Great Day, Good Day, It's All Amazing In The End

The first half of the day has been exceptional. Nothing overly spectacular, but exceptional just the same. When you just live each moment without jumping too far ahead of yourself, it is far easier to appreciate the good that transpires around you.

I am not concerned with what I'm not doing at this moment, nor I am concerned with what I will be doing in the next. I spent genuinely great time with my youngest son, and I might not remember the specific play-by-plays a year or two from now, but the happy moments count will forever have this day in its tally. Though I wish I had discovered this type of freedom and happiness years ago, I won't waste but a second with regret.

My oldest son is well on his way to living his own life, on his own terms. Rather than lament that he has missed out on time I'd like to spend with him, I have reminded myself  a) what it is like to be 19, and b) that if he is happy spending his time his way, that's all that matters. I don't have to be the center of either of my sons' worlds in order to experience happiness. Just knowing that they are embracing their own ownership over happiness is all the involvement I need.

If a person is adept at accepting happiness in many forms, than they are far more likely to place value on the things in life that will continue to bring them opportunities to be happy. It is not enough that my sons have a roof over their heads, food on the table, and clothes on their backs. They need to be able to recognize the happy in all of those things without concerted effort for me to believe I have done right by them as a parent. If who they each are at the moment is any indication of my efforts, I'd say I haven't done half bad.

There is always room for improvement, just as their is always positive and negative to every situation. Being able to make changes and strive for better is good, but only if I'm able to find happiness along the way. Everything from the monumental to the simplest of experiences have given me all I need to do just that. I'm addicted to finding and owning the happy, and I wouldn't ever want any of that to change.

Sometimes It's Better If You Don't Say Goodbye

I saw my 90 yr-old client, Lucy for the last time today. She's alive and well, just moving to a full-care facility in Massachusetts to be closer to her three other children. Without question I will miss seeing her for our twice a month visits.

Dementia is a tough disease. While she would frequently becomes confused and frustrated with herself and surroundings, it was wholly understandable from the perspective of someone who still has command of their mind. Just imagine how irritating it is when you can't remember why you walked into a room. I can't fathom that on a much larger, more constant scale.

I didn't say 'goodbye', at least not to her. She has next to no recollection of the moment I walked in, let alone that she will soon be moving. Her daughter and son-in-law have explained it all to her, and remind her every now and again, but they understand that she won't benefit as most of us do from adequate preparation.

Lucy won't remember me, and likely any thought of me immediately vacated her consciousness the moment I closed the door behind me as I left today. I'm okay with that. We enjoyed a number of conversations, and a whole lot of laughter over the course of the nearly two years I've been her hair stylist. I got a glimpse into her world twice a month, and gifted with stories I won't soon forget, as she shared them with me more than once.

I will miss her daughter and son-in-law, though I may well run into them from time to time. My life is fuller for having known these people. I am a better person; a more patient and understanding soul. Thank you, Lucy.

Yeah, It's Cold Outside

If human hibernation was a thing, I'd totally be into it. Not so much to sleep; more to avoid the cold and snow. As difficult as it is at times to appreciate anything about winter, my choice to focus on the positive, has led me to finding some key things that are good about this time of year.

When the sun shines on freshly fallen snow, I cannot deny how beautiful it is. The sunsets that the cold weather produces are astonishingly beautiful. Crisp, vibrant colors, against the bright contrast of white...it's a sight that can leave me awestruck for a few moments.

Hot coffee, cocoa, whiskey, and almost any stew are the perfect pairings when the temperatures are far too low for my liking. Warm, fuzzy pajamas, fleece socks, blankets and my fantastic collection of Acorn slippers...these are the things that I look forward to when the leaves abandon the trees. Oh, and I can't forget my two favorite things; knee socks and scarves!

I might loathe the frigid air like almost nothing else, but if it weren't for a freezing climate, I'd never have discovered the things that I've come to enjoy. While the weather has yet to really dip as low as is characteristic of this time of year, I'm already getting re-acquainted with those amazing creature comforts. My fabulous knee socks, fuzzy robe, glass of wine, and fleece blanket are getting comfy on the couch...maybe a movie is in order tonight.

Every Ounce Of Me Is Thankful; For All I Have, And The Ability To Share It

In a way, it's easy for me to be happy; to find the silver lining in the world around me. I have people in my life who are never very far away, whether it is in physical proximity, or just via a phone call. It isn't as though I am unaware that not everyone has that life advantage. I just find that if I were to focus on what others don't have, I'd feel an overwhelming sense of guilt about the fact that I do. I'm a caring and empathetic person, but I have to work hard at maintaining a balance. I can't lose sight of the value of family and friends, no matter how torn I feel knowing others aren't as fortunate.

There are certainly many benefits to being aware of the world around you, but there are some pitfalls as well. Without a doubt, extending kindness makes the world a better place, and adds something to life that is impossible to experience by any other means. Compassion and a giving nature are traits that I am surrounded by; so much so that nearly everyone in my life perpetuates an ongoing cycle of sharing and caring, that I wish everyone had the opportunity to be part of.

After a life time of celebrating with loved ones, and watching my mom and step-dad open their home to extended family and friends who are without a place to be during the holidays, I'm thinking it is time for me to do more. I have never wanted for anything, most especially quality time and interaction with those I love. More than donating money and food, which I absolutely advocate any time of year, it's time to be present...really be present, and spend time with those who are away from family, or don't have the close-knit support system I am so thankful to have.

I have been contemplating what 2015 holds, and what it is that I can do to make life better in the world around me. Striking the right balance between being present in my life, owning my happiness, and being mindfully aware and active in that of the people around me. I know how to embrace happiness, and it is time to periodically step outside of my thoughts and concerns, to be actively focused on that of someone else.

