridiculously awful passing of waste, I went online and ordered a Squatty Potty. I have zero issue admitting that. My only complaint thus far is that I ordered a 7 inch and was sent a 9 inch stool (yes, the 12-yr old in me sees the funny in that statement, too). I have an average height throne, so the two extra inches really aren't necessary. Regardless of that, the process of pooping has been greatly streamlined and made far less painful. Honestly, I have no idea why on earth it took so long for someone to market this. As odd as it may be the first few times, the result of a more comfortable and effective evacuation is worth the weird feeling of squatting over the bowl. I get the whole squatting over a hole thing in some countries, like China. Why on earth are we using toilets and whose stupid idea was it to sit upright when we shit? Untold years of anal issues have been caused by sitting to poo; I'm living proof. I only wish I had known the proper way to shit years ago. I might have saved myself the pain of surgery had I been able to avoid poor pooping posture.

All joking aside, the pain of this procedure, overall, has been far less than I anticipated. I haven't used the prescribed meds much (only to sleep the first few days), as a regiment of Advil and Tylenol has been effective. My activity has been greatly reduced, though sitting has become increasingly easier. I have yet to regret my choice, as I know the pain and discomfort are temporary, and the benefits of never having to deal with painful hemorrhoidal flare-ups again are worth every sharp and stabbing pain I am currently enduring. The challenge of gaining strength to push through pain is something I welcome, as sadistic as that sounds, I know that I can withstand more than I thought I could a week ago. That is progress and progress is a big part of what life is about. Who knew I'd find another layer of myself by going through ass pain? Got to love life.

Bright Moon

The moon and sky were so amazing tonight. There was a soft, hazy layer of clouds over the bright light of the moon, and patches of clouds that looked almost iridescent. Stars shone through, twinkling in the open stretches of sky. I wouldn't have seen much of it had I not moved here. 

We are far away enough from the city that the glow of civilization doesn't interfere with the view of nature. To be able to stand outside in the summer night air and just take in all of the incredible beauty above us is something I never realized I would enjoy so much. I don't take the time nearly enough to sit in awe of this world we live in. 

I won't waste the chance to enjoy and revel in theses incredible nights and amazing mornings. I have been graced with a peaceful place to call home by the Universe and I can't imagine ignoring any of it. There are many things that I could list that I would change about this place, but I'd prefer to focus on the things I am grateful for. 

I could have sat outside and just watched  the night sky for hours, were in not for the mosquitos and my current comfort in sitting issues. Rather than miss out on it entirely, I braved the blood thirsty, winged pests to pause and be awed by Mother Nature and the Universe. Pictures don't nearly do it justice, but what a sight it was.

No Casco Bay, No Chevelle, and No Bloody Sunday

Plans don't always pan out the way we intend. Take this weekend for instance. I had expected to be seeing a friend's band on a booze cruise, taking in one of my favorite bands until the night sky on the waterfront Saturday night, and finishing off the weekend having lunch and drinks with PamElla. Not one of those things happened thanks to a sore ass.

It's better in the long run that I missed out on a few fun moments than to have pushed myself too hard. The last thing I want is for this healing process to take any longer than it has to. A setback would mean more time out of life, so to speak, and that isn't negotiable for me. There's a maximum amount of time that I can tolerate being on the sideline and it doesn't include overdoing it and making things worse.

Occasionally, this means I must miss out on things I would much rather be doing. Of course, if I heed my own sense of balance I won't have to miss out on more things than planned. I've lived a full enough life so far, and if by some chance I miss out on something that's once in a lifetime, I will survive and take comfort in all the things I have seen and experienced. There's quite likely to be other unique must-dos that will come my way, all I need to do is be focused enough on living to recognize them when they come into view. Until then, I'll continue this slower pace to ensure I'm in the best physical and mental state possible when those opportunities do present themselves.

