Dessert First

Dessert before dinner. I am a firm believer in this motto, at least every now and again. It's somewhat symbolic of grabbing the best, most fun things and enjoying them. Life is one big uncertainty, so giving yourself permission to break or bend 'the rules' goes a long way toward accepting and enjoying the happy around you. Eat up the good stuff, and show the world you love your life with that winning smile.

By showing my sons that it's okay to do things out of whatever preconceived order they may have developed, they've learned to be spontaneous. They've also gotten a step up on giving themselves permission to be happy, enjoy their life, and will hopefully, be less likely to pass up opportunities of positive buoyancy. I want more than anything, for them to start life on their own being comfortable with doing what makes them happy. I never want them to feel they need to forego happy moments because they don't deserve them.

We all deserve to be happy, and when life presents us with chances for joy, the last thing we should be doing is working overtime to justify those moments. Barring special circumstances, no one should pass up a good time, because the benefits of feeling happy are real. The happier we are, the more opportunities to be happy we attract.

My time on this planet is finite. I plan to be a magnet for the good stuff, and enjoy every possible second second that I'm alive and breathing.

Happiness

Having a good time has always appealed to me, though I might have missed out on opportunities I will never get back more times than I ought to have. I've focused on whatever negative shit was lingering around me, and passed up that moment to be submerged in bliss. This photo says everything about me, where I want to be, where I AM, where I'm going, and what absolute happiness looks like in the very moment it occurs. I love this photo of me for all these reasons, and because I see myself as amazingly beautiful, because of the intense happiness I was feeling the moment my friend, Jamie snapped the shutter.

A Little Fun

I adore working with, or being around people, who appreciate a good joke. People that enjoy exposing themselves to fun, regardless of how simplistic that amusement might be. Being able to laugh is one of the most attractive things about any person, in my opinion.

I'd say that more often than not, I'm a spectator, not the practical joker. Sometimes, I even end up being the target, but it's always a good time. Unless things are done in a mean spirited way, I believe attempts to bring laughter and amusements are beneficial to all of us.

For the first time in a while, I chose to participate in a bit of a joke; stealing a cat from my favorite, wine bar. Ok, so it wasn't an actual living, breathing cat, but it was a fixture that 'eventually' was missed. I kept this kitty safe, and plan to return it shorty.

Thankfully, the owner has no doubts I will relinquish possession of said cat, unharmed :)

Addicted To J. A. Huss

Amazingly, I find reading well-written books a source of inspiration. They prove that it is absolutely possible to mix a bit of erotica in with a suspenseful, well-played out plot. That you can have young, beautiful characters facing plausible situations, experiencing believable emotions, and be so well written the reader practically devours it.

I have purchased a number of books on Kindle, and until recently, it's been a 50/50 split on whether I loved what I was reading. Digital media is fantastic and convenient, but it's also bloated with content that leaves you feeling robbed of valuable hours. I certainly don't aim to produce a book that qualifies as a time-suck. When I stumble across something that piques my interest, and more importantly, holds my interest...well, that's the kind of writing that pushes me toward exerting more effort and paying better attention to my use of words; makes me really think about how I want to present the main plot.

J. A. Huss solidified my belief that a book with detailed, erotic sex could, in fact, be well-told and contain substance. I found her triology, Rook and Ronin (Tragic, Manic, Panic) a breath of fresh air in a genre that is overflowing with less than stellar offerings like Fifty Shades of Grey. I had nearly given up believing anyone could write something relatable, consistent, and capable of enthralling their readers from word one to finish.

Some day, I will get the opportunity to personally thank Ms. Huss for setting the bar far higher than it had been, and just where it ought to be. Until then I'm on to read her R&R spin-offs Taut, Slack, Guns, and Bomb.

Some Dreams Just Need To Become Reality

Ireland. For as long as I can remember, this has been my ultimate dream destination. There is no discernible explanation for this, except that even the slightest image provokes a pull on my soul like nothing else. Not even the best kiss in the world could make me forget how much I want to feel my feet on Irish soil. If I had a bucket list, Ireland would be at the top.

While I haven't booked my trip as of yet, I am going, and it will be within the year. Come hell or high water, I will get to the Emerald Isle. Even if it doesn't turn out to be my own P.S. I Love You, or I missed the boat on Waking Ned Devine; I will see this gem of a country.

The potential itineraries I've thought up over the years would take no less than two weeks to complete. Either I need to arrange this lengthy of a trip, or I need super powers to traverse the countryside and coastline at high speed. I just don't want to miss a thing.

My little experimentation in venturing out and about, at night, alone, may well lead to being able to successfully travel solo. Of course I would never pass up the opportunity to take this trip with a friend. So long as I go (and go I most certainly will), my happy meter will max out.

The Brat

So some people have previous awareness of my Inner Brat. She's precocious, and can be quite impetuous at times. And she is that part of me that remained 19 after a life changing event.

I get that this part of me is more often than not the source of impatience, irrationality, and intense uncertainty I experience. Is the rest of me capable of feeling these things? Of course, but when those things are accompanied by deep rooted fear or inexplicable unrest, they are likely the product of that part of me I refer to as The Brat.

She gets credit for more than just those negative emotions, however. The silliness, spontaneous fun, and sassiness are most definitely all her. I've chosen to keep her relatively contained, but every so often I let her get her exercise. It's really no good for me or anyone else if I don't. She can throw some serious tantrums.