As I get ready to spend the day in the warmth and love of family, I hold those who are away from their own families, those who are going through trying times, and those who are unable to celebrate this holiday in my thoughts. Were it possible, I'd spend the hours with each and everyone of you, but know that my heart holds you all close, in the best of spirits. I won't ever lose sight of what I have, and I will celebrate that by finding a way to share a little of it with others, each and every day.

Do What You Know You're Good At

Entrees, sides, and desserts are made. Pretty grateful that I don't have to be involved with the turkey. That particular part of this holiday has always sketched me out. Like, I can cook all day long, but the thought of cooking a turkey just scares me.

Despite the fact that I'm not eating it this year, it has always been the center of most Thanksgiving dinners. The pressure to not overcook (or undercook) this bird, well, it's just too much for me. I'd rather leave that part up to someone else. I'm sure I could manage, but I'm good avoiding that particular responsibility for as long as I can.

I like cooking, just not turkey. I figure most everyone would be happiest if things continue that way. I know I am. I'll take on cakes, cookies, pies and vegetables any day; every day. There really is no reason to mess with what works.

Whatever you're doing, whatever dish you're making, put your all into it and celebrate!

Cooking In Mom's Kitchen

I might not always live within an hour's drive of my mother. One day we may again find ourselves states apart. Until that day, I plan on taking full advantage of being so close, and seeing her whenever possible.

Tomorrow my youngest son and I will head to my parent's to help them prepare for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday. Everyone typically brings a dish or two, but this year my mom isn't able to do much of what she normally does. So, given the fact that I have successfully avoided having to host any such gathering thus far, I figured I could do a bit more this year.

In all honesty, I'm happy to be able to help. My parents do so much for our family, and hosting our get togethers is no small feat. I don't often get to cook with my mother. During the short time the boys and I lived with them, it was usually either her or me cooking, but never the two of us. Tomorrow we get to do just that, and a little mother-daughter bonding as well.

Really, the holidays are suppose to be an opportunity to connect and strengthen the bonds of family. Again, I am fully aware how fortunate I am, and I'm taking full advantage of it. I don't love the commercialism we are surrounded by during this time of year, but knowing the real benefit of time together, I'd say my family has everything that no Black Friday shopping spree could ever provide.

I Can Totally Give Thanks, And Skip The Turkey

In the past three weeks, I have not consumed beef, pork, or poultry. Pescetarianism isn't as difficult as I'd thought it would be. While I don't have any plans to make this a permanent way of life, I have to admit that overall, I feel better. The full impact of what that means aside, I haven't had any strong meat cravings the way I expected I would.

I've long been an active carnivore; I love the stuff. The problem with that is that I tend to overindulge. Even with that propensity, I haven't had any real urge to cheat. Until seeing a cheesy stack of burgers in my newsfeed on Facebook tonight. Oh. My. Gawd. I miss cheeseburgers!

With the day of turkey worship upon us, I realize this will be my first Thanksgiving not enjoying white or dark meat. No wing, no leg, no gravy laden slice of holiday heaven. The thing is, I'm surprisingly okay with it.

I suppose that feeling good really does wins out over any cravings. This holiday I have the opportunity to celebrate with family, and a completely changed up menu. New experiences are the stuff life is made of. Bring on the quinoa, vegetables, and gluten free desserts!

Thanksgiving, It's An Every Day Kind Of Thing

It seems somewhat odd to write about what I'm thankful for, given that the basis for each and every post in this blog is dedicated to being grateful. I've been fortunate to lead a full, happy life. Even more so, because I've gotten better at making any moment one that's rooted in happiness.

Sure, nearly anything I say about the incredible friends and family I have, seems redundant. They're supportive, loving, encouraging, funny, and seem to always be exactly what my life needs the moment they show up. The thing is, what is any of that worth if we don't sound like a broken record when we talk about it? Isn't it better to celebrate the wonderful things we have over and over, than to lament repetitively? That kind of positive energy certainly has a more profound effect on the world around us.

When you think of what you're thankful for, share it. Don't worry about how many times you've said how 'awesome' your bestie or mom is. If something makes you burst out laughing, don't try and stifle it. Smile, not just with your face, smile with every ounce of happy you possess. And never stop being thankful for all the things that help you recognize, exercise, and own your happy!

I May Look Silly, But It's All Good If It Made You Laugh

Every so often, something will happen that sends me into a laughing jag that reduces me to unstoppable giggles, with tears streaming down my face. I am fully aware of the spectacle that I am when this happens, yet even that isn't enough to subdue the laughter. I don't exactly hate this type of occurrence, however.

Tonight, it was my son's reaction to dinner that set the giggles and tears in motion. At first it was just a little funny, but before I knew it, I couldn't stop. His reaction to my uncontrollable laughter only made it worse. I'm sure had anyone caught a glimpse of me through the kitchen window, they might have thought I was two shades beyond tipsy. In reality, I'd had one, single, solitary sip of wine.

The opportunity to laugh uncontrollably is something that should be taken advantage of whenever possible. Certainly in the middle of a meeting, funeral, wedding, or lecture it is best to avoid, but there are many other moments when there's no better time. I am more mindful of the benefit of laughing now then I was when I was younger. No longer preoccupied with appearances, if something sends me into a giggle fit I go with it; like all in.

While the moment has passed, just thinking about it makes me smirk. There really isn't a time when I could imagine not benefitting from that humorous release. A good laugh; it's all that stands between us and taking life far too serious. That's one life 'hurdle' I have no plans of removing.