 

Getting Distracted Is Par For The Course

I have a relatively busy life. The problem with that is that I get so drawn into the busy that I lose sight of certain goals. I put off the one thing I want to do in favor of all the things I think I have to do. Sure, there are a number of things scattered throughout the days that I choose to do instead of that one thing I silently berate myself for casting aside yet again, but overall I have just created an existence in which I've obligated myself to too much.

The worst part about this is that I have a fair amount of downtime, I just fail to use it appropriately. The mentality that there's always tomorrow still plagues me. One would think the way I approach work and fitness that I'd be just as dedicated when it comes to writing. Clearly, as I've managed to get three days behind on this blog, that isn't the case. I've rededicated myself to getting my book written, yet it still sits open in its program, untouched.

Maybe I'm too hard on myself or maybe I'm not hard enough. All I know is that I've run out of excuses for waiting any longer. Barring certain tasks, most things will be fine to leave until I spend a fair amount of time writing. Of course, that will all have to happen in the moments I'm comfortable enough to sit on my bum.

Time to ice my ass so I can actually focus on writing comfortably at some point today.

It Isn't Always About Me And I'm Good With That

Letting other people help isn't something I come by naturally. I don't like the idea of inconveniencing anyone, just as much as I am not thrilled with someone having the impression I can't handle things on my own. There are times when someone lending a hand has more to do with how they see themselves than with how they see you, however. Sometimes, you just need to allow others to be useful and fulfill whatever need they have inside of them, no matter how independent you happen to be.

My stepfather is loading up his lawnmower and coming to mow my lawn. I'd been meaning to call a lawn care company to have it cut so that I could maintain it with a battery-powered push mower, but the past two weeks have been ridiculously busy. When he first suggested it, I was resistant. I didn't want him going through the hassle of bringing his equipment here and I initially felt like maybe he and my mom thought I couldn't manage it by myself.

Nearly as fast as I had the thought it was gone. After all these years, my stepfather knows I do things myself - he wasn't remotely concerned about it not getting done. He wanted to do something useful. Ultimately, at the end of the day, this is what it is about. For months his life has revolved around visiting his mother in a nursing home multiple times a day. He and my mother were so busy with Gram Nat's end of life care that when it all stopped time was just dangling out there waiting to be filled.

As much as letting him come and mow my lawn is to give him something to do, it is also the way that my stepfather shows his love. He is capable, he is a doer, and when he cares, loves and respects someone he does whatever he can to show it. I'd be foolish to push back against something like that, just as I'd be crazy to refuse a hug from my best friend.

There is a bigger picture to most every situation we find ourselves in. Just how observant and open we are to it will determine the value we carry away in the end. Maybe I'm completely off-base about why my stepfather offered to mow my overgrown lawn, maybe I'm half-right. The important thing is that I stopped my usual insistence of independence long enough to consider that it might not be about me and that I am capable of recognizing things beyond the self.

Football Season is Here!

Today I'm happy that I clearly have a high tolerance for pain. My proctologist (yes, I have one of those) told me I can carry that torch if I can recover from a total hemorroidectomy without relying on narcotics. What, you didn't think I could possibly refrain from popping happy pills? Oh, yeah, the hemorrhoid thing. Yes, I had a couple of thrombosed hemorrhoids (as awful as that sounds, it's kind of fun to write) and decided to have them all removed so I never have to deal with them again.

Sitting has become an exercise in agility and grace. Peeing is a lengthy affair. And sitz baths give me time to play Lumosity games and start blog posts. Hey, I'm sitting for 15 to 20 minutes at a time doing that, what better use of that time? Trust me, I clean my phone regularly. All in all, day one post-op went well.

Working from home has definitely had it's benefits. I've been able to have a couple of surgeries that I put off for awhile because I don't have to miss more than a day of work. And, I can work in my pajamas when I don't feel up to getting dressed. I can sit on an ice pack, take a cat nap, and use my lunch break to dip my poor behind in the warm water sitz baths I'm supposed to do three times a day. Oh, and when I'm home, I can whine about how sore my ass is without getting strange looks. Hey, my sons don't count.