Thankfully she doesn't dictate everything that I do, say, or decide. I'm happy that I found a way to incorporate this part of who I am, rather than stuff her down someplace to fester. I may not be able to change how I moved on, or retrieve the near-whole person I was before the rape, but at least I figured out how to heal the fractures in-between.

This Is As Positive As I'm Going To Get Right Now

Today, I am uncomfortable with an array of emotions.

There are far too many people in my life making choices that will have nothing but negative results in their lives. Granted their choices and the subsequent consequences have little to do with me, but due to my empath-like tendencies, I am at a loss as to how I am suppose to ignore it. Really, at the moment, I'd like to scream, rail, and raise holy hell, but that's just a fantasy; one I won't ever fulfill.

Today's silver lining is more like an impasse. I can be witness or privy to things that don't immediately concern me, but that I have very definite opinions about, and still have to just sit idly by and watch unfold. I don't like it, but I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it.

Time to withdraw a bit, and focus on me, my sons, and our life.

Nothing Notable, Just A Great Day

Contrary to what I am feeling at this moment, I've had a good day. Better than good, today was enjoyable from start to finish. Whatever blah I am experiencing presently, it has nothing to do with the most amazingly, relaxing Sunday today turned out to be.

Other than a brief perusing this morning, today was also a day with almost no Facebook...come to think of it, I hardly utilized my phone either. A few texts to two friends, a phone call with my bff this morning, and a text exchange with my sister and bro-in-law regarding the dropping off of my youngest son (which for me is like NOT using my phone at all), and the rest of the time my phone stayed hidden from view in my clutch. Were it not for this nightly blogging, I wouldn't even have touched my laptop tonight.

I don't 'unplug' nearly enough. It's easy to just fall into a routine that includes many facets of technology, and I often lose sight of life without that social media fix or constantly being 'available' to anyone who contacts me. I find I miss the days before cellphones, computers, and cable.

It isn't all bad, however. I wouldn't write as consistently with pen and paper as I do typing. It's also great to be able to just reach out and call or text someone that's been on your mind, or have someone do the same because you were on theirs. There are no forgotten questions or mentions of sorts when you can just fire off a quick text to check in with someone. Sure the instant gratification expectation is high, but it's nice to know when you need to connect with a friend or loved one that it is as easy as sending a text.

This blah mood might well be a small after effect in recognizing how important it is to simply enjoy every great moment or day that my life is graced with, because tomorrow isn't a guarantee, and neither is the next dose of happiness. It could be a bit of reflective pondering on letting so much slip by me uncelebrated for far too long. No matter what it is the result of, it isn't something I will let rob me of any of the happy I have experienced, nor will it affect my openness to amazing experiences and the simplest of life's offerings. It just serves as the perfect contrast, reminding me how great it is to feel good.

Oh The Things No One Should Ever See

There are things in this world that I would be happy not knowing. Some of the things my sons tell me, for instance. Technology and the internet make remaining blissfully unaware of the myriad of unthinkable my children can access with a few typed words impossible. Parenting isn't what it once was, not by a long shot.

I'm horrified that nearly anything and everything the world-at-large can imagine is likely depicted somewhere in the cyber world. It is unlikely that I will ever be able to discuss or counteract the disturbing and inappropriate content that either of my sons has seen online. Sure, there are programs to block certain sites, but even that isn't foolproof. 

As much as I can feel overwhelmed by this, the fact that my sons tell me (sometimes in far too much detail) about most of the things they have seen is actually a good thing. It opens the door to conversation about the relevance (or absolute lack of) some things have in any person's life. They have learned to navigate and recognize the good from the bad, useless from the beneficial, and overall appear to still be grounded and capable of making better choices. 

I may never know the extent of what my sons have seen online, and honestly, I don't really want to. Having faith that they learned right from wrong, and how to deal with what they encounter is what keeps me sane. Nothing is for certain, though I believe each of my sons have the tools in life that will make the difference between allowing what they are exposed to influence their choices negatively, and being able to process what they encounter while remaining true to themselves. 

It's a scary, unpredictable, and sometimes unthinkable world...stability and a moral compass are our best defense.

I Am Not A Fan Of Secrets

When I know things I shouldn't, or come by information I wish I hadn't, my stress level spikes. Particularly if I came by the new knowledge inadvertently. I just prefer to be blissfully ignorant to monumentally stressed out.

While it has only occurred a handful of times, even one time finding myself privy to facts or information I was not initially meant to know is too much. It always means far too much time vacillating between sharing the information or sitting on it indefinitely. Sharing means affecting someone else's happy meter (often negatively), and keeping the information quiet could mean too much pressure on you, not to mention potentially awkward situations should your previous knowledge ever come to light with concerned parties. 

Since forgetting whatever knowledge I come upon unintentionally is unlikely, I opt to weigh the pros and cons of sharing the information, as well as whatever benefits remaining mum might be gained. At the moment, I've chosen to selectively share information with trustworthy individuals, given the content of the knowledge, because sitting with it in solitude just isn't possible. My inner balance and well-being are not worth risking in order to protect someone else's secret; especially when the core of what is being guarded actually does affect more than the person the facts pertain to. 

I am not out to tear anyone down by divulging secrets that are not mine to share. I do, however, see that there are times when exposing a secret ultimately brings about more benefit than harm. There is no way to arrive at either option without really considering each over time. One thing is for sure, rushing to any decision serves no good for anyone. 