Don't Rush Through

Time passes by at a constant pace, whether we realize it or not. Certainly there are days that seem to drag on forever, and years that seem to have come to their end when it feels as though they've just begun. We volley between counting the minutes, to digging our heels in and trying to slow the progression. There is both too much time that it is agonizing, and far too little that should we blink, we miss what can never be retrieved.

Whenever I face busy days, I have to remind myself to find moments to slow everything down, in order to take some of it all in. Without being able to focus and experience things, life would be one big blur, that's meaning got lost somewhere along the way. I don't want my memories to be scattered and few; I want to be able to relive the story of my life when I recall the years.

The last week was what I would classify as packed full of experiences. There is a fine balance to being able to move fluidly through the hours and days, and being present enough to remember a conversation, a smile, or an act of kindness that could change your life. As easy as it is to get caught up in the pace we keep, we should try to walk occasionally, instead of running. Let the moments that define who we are and what we think surround us and sink in. Without memorable moments and active enjoyment of our time, how could we possibly ever know happiness, or a happy life?

If It Doesn't Fit, Stop Trying To Wear It

Sometimes to figure out what you want, you need to recognize the things you don't want. I've been slowly weeding through my life, parting ways with the things and people that I don't feel are suited for the happiest journey. There are options to just alter the role, but most of the time it's a total '86ing.

It might seem callous, but happiness doesn't bloom well under the weight of things that produce negativity. That is not to say that the things and people we part ways with are negative; just that the combination of them and our lives is. If the fit isn't right, it's best we just continue shopping.

Though I can't say for sure what I want in all areas of my life, I am getting far better at identifying what I don't want. Even more, I'm owning it, and resisting the urge to avoid the inevitable. Not only does my own happiness depend on it, but the happiness of others does as well.

Two Steps Forward, One Hesitant Pause

Whenever I feel stress creeping in, trying to undermine my happiness, I have to stop and step back long enough to really see the situation for what it is. Perspective is everything. Embracing the power to just be happy, comes with the ability to keep yourself in check. For me, identifying stress means I missed a step and need to refocus.

Overall these days, I don't find that I'm experiencing the level of stress that I've known in the past. It just doesn't have time to build and take root anymore. Sure, this sometimes means I bite off more than I can chew, leaving me scrambling to get through it all, but it also means that I don't fall far from the progress I've made. I am still within a thought's span of regaining the happiness I've come to appreciate, and love.

I think that in making better choices, I've also taken a path that doesn't subject me to as many negative pitfalls as I once encountered. And when the big stuff that isn't necessarily energy driven by me pops up, I'm definitely more prepared to work through it. At least when it deals with me; when another person is involved, I still have a long way to go before I can fend off the 'what ifs', and make decisions without letting my emotions and empathy slow me down. Yeah, still a work in progress, but progress is being made.

On The Verge

It hit me all at once tonight; my baby boy is starting driver's ed in three weeks! He's going to be operating a vehicle...with me in the passenger seat...in the ice and snow. Somebody pour me a stiff drink!

As excited as I am for him to advance to the next stage of being human, I'm saddened by the speed at which these boys have gone from toddlers to teenagers. The proverbial 'blink of an eye' really takes full effect for a parent right about this age. I've mentally scanned through the last 15 years of this kid's life in the last minute. Parenthood is so crazy.

Having been through this whole thing with my oldest, you might think it would be easier. I might have thought it would be easier. No, it is worse. My baby isn't a baby anymore and he will soon join his brother out on the road, out of my sight, vulnerable to all the dangers a person can face. That's scary shit.

Maybe it's selfish, but when these two walk out the door, my whole life is out there, beyond my bubble of protection. I might have free time, be able to watch a movie or read a book without interruption, or hell, even go out with friends myself when they aren't here, but all of it is just a distraction from the constant worry that runs like a rip current under it all until they return. Knowing my 15 yr-old will be joining his brother out on the roads in a heap of metal, surrounded by other 'unpredictable' heaps of metal and fiberglass...well, that's just something this mom is going to have to work on accepting to avoid a total nervous breakdown.

A Little Pain Is A Small Price To Pay In The End

I found out that I'm more determined than I thought I could be. Despite experiencing repeated pain - they kind that makes you want to pull away from the source immediately, I sat for 8 and a half long hours, while the most talented tattoo artist I've ever known turned my arm into an art filled canvas. That's just three hours shy of the labor I had for my first child. Both ordeals were the result of my own doing, and they both produced something that far exceeded what I paid for in pain.

Now, no a tattoo (even one that is far more art than ink) isn't the same as a child, but the analogy works fairly well. And the pain I felt was nearly as difficult to process, while trying to stay focused on the end. Aside from the amazing and vibrant product of a true artist's touch, I was granted no day after pain. That is truly something to celebrate.

I often overlook how much effort or motivation I have to get things done. Most of the time it's because I'm in it, and don't stop to recognize it for what it is. When I do stop long enough to see it, I become even more aware that that drive and determination only comes from a positive place. The only things that can push you through negative experiences and emotions are positive thoughts.

After a long and painful day, I am more cognizant than ever that I am where I am in life because I choose to embrace the positive no matter how hard it might be. I choose to turn the negativity into energy. I choose to be happy and enjoy life every single chance I get.

Sometimes Follow-Through Sucks

It isn't easy making a tough decision and then actually having to follow through with it. Occasionally, it's so clear cut and understood that taking the step necessary happens without much hemming and hawing. Of course, more often than not, it takes determination, not to mention courage. The strength to do what may be uncomfortable, disheartening, and painful.