Really, though, I was anticipating far worse, so I'll take what I'm experiencing now. Besides, the Patriots are playing pre-season football, nothing is going to distract me from that. I'm a little sore, but I've got a fresh ice pack, just popped a couple Tylenol and I'm strategically lying on my side watching the half-time bullshit waiting for more game.

But You Just Got Here

Being able to spend time with people I care about but don't often see is always something I will drop almost everything to do. As it happens, I don't typically have so many plans that I can't make time, but even if I did, I'd find a way. Opportunities to see people I love who live away are scarce. It would be sad to miss such a window.

Despite the somber atmosphere that my cousins' latest visit encountered, we managed to spend a few hours together catching up. A quick visit this time around, they are already headed back to Texas today. I'm happy I was able to spend last night having dinner and introducing them to a few of the many Maine brewed beers.

It's amazing how, even after not seeing someone for quite some time, you can fall right back into step when you finally are in the same room again. I find that I wonder how these cousins and I would relate had we grown up together, instead of having come together when their uncle and my mother married. I imagine we'd be closer, but I think over the past 21 years we've developed a strong bond.

Someday I will make the trek in their direction and bring the connection we have full-circle. Seeing them in their environment, doing their everyday normal things with the people they see all the time has a way of adding more to the perception you have of another person. After over two decades, it really is time. Until that day, however, I will stay in touch, hold memories close and appreciate the gift each of them is in my life.

Worth The Outcome

Making a choice that winds up hurting you can be discouraging, particularly if there was no indication that there might be a downside. Most decisions I've made in life, however, came with a guarantee of undesirable affect. Some of the best things in my life are the result of choosing to endure whatever pain came with the decision. In every single one of those instances, I regret nothing. The pain is always temporary and the benefits are always longer lasting. 

Whether it was the decision to have children, the choice to get divorced, change jobs, move, or end a friendship, the price to find peace and happiness over those rainbows of choice has always been worth paying. Occasionally, I hemmed and hawed, putting off making a decision about something because I couldn't see that the shitty part I would endure was temporary. Either that or I wasn't able to appreciate the value that pain would ultimately provide. 

Six days a week I choose a little pain in the form of muscle soreness. If anything, working out — really pushing myself each and every time, has made making these kinds of choices in life easier in the sense that I don't labor over the emotional and physical costs that are short lived. Just that alone is an accomplishment and one of the many ways making fitness a lifestyle has improved my life. It has also made the times I have to step back and let my body recover from things like surgery and illness a little more tolerable. I don't like setbacks — they are a different kind of pain, but again, they are temporary.

The next couple of weeks will bring physical pain and discomfort as I have opted to have minor surgery to correct an annoying issue. I could have taken more time to decide if this choice was really the way to go, but really, the only reason to do that at this point would have been because I was apprehensive about the initial pain. In the end, there really was no internal debate because the outcome benefits me in so many ways. I've lived through pain that I created, chose and was subjected to without choice, so this will be a cake walk in comparison. 

There is no balance without a little of the undesirable in life. Pain doesn't deter me any longer. Happiness is worth the work it takes to achieve it. 

Too Distracted For My Own Good

I think having to recommit to a good habit or particular change is often harder than having made the change in the first place. Falling out of step with a routine that was beneficial is also quite maddening. For me, I know that I'm only cheating myself when I don't stay on track. The moment I step off the road I'm on, I risk losing all the ground I've gained, and I'll have to start from square one again.

It's likely the reason I put off doing what I know I need to do to turn back in the direction I was headed. I'm never excited to own my failures and I take far too long rationalizing and planning instead of getting right back into it. In other words, I procrastinate. The absolute wrong approach to sticking with change.

There are a couple of things in life that have long been subjected to the waning and resurgence of my focus and dedication. Writing, specifically one book, has born the brunt of my distracted mind and inconsistent attitude. Looking back now, it appears my work comes and goes in waves. Whether it be weeks, months or only days, when I'm creative, I'm on a roll. When I put it off, it's easy to disconnect almost completely.