Good Experiences And Great Wine

I didn't do everything the way I could have. Probably lengthened my overall journey in the process of being stubborn; only arriving at this present version of me far later than I ought to have. Pretty certain that I've ben able to see and experience things I would have missed had I done it all right from the beginning, though.

The best part about making mistakes, or as I like to see it - taking the long, scenic road, is that I become more aware of things I ought to appreciate and things I should cast aside. Sometimes the key to understanding and making the better choices comes from having made choices that weren't so good the first few times I was presented with situations and individuals. I prefer to have the lasting effects of lessons and experiences well earned, over instantly gratifying ones.

Maybe it's a subconscious effort to slow down the sands of time, as they feel like they've sped up unreasonably in the past couple of years. Or maybe it is more like the maturing process in humans is similar to that of grapes to wine; the best things aren't rushed, they are carefully sought after and considered, so that the best possible outcome is experienced. I rather enjoy knowing my life is my choosing, and not just random chance. I also enjoy wine, and am grateful for the aging process it goes through on its way to my glass. Pretty happy to realize I am in no rush.

I Finally Faced A Fear

Last night I did something I have never done. Something I hadn't ever even considered in the past 21 years. I went out at night, to a concert, by myself. That might not seem like a big deal to some people, especially since I'm 42 years old, but for me, it is a monumental step.

I touched on my whole 'fight or flight response' a few posts ago, and as a survivor of rape, being alone at night, around strangers has long been a stressful thing for me. So much so, I've avoided a number of things I might have enjoyed out of fear. Fear that something similarly awful could happen to me once again, yes, but also fear that I will have a panic attack in public and an even more irrational fear that I won't be able to get home. It might help to know that my rapists first abducted me in my own vehicle, and then subsequently left me in a place I was wholly unfamiliar with once they were done with me.

Here's a tidbit of info that I really have not shared (other than in court): The night I was raped, I had been listening to a blues artist on cassette (hey, it was 1991), and that cassette was playing during the first few minutes of my abduction...I can still hear one of the guys fighting to eject the tape as I lay with my head down on the backseat in absolute fear for my life, and not knowing exactly what was about to happen to me. I had always loved the artist and blues music in general. So, it did not escape my attention last night that I had not only chosen to challenge my fear of being alone among strangers but to also do so going to a blues concert.

My eyes teared up a few times before the start of the show; the number of thoughts and degrees of emotion that were running through me for the first hour was more intense than I expected. I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold myself together at first, but I pushed through, able to watch the show completely mesmerized. A small part of what was taken from me has been redefined, and I am beside myself that I can still heal after all this time.

See, I know exactly where the root of my fucked up issues come from. Sadly, knowing isn't enough, however. Unfortunately for me, it took a rather regrettable episode recently to push me toward finding some sort of fix. I hemmed and hawed about going to see an artist I had long loved by myself. Surprisingly, I did it, I didn't have a panic attack, and I made it safely home. Of course, I know once doesn't cure me of my fears, but I FINALLY ventured out alone; that's something I never imagined myself doing, ever.

The shit I've lived with, and allowed to control parts of me, has cost me relationships and opportunity. Rape robs its survivors of so much more than dignity and choice; it burrows itself deep in the heart, mind, and soul of those it invades, making so many things that were once done easily, frustratingly difficult or impossible. Even though I am aware of how irrational some of my fears and thoughts are, I find it unbelievably difficult to rid myself of it all.

In working to be a better person, I have had to face demons I wished never to see again. Being open and public about this isn't about anything more than needing to purge the sick reality I no longer want to be a prisoner to. I want MY life back; I am tired of holding these fears. Last night was real progress.

Resisting The Negativity Of Troubled Times

Admittedly, I am often ignorant of what is happening in the world-at-large. It isn't because I bury my head in the sand, or don't care what is occurring around the globe. In order to balance who I am, I had to step away from the turmoil of things I cannot control. Given my location here on earth, as well as my life, it isn't likely that becoming so engrossed and gripped by the mass amounts of tragic events will do much more than unbalance my soul and render me ineffective in being any kind of positive output on my immediate surroundings.

I believe, quite strongly, that the horrifying things that are happening in this country and in others need to stop. The manner and means by which these things are currently being addressed or 'dealt with' aren't necessarily in-line with the kind of peace I wish were possible. That said, culture and beliefs have essentially created an impasse; each side of any particular conflict are speaking completely different languages. I, myself, have no answers. The burden of knowing only a small part of these travesties is that the bullies on the playground are brawling, the innocent are being used and destroyed in the process, and there isn't anything most of us can do about it.

My efforts to resist the urge to be consumed by all of this are those things I do on a daily basis to become a better person. For certain this will have no real impact on the current happenings of the world, but there is the real possibility that I may make a positive impact on those around me, and just maybe on someone who will one day start the wave of change that reaches farther than I am able to today. That I might, in treating people with kindness, respect, and positive intentioned energy, be able to make enough of a difference, or effect the 'a-ha moment' necessary for a person to change their own path...this is what living a better existence is about.

For certain, the personal happiness factor ranks high in reasoning, but without being able to incite change, potential, and happiness in others, that inner bliss that drives me to be a better, balanced soul just wouldn't be achievable.