Being a parent, I've had loads of experience with this type of thing. Having to draw a line, or set boundaries that are not to be crossed, might be almost knee-jerk when your patience is being tried, but this is not something to be taken on lightly. There has to be follow through, and of course, there has to be balance in the expectation related to the behavior. All too often we parents say things we don't mean, or have no thought process for seeing it through when we are exhausted and at our wit's end. I learned quickly that what I said in the heat of the moment, really had to be enforced.

If I had made a habit out of handing out empty threats and promises, my sons wouldn't have trusted much of what I said to them. Sometimes, handing out a punishment, when their actions had consequences they had to learn from, was hard. Many times it meant I was also having to keep the other child and myself from enjoying something. The tears, pleas and sad faces pull at your heart strings, and as much as you'd like to just give in 'this one time', there are no benefits to that kind of recanting.

Recently, I've repeated the same plan of action...end game, if you will where our kitten is concerned. I have continually allowed my own feelings of guilt and sadness to keep me from taking the action I know deep down I have to take. He has behavioral issues that absolutely nothing has curbed. It took no time at all to become attached to this adorable guy, but we have exhausted the resources for trying to rid him of this issue. Difficult as it is, I have to follow through.

Total Geek At Heart

I had a moment today where I was fully aware my thought process was 'geeking out' over work. The second the flow of information between aspects of what I'm working on clicked in my head, it was all I could do to focus on getting the task done. The fun of realizing I understand something I might never have thought I would, makes my mind go a hundred miles an hour.

That feeling is reminiscent of how it felt when something exciting happened as a kid. Even if it all stays confined to my head, the boost of adrenaline is the same. I'm fairly sure people around me would be quite thankful that I've managed to contain that energy, and process it quietly within myself. And truth be told, I am too.

Learning is something I hope I never stop doing. The expansion of who I am, knowledge of what I am capable of, and the bigger picture of the world around me are things I could not live without. The more new things I try, the better I am at navigating through the days. It's easier to stay positive when the outlook of life is based on all the things you know. That experience is priceless.

No Room For Indecision

Continuing the stream of though from last post, I am making note of any and all considerations for 2015's writing project. Likely a weekly post feature, though about what and to what overall theme I am wholly undecided. The possibilities are far too numerous, but I know I want my choice to reflect who I am, what I believe in, and to further the growth I've been able to achieve from previous projects.

Should it be something less introspective? Maybe containing a bit more of my snarky side? No matter what I choose, the framework I currently have will ensure the most benefit from well developed effort. At least that is what I'm counting on. Concerning myself with the frequency would likely get in the way of finding the right fit for focus, so I will continue to rely on that established routine.

The next few weeks will be exciting as I search for just the right direction. Or rather full of navigating the choices before me.  Choice is a fantastic element in life. Any opportunity I have to exercise mine, won't be wasted on indecision.

A Change Is Coming

I've given lots of thought to what 2015 will bring. Not that I'm attempting to pre-plan, or predict the coming months in any fashion, but as far as this blog, my mind has been spinning. I wouldn't classify it as a love-hate thing, though it's hard to describe this daily writing in any other way. Clearly, as I somehow managed to fall six days behind, the past month and a half has presented some challenges in fulfilling that nightly post writing.

I think the more I mull this over, the more I realize that I am moving into a time in my life where my writing has to fill different spaces. The time and energy I devote to this blog each day will more beneficial in other areas. I cannot imagine forgoing writing, though I know it is time for things to take a new direction.

There isn't a way, at least at this exact moment, for me to express how much my evolution as a soul has been impacted by the past two years of daily posting. Often it isn't enough to think these thoughts, and putting them out here in the cloud, where I can go back and read them at will...well, the positive energy moves from a contained space in my head to a more active circulation around me. I don't know that that makes sense to anyone but me, though I hope it does.

I feel fortunate, this evening, as I do on most, that I am able to pull my thoughts from my consciousness, and give them a bit more life by typing them out here. The clarity this exercise provides, pairs well with the positive charge owning what my mind churns out. I have no doubts that I have come this far, and will continue to move toward that person I am best suited to be. Whether I write every day, or I become more directed, specific and purposeful in the coming year; my life will continue to grow in the positive environment I've been nurturing.

I Have Almost NO Idea What I'm Doing, And I'm Okay With That

I'm getting better at managing the negative impulses that pop up when I'm overwhelmed. When it comes to doing things that I am relatively unfamiliar with, it seems I've had more opportunity to face the naysaying thoughts, and disarm them. A few still manage to get through, but my general reaction these days is to shut that shit down, and fast. Nothing good comes from undermining confidence; it just leads to panic and total lack of momentum and effort.

Few people can tackle a task they've never done, or know little about, with complete confidence and seamless progress. What I failed to recognize earlier in life, was that no one really expects you to wow them with your amazing ability to do everything perfect when you have no experience doing it. I mean, kudos if you manage to do just that, but most of us are fledgling our way through the steps, hoping we get it right...or at least close enough.

Occasionally, I mess up. Really, providing it isn't too bad, it's just a learning opportunity. The thing that's tough isn't making the mistake, it's owning it, and letting the self-disappointment roll off while preserving the lesson. That takes a lot of character; something that only comes from really letting go of negative energy, and stopping it whenever it tries to move back in.