This is a dance I've done with myself far too often and I know it oh so well. The day or two off has turned into months and all the while I've maintained the intention to get back to it only to see more days pass by, squandered in their potential. I busy myself here, but I know even this is just an excuse to stall setting up that old routine again. Without a doubt, there has been quite a lot going on that is a legitimate reason for not having made progress, but in life, there will always be something poised to stand in the way of achieving goals. How we work our way around those things is what sets us apart from those who never try. I'm still pushing my way through to figure that all out.

There will likely always be something that tempts me to put aside the things I need to do, or something that makes achieving progress toward some end more difficult than it ought to be. I suppose I just need to remember to address whatever the issues are without abandoning the work I've already invested my time, energy and soul into. Breaks are supposed to be refreshing and recharging, not extended vacations from it all. This current vacation has to end and a new routine has to replace the bad habits.

New Home, New Surroundings

I love how quiet it is here. Birds, crickets, and the occasional dog barking — I didn't expect to enjoy the change of location this much. It isn't that I thought I'd hate it, I've just been accustomed to living close enough to the hubbub to hear the traffic and all that goes with more urban areas. We aren't much further away, but the area is truly removed from most of the goings-on I have gotten used to.

Aging is definitely a factor in my ability to appreciate things outside of my typical preference. By no means am I saying I'd high-tail it to the wilderness and embrace nature. Not that I don't appreciate nature, I'm just someone who finds balance and comfort in active surroundings. It is quite likely that being aware that I am just a short drive from our small, Maine city has allowed me to embrace the more tranquil surroundings I now live in.

I miss my neighbors, however. We were a close-knit group that truly added quality to each other's days. My kitchen window once provided me a view that included faces I looked forward to seeing, now it looks out over the back lawn, nature trail, and marshes. While all incredibly amazing, I miss seeing familiar faces. I am okay with the fact that there will never be neighbors like those I had over the past three years. This is not to say I will never have neighbors I appreciate again, but my stoop group cohorts will always have a special place in my heart.

My goal for the next few weeks is to venture out around my new home. The more familiar I become with what is around me, the more quickly I free up energy and focus for other things. Adapting to the newness is demanding of both, and it has left me tired. There is only so much adjusting a person can do if they are doing it from a closed-off position. Hunkering down in the house has been great for unpacking and settling in, but the real adjustments won't happen until I step outside the front door.

It's time to take a good look around and see what living in Cape Elizabeth will bring.

It's Always A Choice

There are more times than I'd care to admit when someone asks me how I'm doing or how life is that I end up venting about something, rather than give highlights. Before I realize how much I've said, the onslaught of details slips my lips. Sure, this isn't an everyday occurrence; it doesn't happen all that often, but it does happen. That behavior doesn't align with living a more positive life.

A number of things have taken place in the past week that I might prefer hadn't. Of course, the more I think about them, the more likely similar issues and situations will present themselves. The law of attraction is simple enough to understand, it's the implementation of the right mindset that is difficult.

The good thing that happens despite the negative energy showing up in volume is that I recognize it and immediately have a stern conversation with myself about letting things go or choosing to see the situation in a better light. Sometimes I get stalled, but I always come around. The best part is that it isn't nearly as difficult to move forward in the right frame of mind as it once was. I am already fully aware of how much better I feel when I don't hold onto grief or anger. I also know that you can't skip past feeling either of those things and truly move on.

I enjoy life and the gifts the Universe has bestowed upon me. This is something I intend to continue because the alternative isn't appealing at all. No matter how tough it may be at times to produce positive thoughts that lead to positive actions, the beauty of the process is you can start with small things. Good vibes and better times have a way of multiplying — like attracts like. Knowing that I am 100% accountable for the way I view, approach, and in general, live life certainly injects a bit of power. I am not helpless to change things, even though there are things I cannot change because I can choose to embrace all the ripples those things may produce.