I Can Be Happy And Still Be Bothered By Things

It was an all-around good day. I got a lot of little things accomplished, and was still able to do some fun things with my youngest son. Of course there's still one thing in my life that is bothering me, but I have come to the realization that I can't do anything about it. This doesn't exactly translate into freeing my mind from thinking about it. Bummer.

I was always in my demeanor to laugh things off, or walk around with a tough exterior, as though little ever got to me. The truth was, and still is, that I'm far more sensitive and affected by people's words and actions than I might ever let on. I've certainly gotten better at processing my feelings and dealing with issues far more quickly, to avoid falling into a slump of negative thinking, but every so often something manages to linger.

What to do? The way I see it, I have two choices; either allow myself to become consumed with thinking the issue to death and miss out on life in the meantime, or accept that I cannot change what is, at least at the moment, and continue to go about my life. I choose the latter. There is far too much going on around me to let pass by. Every so often the discontent of this one issue creeps back in, making me feel a little less than myself, but I just keep redirecting my energy to something productive, meaningful, and enjoyable. Really, that is the best I can do.

Shitty things happen in life, often times with no explanation. As nice as it would be to just brush everything off and walk away, it just doesn't work that way most of the time. In order to make sense of things, and for change to come of anything, you have to feel the full effects. There is no other way to know which direction will lead you the way you want to go, unless you can understand, or at least experience loss, disappointment, grief, anger, or disbelief. Once that happens, it's time to let go of your emotional attachment to whatever happened, and find happy again.

Occasionally, it takes letting go in stages.

Some Things Never Seem To Get Old

Despite the fact that I have often said I don't like feeling tied to a routine, there are some things that become ritual, almost habitual. They are the moments and interactions that you look forward to experiencing again, and again. When my 'routine' gets interrupted I sometimes feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly. There is no question I am at my best when I have at least a semblance of routine in my days.

My neighbors (as I've said many times before) are really incredible. I am beyond grateful to have chosen to move here, as the boys and I have been welcomed into a community of caring and fun people. When someone is away for a few days, we all seem to be affected by their absence on some level. Good news, bad news it's amazing how responsive everyone is to one another.

Sunday late afternoon into the early evening has become a time I look forward to, because I get to have a few laughs and catch up with everyone. I had just assumed we would be skipping this week as a couple neighbors have been recuperating from ailments and surgery, and a few others had been away on vacation. Amazingly, and to my surprise, the vacationers returned, and most everyone turned out for a late day gathering; my youngest son even came out to join the group. I am certainly dreading the cold weather, though I may just have to resort to making the rounds and visiting here and there. Otherwise I will become my usual hibernating self, deprived of socialization.

Tonight I'd say, all is right in the world that can be at the moment. Something as simple as interaction with others can keep the balance of a good mood and sunny disposition. Now who wouldn't make the best and most frequent use of that?

I Should Feel Old, But Instead I'm Amazed

Tonight I went to the wedding of one of my son's friends. Surreal is how I might first describe it. I've known the groom since he was first born, so being able to see this particular milestone seems so unreal. It wasn't that long ago these kids graduated high school, and now they are beginning to take on adult roles and forge their own way.

When I think back to being nineteen, I can't imagine having maintained any semblance of a long-term relationship, let alone get married. No doubt it is young, but who am I or anyone else to say what is waiting down the road as these two start their life together. I've interacted with enough people of varying ages (30, 40, and 50 somethings who should have grown up, but didn't, and teenagers who are light years beyond their age) to know that the number of years a person has lived has little to do with maturity and responsible decisions.

It is true, my initial reaction to this marriage was hesitation because of their age. I reminded myself, however, that they are both mature, and are as able to make such a commitment as anyone twice their age. What's more, they stand every chance of doing it just as well, if not better.

When we make the choice to walk a path with someone by our side, only those who truly understand the ebb and flow of a relationship possess the maturity it takes to exercise understanding, love, and the gift of embracing the other's individuality. I can't say if this couple has what it takes for the long term, but they won't ever know if they don't give it their all and try. One thing is for sure, if they practice all they little things that brought them together along with exercising patience, being giving and supportive, and really listen to one another, it is more than likely they will build an incredible bond to carry them through the tough times and help them enjoy every ounce of the best times.

While it is bizarre when my sons' generation comes full circle before my eyes, it is also incredible to sit back and watch the future unfolding. There is so much awe and wonder around us; all we need to do is open ourselves up enough to see it.

Make Someone Smile

I believe that the first things we say to someone, whether meeting them for the first time or knowing them for years, should always be positive. Paying attention to the people in my life makes it relatively easy to notice something different, or remember something exciting that is going on, and provide positive input, feedback, and/or compliments. There is so much more benefit to both parties when the focus is on building a person up, rather than picking them apart, or tearing them down.

People struggle with their weight, relationships, self-confidence, and worth all around us. We often struggle with these things ourselves. When someone is working on improving their self-image, or forging a path of better living, I believe in acknowledging what I see. Sometimes just knowing someone out in the world recognizes their effort and is cheering their progress and success is the best boost to their confidence and propel them to continue along the path they are paving for themselves.

My work days provide me ample opportunity to make an uplifting impact in the lives of others. Besides the obvious outcome of great hair, I am able to give encouragement, kudos, and overall ongoing support to my clients. Making someone smile, and occasionally beam, does so much more than trying to cut someone down. Having experienced the snowball effect of positive energy, I can't imagine why anyone would continue to generate and dispense negativity as a means to feel good. It doesn't work; negativity ultimately only attracts negativity. Go big, go positive.

