I Never Quite Know What I'm Going To Say, So I Just Roll With It

This is it; the 366th (and final) post. Though the daily musings have run their course, I will continue to utilize this blog, as I like the idea of focusing on life's silver linings. While it's never easy 'ending' something, I try to think about all the beginnings that end has led me to.

There are three things that I know for certain, as I look back on the year that was 2014. One, is that I still have a ways to go before I've learned how to let disappointments go more easily. The second, is that even despite the first thing, I have grown as a person in every single area, both personally and professionally. Lastly, each and every experience during the past 366 days has brought me to this very moment; capable of continuing on, or making the decision to try something new. There were some difficult moments, for sure, but I couldn't imagine having it play out any differently.

I have learned to embrace my strengths; pushing myself to do things I had previously avoided simply because I thought I wasn't capable. My conviction and love of the inner me has grown, and I no longer 'make do'; I know my worth, and I've finally started living life believing it. My compassion has become so much more inclusive, it is hard to remember some of the close-minded views I once held about how people live their own lives.

The people I encountered varied in lifestyles, and I am certain their paths intersected with mine to broaden my thinking, deepen my emotion, and prepare me to live with a less restricted soul. 2014 will definitely be the year that I know I stopped limiting myself, and started living life in bigger ways. I have never wanted, or aspired to perfection. I love this life, the people in it, the unknown of tomorrow, and the possibilities of the year to come.

My wish to all who's life has touched my own, is that you wake up in the new year with a wider field of vision, more confidence than you've ever allowed yourself, bigger determination to LIVE, and the compassionate nature necessary to affect and insight positive energy and change around you. While this night is really just a symbolic celebration of all that is new, each and every day presents us with the same opportunities. Let us all realize we are capable of being what the world, our neighbors, and those we love and care about need. Be bold; this year really learn what it means to be alive and well.

Believe You Are Worth Great Things, No Matter What Those Things Are

Like most people, I thoroughly enjoy having new things. I may not enjoy shopping for them, but once I have something new, it's nearly impossible to contain the excitement. Mind you, the smile I wear when I put on a new shirt, or sweater, is a bit different than when I activate a new cell phone. The one thing they have in common however, is that the pleased as punch feeling generates from the same place; I worked my butt off, so that I can enjoy new things once in awhile.

Regardless of what I may or may not accrue in possessions as a result of hard work and true effort, I will always be happy at the end of the day, when I know I really applied myself. Just having pride in who I am, gives me the confidence to continue striving to be the best me possible. If that effort is rewarded in a way that allows me to explore a new look, or a better piece of tech, I see no reason to avoid indulging a bit. As long as I continue to be the truest version of myself, I won't lose sight of the things in life that matter the most.

Much like the distractions of life that have sometimes lengthened my path to a goal, enjoying the tools of the age we live in can be beneficial as well. Perspective and mindfulness are necessary to maintain balance, but being able to just have fun, treat ourselves, and still be all right when we don't splurge...that's when you know you're doing something right. Enjoy life, however you are able to, and you'll find happiness presents itself far more frequently.

It's Taking Longer Than I Thought, But It's Worth Taking The Scenic Route

Occasionally, I wake up knowing that I have traveled further away from a goal than I intended. When I first get distracted, it is often by things in daily life, but before I know it, I'm in full-on avoidance mode. And that's how I end up half a world away from where I had thought I'd be.

As it is with every day, each time I realize I'm not where I was intending to go, I have the chance to get back on the path I had been on. Even those days of total lack of motivation seem to be reset by going to sleep. A new day brings another opportunity to do more, see more, and be more - regardless of what you did, or didn't do the day before.

Maybe it's just a clever way of allowing ourselves to procrastinate, but I'd rather think of it as making the hours mean more than whatever a straight path to one goal might. Today I did more than just remember I had something I'd been forgetting to do; I took stock of all the things I have done in the time I've stepped way from where I had been going. Those things mean as much, if not more, than how quickly I accomplish one goal.

Time Is Of No Consequence When There Is Trust

The best part of any day, is coming home. Unless, of course, I never left to begin with. I enjoy being out and spending time with the people in my life, but there is nothing like being home, all cozy on my couch.