It's a new day, which means there are countless possibilities awaiting me. No matter how it all plays out, I will be a better person by the time my head hits the pillow tonight. Even if that is the best thing that happens, it's a hell of a win.

Saying Goodbye To Gram

There are so many things I could say about my grandmother of 21 years. The problem over the past few days since she left this world is that there are just too many thoughts and memories swirling around in my head for me to adequate organize and write about her. There is never a perfect way to eulogize those we love. We can never include everything we think or feel about them. Our best effort will always fall short of what they deserve.

My family is eclectic. Over the years, I have been blessed with siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, as well as a stepfather that I have no biological connection with. To be welcomed and accepted by families you were not born into is one of the most amazing gifts imaginable. Creating a family by choice — this is an epic example of love.

Nat was so down to earth and genuine — these were the first things I noticed about her when I met her, and they are the first things that come to mind when I reflect on the last two decades of knowing her. She had a big heart and a memorable laugh. I can still hear it. She and grandpa Shine were honest, hardworking and exceptionally caring people. A bit more reserved and low-key than most of my family, they never seemed overwhelmed by the volume we can raise. Over a short period of time, Nat went from having three grandchildren to having six with a great-grandchild on the way.

While my relationship with Gram Nat developed on its own, watching how she embraced and loved my sons from the start of their lives added a depth that would never have been possible otherwise. My sons were born into this family of biology and choice, and never question their roles regardless of the connection. The only great-grandparents they have ever known are those who they share no biology with. And to hear these wonderful people talk about my kids to others and in general conversation — well, no-one would be the wiser if they weren't aware of how we came to be family.

Whether it was a special occasion or just a random get-together, the smell of freshly baked pies was always a guarantee with Nat — oh, how I miss those amazing fruit pies. She was quite comfortable moving around a kitchen, in fact, not that long ago when she and I were having a conversation watching my mother bustle around her own kitchen and Gram remarked that she missed being able to bake and cook. When she stayed with her son (my stepfather) and my mother, she often preferred to sit at the kitchen island while my mom cooked.

The family gatherings will be different without her. There is a definite sadness at the thought of never seeing this wonderful woman again. Her quiet presence will be missed. No more hearty hugs, kisses on the cheek, or entertaining and enjoyable conversations. My heart breaks for my stepfather and aunt, as their already small biological family has shrunk yet again. If the loss I feel after having 21 years of love, influence and laughter are this intense, I cannot fathom the extent of their grief. A lifetime of memories that spanned over 68 years for Bonnie and nearly 64 for Michael — to have been blessed with the presence of their mother for so long, is incredible, though it makes it all the more difficult to say goodbye.

By all accounts, Nat's 88 years were full, lively and produced many memories for those whose lives she touched. As saddened by the loss of this truly wonderful woman as I am, I will forever count myself as fortunate to have known and been loved by her. The Universe was most definitely smiling on my sisters and I the day Nat came into our lives. Rest easy Gram, your presence is forever etched in our hearts.

Annoyed But Hoping For The Best

I know that my fears of spiders and mice are irrational. Knowing doesn't mean I can stop being equally creeped out and terrified. I will scream and run in the opposite direction without fail. 

A neighbor's 'pet' mouse once got loose inside the walls of the building I lived in and when I saw the little fucker scurry across my bathroom floor, I quite literally jumped onto my kitchen table. Any given night, when I spy a spider — no matter how small, I can be heard yelling for one of my sons to come KILL it. Now, I am fully aware that spiders keep insect populations under control and they are beneficial to the ecosystem, but they freak me out in the worst way. I break out in a sweat and my anxiety level goes through the roof. Having worked for a pest control company, I now know far more about each of these pests than I care to admit, which has done nothing to quell my fears.

It has been said that my reaction to these things is entertaining, as I am most often easy going and not typically ruffled. I have a friend who had hairless rats, and though I did eventually warm up to them, it has not changed my view of mice. Hairless rats are domesticated and don't have fleas. I am one of the fortunate ones whose skin reacts poorly to flea bites. It's like blackfly bites times 10. A truly miserable experience. Hairless rats don't carry the host of diseases that mice do (think Hantavirus), and just don't have the same creep factor as their feral cousins. 