Life Is A Whirlwind That Rarely Stops For Long

I haven't been working on my book the past week or so. I've been consumed with life changes that are occurring, as well as showing a couple of my other blogs a little creative love. As long as I'm writing, I suppose it ought not matter much what I'm working on.

With all of the push from within to divulge what I'm thinking, a recent plateau in my personal evolution has come to pass. The increase in activity seems to signify a new phase or chapter, and I'd have to say I couldn't be happier. Not that I haven't enjoyed the past few months of my life, but change has been looming for awhile now. So excited to get the ball rolling!

There's also the realization that I've made a few mistakes, had lapses in judgement, and forgotten the benefit of open communication as of late. What is beneficial about these things is that I didn't hesitate to own my missteps, apologize, and while it might have felt a little shitty in the beginning, I feel far better and more equipped to navigate issues with someone I care about. There is no instant defensiveness, desire to point out the other party's blame, and being able to see the other person's point of view is truly invaluable.

Every challenge, every moment, presents an opportunity to focus on the best instead of the worst. I cannot imagine ever allowing the negative views I once was prone to seeing, to work their way back into my life in a dominant way. Things aren't always merry, but I feel a sense of obligation, suffering from no form of depression, to embrace as much good around me as I can. All around me are people, some I care about, others I have never met, who would likely trade anything to be able to say and do the same. Sometimes it's best to be the strongest you can be, to be prepared and willing to be there for someone who needs support, love and understanding.

Symbiotic Creativity...The Draw Of Artist To Artist

Growing up, I was exposed to a lot of music. The Beatles, Glenn Campbell, Donna Summer, Crosby, Stills, Nash and (sometimes) Young, Skynyrd, Molly Hatchet...the list goes on, but in the days of AM radio, 8-track tapes and turntables, my gravitational pull toward music was set. So much of who I am is tied to music; I function in life far better with it than without it. Other than simply being able to feel moved, energized, or intensely in the moment when I'm listening to music, I can often recall a memory and exactly what I felt at that moment with certain songs. It's a wonder I am not somehow musically inclined.

One of the artists I don't recall hearing much of as a child was Bob Dylan. I was aware of him, though I suspect he wasn't on either of my parents' radars. My love of Dylan's music occurred in high school, between hair bands and heavy metal. There was just something about him that moved me...and at that time, I was ridiculously conservative in every way. Looking back, I believe the poetic lyrics and honest sound are what captivated me. My own creativity hadn't really been tapped into, as I had only just passively explored the periphery of my desire to write.

As I've grown older, and unleashed that creative person within, I've become aware that I gravitate (quite strongly) toward other creatively pronounced people. Without even meaning to, I've almost made it a subconscious pre-requisite for interaction. The spark of creatively is like a homing beacon that sounds between like souls. Regardless of the other attributes a person does or doesn't have, that immediate magnet of something relatable and similar draws creative people to each other. What happens beyond the gathering of kindred spirits, isn't always something lasting, but it is certainly part of the defining process necessary for creative growth.

When I am around creative people, I start to see things from angles and points-of-view that I might have overlooked until then. I see the world around me through far more colorful eyes, and with a clarity unlike any other. I become invested in their creative ventures, celebrating and cheering them on. Their successes directly effect my own. The effect is essentially symbiotic, and serves as a kind of life force propelling me through my own form of art.

I am fortunate to have a wide array of people and influence surrounding me on a regular basis. I treasure them all. The influence and connection to those creative flames, however, brings a fire I couldn't ever imagine carrying and maintaining on my own. To those people in my life who inspire me and propel me to new heights within my own creative self, I only hope that I can be that welcomed and necessary spark or flame for you that you are for me. Thank you for daring to dream, and for existing on a frequency that brought us together.

Friendship Is A Two Way Street, But It Also Needs Degrees Of Depth

There will always be something reassuring in seeing familiar, well-loved faces. Even if I don't like coming home to L-town, I always feel as though I am home when I am with friends I've known for years. It is an experience unlike any other; familiarity and history forge a powerful, all-embracing work of art.

Even during those days when I'm in a great mood; most everything is looking up, I find the comfort and consistency the broken-in and lasting friendships offer are priceless. Were I not a lover of exploring the world and people around me, I might never make new friends, because the ones I've had for years do more than meet the need of camaraderie and love. Of course, it is a direct result of those amazing friendships that I do enjoy forging new ones.

The exercise in pacing the way I open up to those individuals I don't know well hasn't always been a strong point for me. I have long been a relatively open book, so reserving personal details until trust has formed is something I've been working on. It isn't that I seek to hide or deceive anyone, but there is something to be said by easing into any relationship. Too much, too fast and a person risks set backs in the continuity of friendship and the possibility the personal facts may end up in less than caring hands.

Getting to know a person is a process that should be done at a progressing pace; light and easy initially, and more involved, and to some degree, investing of both parties selves. Depending on what level of friendship is desired, there should be an acceptable level of depth as well. Clearly, if the basis of the relationship is casual acquaintance or drinking buddy, it is probably a good idea to keep your deepest secrets and the extensive depiction of what makes you tick to yourself. That information serves no purpose in a connection of this kind, but if over time the depth of the relationship forms a stronger bond, then more meaningful sharing would be beneficial to the strengthening of such a bond.