My current work life is definitely a challenge. I could let myself be overwhelmed. I could open the door to self-doubt and laziness. I could, but I won't. The chance to learn something new, no matter how uninteresting it might be in some respects, is the best part about starting an entirely new career. My brain might be fried, I may not have great prioritizing skills when it comes to balancing work and life, but I like that I'm able to leave the self-defeating rhetoric behind, while I dive in head first. In a strange way, I feel a little like Katniss jumping from the train with the Dauntless for the first time, only to jump into the pit off the roof immediately after. Granted, I'm not doing anything heroic here, but I'm leaping all in, because I believe I can (and I won't let myself fail).

What Motivates You?

Exercise and I have a love-hate relationship. Once I've gotten into a routine, I look forward to it. Getting started, on the other hand, is a different story. It takes lots of determination to actually get to the point of having a routine.

Most mornings my Inner Brat would sleep as long as possible if I let her. Getting out of bed and actually putting my feet on the floor, requires far more effort than it should, and it's like that all too often. I've always liked sleep; never been much of a morning person. Of course, for me, there is a short window of optimum exercise opportunity. If it doesn't happen within two to three hours of waking up, it won't happen at all.

Sure, later in the day I'm more awake; settled into the flow of things. The problem is, I'm too into the flow of things to redirect that energy into exercise. No matter what the activity, I have the most motivation and focus for exercise when I first get up.

All I need to do is establish a routine, and then I'm good to go for the long haul. I look forward to the aches and soreness, so that part has never been a deterrent for me. It's actually that aspect that enables me to push myself into a routine. The pain is all the motivation I need to keep going; I know I'm headed in the right direction when climbing stairs or raising my hands over my head gets me to wince. Something that might normally be seen as a negative, is actually the exact positive energy I need to commit to staying fit.

Just Focus On Being Invested

Just how much effort we put into interacting with others really is dependent on a few things. What role does the person play in our lives? Is everything up to us, and if so, why? Do we truly benefit from continuing to engage with this person? Sometimes, the answers take a little digging around, before we can know for certain how much effort is too much, and how much is enough.

Every single person you know is different. That's not news to anyone, of course, but sometimes we fail to connect to that basic fact when we truly need to remember it most. We are all different, which means we interact differently; some of us find it easier than others to communicate. Each of us requires a completely different level of effort from those we encounter, or know. Rather than see those who require more effort than most as a waste of time, or find others who require almost no effort boring, we might stop to think that our adaptability and depth comes from being able to adjust ourselves and how we invest who we are.

Life wouldn't mean nearly as much, and we'd have memories that were barely distinguishable from one to the next, if every interaction was predictable; the same. We'd lose purpose, or at the very least be plagued with a lackluster existence. The varying levels of effort that each of our relationships require, are what keep us agile and ready for change at a moment's notice. We can adapt far more quickly when we have practiced on a regular basis through human interaction.

It doesn't matter to me if I find I do most of the work in a friendship more often than not, because if I'm still part of it, I know the reason is it's a positive energy source for both of us. Not all 'uneven' relationships are negative or toxic. Sometimes there is just one party who is able to extend themselves further, risk more, and be present more readily. That person has often had more practice meeting people more than halfway...and maybe that's something that actually fulfills them and keeps them strong. Almost nothing in life is equal; if it were, few, if any of us would ever be able to appreciate the good around us.

Do the work when it counts, and appreciate the times in between when you're allowed to coast, because there is someone in your life who meets you more than half way. It doesn't have to be the person you've exerted more effort with, that returns that investment. Be who you are and give what each person in your life needs; all that you require will come back to you, one way or another.

Nothing Special, But Incredible Just The Same

Today was a great day. Nothing phenomenal happened, but it was great just the same. The best part about it is that no matter how many times an ordinary day leaves me feeling like something wildly epic took place, it's still just as exciting as it's always been.

I worked, I spent time with my sons, and I cooked. Work was enlightening; not amazingly so, but more about this new role became clearer, and that's a good thing. My sons...what can I say? They make me laugh (usually over something inappropriate), which is something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Nothing. And cooking, well that consumed a good part of my evening. There is just something about preparing the very thing that helps us sustain life. It doesn't have to be boring, and I certainly love those times that it is anything but tedious.

Much of the day passed at a constant pace, but I managed to take in more than I often do. I experienced life in several ways today, and that in and of itself is cause for a declaration of greatness. It's days like this that make me want to push pause and hold onto it all just a little longer, and want to welcome tomorrow as soon as possible all at the same time. Today was a great day, indeed.

Strip Away The Politics, The Crime, And The Bullshit...There's Real Life There Somewhere

It's relatively easy to jump to the conclusion, after seeing numerous clips and videos online about unthinkable acts, and disgusting admissions of deceit and manipulation, that this country is awful. In truth, much about it is. Sight of what our society should be has been lost, or twisted to the point that it is unrecognizable as the vision our forefathers once had for this land. Of course, I suppose that forcing ourselves upon this soil, forging a new life while blatantly trouncing on that of others bears a price we all must pay.

Still, as quickly as I'd like to form an overall negative opinion based on the vast majority of things I am exposed to on a daily basis, I simply cannot. Before I have time to finish the thought that we are deserving of all the turmoil, I remember that there are people that make the world, not just America, a better place. That there are many redeeming qualities of life here, that I just couldn't enjoy somewhere else.

Much of what happened over two centuries ago was unnecessary and cruel; both in how we came to be here, and how we went about it. I can't do anything to change the past; it is what it is. I can learn from what has occurred, and I choose to take the path less traveled by recognizing the best action is to celebrate the good. When we focus on what is right, on what works, we increase the occurrence of similar things.

This life is not perfect; it has many qualities that alone suggest it should cease to be. Among the shit and shinola, easily missed if you allow yourself to be distracted, is the hope and reason we are always looking to tomorrow. There is good around us; so many worthwhile nuggets of proof that all is not lost. The road to respectable, effective, and relatively whole is long. The only sure way to keep us on it, making progress, is to hold all the positive light we see close and keep it from fading away.