Five days into our new place and I have flea bites. My landlord maintains that the two previous tenant did not have pets and is insistent that the house was thoroughly cleaned prior to us moving in. Well, my skin doesn't lie, and while there may have been no pets living in this house, there is obviously some kind of rodent as I found a good size hole under the upstairs baseboard heater that leads into the eaves. The carpet and wall have the appearance of having been gnawed, and though there may not be mice living in the walls currently (it's too warm), there clearly have been resident rodents at some point. The thing about mice is that they can squeeze through an opening the size of a pencil eraser, though they will chew at that opening to make it bigger. Fleas, well those assholes can live dormant for up to 18 months. Stir them awake with the promise of a free blood meal and they will feed off a human if no animal is around to infest. 

I am hoping my new landlord will have a better response to this morning's text revealing my discovery last night, as his insistence that the house was clean and no one owned pets when I contacted him yesterday was most unsatisfactory given the amount of money I just paid him to move in here. I want the issue fixed and I want the fleas addressed, and I do not think that is unreasonable. I have no doubt that he is annoyed by me at the moment, but the reality is that he owns this property, not me. He has a legal obligation to correct/fix issues that affect the quality of habitation when there are hazards and irritants involved. Mice urinated and defecate as they crawl; they do not have a designated area in which they do these things, and they chew through anything — including electrical wires. I am crossing my fingers and thinking positive thoughts that this issue will be resolved to my satisfaction quickly. I'd really like to sleep in my new bed and not continue to be bitten by fleas.

Don't Wait For Tomorrow

It's been a long couple of trying days. Death has a way of draining the people left behind. Watching someone you love slowly fade into a shadow of who they were is worse, at least as far as I'm concerned. 

Mortality isn't a subject I ever enjoy discussing. I certainly don't spend much time considering how much time I have left here, but death has a way of forcing the issue and making you face the reality that one day it will be you. 

I got to spend some time with people I care about tonight, which reminded me that I need to make the most of however long I am in this world. Tell people you love them and don't worry about what they might say. Eat dessert first sometimes because why shouldn't you? Kiss a stranger. Do something on your list of going to dos, now.

Life is fleeting and so are the opportunities to live it to the fullest extent. Don't whittle away the years collecting nothing but regrets when you could be creating epic memories to share. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, it's a gift that should be appreciated with every cell of who you are. Get out there and do something with yours.

Feels

I often wondered what it would be like to just know where I stood with the person I was dating. What it would be like to feel supported, comforted and generally at ease in their presence. For far too long I found myself in relationships that were ultimately one-sided. I gave and gave, only to be denied in moments I truly needed someone there beside me. Over time, I developed a reaction of refusal to accept from anyone who might have tried to give me those things. So, in essence, I have been my own worst enemy in the relationship department.

Without a doubt, I am fiercely independent and would sooner struggle alone than admit (let alone accept) help. It is amazing to me now that I have realized this needs to change. Occasionally benefitting from the support of another person doesn't mean you have to give up your independence. Imagine that. Of course, it makes all the difference when the person you're involved with is genuine in their affection.

I'm happy that I can finally recognize and accept this kind of support and connection. Life is better with someone who is secure enough to be giving and open. It's a whole new experience when you are willing to accept it.

The Circle of Life — Can Suck It

I haven't felt much like sharing the past few days. Between the exhaustion of moving and the frustration of unpacking, it's been a challenge to maintain my balance. Add to that the painful reality that a loved one isn't long for this world and it's a wonder I'm writing this at all.

Watching family go through the process of accepting a loss is on the horizon is achingly difficult. Not being able to comfort them or do anything to alleviate the stress and emotional weight of the situation leaves you feeling something akin to regret. Of course, the cycle of life is the one true constant, but it doesn't make going through loss any easier to accept.

