I Don't Care if This Extra Day is a Monday, It Was a Gift I Appreciate

There are 306 days left in 2016. This realization makes my heart race at the sheer amount of possibilities ahead. It's a great feeling to be 60 days into the new year and feel great about where I'm headed already. Living like you mean it and taking in every ounce of life that comes your way is the only way to embrace this existence.

Choose to win by taking everything that comes your way and either making something of it or creating better in spite of it. Being happy doesn't mean that everything is great all the time, it just means that no matter what obstacles you're facing or fun you're having, you're in it 100%. Even on my worst days, I'm in it to win it, whatever it takes.

I don't want to look back at my life and wonder if I could have done more, or should have chosen differently. Sure, I could have made different decisions and ended up somewhere different than I find myself right now, but I'm more than content with this version of my life. And that is saying something, as the past few days have had me a little on the grumpy side.

The weather was springlike on this last day— Leap Day of February. I missed it entirely. Work kept me close to my laptop, but I did manage to appreciate a little window gazing here and there. I wrote a respectable amount in between conference calls and content creation. Now to get into a groove and finish this book. Even on the days that I don't hit a predetermined, but not set word count, if the quality of what I've written is good the day was a success. Today the quality was great. I'm even more okay with having missed out on the warmer weather because I know foregoing it was worth what I accomplished instead.

It's crazy, even before all the Year of the Monkey hype, I knew 2016 was going to present big things. Life changing events. Good and bad, but incredible in the effect they will have. The potential to catapult us from dreaming and planning for a goal to actually succeeding; that's what I see happening for so many people in my life over the course of the next 306 days. I can't help but smile. Being present and able to witness so much growth and change around me just reinforces the belief that anything and everything is possible with the right state of mind. Positive energy isn't a crackpot notion, it is real and it is the most assured way to find and maintain happiness, success, and health.

When you're happy, you typically feel great. You're less likely to be run down, and you have ample energy to do things that support a healthy, active lifestyle. No matter how many blue days I have, I always maintain that positive view that it is temporary and better times are coming. I don't lament about whatever woe I may feel I have. I feel it, own it and keep going toward the silver lining I know is waiting just beyond the last bit of negativity. My soul is far too bright to be dimmed for too long.

It's Not All Sunshine and Smiles Some Days

It is easy to let thoughts get ahead of where you are sometimes. I'd like to say that when this happens it is because I'm working the positive energy in my life to build up to the things I want, but more often it is a  process of trying to redirect the negative depictions for the outcome of whatever situations happen to be at hand. When you spend the first part of your life always preparing for the worst, the cycle is mostly unconscious, until the realization of what is happening comes over you. Once I identify that I'm behaving, thinking and feeling in ways that don't promote something better, it's an all-out tussle with myself to get back on track. This time, it is very much my own energy that is off, causing my discontentment. It has certainly been one of those days.

I am of the mind that not having to battle with depression or other mental ailments is a blessing. I rarely get in a space that I cannot find my way out of, and this has always been at the top of my list for ways to snap out of a funk. Another effective practice on that list is to remember that I don't have to lock myself away and sit with the mood by myself. Much as I am inclined to spare everyone I know and love from my less than stellar and upbeat self, my nearest and dearest are there for the shit as well as the fun times.

At some point over the last year, it became clear to me that I had long been enlisting a range of tactics for turning my mood around when it soured. Some of them worked well and I've continued to utilize them, but a few were counter-productive, to say the least. Actually, what I find worse than falling into a blue state of mind is the fact that I will still reach for those ineffective tools before I get the chance to stop and analyze what is at the root of it all. When I do that, I risk falling deeper into a mindset that only stands to undermine where I want to be. I have never been comfortable being emotional; specifically, sadness. No one particularly likes that one, but all too often I replace the bummed out thoughts with chastising ones, and that doesn't pave the way to a lighter mood. At all.

 When I have a day like this, it is best to just give myself a time out and remove unrealistic expectations from my head. The negative mood may have crept up on me without warning, but it doesn't mean it will turn and tuck tail just as quickly. This was not a brief moment that a change of view and loud music could eradicate, so I brushed off my inner critic and leaned on a couple of friends. The second conversation I had turned out to be just what I needed, as not only did I have the understanding and support of a much-loved friend, but we were able to relate to one another. Just removing the isolation a bad mood can create was an immense relief. Having that conversation while I looked out over the ocean, taking in one of my all time favorite sights amplified the effects. A good friend and the ocean air can make just about anything better.

For me, the sooner I can press pause and take in what my mood is and where it comes from, it is easier to make the best use of tactics I have acquired to generate a better one with stronger, more positive roots. I might not be 100% myself at the moment, but I'm slowly finding my way back to space I'm most comfortable in. Tomorrow is another day and I have every intention of starting it out with happy thoughts. I know that it isn't that negative thoughts will never occur, but that I have enough positive directions to seek a route out of the gloom they create.

Bowling Left-handed

There is nothing quite like spending time with people who have been in your life for years. When you have a history with a select few people that runs deep with many memories — these are the people who often know more about you than even your family. If you are fortunate to have maintained friendships from your childhood/teen years, don't let go of these gems.

I have three friends from high school that I cannot imagine life without. I think I always knew we'd be friends for the long haul. Sure, we had our times of discord when we were younger, but as we've grown into ourselves, the ability to appreciate our differences and celebrate who we all have become is second nature.

It is like being allowed to visit the fun of our teenage years, without having to constantly live in the past. We may talk about those first years from time to time, but most of what we discuss these days is the present. One of the great things about these friends is the instant and ever-present ease there is when we get together. We are long past having to assess what we say before we say it, and there really isn't much we can't talk about. These things can only happen when enough tears and laughter have created trust.

I can't wait (well, ok I'm not in any great rush) to see these wonderful women thirty years from now. The best part about that is that I know we will get to that point. No matter where we are, what our ailments might be, we will always laugh and we will always be in the best of company.

Dressing Rooms are the Worst Part of Shopping

Watching The Office, I'm on the fence as to whether I would survive a day working in that environment. I'd laugh my ass off. I'd get no work done. I'd drop-kick Michael.

Seriously though, that character is beyond annoying to me. I want to throttle him nearly every episode. Alright, maybe I'm a little easy to irritate, but the idiocy makes me grit my teeth. Why do I continue watching? Well, my son is actually the one who watches it, and I love the whole Jim-Dwight dynamic. No clue why Dwight doesn't grate my nerves and Michael does, it's crazy.

I've worked with people who were not quick to understand things, who were essentially children in disguise as adults, and who were so unethical it was appauling. Granted, not everyone fell into one of those categories, and there were a number of people who made going to an office without windows everyday bearable. I don't miss it though. I'm energetic and relatively efficient, but I work better without having to be surrounded by office drama. And there was always lots of drama.