No matter what else, I won't ever let the negative around me gain ground and win.

What Empowers Me Doesn't Have To Make Sense To You

I don't feel that I need to justify my choices to anyone, but occasionally it does others well to understand more about me so that maybe they might stop themselves from voicing their disapproval or opinions too quickly in the future.

Have you ever had your choice ripped away; denied with a force you couldn't fight back against? I have; more than once. First, at the hands of someone who was supposed to love and care for me. When I didn't behave as he thought I should, he imposed his will on me. Rather than talk about what I had done wrong, or try to understand why I chose to act as I did, he doled out his own brand of violence. A child should be guided, nurtured and loved, not controlled, and molded into someone else's idea of who they should be with a heavy hand. As a child, I was punished for being something other than what this man expected me to be. The negative energy invaded me, pushing me to rebel. It also encouraged self-doubt and rendered my choice a simple tool to defy. I wasn't making choices to choose; I was making moves just to be contrary. Choice was never mine. Not at this time.

Have you ever had someone else's will thrust upon you, paralyzing and nullifying your ability to choose anything at all? As I entered adulthood, my freedom of choice was again stripped away, leaving me powerless and less than whole. Two men took what should only be given by choice. Uncertainty and lack of self-trust are woeful things. I should have been embracing the start of life on my own; overwhelmed by the sheer volume of choices that I was faced with, not the brutal theft of something I'd barely had experience with. I became stoic, I pushed back, but again, it was reactionary. Choice was something I still didn't have a solid grasp of. I wouldn't for a long time to come.

As I approach my 43rd birthday, I have no doubts about the role choice plays in my life today. I understand what it means to weigh options and pick a path. I know that there are consequences, just as much as there are benefits to the direction I move. I consider the impact any choice will have on me, and on those who may be affected. Despite the lack of experience afforded me early in life, I am responsible, as well as fully capable of choosing. I value freedom of choice, and I respect it.

When it comes to my body, I am the only person qualified, and the only person allowed to make choices. If I want to change the way I look, regardless of how it is my right to choose. If I want to decorate my body with tattoos, celebrate the incredibly precious gift of choice, and own who I am, I do not owe anyone an explanation. 

We shouldn't judge one another because our choices do not always reflect someone else's. There shouldn't be an expectation of an explanation. We don't always know what someone has been through, we can't possibly see all the parts that make up a person's sum; we can be accepting and supportive, remembering that we are individuals, with separate and varied life experiences, no matter what our role in their world might be. You are you, and I am me. 

Be kind, stop and think before you project your opinion. The person you're attempting to convince of your view may be exercising something you take for granted - like choice - because they've experienced the hell of once not having the luxury to do so. I choose to exercise my choice and celebrate ownership of my body in my own powerful ways. You don't have to agree, you don't need to like it, but it's my choice and you should respect me despite your feelings about it.

Take Me Or Leave Me, But I Won't Change Just Because You Think I Should

Do what makes you happy. If you aren't hurting anyone, what you choose to do shouldn't require an explanation. Living your life the way you want is the best way to build and maintain confidence and purpose within yourself, and shouldn't ever be something that requires an apology.

I am a giving and understanding person. Far from perfect, but I certainly try to live my life without trouncing all over anyone else in the process. I expect that most people would be capable of affording me the same space and consideration. Unfortunately, many people seem to labor under the impression that they are obliged to weigh in with their opinion, and then insist upon a course of action that has their stamp of approval. This girl doesn't play by those rules.

It has come to my attention that a likely reason for the inexplicable exits of some from my life, and the over-involvement of others in it may, in fact, be due to the same thing. I go through much of my life sure of who I am, and I do not feel the need to expand or explain it to anyone. Those who walk away may well be unable to rectify their desire to do the same and their inability to own who they are; this saddens me, but if I am to stay on the happy path of positivity, I'm better off without that energy around me. For those who remain close, yet seem incapable of respecting boundaries, I'm inclined to believe that this same unapologetic, I am who I am way of living has called their attention to something they feel they lack. Rather than address that issue within themselves, and strive to bring about more positive energy, they attempt to insert the overall theme that I should be less me, and more everyone else.

Well, I won't do it. If being around me doesn't bring you happiness, laughter and memorable experiences - with me exactly as I am then by all means seek out a road that no longer intersects with mine. We are all here, living life, hopefully in the pursuit of being happy as often as possible. Should we cross paths with people who seem to create hurdles or stunt our growth, we are responsible for how we choose to move forward. I will fight for the relationships that I believe enrich my life, making it possible for me to be the person I am, but I have also learned when to let go of those that inject negativity; or at the very least am capable of buffering the ill-effects they might have.

I am eternally grateful for the many souls who accept and celebrate me as I am, and who welcome me to be a part of their lives and celebrate who they are. While there is always an initial sting when people walk away, or expect changes they have no right to expect, it's empowering and comforting to be able to stop those thoughts and emotions before they ever take root. I won't dig for fault with who I am when I've spent years making the hard changes that have made me a better version of me, just because some people are too weak and afraid to do that same hard work within themselves.

I like who I am. I enjoy the way I live. And I will continue to seek out the type of experiences that feed my soul, and foster the best parts of who I am. Shouldn't everyone?

An End Doesn't Have To Be A Dead One

Today I am seven years happily divorced. I mean no disrespect to those who may not share my lasting gratefulness at finally choosing to be responsible for my own happiness, nor do I mean to infer negative things about my ex-husband. The ultimate breakdown of my 12 year marriage began the day I walked down the aisle. Both my ex and I bear responsibility, but none of that matters anymore.