I've seen many people take their last breath and it does not get any easier. I worked in a nursing home in my early 20s, and as is the nature of such places, I witnessed the final moments of some truly precious souls. This did little to prepare me for seeing my own father's final exhalation. My grandmother and great-aunt (sisters who contributed to so many of the memories I often revisit) were just a couple of years apart, but no matter how much time you have to adjust to the loss of a person, it doesn't make losing another any less devastating.

I understand the attempt at comforting words like 'he/she is in a better place now' and 'it's all part of life', or even 'she/he lived a long life'. The problem is that no matter how much truth the words contain, you have to find a way to deal with someone you love and care about no longer being part of your life going forward. The longer they are in your life, the more tied to you they often are and that means more adjustment may be needed. All the gifts of presence and longevity in your world cannot possibly lessen the intense mourning that visits when someone you love departs this earth.

At the moment, the boxes still needing to be unpacked, the pictures and decor waiting to be hung on the walls, and organizing my abode can wait for another day. My sons — no matter how grown up they may be, witnessed the undeniable reality of mortality last night. Their balance and emotional health are the only things that matter right now. At 44, having been present during the end of life a few times, the only advantage I have over them is knowing every time is like the first time. When you love someone and you are faced with the day that they are no longer with you, it takes time to process all that means and how life will change. As heart-wrenching as it may be, there is no rushing through the pain. The more a person meant to you, the more time you will likely need to adjust and move forward.

Next Up, Cleaning!

If only there was enough time in every day to do all the things I want and need to do. Until someone figures out how to make the Time Turner a reality, it looks like I'll have to pick and choose what I do. On average I get more than halfway through whatever list, mental or written, I might have on any given day. That's enough to feel a small sense of accomplishment I suppose. 

The likelihood is that if I don't feel good about the things I do get done and beat myself up over all I didn't, I won't get nearly as much finished. While I want to maximize my time, knowing that I did things right the first time around means I have more to pat myself on the back for - and that is the best way to approach every day with a fresh attitude.

The boxes are beginning to dwindle, things are finding spots to call home and after only two days we are all settling in far better than anticipated. The small hiccups that seemed worse than they were yesterday have been cured today. Tomorrow is sure to be even better and I'm ready for the awesome to rain down on me like a big ol' rainstorm.

It Ain't Always Roses, Good Thing I Like Other Flowers, As Well

It's a new day and the possibility of good things is great. This is what I am repeating to myself this morning. No change is without adjustment and hiccup. How I choose to deal with those things determines how quickly I can move past them and onto other things. None of this mindset comes easy to me, as I am a recovering pessimist, but I refuse to revert to those old ways.

Last night I had a moment. Ok, it was more like a few hours. This move happened quickly and the normal considerations I give to such changes were abbreviated in the two-week process. Overall, I am happy with the decision to rent this house, but there are a few kinks to be worked out and those will take time. My patience meter is being tested, as is my optimism. It will all even out in time, this I know, though I will be diligently working to stay in the best mindset through the transition.

One would think that after having moved a number of times that I would have the adjustment period down to a science. True to my life, however, every experience is a new adventure. I rather prefer it this way overall, since the best lessons come when we are paying the fullest attention. If every big change were just par for the course, I'd likely be on autopilot, going through the motions without focus.

This space feels good. As I sit here on this couch that will be moved to another part of the living room later today, my sons still fast asleep in their own rooms (something they haven't had since I sold my house eight years ago), I already feel at home. There are boxes strewn about, I don't know the exact location of most of my possessions, but I have a good sense that once the unpacking is done, this space will foster more balance in each of our cores. I'm happy that, for the time being, my oldest has chosen to remain under the same roof as his brother and me, and I'm going to make the most of the next year with them both here.

I will miss my wonderful neighbors and while they can never be replaced, I get a good feeling from my new ones. There are many challenges and responsibilities ahead, and that just means more growth is possible. I've learned to love growth, as each time it occurs I find more about myself to love. I can think of no better way to experience the most happiness in life than that.