Were I able to tolerate it on a regular basis, it would be a great source of plot lines for a series of seedy books. I could always just go shopping and try clothes on. The most ridiculous and exasperating conversations occur in dressing rooms. Earlier today I happened to be in a dressing room and overheard (like I had any choice in the matter) two women chatting back and forth as though no one else was within earshot. Theirs was a conversation that was actually specific to what they were doing. Discussing the cut and fit of pants, shirts, etc. It was the third women in the dressing room who was annoying. Clearly on her cell phone, this female was egging her friend on to play head games with her boyfriend. It was nauseating to listen to the shallow advice she was giving. Part of me wanted to take her phone from her and tell the person on the other end to handle things with her guy like an adult and TALK about whatever the issue was. Of course, her friend was obviously feeling quite proud of the line of action she was pitching because her enthusiasm caused her volume to go up. The quicker I tried to get through trying the items on, the longer it took. I gave up and figured what didn't fit I could just bring back. No story idea would have been worth listening to the self-gratified tone of this chick telling her friend to be an immature cow.

That is the perfect example of why I don't particularly enjoy shopping, as well as why I am horribly bad at separating my irritations from what could be the seeds for potential stories. I like people-watching, but I don't like people thrusting their drama into my space without warning. I am also not a fan of women proving the various unfavorable stereotypes about our gender right. And this was a tangent three hours in the making...I'm a disorganized writer off in a million directions. I've also had The Office playing non-stop distracting me, making me laugh, and reminding me why I don't miss working in an office. With other people. And their drama.

A Little Frankness About My Difficulty With Patience

I've always had a bit of an issue with impatience. I don't like to wait. Really though, who does? Not being able to tolerate waiting or a slower pace can present problems, and they are usually of the sort that only result from a lack of patience. I know more than a little something about this. I may have gotten better over the years, but this issue still affects my overall energy and that is something that isn't okay with me.

At one time anything would have me tapping my foot and biting my tongue as the process or time something took whittled away at my demeanor. Most of the time (I said most) it's a lack of patience with myself. I want to get something finished or see more obvious results of work I've done, but it doesn't seem like I'm making any forward progress. That's when I get edgy and irritable, which is exactly the kind of reaction I don't want to have. Not when I could avoid it altogether, and I can if I just alter my thinking 'in the moment'. That's the tricky part. Good thing I'm fairly obstinent, I won't allow myself to continue doing things that don't benefit my overall growth. At least I won't let it get out of hand anyway.

When it comes to food however, it is definitely tough to maintain a bright outlook. Not all food mind you, just the foods that my body seems to be hellbent on rejecting. Every few years since finding out I had an onion allergy, I seem to start reacting poorly to something else. Five years ago I stopped eating gluten, and then I cut out as many processed gf carbs as I could because even those didn't agree with me. What makes it frustrating is that I'm far from a picky eater. I love food! Until the onion allergy, I never thought twice about trying new foods. If the opportunity to taste something new presented itself, I was always game. A food allergy will end that excitement quick.

If I know a food could even potentially have something I can't eat in it, I avoid it without hesitation, and these days without regret. It gets easier to pass on foods I may have once enjoyed, now that I have had enough awful experiences consuming them post-allergy onset. What I am bothered by, what makes me testy with impatience is when I eat somthing that doesn't have any of my allergy triggers in it and it makes me feel like I ate a big pile of onion bagels. The painful — quite literally painful process of narrowing down the potential offenders is tediously slow. Not only is the answer rarely found by removing the first food/ingredient, but trying to sort through it all means a lot of agonizing, or at the very least supremely uncomfortable nights. When your digestive system is irritated, everything is an offender. So, after a reaction you have to let everything heal before you willing subject yourself to the inner chaos all over again. Each and every time you remove an ingredient/food. Not fun, and trying on the most angelic and patient of people, of which I am neither. Pity those who have to put up with me on a daily basis when this happens. Thankfully they love me anyway.

So what is the upside to this? Well, eventually I figure out what food my body has decided it no longer wants to process. In the meantime, I get to appreciate what being healthy and feeling good is worth. It is hard to lose sight of those things when you are in a cycle of digestive distress. You embrace things like waking up and feeling great because your stomach isn't in pain, or your abdomen isn't distended from inflammatory reactions. To be blunt, you appreciate regularity, not to mention all foods that enter, work their way through and exit your body without much ado. My allergies could be far worse than they are, so even as I wince at the thought of the discomfort, I know that I'll survive. The worst of it truly is the effect it has on my nerves. When you're not naturally a patient person, having that shortcoming challenged certainly tests your resolve to be the better version of yourself you've worked so hard to become.

Can You See Yourself Where You Want To Be?

I often use visualization (ok, so maybe it's really daydreaming in my case) to change my thinking. Particularly when the thoughts I'm generating aren't positive in nature. No matter how silly or hokey it sounds, it actually works pretty well. Granted, I've moved past the intense negativity I once had, so seeing myself on a beach in the sun, living elsewhere in the winter, or doing what I love full-time inspires me instead of making the bad attitude worse. It's likely this sort of practice comes with age, but I'd prefer to think it is the result of working to become a better version of myself.

So back to my daydrea...I mean, visualization. Whether it is with fitness, work, vacation or writing I have some regular go-to images that keep me on track, or get me back in motion toward whatever it is I want to achieve. This is incrediby helpful when the goal I've set is further in the future than a few weeks. Distractions are often too tempting to ignore and once you spread your attentions all over the place, it's easier for the naysayer within to get in a few good jabs. I don't like allowing self-doubt or undue criticism root itself in my mind, especially when it is using space and energy that would otherwise be better used making progress.

I never felt comfortable expecting great things in life. For a variety of reasons I didn't think someone like me deserved them. Some that, for lack of a better way of phrasing it, was damaged. I figured my story was written and there was no changing it. Imagine going through your entire life thinking you had to just live with whatever the day presented, like you had no control or say in it all. How could you possibly enjoy anything if you didn't think you'd earn it, or worse, deserved to be happy? Crazy as it seems to me now, I spent the better part of three decades in that very frame of mind.

That is a place I won't go back to again. If it takes conjuring up daydre...visualizations multiple times a day, I'd rather spend time thinking about what is possible and completely doable then fixated on all that could go wrong, or won't work. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach a goal, so long as I reach it. I know what works for me to stay focused and motivated, and that's really all I need to know along the way.

Even the Small Stuff

I've got to play taxi to the teen. Well, actually I could just let him take my car, but I've also got errands to run. I have to write. I really want to watch the last episode of the X-Files, as well. There's laundry to fold, general picking up to do, and I haven't even made dinner for myself yet. All this and I work from home. At least, I got some work done, wrote a little and paid bills. Priorites. Mine are allllll over the place.

Ok, well maybe it's just me that's all over the place. I paused while writing this, carted the kid to his gf's, went to the store and picked up the things we needed, came home and got dinner cooking, and finally sat down to finish this post. The laundry? Well, that will just have to wait until I am done with this and back home with the kid.

Amazing that I can keep on top of things some days. No matter how hectic it gets, life doesn't fall apart, and that is amazing enough to convince me I'm on a good path, even if it seems like I've strayed occasionally. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging that I'm all that. It's just nice to look back on a whirlwind of a day and be reassured everything is still right side up.