I don't regret finally making the choice to move forward with my life. My sons deserved (and will always deserve) a mother who isn't consumed with the negative energy a dysfunctional relationship packs. One day I woke up and realized that all of the reasons I had stayed so long were bullshit, and that these boys needed to be free from the turmoil. By choosing to end my marriage, I hoped both my ex and I would become parents worthy of our beautiful sons.

While I cannot speak for my sons' father, I know that leaving the toxicity of an ill-made relationship allowed me to grow as a person by leaps and bounds. No longer weighed down by the bleak outlook of a life wrought with arguing and bitterness, I learned that I am even stronger than I had believed. I had the uncluttered presence of mind to see that there are always choices, no matter how tough a decision or path might be. I discovered me.

I am far from perfect, and as a mother I may not always make the best choices, but I have spent the last seven years being every bit the loving, guiding, and dedicated mother my boys need. My approach to relationships has everything to do with how the other person and I compliment one another, and less to do with need, or obligation. What is most important about this, aside from seeing and actively owning my own worth, is that my sons both see that happiness comes from within themselves, and not from another person.

These days I am happy in my own skin, whether I am single, or I am seeing someone. I know that at the end of the day, the life and home I have made are all I truly need. If one day I get to share that with another person - great, but my continued bliss with life is not dependent on being someone's significant other.

My sons will leave home in the not-too-distant future, and whether I am left on my own, or I find myself in a mutually beneficial and healthy relationship, I know that I love who I am enough that happiness will always surround me. So, yes, I am grateful to be divorced. None of what I have experienced and done in the past few years would have been possible had I stayed mired in the negative energy I'd let box me in for too long. Though it's far from roses every day, this life I now lead is exactly what I had hoped for: Full of the freedom and opportunity to generate as much happiness as possible. At the heart of it, there really is nothing more amazing then embracing all the possibilities and celebrating even the simplest of moments.

A Break Can Make All The Difference

No matter how pressing or time sensitive a task is, there are times when stepping away for a short while is necessary. It's like finding space to breathe, letting all the tension fall away for a few minutes, and clearing away the congestion of thoughts. I rarely use to listen to myself, pushing until I couldn't focus, and I'd fall further behind than if I had just taken that half hour break from everything I was doing. I listened today, and I came back more productive than I ever would have been if I had ignored that need for a little break.

Deadlines, Meetings, Voting, And Yes, I'm Having A Second Glass Of Wine

I've heard myself moan and groan about running Harry Caray between work and my to-do list the past couple of days, and I'm less than impressed by it. There are many things that I could say about being this busy, but complaining and whining really shouldn't be any of them. I am gainfully employed, the work is challenging, and I get to work from home. So really, what is there to lament about?

Being idle has never actually suited me. I get antsy if I'm bored for too long. Having something to do; particularly something involved, is when I feel like I'm productive. After years of tending to my sons', it is great to know that I've been able to segue, with very few hiccups, into a career that will keep me equally occupied.

Sure, at the end of the night I might not want to immediate move from whatever document I was working on to writing a blog post, but really when it comes to being able to stretch my mind out and write about what I want, it doesn't seem like an impossible task. It almost doesn't seem like a 'task' at all. No matter how brain fried I feel, this part comes far easier than I might have expected it would.

Between jobs, meetings, and errands, I managed to vote today. Typically, I go to the polls first thing in the morning, but the day took off before I could head in that direction, so I had to wait until tonight. My initial expectation was that my voting place would be swamped and I'd be standing in line for longer than I wanted; thankfully the lines moved swiftly. I filled in my ovals, fed my ballots to the machine, and was picking up pizza to bring home in under a half hour. Without a doubt, I walked through my door relieved, happy, and accomplished. Not to mention proudly wearing my 'I voted' sticker.

As crazy as my day started out, I am content to know that I got most everything I'd set out to do done. And well, I might add. My head might be stuck in a vortex of new information, but learning new things is always a plus. And hey, no matter how stressed I might get with deadlines, at least I don't have to work in a newsroom on election night.

Huh, Amazing What Runs Through My Head

For the past two hours, I've avoided writing tonight's post. I've been writing all day, and it's the last thing I've wanted to do tonight. Of course, I'm a writer, so writing is really what I do.

My son is watching South Park (hey, I choose not to fight that battle), and all I can hear is Jon Lovitz. I mean, where the hell did that come from? When was the last time anyone even heard of Jon Lovitz? Curiosity got the better of me and I looked him up on IMDb. Turns out this guy has been way more active acting over the past decade than I could have imagined.

Not only has he been in several TV shows and movies, I clearly haven't watched much comedy since the 90s. Granted, a lot of the things he's done as of late have been voice roles, but that's quite a distinguishable voice. The funny thing is, the voice I heard that instantly made me think of him, wasn't him at all.

I have no idea how suddenly being reminded of this comedian relates to my life; maybe it doesn't at all. I did scroll through the list of credits, and laughed a bit as I read earlier titles that I remember seeing. Some of those movies and TV shows were a good dose of funny back in the day. I mean, I've seen The Wedding Singer countless times (and I still love it), Married with Children was always a fave, not to mention Big, and who didn't love The Brave Toaster!

Sometimes I think quick, passing judgment even more quickly, without really giving adequate consideration to things and people I should. My immediate thought after being reminded of Lovitz was 'eh, I never like his acting much', but I think actually what I was reacting to was my irritation with stupid humor. South Park, for instance. I wouldn't say that I love Lovitz work, but he always made me laugh, and he's still around. Still around, and working.