Knowing that I have friendships that serve a variety of purpose and meaning in my life, is quite possibly one of the greatest gifts I will ever receive. To be able to interact with people who connect with nearly every facet of who I am is extraordinary. The memories, experiences, and uniqueness of each bond continues to invigorate and motivate my curiosity of the world around me, and assures me that when I am in need of something, whatever that might be, there will almost certainly be someone I can always reach out to. Undoubtedly, one of the best feelings out there.

Finally Treating Myself According To The Value I Possess

One child is away until Wednesday, and the other is a working man, so mama rolled solo for dinner tonight. I often grab take-out or something relatively quick on occasions I'm alone, but tonight I decided to put the effort in and cook. Even if just for myself.

I love cooking to music. Depending on my mood, my neighbors may or may not appreciate my choice in artist. Tonight just felt like an old Springsteen sort of night. I chopped, stirred, dipped, fried and flipped my way into a low-carb, mozzarella and sauce dinner. Ate it without getting absolutely any of the sauce on my white shirt, and I even ate at the table!

It makes sense to treat myself good, especially because I've had a nasty history of selling myself short on so many fronts. How I hadn't figured this little thing out before now, I will never know. One thing is for sure, I won't be wasting any more time trying to figure it out; it's all forward momentum from here.

Realizing your own value is incredible, and while I wish I had started raising my sons more on that vein of thought, they've heard and seen enough in the last couple of years to hopefully make a longer lasting impression than all their early years combined. We can only get as far in life as we believe we are capable, but what's more is that we also need to know and act like we deserve it. The same goes for how we allow others to treat us. If we live as though we aren't worthy of the best people have to offer, we will never be treated to it.

I want each of my sons to shoot for the stars and surround themselves with people who appreciate and value all they are, but in order for them to understand what it takes, I need to lead by example. Until late, I have been a relatively poor example in that respect, but I've improved by leaps and bounds. Through that improvement I've experienced exactly what it is I'd been so sure, at one time, that I wasn't good enough for. It seems so foolish now, to have withheld potential out of fear or presumption that I'd be thought full of myself. I'm more than capable, worth everything I could ever want, and willing to be the person I need to be to get it all. As everyone should be.

Beach, Brain-cramps, and Duckfat

My brain was working overtime today. I found myself in a situation a couple of days ago that I have not been in since high school. Cut off and seemingly disposed of as a friend, though the circumstances preceding it wouldn't warrant this outcome. As the day went on, I realized that very little of this 'apparent' severing of friendship had anything to do with me at all. The anger and hurtful actions directed at me stems from conflict with another person entirely, and the lack of acknowledgement, apology, or explanation has everything to do with the distraction of yet another person. Clearly, this is likely in my best interest, as I deserve to be treated with respect and consideration, but the sting and shock of it will take some time to wear off.

In the spirit of making the most of every day, and taking full advantage of a night with just my oldest son, we decided to try a local restaurant I'd heard a lot about. We ate and talked about his friend's wedding at the end of the week, work, and the future. In that span of two hours, I was again grateful for all that my life has become. Despite being treated as though friendship with me has no value by someone I considered a good friend, my son restored my feelings of value and worth. I cannot imagine how on earth I would have ever arrived at this fabulous place in life without he and his brother.

Not everyone we cross paths with will appreciate us, value all we are and what we bring to their lives. There is a purpose for meeting them I believe. We are so much more prepared and possess enough clarity from those sometimes hurtful interactions to recognize and embrace the people whose paths we cross that celebrate every stage of friendship with us. No relationship in life is without hiccups or arguments, but the best relationships are those that keep communication open and honest.

Should I never make another friend in this lifetime, I know the friends I have are all I could ever need.

Being Wrong Is Something We Are All Guilty Of At One Time Or Another

Probably one of the more difficult tasks in adulthood is not immediately rushing to point out the flaws and missteps of someone you are having a disagreement with. Owning my mistakes has become easier over time, and I don't feel the need to project because of guilt. I acknowledge and apologize without allowing too much time pass after realizing the offense.

Despite the fact that not everyone I encounter is capable of the same, I successfully avoid finger pointing more often than not. Even when the share of blame is blatantly obvious, and the other party seems oblivious to their own misconduct, I bear my responsibility of wrong-doing and try to move on. I no longer need the satisfaction of an apology. I won't chase it.

More balance and well-being comes from being honest with yourself and others, than in validation from others that the blame for misgivings is shared. I accept that just because I am able to rise above my ego and make amends, not everyone else can or will. The degree of wrong doing is only important when choosing if continued interaction and relationship with that person is in your own best interest or not.

Nobody enjoys being wrong, but a mature, caring person sees value in being able to apologize with grace.

I Can Be A Vicious Wielder Of Words

I am in no mood to write. Even more so, I find I've encountered resistance given the only topic swimming through my head. As much as I would rather put these entries off for another night, I'm already a night behind.

There is something I might never have admitted out loud were it not for the undeniable root of my actions in a situation most people would react to differently. My adulthood has been an ongoing event of self-assessment, change, adaptation and appreciation. There is, at the very least, a snag I have yet to overcome. 

While I have no doubt that this snag is rooted in the aftermath of my rape, it doesn't seem rational that I have not been able to alter it given how much I have managed to grow and evolve in most every other sense. Fear is something that I rarely allow myself to feel. When I find myself in a situation that triggers vulnerability and a sense of fear, my fight or flight instinct kicks in and I become angry. In an effort to extinguish any feelings of fear before they compromise me in some way, I lock down in a show of force, prepared to guard against emotions I cannot avoid associating with that particular night of personal hell. 