While the downside to this kind of day is that I don't spend as much time flexing my creative side, at least I'm doing it at all. When a train of thought is interrupted several times, much of the original intent is lost in the abyss of conscious and unconscious thinking. That wreaks havoc on productivity. It does make the day fly by, and in some cases that's something to be grateful for. Even if that is the only thing that I can identify when I reflect on all that transpired since the time I woke up, it's still something positive. Yeah, it's a good day if there's even one thing that makes you feel like you accomplished or made it through anything. I didn't pen a best selling novel today, but I did do a number of small things that will make tomorrow and the following days a little easier. I'm calling it a win.

Nothing is Forever

If there is one thing in life that is true it's that nothing is constant. Everything that surrounds you today could be gone tomorrow. While that isn't likely to be the case, but there is no way to know what in life could change drastically from day to day. That is why we should make the most of all we have when we have the chance.

At the moment my heart is heavy. I have no words to express what is on my mind at this moment. Love those around you, and bridge a lasting connection. You don't get always get a second chance. There isn't always going to be an explanation that makes sense to you. When someone makes a choice that could create chaos in the lives of those around them and chooses to do it anyway, it is important to not lose sight of the things and people who are still around you.

People come and go, and sometimes it's someone far too close that leaves without explanation. Mourn the loss, but don't let it consume you. Treasure the memories of what they brought to your life, don't let them jade your spirit. There may never be an understandable reason, just accept that difficult as it is, you aren't mean to know right now.

There isn't always a warning sign when life is about to change, and even when there might be hints, the shock is no less real. Learn to appreciate what you have, when you have it, and let go of what was, when it ends. This life is imperfect, full of amazement and devastation. What we create with it all is the most important thing.

Effort and Work Are Subjective Things at Best

You know that moment when you look at whatever task or path is in front of you, and you experience an almost overwhelming, gut-wrenching fear of how difficult it's going to be? Yeah, well there is no doubt hard work is going to be involved, but most of that is going to be maintaining the right mindset to push through. Once you start making strides toward whatever end you are working toward, the toughest part is keeping your focus and motivation. Our minds often trick us into thinking something is going to be harder than it actually will be when in reality it's changed that our mind is freaking out over, not the actual effort to get something done.

Few people can face something head-on with zero reservations. Most of us, despite being positive and motivated people will initially balk at something we haven't done before or something we think we don't want to do. I think it's almost knee-jerk because we are so stuck in a routine that anything outside of that creates a little feeling of imbalance. If we can just brave it long enough to see that imbalance as an opportunity for growth, we are one step closer to getting our heads in the right frame of mind.

Nothing that is worth anything is without effort. I hesitate to say that it's not easy because that is truly something each and every one of us interprets differently. Effort doesn't necessarily mean hard, but it does mean work. How we see that work directly effects how successful we will be in the end. If a person is lucky enough to have the stubborn tenacity that I know I have, the jump from being overwhelmed to productive mindset is aided by the sheer refusal to endure self-berating thoughts for hours because the choice to not do something won out. Indeed, my pig-headedness is why I end up pushing forward. I am a brutal self-critic who knows that expending effort now is better than lamenting later.

There were times when my insecurities and laziness won out, which is why I am so determined to avoid that inner-critic today. For me, the fastest way to self-loathing is to give up before I try. It takes a long time for my conscience to let go of those kinds of choices, which is why I almost always buck up and do whatever I may be procrastinating at the time.

I've been asked by people over the years how I do what I do — raising two kids alone, working multiple jobs, still being single, etc. I find this type of question almost ludicrous because for me the only thing worse than failing is never trying. My expectations of myself are high, so if my effort isn't deserving of success, it is by all accounts, harder to deal with than trying hard and failing. I'd rather fail because then, at least, I don't have to debate the level of effort I put in with that ball-busting, inner-critic of mine.

If you want something bad, enough you go for it. It is that simple. Sure, there might be hurdles and setbacks along the way, but those things are just the universe's way of challenging your resolve; making sure you want to succeed. I think there is a huge misinterpretation about over what is hard and what our minds perceive as fear and pass off to us as out of our reach. We tell ourselves we are dreamers or we don't have the right skill to do something we want to do. Each of those things may be true; we may have longed for something for years before having the opportunity to do it appear in front of us, and we may not have the faintest idea or even basic understanding of how to succeed. That doesn't mean we should bow out before ever even entering the room of 'what if.' If the worst thing that could happen from trying is I might have to start over at the beginning to have another go at it, what on earth am I waiting for?

I'd rather have the positive experience of having tried even if I didn't succeed, than always wonder if I could have done it because I never even attempted it. I see results in exercise not because I was blessed with good genes, but because I don't let myself make excuses. My sons and I have managed to live an incredibly wonderful, fortunate life, but not because I wallowed in fear and doubt about being a single mother. I refused to see any other option except making a livable life, and what I had to do at times to make that happen did require more effort and work than at other times. I may not have sold a book yet, but that doesn't mean I haven't pushed myself to keep writing and creating something every day.

Don't be your worst enemy when you could be the many reasons you succeed at whatever you do.

If You're Lucky and You Know It

I am fortunate to have been able to have jobs that allowed me to be creative, both with my hands and with my mind. No matter what else I do in life, I will never stop doing the things that make me feel most alive inside. I am beyond happy that I can call myself artistic, even if it took me years to realize that that term is more broad than a painter or musician — though both of those are art forms that I admire and wish I had talent for.

Just over a year ago I made the switch from one profession to another. I had thought that I would leave my life as a stylist behind me, having chosen a keyboard and the seat of the chair , over standing behind one and working with hair. The passion I had for color, style and seeing a client leave with a smile had other ideas. I doubt that I will ever work in a salon again, though I won't say never. I will however, continue to use my skill and love for fashionable hair to make my friends and family feel great about their look from wherever we happen to gather that week.

This continued practice not only allows me to exercise the creativity I nurtured for two decades, but to also socialize in a way I sometimes miss. The interactions that happen when you are in someone's personal space by permission shouldn't be taken for granted. Being welcomed into another human being's purple circle is an honor; that's something I never lost sight of when I made my living gaining this permission from my clients. When you have the chance to be with other people it's great, but when you know that the interaction and time is appreciated by both you and the other person it's something that cannot be replicated or replaced.

Human interaction is essential to a happy life. Interactions that build up both parties and have lasting, positive effects mean peacful, happy energies spreading the happy around them. Being creative not only provided me a way to support myself and my sons, it also opened the door to lessons in how to recognize, choose and enjoy happy moments. I could never turn my back on something like that. Ever.

Strike a Balance Between Selflessness and Selfishness

Be the kind of person who is present and ready to do whatever is needed to support others. Be capable of assessing priorities quickly and taking action when decisions are most crucial. Be open to accepting all the times you didn't come through for someone, and recommit to being the person you would want to count on if ever you needed someone.

Step outside of yourself and your comfort zone, and learn to put those around you first once in awhile. Forget that you have a ton of laundry or that you may have planned a day of rest when a friend needs you. Those things will be there later, but you only get one chance to make the difference your friend or family member may well need at a time when they truly need it.

It is next to impossible to not be guilty to some degree of self-absorption; we spend every moment of our existence within ourselves, so naturally self-interest is our primary concern. Sometimes what we need most, and rarely recognize it, is to focus on someone or something else in a way that gives both the other person and ourselves a depth and meaning we could not find otherwise.