Just because I thought I couldn't muster the energy and thought to write tonight, it's likely I was just allowing my exhaustion from work make me forget that I love writing. Somehow, for just a moment, I wrote off writing for me. If I can recall that Lovitz did actually make me laugh, then I should be able to remember that I love to write, and it isn't always work that's exhausting.

These Tears Are Far From Sadness

The tears are unavoidable, yet my first thought every November 2nd is to try and swallow them before they spill down my face. I spent years shedding them hidden from the world around me; I just can't share the pain. While I sit here, openly crying in front of my youngest son, writing this, I don't know that it will ever be possible for anyone to understand the depth and intensity of pain the memories of being raped hold. That kind of trauma is far too personal to ever truly be shared completely.

I have openly laid out details, both verbally and written, of my rape, though the only people who have heard the worst of it sat with me in three different courtrooms between the years of 2006 and 2010. Even they don't know it all. They were given enough information to put both vile monsters behind bars for a long time.

I once thought strength meant being stoic, and resisting the urge to break down and cry. Tears were synonymous with weakness, and I had survived being brutally raped, so how could I possibly allow myself to be weak? Though the emotions and tears seemed like an undesirable side-effect of that awful night, over time I have realized that they are the most intense and grateful celebration of life.

The tears I shed in response to the memories of my rape, especially those that fall on November 2nd, are moments of absolute awareness that my life - every second of it, is precious. So many things happened within me as those violent acts were thrust upon me. Self-awareness, the most pure connection with life, the deepest desire to continue breathing, conflict over wanting to block out the physical pain and the fear, and clinging to every ounce of both to maintain my existence...to this day I remember it all.

A world I couldn't ever have imagined was born the very moment I was submerged in horror. There really is a good to every bad. There are moments, like right now, that I wish I had Dumbledore's Pensieve and a vial of these tears. Then it might be possible to express how the pain and joy can coexist; how it is that I value far more than I ever thought possible about this life I am a part of.

Two Steps Behind, But Right Where I Should Be

Occasionally, I find myself in the position of having to play catch up. Lately, it seems to apply to almost every facet of my life. I'm not entirely sure of exactly how I managed to fall behind in so many areas, but I have little doubt there is a lesson or two that I'm in the midst of learning.

As I take notice of the things I've let slack, it has become increasingly tough to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Even more difficult is not chastising myself for it all. I'm behind on blog posts, derelict in my house cleaning duties, and absent minded about deadlines. Thankfully, I have the entire first half of the day to make some actual progress before football is on.

I am quite sure that the most important lesson this current game of catch up has presented, is that sometimes being in the moment and enjoying life as it's happening is more important than meeting deadlines and tidying up your abode. Sure, it would be understandable to become frustrated when I compare where I am to where I expected to be with regard to those things I've let myself fall behind doing. After all, we set goals and expectations to measure our progress and success. I'm not making much forward progress at the moment, but maybe I'm making the kind of forward movements that are harder to see, and take a bit more time.

At any given moment, I am exactly where I am suppose to be; doing what I am supposed to do, and actively living as the person I need to be in that very second.

Just Another Thing I'll No Longer Be Doing

Being a taxi to my sons was something I hadn't really given much thought to when they were little. I mean sure, I taxied them around with me, but it wasn't quite the same as what I'm doing these days. Now it includes late night pick-ups of my youngest son, while realizing my oldest doesn't need me anymore.

I'm not necessarily upset about this, but it does drive home just how quickly life has sped by since I first held each of them in my arms. In those moments, when I finally got to meet the little balls of energy that spent months dancing on my bladder and kicking me in the ribs, knocking the wind out of me, I never imagined being where I am at this moment. The possibilities of their first year of life were far too numerous to even consider their walk into adulthood.

Sometimes I wonder if I've hugged them enough. I worry that I've made mistakes that will impact their ability to be understanding, compassionate, and open. Have I been too lenient? Too strict? When they leave and forge their own path, will they remember to call or visit often? Do I do too much, or not enough?

I've complained and groaned about helping them maintain teenage social lives, but quickly remember that one day soon I will be wishing I was still driving them here, there and everywhere. It is far too easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of what's to come, and to forget about being present in the moment. The seeming inconvenience of last minute plans is just another opportunity to be fully present and involved in each of their lives.

Soon enough I will be jumping at any opportunity to help them out or pick them up somewhere when they need a ride, just to spend a few minutes with them and relive the days I have at my disposal now. Think I will continue to fully appreciate my role as taxi driver for as long as I can; especially since my youngest will be starting driver's ed soon. What a thing to watch a number of your parenting roles slowly become obsolete. Time to work on honing mom-to-adult-children interactions.

Woulda thunk?

I would never have believed it, but tonight I had silver salmon from Alaska (no really, my stepfather caught it), and I actually liked it! I have long wished I would be able to eat salmon without nearly gagging on the overpowering fish flavor, but I didn't actually think I would ever get to that point. The saddest part about finally experiencing great tasting salmon is that it will likely not happen again.

The salmon that's widely available nearby is pink salmon, and while there are claims that it's Alaskan, it pales incredibly in comparison to the amazing dinner I had tonight. Doesn't even come close to tasting as good. I'm somewhat discerning about the food I eat, for many reasons, not the least of which is enjoyment of flavor.

I think I've often overlooked a food based on a previously negative experience with it. The saddest part is that I might well have missed out on some of the best tasting dishes I will ever come across. After tonight, I'm more conscious than ever that an open mind is a valuable thing.