When I needed to run, when I needed to fight back, the terror I felt paralyzed me. I couldn't scream; my voice abandoned me. I couldn't run; my legs felt rooted to the ground. Every second that passed was a moment for potential action that I could not get back. By the time I was able to fight back, to make use of the self-preservation that initially abandoned me, it was too late. I am all too aware that I may never have been able to change the outcome of that night, but had I been able to scream or run, maybe it would have ended differently. 

Since that night, something in my hard wiring changed. Whenever I find myself in a situation I am uncomfortable in, I immediately access rage. That is not to say that I morph into an unrecognizable form of myself, or that I began visibly seething, ready to fight. The rage provides the strength I need to get through whatever I am experiencing. An unfortunate side effect is that someone may well be subjected to a somewhat venomous rant from yours truly. More often than not I am able to reign myself in before I do or say something hurtful, but there are moments when I cannot contain the anger. Alcohol has the tendency to mute inhibitions, and that includes self control over reactionary actions. 

There are rare times when walking to my car at night alone doesn't ignite this protective rage, and when I find myself in a place with no familiar faces I move from fear and a sense of abandonment to anger swiftly. The repercussions of these rare times, complicate life, and leave me fighting that moment I froze when I desperately needed to act all over again. It is difficult to avoid the negative emotions and thoughts that surface because of this internal battle. 

In my journey to become more self aware, I realize that I have managed to avoid a good number of situations when I lock down in a protective shield of anger. I don't seem to need the armor to buffet me from what my malfunctioning fight or flight response seems to see as potential threats. Except when I've indulged in adult beverages. It is a guarantee, should my instinct believe me to be vulnerable, that I will lash out verbally to ensure the facade is intact and believable, better securing my feelings of safety. The day after such an event, brings worse feelings than a hangover. I wrestle with regret and, as my own worst critic, find it takes days to work through the mess of emotions. 

My hope is that someday I will be able to experience fear and vulnerability without my instincts preparing for all out war. It has not escaped my attention that a large factor in that outcome is trust. Yes, I need to learn how better to trust those around me, but I also need to learn to trust myself and my responses to protect me when necessary; to stand by quietly when no danger is truly present. Being able to accurately gauge the nature of uncertain situations, may reset that fight or flight response. I am currently in search of how to achieve that particular ability to discern.

Oh Positive Thinking Don't Leave Me Now

So, here it is again...football season. My favorite time of year. The only issue is my team (Patriots) have a way of bringing out the negative Nancy in me.

I know it's preseason, and I know it doesn't 'count', but I expect to see more potential in these would-bes than I'm seeing tonight. This is, of course, just the nature of the pigskin throwing game I elect to continue watching year after year. Maybe this year, I will learn to direct more positive energy to the way I react as I watch games. Haha, well at least I can try.

Much as I am aware watching football brings out the whiner in me, I cannot imagine not watching it. At the very least it gives me an outlet to exercise patience (though my sons would argue that I don't actually use that opportunity effectively). It's a new season, so there's hope yet!

Bursting With Potential

Holding a fair amount of stress for a somewhat lengthy time can be hard on a person's confidence, patience, and sense of well-being. As much as I would prefer to avoid that kind of element into my own life, my energy is better spent finding ways to cope with it. Life unfolds whether I am calm or stressed, so the best thing for me is to focus on living and less on worrying.

The past three weeks I've been preoccupied with a major life change, or at least my intent to make this change. I've fought (somewhat poorly) allowing the stress associated with this change to affect those around me. Still, even as snippy or withdrawn as I may have been, it's still lightyears from where I use to be. I am almost immediately aware of my energy and how I react and interact as a result. I haven't perfected the act of pre-emptive censoring, but recognizing my attitude right away has helped me alter things before they get ugly.

I have had a few days during this time when I literally felt as though I was redirecting my thoughts and energy back toward the positive every ten minutes. Rather than get discouraged and give in however, I just keep pulling my focus back to what I want, what I am capable of, and what I deserve. The amazing thing about this isn't that I've developed serious patience with myself, though that is a benefit, but that I can actually feel myself (physically and emotionally) relaxing each time I reaffirm what I already know.

Old habits die hard, as they say, so when instituting change even the most convinced of us needs to continue the affirmation process. Sometimes the most important aspect of change isn't the end result, it's the way we conduct ourselves before we get there. Though this change has yet to finalize, the process of achieving the end I desire has brought me so much closer to the kind of real confidence and appreciation that will one day be as natural as breathing. And that in and of itself is a major life change.

I Am All I Choose To Be

Despite having been plagued by the uncomfortable effects of stress for the past couple of days, I find that I am content - even incredibly happy. It is likely the reason is because most of the stress is associate with positive changes and expectations of good things to come. Every so often the temptation to fall prey to negative feelings and circumstances that might not seem ideal is strong, but the reality of awesome my life contains will not allow me to fixate on anything less than beneficial for long.

There are many things I dream of doing, being, inspiring in life, and if I only ever achieve some of those, I cannot imagine feeling anything other than successful and blessed. To leave any kind of lasting, positive imprint on the world around me is to have lived. There will always be more that can be done, but being able to revel in what you have achieved is what has the potential to fill you.

I offer no more than I have, give everything that I can, and use every experience to replenish who and all I am.  