On the flip side, we also need to know when to take a step back from being the support of someone else in order to restore balance. It is far too easy to get wrapped up in the lives and trials of those around us and lose touch with our own journey. If we are constantly giving of ourselves without giving to ourselves as well, we risk losing direction and all sense of who we are.

Limits are essential to set for our well-being and that of those we care about. Challenges are tools that, when used correctly, can help us strengthen our resolve, extend our capacity to give care to others and add invaluable experiences to our lives. Balance is the key to everything we do, all that we are and the sum of who we want to be.

Find you source of happiness by creating a life that is well-rounded, compassionate, positive and fully aware.

Oh So Many People, Oh So Much Energy

Energy. The world is made up of it. We are made of it.

It's easy to forget these things. Day in and day out we go about our lives, rarely giving a thought to the invisible trail that we leave in our wakes. In the same way that we are out-of-touch with the effect we have on the world around us, we don't always realize how susceptible we are to other people's energy. All too often we suffer the ill effects of someone else's negativity and have no idea it's at the root of the 'funks' we find ourselves in.

Ever wake up feeling, unlike your typical self? Suddenly overcome with a mood that you can't explain? We encounter the ju-ju of the auras people shed every day. For most, we operate on our own vibrational level and either feel no adverse effects from these encounters, or we aren't open to them and we manage to avoid the messy stuff.

I'd love to say I'm one of these people, but years of working in people's personal space made me more of an empath than I might have liked. The good news is that I'm often aware of the negative energy people are exuding and I have time to guard myself against it. What I haven't figured out yet is when I've picked up someone else's strife, anger or sadness that was so powerful it remained long after then walked away.

My amazing and insightful friend called this to my attention today when I mentioned my inexplicable mood this morning. It hadn't occurred to me that I may have been allowing someone else's energy to weave itself into my own. When she suggested this, I sat back and contemplated when the mood had begun, and where I had been prior to it taking root. Within minutes the firm grip it seemed to have on my outlook of the day lessened. My friend essentially cracked the door and let the light in. There was no way the room would continue to be as dark as it had been just moments before she shared her thoughts.

The next time you find yourself in a state of mind you can't explain, consider the possibility that you're experiencing the ripples of someone else's life, and that it isn't about you at all.

Such Short Attention Spans

I forgot how amazing fruit tastes. I haven't eaten much of it over the past few years, and I'm slowly adding it back into my life. Who the hell needs candy? Currently, not this chickie. 

It isn't unusual to find ourselves miles from where we used to be, surrounded by few of the things we once held close or holding a polar opposite view from what we previously had about nearly anything. We get introduced or we discover something new, and without even realizing it we forgot about whatever came before. I'm pretty sure it wasn't always this way, but given the world we live in now, it's easier to move on from one thing to another and then to another without even being fully aware we're doing it. Sure, we still make conscious choices to try new things and leave old habits and relationships in the past. How many of us though, would even realize it had been ages since we saw our once favorite shirt, or tasted a food we used to consume regularly unless either were put in front of our faces?

There are storage totes, both in my basement and above my parent's garage, that I honestly couldn't say what was in them without opening them. I'm willing to bet that upon going through them I would find at least one item that I'd be floored to have forgotten about. One item that prior to being packed away, I saw or used on a regular basis. How crazy is it that life happened and I was none the wiser to it's missing status from my days?

My fear is, in coming to this realization, that there are more than things that have been forgotten along the way. People who somehow just got lost in the shuffle of the forward motion I live my life in. I know there are some amazing souls who I've completely skipped on without realizing they were missing. Of course, it would seem they had also done the same. 

I wonder if it is better to remember, feel remiss and contemplate how so much time passed without awareness of their absence or to have no recollection of who is no longer part of my own big picture. I think I'd like to remember simply for the sake of mentally cataloging what has brougtht me to this place in life, if for no other reason. I'd take that over remember those I chose to leave behind.

Boost the Hippy Vibe and Shine Your Light

As I look back over the past couple of decades (and I loathe that I can say that like I've lived through many of them) it seems as though self-awareness and betterment are on the rise. I say seems because for all I know I'm just late to this positive energy party. I actually remember thinking of anyone who believed in the things I now do was 'new-age-y' or too hippy minded. Clearly I was missing out on the awesome.

In all honesty, I always find it kind of great when I see or hear people around me gravitating to a more positive lifestyle. It doesn't get old. Seeing uplifting status posts, seeing those around me brighten whenever they delve deeper into their transformation to a more purposeful life and witnessing these people make choices that are healthy and long lasting will never bore me.

Of course what I'm talking about is the legitimate embracing of more positive living, not lip service. People who are genuine about this aren't easily tempted back into negative habits. They understand the impact a less than grateful existence has on their life and those around them, and they do whatever they can to avoid slipping into that rut again. They are dedicated to living up to their potential and addicted to the feeling of choosing happiness.

These are the people I spend the most of my free time with now. It's almost effortless as like attracts like, and when positive energy gathers together only the greatest things will happen.  I happily consider myself that new-age, hippy minded individual I could never understand, because this is what life is supposed to be about. Who do you surround yourself with and are you the kind of person that brings a boost of light wherever you go? If not, what are you waiting for?

You Time — Make It a Thing

What do you do to recharge? All too often we run around through our days, doing things for everyone around us, and forget that we need to take time for ourselves. This is a topic that begs to be discussed often because so few of us heed the warnings our bodies and minds send when we are overworked and spread too thin.

I don't take much in the way of downtime but I'm getting better. And by downtime, I mean no technology, TV or 'busy work'. It's easy to lose track of the last time we took even a half hour just to sit in a quiet space and breathe. With so much emphasis on packing every possible ounce of experience into our short time on this earth, it seems like a waste of precious time to slow down and do nothing sometimes. Really, we would miss so much of what we are trying to do, see and create if we never took the time to recharge.

The thing is, we actually get more out of life and less time is wasted when we are rested and able to be 100% present.

Has it been so long since you've spent time by yourself actively trying to find balance, that you have no idea where to begin? Well, it might take some time, but really it's just more experiences for your unique journey. Try different things until you find something that works for you. It's worth searching for the things that bring you peace.

When you regularly bring yourself back to peace, you can push through more, exceed your previous efforts and live more meaningful moments. For me, it's reading. Letting the words on a page stir my imagination and quiet all the regular noise of daily thoughts is my first choice when I need to take time for me. When that doesn't work, and it's seasonally applicable, the beach works wonders. Actually, any time spent in the sun's warmth is a guaranteed recharge.

Finding my centering go-to's didn't happen overnight. I had to really pay attention to how I felt during and after these chosen balance boosters to really know if they worked for me. The funny thing is I have always loved reading but never considered that it was actually helping me reset. Beneficial entertainment.

Don't put off taking you time; get the most out of life by being able to enjoy it.

The Significance of the Day is Lost on Me

I don't do Valentine's Day. I find the holiday ridiculous, not to mention insulting in the modern theme that insinuates women are shallow and greedy. No, I make certain to take every opportunity to show a person that I care about them, not save it all for one day. My expectations of anyone I date are the same.

It's just another day on the calendar as far as I'm concerned. Well, this year it's a little more. The Walking Dead season 6 continues tonight. Now that is something worth celebrating with wine and chocolate! Mhmmm!

