Irritable, pissy, amused and perched on the edge of 'something'. This would be the most articulate description of my current mood that I am able to muster presently. Conflicting, somewhat vague and yes, seemingly impossible to experience all at once time.
The truth is that though I may be vigorously vacillating between these emotions, there is next to no distinctive difference. I can clearly identify each of these feelings - and there are still a few more lurking around the center of this fun-fest of emotion, but they all run together like a pack of wild dogs. It would be relatively easy to give a basic list of the reasons for such a mixed bag of whatever this is, but revealing that shit just isn't my thing. It isn't like divulging such things would change my present state of being.
Before one second is over, I go from smiling at the wonder my life has known to lamenting over that which continues to elude me. Followed immediately by an internal chastising lecture to not allow myself to be 'that person', and the general feeling that despite all my efforts and progress, I am not as complete as I could be. There is still a kink in the works that are my life.
Without a doubt I can continue on, mostly unfettered without that one thing, that's actually more a collection of things. There would be next to no distracting regret; no heavy weight of 'what if' that would follow me as my inevitably numbered days dwindle. I could easily live out the remaining time of my existence and be no worse for wear if that 'thing' never visited my doorstep - never let it's presence touch my soul.
So why do I pay it any mind in the slightest? Why, indeed. It's very existence is an echo I hear all around me, impossible to ignore. Regardless of what I have, what I am, this has never been something I've experienced beyond that of a borrowed moment. And while most of the time I am content to go about my days full of everything I have, I am still prone to wonder what it would be to own such a compilation of moments and not feel like I was accidentally standing in someone else's place.
The silver lining is that I am more self-aware than I ever have been, and those hiccups I once saw as downfalls or weaknesses - those times when I fully admit I want something I don't have, that I'm envious, that there are times when all I am just doesn't make up for that one thing, are completely and totally normal. I am a million and one points of light, but only 9/10s of those lights are able to fully shine on the world around me and light my way at any given time. Sometimes the hiccup is that the light that would direct me best, was obscured by another that thought it knew better where I was headed.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
It's Not Always Easy, Embracing The Positive Side Of Things
Possibility. That shit can be awesome, and it can be scary as hell. When you stop and really consider that every moment that is ahead of us is full of possibility, it's a little bit mind blowing. Not to mention a whole lot of nerve-racking.
I mean, if there is possibility, that essentially means that things could turn out either way. I've long associated the word 'possibility' with good things, but sometimes when you're at the precipice of change, it suddenly occurs to your frightened sense of self that things could go to shit in a heartbeat. It is definitely not the best use of energy to allow your mind to run wild with all the catastrophic scenarios, or heartbreaking scenes.
Despite the negative ramifications, it is human nature to initially experience a momentary grip of fear and uncertainty when faced with unknowns. We've evolved over time and become entrenched in routine and predictability. When we have a bad experience, anything that reminds us of that experience triggers that internal protective system. We guard ourselves against even the slightest twinge of familiar pain.
On those occasions when caution is thrown to the wind, the first few steps aren't without second guessing. Whether there is immediate push-back, or nothing but the sound of crickets, my mind goes absolutely nuts with what ifs. Second guessing is something of an art form with me. I drive myself batty analyzing everything I did, said, or inferred. Far too often for my liking, it takes me awhile to get control over my thought process and begin positive intervention.
I've been trained by life to expect the worst. I've been beaten, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Betrayal has been an underlying current, because I extend trust to people who are just waiting to abuse it. Despite all the work I've done to reach the even place I occupy most days, I'm still prone to those knee-jerk reactions, and it's still work to move beyond the doubt, and fear.
The moment my mind recognizes reason, the light slowly gets bigger, and those overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and incompetency fade away. I can move from how everything might go wrong, to what in my life is going right. Thoughts settle on moving passed things and people that consistently generate uncertainty, and finding ways to ground myself in the uplifting things life presents. There may always be a tendency to hesitate, but somewhere within is the motivation to keep moving on toward better things.
I mean, if there is possibility, that essentially means that things could turn out either way. I've long associated the word 'possibility' with good things, but sometimes when you're at the precipice of change, it suddenly occurs to your frightened sense of self that things could go to shit in a heartbeat. It is definitely not the best use of energy to allow your mind to run wild with all the catastrophic scenarios, or heartbreaking scenes.
Despite the negative ramifications, it is human nature to initially experience a momentary grip of fear and uncertainty when faced with unknowns. We've evolved over time and become entrenched in routine and predictability. When we have a bad experience, anything that reminds us of that experience triggers that internal protective system. We guard ourselves against even the slightest twinge of familiar pain.
On those occasions when caution is thrown to the wind, the first few steps aren't without second guessing. Whether there is immediate push-back, or nothing but the sound of crickets, my mind goes absolutely nuts with what ifs. Second guessing is something of an art form with me. I drive myself batty analyzing everything I did, said, or inferred. Far too often for my liking, it takes me awhile to get control over my thought process and begin positive intervention.
I've been trained by life to expect the worst. I've been beaten, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Betrayal has been an underlying current, because I extend trust to people who are just waiting to abuse it. Despite all the work I've done to reach the even place I occupy most days, I'm still prone to those knee-jerk reactions, and it's still work to move beyond the doubt, and fear.
The moment my mind recognizes reason, the light slowly gets bigger, and those overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and incompetency fade away. I can move from how everything might go wrong, to what in my life is going right. Thoughts settle on moving passed things and people that consistently generate uncertainty, and finding ways to ground myself in the uplifting things life presents. There may always be a tendency to hesitate, but somewhere within is the motivation to keep moving on toward better things.
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