I'm A Kick-ass Mother To Boys; Everything Else Is Going To Be A Cake Walk

Exactly how much faith do I have in myself to step outside my box and give something I've never tried a whirl? That is the question I have asked myself, and for the first time in my life, I haven't lamented over the answer. I have enough belief in my abilities to work things through, that ultimately, it really doesn't matter if I stand to fail (because honestly, that's typically the underlying root of any deliberation I may make when faced with something new).

The reality of my life thus far, is that I all too often make mental inventory lists of all the ways that things could go wrong, or not turn out the way I imagine. Not conducive to positive thinking; at all. At some point it makes sense to throw caution to the wind. I've seemingly mastered the art of self-doubt and it's no longer a look I want to wear.

There is no room for silly, self-indulgent second guessing. At the end of the day, things will be as they are, so I can either attempt to be a participant, or silently sit by and be a spectator. I have more of a hands-on, involved personality. No matter what, I'm going to rock whatever I set out to do in the exact same spirit I have rocked motherhood.

I Might Only Be A Distraction To Some, But Everyone Serves A Bigger Purpose In My Better Existence

If I listened to my inner voice, really listened, I might avoid some of the unpleasant situations in life. I might avoid the pull of negativity. I'd certainly be happy all the time, instead of most of the time.

My youngest son called me out tonight. Evidently, the funk I've been in the past couple of days was far more obvious than I had realized. Just last night my neighbor mentioned I looked tired and not myself...and the kid confirmed the visibility of ick with his own observations. So, in the interest of positive energy production, I attempted to right my mood with music. It worked...well, as long as the music was playing.

I suppose that being in a mood that doesn't exude good feelings happens. Of course it goes against everything I've been working towards, and creates a kind of paradox. If I'm upset and irritable because I'm falling short of where I want to be, I push myself further from that place, instead of closer.

Sometimes I find myself in situations that I expected a more positive approach to life might help me avoid. As it turns out, my own energy only affects my perception and respective reactions. I am still going to encounter unpleasant or undesirable people and situations throughout my walk in life. I will continue to be a distraction, a means-to-an-end, a scapegoat, and a disposable presence, because while I'm busy correcting and adjusting my own behaviors, the journey other people are on (whether they are cognizant of it or not) intersects with my own, and frankly, serves to remind me of the path I left behind years ago.

As time goes on I may become more adept at recognizing these pitfalls and challenges before I ever allow one negative reaction to form, and I do look forward to that day. Until then, I will just continue to assess and regroup my emotions and thoughts; realigning myself with the road I chose and wish to remain on. Regardless of other people's intentions for me in their lives, I am who I am because I continue to work toward a shinier, more exuberant life despite the pitfalls along the way.

Sometimes You Can Look, Though It Is Best You Don't Touch

When I allow distractions to pull me away from the things I know I ought to be doing, it is rare I don't eventually suffer some kind of consequence. Since there is little point in lamenting the specifics, I choose to hone my focus and get back to the things that matter. A break here and there, sort of like a mini-reward for work is fine, but getting wrapped up in things and people who post the threat of consuming all constructive concentration...that's a sure way to never complete or see my efforts and dreams come to fruition.

As much as I want to get out and explore the world around me - really allow myself to feel the scene, I know that it won't bring me anywhere in the vicinity of where I need to be. Sometimes I'd like to fancy myself a socialite, but then I remember I'm highly selective of my social circles. The party girl life just won't suffice, because day after hangover blahs just aren't conducive to a functioning, single-parenting adult and successful child-rearing. No, like it or not, I'm predominantly a homebody, addicted to my dwelling and my kids.

These aren't bad things, though I often wonder what it might be like to spend some time in a life unlike my own. Would I be a better romantic match for someone out there...or rather a match at all? Certainly the friends I keep would be far different from those I have long had around me - a prospect I don't really enjoy pondering, actually. Again, my motivations in life have lead me to and kept me on a road that I believe I am my most prosperous following; socially, spiritually, responsibly, and all around harmoniously.

While life might tempt me with the chance to meet people who lead far different lives than mine, tease my curiosities of a world I don't occupy, and taunt me with things I might crave, but shouldn't have, it also bestows the rewards of happiness, success and motivation to continue on the road that best serves me. Being able to appreciate that is up to me.

Happy Is As Happy Does

I haven't been sick in quite some time. Barely even a sniffle (unless you count allergies, and that's something I've suffered with for much of my life), and I attribute this lack of ill to a far greater positive attitude than I've ever had. Positive living, despite occasional setbacks (yes, yesterday was most certainly one), is without a doubt in my mind the very reason I maintain relative health these days.

Never mind that I cannot spare the time or lose the income to sickness; short of something self-induced, like a hangover, this lady is pushing any virus as far away as humanly possible. That said, I appreciate the value of certain medications for allergies and asthma that keep me from spiraling down the sickness highway. All too often I have succumbed to upper respiratory infections and pneumonia simply because my lungs cannot filter the air I breathe. All it takes is a pang of pain breathing to remind me just how precarious my walk of health can be.

Every day, I am grateful for the fortune of that good health, and I try to be conscious of all I do that could impact it. I'm not a saint, I indulge in foods that aren't the best for me, adult bevvies and a fair amount of UV rays, but moderation and a good attitude certainly go a ways in staving off serious repercussions.

I think I will most often choose the shiny side of the coin, as it emphasizes the best life has to offer.