When my sons were younger, the 'holiday' was acknowledged. It's tough to avoid it when every classroom makes a monumental deal of it. I suppose it doesn't hurt kids to get the gist of communicating feelings, I just wish that the level of commercialism and the focus on saving all your best for this one day wouldn't be so prevalent. I tried to work some sort of balance into my sons' impressions of what the day means. Hopefully, they choose partners who share the opinion that it's just another day.

Flowers, chocolate, dinner, dancing...whatever tokens of affection you choose are even more special when they are randomly bestowed. For no reason other than to express what someone means to you. Waiting for one day to do that is risking far too much. Too much to chance losing track of the perfect words, passing by the moment when a kind gesture or simple gift could have made far more of a difference or too late to spend time with that one and only that you can never get back.

I'm not against the holiday altogether. I just wish more people would make efforts that count whenever they get the chance instead of waiting for that one day.

Don't You Sometimes Wonder?

I wonder, what would it be like to meet the people I've come to 'know' through blogging and social media? It's one thing to interact from behind a screen, but another to actually see what a person is like outside cyber world. I've seen a handful of my facebook friends in public, but there seems to typically be a line most of us won't cross by acknowledging that we 'know' one another.

Many on social media accrue the friends in their lists for a variety of reasons and through many different means. Maybe you're fans of the same sports team or you met at some event, connected through friends, or simply liked their profile pic. Whatever the reason your cyber friend connections came to be, it is likely rare that any of us can say we know each and every person on our lists personally.

As far as I'm concerned whatever works for you is great. I doubt that I will meet many of the people I've friended over the years that I hadn't already known. I do know that for the most part, those I do know, I know more about in some instances. These people with their hobbies, interests, accomplishments and humor make my days just that much brighter.

My social media interactions won't take place of the time spent in-person with those I call friends. Thankfully that isn't necessary to maintain the best of both worlds. There are some great benefits to on-screen interactions. Immediate feedback, exposure to numerous points of view, people who are generally on their better behavior when it comes to commenting and posting. Of course there are definitley those who do the opposite of that, and they actually have a beneficial purpose too. They are reminders of what we don't want to be, of the work we still have to do as a society, and an example for how not to conduct yourself online.

I've met several people who have added more than just a smile to my day. Somehow, whether it's in a group, through a comment thread on a post, or they show up in your newsfeed at the perfect times, many of the people I do not know outside of social media have exposed me to an accepting and wonderful world. The opportunity to be supportive, as well as gain encouragement is huge, and one thing I will never overlook. There are definitely a few of these friends that I'd like to meet in person some day. I suspect our differences might keep the interactions to what they are today, but sometimes all that needs to happen is to be able to see how a person holds themselves, and what they look like when they laugh. Those are the things that never leave us when we cross paths on the physical plain.

Own Your Awesome Parenting

Of all the things I've started and stuck with in my life — and sadly there are fewer than there should be, I am proud to say parenting has been the most successful. I am far from perfect and there are many things that, looking back, I would do differently. Those things aside, every challenge that has be presented to me has been an opportunity to rock motherhood. And more often than not, I have to say I'm doing a damn badass job and owning this life role.

Now I can't take all the credit for a job well done. My sons are exceptional kids. They've disappointed me on occasion, done things they knew they ought not do, and tried to buck me when I've put my foot down, but each and every time they face their shortcomings and own that shit. Talk about instant parenting gratification. If you can't recognize your own successes as a parent without fear that others will think you're full of yourself, you're doing the whole parenting thing wrong. Be confident in what you know you do well, it helps you get better at the things you still need work on.

There are days when the evidence of parenting well is more evident than others. Those are the times that I celebrate, if only internally, the best challenge life ever presented me. Often it's simply due to hearing someone speak highly of my sons, or when I see them together not totally hating each other just because they are brothers. The times when I have to verbally reign them in are some of the most profoundly amazing moments, however. As teens each of my sons has veered off track of not only my expectations, but of their potentiality. When they are capable of so much more than they are achieving, I've got to get real.

Without a doubt the often one-sided (at least at first) conversations begin with them cursing me out inside their heads as they hear only every third word I am saying. Somewhere toward the middle of the discussions — each in his own way, they start to visibly become more receptive. Their shoulders relax, their facial expression lighten and the verbal and physical acknowledgement of what is being said is communicated without resistance. For this very reason I repeat my initial message a few times, varying how I say it slightly. I know they aren't even remotely hearing me the first time, and occasionally not even the second.

I had such a conversation with my youngest son this afternoon. The topic was his future; more specifically what he needs to start doing over the next year and a half to prepare himself for the things he has his heart and mind set on. My oldest son is stubborn and gets heated quickly; not unlike myself. We can rail at each other and five minutes later be laughing. This kid though, he's über emotional and it can take three times as long to get to the heart of the matter, while he works through his roller coaster ride of reactions. Frustrating as it can be for me, I've learned that he will hear what I am saying and make adjustments without having to revist the discussion several times.

We hit that common ground and understanding in record time today. There was even acknowledgement of the validity of what I was saying. For a 16 yr-old who automatically, as part of the biological make-up of a teenager, assumes adults are slow to grasp how things are growing up today, this was epic. The most encouraging and rewarding thing for me is knowing that both he and his brother are fully aware that what I do, I do to make sure they are always striving to improve, to live up to their abilities and to succeed in life. They know that I take my role as their mother more serious than anything else in this life, and that I am there for them whenver they need me. Whether it is as an ear to bend, a source of advice, help with something, teaching them life tools or busting their asses because I know they can work smarter, they don't question my dedication or love.

Life isn't perfect and I'm beyond grateful for that. Without trials, tribulations and those tough moments, we wouldn't have the chance to push each other toward greatness, or lean on someone when things get hard to navigate on our own. My kids know that I am not afraid to get in their space and challenge them, so they expect more of themselves and try harder as a result. They won't slack off completely, but I find that when they are just having a rough go of it, they will let off their drive long enough for the fail-safe known as mom to kick in and push them when they need it most.

I Wish I Was More Deserving of the Title, Geek

I have an addiction to superhero/comic book movies and shows. Really bad addiction.

This girl is totally guilty of loving Tobey Maguire's Spiderman, particularly with James Franco's adversary, Harry Osborne. I probably am more of a fan of Franco than Maguire, but regardless, I love the version of the comic that includes the two of them. I must confess that because I am so tied to this version, I have yet to see the newer take on my favorite comic book hero.

X-Men is another favorite, though again, I am hesitant about seeing the latest offering with Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique. Don't get me wrong, I love J-Law, but Rebecca Romijn brought the character alive for me. Admittedly, she is not the best actress, but there was something perfect about her as that character. Oh ok, she's got a killer body. Lawrence is gorgeous as well, but Romijn's supermodel curves made her more the comic book villain in my eyes. Of course, my real loves of the first few X-Men movies are Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman. Hellooo! Good-looking men, who are incredible actors. Both iconic in their ways - perfect for Xavier and Wolverine.

Let's talk Batman. I'm fond of the Michael Keaton take, just because I've loved him since Beetlejuice - ok, more like since Mr. Mom. I am, however, in preference of Christian Bale's Dark Knight. It just seems so...him. Yeah, yeah, he's damn nice to look at, but honestly, he is who I envision Bruce Wayne to be. This whole Batman vs. Superman movie though? Nope. Absolutely NO desire to see it. Speaking of Superman, he is my least favorite superhero. I adored Christopher Reeves, and yes, I've seen his representations of Superman in the 80s countless times. He and Margot Kidder made even the truly awful Superman IV worth watching. Next to Reeve's Superman, Smallville is my favorite. This show was total CW, but Tom Welling was worth indulging in teen soap opera waters. Maybe my interest in the show went beyond the gorgeous smile and mesmerizing eyes of Welling, I think Reeve's appearance in two episodes was the added permission I needed to stop beating myself up over watching the series at all. Haven't had the desire to see anything Superman related since either of these two ended their run as the blue tights, cape wearing, larger than life chested character.

A couple of years ago I discovered Arrow on Netflix. I knew little to nothing of this comic book story, as my exposure to this whole superhero world was rooted in the most sensationalized of the lot. Instant fan. I binge watched the first season and sat impatiently waiting for the next. My DVR has been at the ready ever since, making certain I don't miss any of the Green Arrow saga. This show is right up there for me with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. I love that the show doesn't try to be realistic; the writers totally own the whole surreal events that could only occur in a comic book storyline. The fact that there is no shortage of beautiful actors doesn't hurt one bit either. This show has made me curious as to the comic book series, and that isn't something I've been interested in since Spider-man.

Who doesn't love Ironman? Well, at least not when he is brought to life by none other than former bad-boy Robert Downey Jr. I grew up watching him as an adorable, gapped-tooth bad boy who likely could have convinced me to do anything had I ever found myself staring into those big, brown eyes. It's great to see this guy, who couldn't stay out of trouble or away from drugs for the longest time, finally turn his life around and become a fantastic actor. Ironman and RDJ will forever be one in my mind.

So, I may have left out some show/movies that I shouldn't have, but the gist of this entire post was prompted by seeing the trailer to Deadpool. I've been aware of the comic but never read it. I would be lying if I said that my interest in seeing this movie didn't have everything to do with Ryan Reynolds playing the Marvel anti-hero. One hundred percent all about Reynolds. Hey, I'm nothing if not honest. If that hurts my level of geek, than so be it.

The real question is which comic camp do I prefer: Marvel or DC? Much as I enjoy DC, I'd have to say my preference is Marvel all the way. Like I said, Spidey was my first and forever favorite.

Boom, Boom, Pow — Ugh!

Snow is falling off the trees out back. I am not fooled, Old Man Winter. I know that it is not warming up outside, I can see the tree limbs moving. It's a breeze, and likely a damn frigid one! This girl is keeping herself inside, wrapped in a blanket and dreaming of summer. Ok, I know that I will have no choice but to venture out past the threshold of warmth to retrieve the child from school shortly, but I've got a car starter and I can run! I win!!

For weeks now there has been intermittent blasting at a construction site nearby. The entire place shakes so bad, and from indoors I don't hear the warning horn. It jumps me every time. I sincerely hope that they finish up whatever it is they are clearing soon, I've dropped enough things around her as a result of the surprise quakes. I'm relieved of course that the roof did not fall off the building as was my original thought when the first blast occurred, but the novelty of the brief moments of excitement has worn off since I realized the true nature of the noisy tremors.

The thing I love about living in this area is the quiet. The peaceful, wooded backyard, the subdued neighborhood feel in sharp contrast to the proximity of hustle and bustle so close by. Best of everything. Except maybe for that blasting. Really on my last nerve. Probably wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work from home. (Sigh) One of the few drawbacks of an office-less profession, but I'm fairly certain I can deal with it.

The good news is by the time the windows and doors can remain open all day, this ridiculous noisiness will be over. That's actually great. If I have to live with the intermittent house rumbling, I'm rather glad that it's now, in the middle of winter, than in the spring or summer when I'd rather be listening to nature.

No Lonely Days Here

I write about the things I know. I write often about personal growth, positive perspective, my sons, my family, and yes, I write about having been raped. The good and the downright ugly all have a part to play, and I cannot discount or ignore any of it simply because it may be an uncomfortable read for someone who happens upon my blog. This is who I am, the parts that make up the sum of me. Not all of it is inspiring, some of it is a bit trivial, but it is always genuine.

There are days, more than I'd like, where I find it trying to put my thoughts into words. Not because I cannot find the words to convey what is on my mind, but because I cannot choose how best to say it. I would say that this is the opposite of writer's block, it is more like writer's overload. The ideas come at far too quick a rate to focus and transfer to the screen before the next thought muscles through for attention.

Today is a prime example. I currently have seven tabs open in my browser, two of which I have active writing going on in. I also have my writing program open and waiting for me to type out more within the confines of the composition screen, and I'm weaving actual 'day-job' work in between. An insane amount of thoughts bouncing about, waiting to be pulled from my head and made real for gracing a page on a screen. Sprinkle a bit of housework, conversation and web surfing in and this is the chaos that is making up my day. I know this is not the best way to generate quality work, but sometimes I just have little control over myself.

I sometimes wish I could sort thoughts the way a coin sorter sorts through quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies. I wouldn't lose track of something I wanted to delve deeper into, and I'd be able to sit through an entire effort solely for the purpose of that ONE idea. How amazing would that be?

Alas, that is just a dream and I am rooted to the reality that my thoughts know no organization, nor do they wait patiently while I work my way through their compatriots.

I have an idea, maybe I'll try it just to see if it works out the way I imagine. Each and every time I stray from this page (either by clicking on another tab, looking at my phone, or getting up for all variety of reasons) I'm going to insert [narrative]. If only to serve as proof to myself of how often I leave my streams of thought for something else. I can't imagine that would be tolerable to read.

Nearly always preoccupied, so after a lifetime of being this way, wouldn't it make sense to have developed a system — a way to cope and still be productive? Maybe consistently managing to work through the chaos is my system. Yes, this seems rather a more likely scenario given that I do manage to write here daily in addition to all the other things I do.

One thing is for certain: I won't ever be driven crazy by the silence in my head. There is a comfort in never being alone when it's just me and my thoughts.

Unexpected Memories Push Pause on Creativity

One would think that inclement weather might provide an opportunity to focus on a project. I mean, driving is far from optimal, so staying in is a must, but I've been distracted by a number of things. Too distracted to do more than write a handful of paragraphs.

Number one distraction? You guessed it, social media — Facebook in particular. Posts, quizzes, SB#50 articles, and, of course, memories. One memory, in particular, brought a smile to my face and had me wondering what has changed since that time.

Roughly once a year I get an email from the man who stopped and picked me up on the side of the road the night I was raped. During the trial process, he was a constant. I still remember seeing him for the first time in over fourteen years. He was reserved, respectful, and understandably uncomfortable around me. At the end of the first trial, things had eased a bit. By the time the third trial rolled around, we were more like old friends getting together than co-witnesses in a rape trial.

A traumatic experience like rape stays with those who are directly touched by it. A person, whether the survivor or a responder, can either be haunted by the nightmare for the rest of their lives or they can find a purpose and peace beyond the trauma. Part of the reason I chose the latter is because of this man. I felt so awful that he was beside himself with apprehension and still so affected by that night. I realized at some point during that first trial that I had to find a way to live a happier life with the permanent knowledge that I will forever be a rape survivor. How could I expect this man, who had no idea how his night would turn out when he left home and encountered me stepping in front of his truck on the road, to see me as anything other than the victim I was that night if I couldn't stop seeing myself that way?

It's been a number of years since I've seen him, but his emails are always a welcomed surprise. I don't think that I will ever be able to aptly describe the connection we have although events like that night make lasting impressions. Just knowing that he is well, that he is happy and doing what he loves brings me peace like nothing else. He didn't have to stop that night; a number of people didn't. He didn't have to testify so willingly in three separate trials, disrupting his life further over a four-year period. He didn't have to take a chance and get to know the person I had become when it was so difficult for him to look even at me and not remember that night. He didn't have to do any of those things, but he did.

None of us involved in that nightmare asked to find ourselves in such a hell, but I cannot imagine how different my life would be had those that responded not done so, and in such a good-intentioned, outpouring of compassion. That I am able to have genuine moments of thankfulness when I remember that night, as I often do, is nothing short of amazing.

More than just being grateful that he was the man who stopped showed up and saw beyond the memory, I will always feel a distinct connection to him. Wherever he is tonight, I suspect the Cowboy (as he was affectionately dubbed) may get an inkling that I was thinking about him. Even if we never meet face-to-face again, he is never far from my heart.

Short, Sweet and So Much Awesome

A day filled with cleaning and moving storage totes. My youngest son helped me rearrange the basement to create a better space for our home gym. Best day in recent times. 

I have been procrastinating in getting that area of the house organized for far longer than I should. Much like every area of a home should be suited for the activity it most often serves; we needed a workout area that was functional and free of hazards. When you're limited for a place to set up weights and mats, getting creative is key. Effectively splitting an open area for three specific and separate purposes wasn't easy, but we managed to do it. 

Being left with a feeling of accomplishment is great, but hearing my son, who begrudgingly acquiesced to my request for assistance, say he felt productive afterward makes me feel like I scored big as a parent. He gets it! The understanding that work and effort can lead to more than the lack of interest at the start might suggest, has not been lost on my son. He is not part of the entitled masses of his generation. There is no better parenting moment than seeing the lessons taught be well-received. 

We spent over an hour moving, cleaning and working together and that isn't something that happens often. We talked, laughed and I dare say bonded. Time well spent, and knowing we will both benefit from is another bonus.

When the day began with each of us doing the preview workout from 22 Minute Hard Corps, it really isn't much of a surprise that we had lots of energy to burn. Having him ask when the program is available to buy was another parenting win. Finding a fitness routine that keeps a 16 yr-old interested is challenging to say the least. A day of winning for sure <3

Oh What Dreams

I don't often give dreams much thought beyond any recollection of them the next morning. There are a few exceptions, like when waking up isn't enough to convince me whatever occurred in my sleep didn't actually happen and those that generally have me freaked out. Other than that, dreams are something I don't think much about when they are over, but I definitely remember them more often than not.

This past week I had a recurring dream, followed by an all-too-closely related one. It is quite clear my subconscious mind is working something out. My childbearing years have long since gone by, so when I revisit labor, quite suddenly, in my dreams I usually awake a little rattled. I've dreamt I was pregnant and in labor in the past, even had dreams where I was caring for an infant but had no idea where it came from. I can say two things with a fair degree of certainty. One, these type of dreams almost always occur right before I make big changes in my life - much like what any vague dream definition might allude to. The second thing is that I've never had these type of dreams in a recurrent fashion. This morning I was almost half expecting (pun intended) to find a baby in the house. Much as I love my sons, and babies that aren't mine, I was relieved that wasn't the case.

So, given the persistence of this theme, I can't help but think there must be some deeper meaning for me to consider. Given my current focus on writing, the likely explanation is creative developments just beneath my fully conscious mind. Life gives us signs and most of the time we often miss them. I have been guilty of brushing off ideas or ignoring things that quite clearly were poised to send me in the direction of something that could have changed where I am today. Whatever the reasons for not following these nudges, it makes little sense to dwell on the what ifs. Instead, being aware of future hints and the universe's suggestive influence may well lead me to the next step on my path. 

Just what these dreams mean — the significance they may hold is highlighted for me by the frequency in which they have shown up over the course of a week. The best way to unveiling whatever creative masterpieces lie just out of reach is paying attention to any and all possible glimpses. In this case, dreams. I believe this recent round of subconscious charades will prove to be interesting no matter what the ultimate outcome turns out to be.

When You Realize You've Been A Lousy Friend

Some days I fail to live up to the person I am capable of being and I don't even realize it. We all stumble and fall in our attempts to be better than we were the day before, but occasionally we didn't even know we tripped up somewhere along the way. Not until it is called to our attention.

I've gotten rather complacent when it comes to social media. Without a doubt, I use it faithfully, but I  made the mistake of allowing it to narrow my scope of interactions. The unfortunate result is that I've missed a number of things in the lives of people I care about. While there may be explanations as to why less and less of the posts I used to see are popping up in my newsfeed, the end result is that I dropped the ball. I relied on the internet to keep me up-to-speed with my friends' lives, which is honestly the laziest thing I could do.

Life gets busy, we find ourselves pulled in far too many directions sometimes, and we forget the simplest of things, like staying in touch. Before you know it months go by without uttering so much as a 'hey, how are you?' to a friend. Maybe several. I am wholly guilty of this. Most of the time something reminds me that I should reach out and catch up, though sometimes that just isn't the case.

Last night, it was brought to my attention that I had been MIA in the friendship department with someone I have known, valued and cared for going on two decades. Knowing that it was highly out of character for me to let life-changing events go by without acknowledgement, this friend sent me a message. I realized in an instant that not only had my silence/absence been unusual, it had hurt her deeply. Not only had I failed to be there for her during a difficult loss, I also created a whole in an otherwise healthy friendship. Knowing the enormity of the impact this has had on her life, I consider myself fortunate that she reached out to me at all.

There are no guarantees that any of the work we do within ourselves to become more whole, more positive and all-around-better versions of the people we once were will prevent us from taken people for granted. The bitch of it is that we are always going to fuck up somewhere, and those fuck-ups will likely cause someone we love hurt. There's just no way to avoid it completely. Being able to own those failures is the first step to making amends. Understanding that some hurts can be beyond a person's capacity to move forward in a friendship is helpful to finding peace within yourself, but also in realizing that when the pain you've caused is forgiven, you've been given an incredible gift. A gift that should never be left out carelessly again.

This isn't about feeling sorry for one's self, it is about carrying the full weight of an action or inaction that negatively impacted someone else and making the conscious effort to put an end to it. I can never go back and offer my love, support or words of comfort to her during the time when she needed them most, and I have to live with that. What I can do is be mindful of the present, and take every opportunity to extend those things going forward. I could well have lost a longtime friend for being so selfishly oblivious to her devastating loss, but instead, I consider myself most fortunate to have been forgiven and to know such an amazing and understanding soul.

And Just Like That — The Fun of Things Escalating Without Warning

Taxes, FAFSA for one kid, vacations and planning college visits for the other kid — OH MY! Be careful what you wish for. The energy you put out into the universe can result in a whole lot of awesome happening at the same time (not that taxes and FAFSA are fabulous).

Having decided on taking a road trip to South Carolina in April, it seemed like a no-brainer to try and schedule a couple of college tours in on the way down and the way home, after my son started talking potential college interests. Well 24 hours later, I'm up to my ears in planning, and even decided to check into schools closer to home over February break. That happened FAST!

I would say that more often than not, things happen in clusters of events in my life. The crazy thing is I love it. When the energy is focused on positive changes, the effect tends to multiply — and quickly. The only downside to this that I can see is that when things slow down, the adjustment period can be mildly annoying. Ok, maybe there's the possibility that life gets too busy and you forget to pause and appreciate the beauty in it all. I like being active and busy because the result is usually a feeling of being productive, but I love knowing I'm still aware enough to take in things like the incredible sunset I saw on the ride home tonight.

There is nothing quite like being in a state of exuberance over the experiences that crop up from day to day. Mind you the level of excitement is impacted by the nature of things that transpire, but it has been my experience that when the train of awesome shit is moving, it's a pretty lengthy run. This is beneficial for when the not-so-awesome sauce decides to make a mess of things. At least the great times stored up the energy necessary to clean it up.

I suppose for me right now, the writing will happen between the onslaught of to-dos and I'll continue to make the effort to wring every ounce of positive I can from it all.

When You Do Things, Do Them Well

I haven't moved off my ass much at all today. Unlike those days where I binge watch some series on Netflix or lounge about feeling under the weather, today I was fully immersed in work. Over the past few weeks, my project workload has been on the light side, and while I did enjoy the reprieve from non-stop screen staring, it's great to be fully engaged again.

By far, being happy requires me also to be meeting my potential in all areas. Taking it easy every once in awhile is necessary to recharge, but for me, I need to be productive more than I need to rest. Maybe, at some nearly subconscious level, I crave being occupied with productive tasks because without focal points the noise in my head would go from a steady hum to unbearable volumes. For sanity sake, busy is best.

In large part, my self-confidence and self-worth come from doing my job well. Actually, from doing everything I do well. I am likely my worst critic, so skipping through a task, with a half-assed attitude and little effort just doesn't sit well. If I'm not learning, I'm clearly not working as hard as I ought to be.

I don't understand skating through life with the bare minimum approach to everything. Whether I'm cooking, cleaning, writing, attacking some home improvement project or working it is essential to my well-being that I am present and putting forth meaningful effort. On the occasions where I am just not able to muster the kind of energy and drive deserving of the task, I typically opt to do something else and come back when I can be in it. It isn't always ideal, and there are moments when I know I could have done better though I am contented to say these are rare.

It is quite possible that the area I find I could do better in most often is writing. Be it that I'm critical of my work or that I find that focus is the most challenging in this aspect of my life, my feeling is that I could often do more. When it comes to gauging my laziness writing is where I am most prone to slip up. The more aware I am, the less I attempt to make excuses, the greater the gains in discipline and dedication. At the moment just producing a few hundred words, a day in addition to working and chipping away at my book is a good place to be effort-wise. Rome, wasn't built in a day, after all.

Emotions Are Exhausting

It doesn't seem to matter how long it has been, writing about my past brings every emotion to the surface. Nearly everything makes me weepy, but in fairness today was a day full of emotional highs and lows. Even at my most balanced and at peace, I would have experienced the full effect of it all in much the same way.

A day full of disappointments and loss suffered by people I know, the air was heavy for the better part of the day. This evening brought another wave of emotion full of awe and amazement. To be able to travel the full spectrum of feeling in such a relatively short period can be more exhausting than a full-on crying jag. While I may have changed the pain and letdown that touched the lives of those I know, this kind of day served as an instant reminder of how many different emotions we are capable of feeling. What an incredible gift.

I'd never opt for unpleasant things to happen. At no point do I look forward to feeling the pain of losing someone, or the sadness that comes from being hurt or betrayed. I will always be grateful that those particular feelings exist because, without them, the best emotions would be lacking in nearly every way. Everything in life has an opposite. It's tough to watch someone go through what seems like more than their share of tough times, but again, balance isn't easy and it doesn't happen without pain.

Tomorrow is another day and the excitement is in not knowing what it brings. My hope is simply that I absorb every possible ounce of energy that reminds me I'm alive. Until then, it's time to process today and rest up for whatever may come my way in the morning.

Comfort Zones Are Overrated

It is far too easy to get stuck in a routine of work and responsibility, where you all but forget there is a life outside waiting to be experienced. When I actually left home for work, I would come home and do whatever needed to be done, and if I had something else to do or someone wanted to grab a drink or see a movie, those things were completely dependent on whether I had changed out of my clothes and into my jammies or not. Now that I work from home, I realize this can no longer be a deciding factor as I am often dressed in jammies all day.

Staying in is a choice I would likely make nearly all the time - if I'd let myself go that route. It's not as though I'm intentionally anti-social, I'm just comfortable with me, myself and I. The problem is I could get stuck in my own head for weeks without interacting at any great length with anyone other than my sons. While it's great to be contented in your own company, it is also the fastest way to loose touch with the rest of life.

The more years that pass, the more effort I find is needed to get out among the general public. Toward the end of my career as a hair stylist I chaulked it up to getting my fill of social interaction with clients, but now I'm not so sure that was a big factor. I think it's more about finding peace and gratifying moments just being with myself. I'm all about growth as a person, and indeed being able to exist happily in your own skin is a huge win, but continuing growth requires challenges that only come from human interaction.

I am particularly resistant to venturing out during the cold weather months, but it is possibly even more important during those times to push myself out of that warm and cozy comfort zone. This is where I am grateful beyond measure for the friends and family I have. Whether knowingly or not, they don't let me retreat into my own world for lengthy periods of time. I am part indebted to them for giving me ample reason to stay connected, and honored that my presence in their lives is something they want regularly. When people want you around - want to be around you, it is something that should never be shrugged off. For certain the gain is mutual; we give and we get when we participate in the lives of those around us. Sometimes we lose sight of the fact that the benefit of realtionship works in both directions.

It may seem arrogant to own your worth in the lives of others, but I believe it to be ignorant to ignore it. When we make the decision to stay in or go out, it is most often done based on our desire to do what we want. Little thought is given to what we may be denying the people who want our presence. I am not sure that I was fully cognizant of this until I spent most of my time at home. I wouldn't say that I have an inflated sense of myself, but I am appreciative of how those I care about impact my life, so it goes that I likely have a similar effect on theirs as well. Few relationships are one-sided, nor should they be.

Simply being aware that I could live introspectively for lengthy periods of time is enough to ensure that I won't choose that path. My goal is to coninue evolving as a person, to get and to give. There will be time for the kind of reflective solitude that sums up a life, but there is still far too much life to live yet. I'm opting for adjusting the balance of life everyday, rather than relying on a set routine to provide it.