It was the best of three worlds today. I spent the morning over Bloodies with a one of my dearest friends, the afternoon with the grandmother I gained when my mother married my step-father, and tonight I am home all comfy watching Harry Potter movies with my youngest. It doesn't need to ever be better than that. Lucky for me, it sometimes does.

The beautiful thing about finding the positive in nearly everything, is you learn to be grateful for the simplest of things. I can't imagine anyone ever feeling they have to go to great lengths to impress me; it's as easy as just showing up and being yourself. I've always tried to carry a relatively laid back, yet still quite interested presence. The best way to get to know a person for who they truly are, is to be open, and conduct yourself on a frequency that others' energies are attracted to. It isn't foolproof, but most people who know me, recognize and appreciate this quality.

I appreciate it, and continue to actively utilize it, because hearing about another person's life - the every day things, and the exceptional things, has always made finding a positive energy so much easier. When I share things with other people, I have to be comfortable with them enough to trust them. It is a compliment of the highest kind to be welcomed into the world of another person. A most treasured honor. When that kind of trust is extended, there is no rush to get to the end of the story; there is only gratitude for being given such an amazing gift.

Lucky Doesn't Even Come Close

A full day in every possibly good way, and I'm completely exhausted. Time with family is typically fun, though when there is lots of laughter, it's fantastic. Add in the fact that it's the holiday season, and it's as near complete as possible.

Good food, fabulous drinks, and the best company a person could be born into; yeah, my family is awesome. I believe that the ease with which I've been able to step further away from the over-commercialized version of Christmas is because my family has always made this season's celebration about spending quality time together first. It is without a doubt, my biggest advantage in life to have this amazing family.

Somewhere, somehow, just for good measure, I was also given family members of my choosing, when I was blessed with some of the most incredible people as friends. I have more that I could have ever thought to want, or ask for; a fact that is never far from my conscious mind. Were it possible to share these gifts with others, I would. In a heartbeat. Reflection of the day's positive energy aren't the least bit challenging; on the contrary, I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around how fortunate I truly am.

Nothing Much, But It's All Good

A good part of enjoying the world around you, is being open to it. It's good to plan things, but even better to make sure there is enough time built in for spontaneous surprises, and the occasional wandering down a side road or two. Sometimes getting from the point of intention to the point of completion, absolutely requires exploration along the way.

I often get wrapped up in my day, so when opportunity presents itself, I entertain those unplanned distractions. Of course, what may start out as a distraction can turn into the highlight of your day. Even if it doesn't, there's usually something positive to be gained by allowing yourself to be distracted every once in awhile.

Depending on what the spontaneous activity is, I often return to whatever task I stepped away from in a more energetic mood; quite possibly in a far better space to do the job than I originally had been. This is even better if I've been laboring over something that I couldn't figure out, because nothing beats looking at something perplexing, or difficult with fresh perspective. I've found that many frustrating tasks have been tackled more swiftly when I let myself wander away for a little bit, and return recharged.

Life. It happens every moment; even the seemingly small ones in between the big things. What a shame it would be to waste even a second.

Is Your Heart Full To Bursting, And Are You Sharing It With Others?

Time is truly winding down now. Just another six posts after this one, and the year will be complete. I'll save my reflection for the 31st, and continue to focus on what is right in life at this moment.

My sons are, as many of these posts have described, the absolute best things in my life. It isn't often that we get to enjoy a quiet Christmas at home, watching movies, and just being around one another. There may not have been snow on the ground, and it may have felt a bit strange not rushing out the door to attend a family party, but it most assuredly felt like the kind of Christmas I find worth celebrating.

In keeping with my departure from commercialism, our gift giving was modest; something I am quite proud of my boys for embracing. This was also the first year we did not have our coffee and breakfast while enjoying the lights of a Christmas tree. As the sky darkened, and we moved into the evening hours, I smiled to myself - one less thing to tear apart, and put away!

When the boys were much younger, I don't think I ever enjoyed just watching them bubble over with excitement on this day. There were too many things to get ready for, and I simply wasn't relaxed, or happy enough as a person, to sit back and take all of their wonder and energy in. I could allow myself to run through the 'wish I had' and 'if only' routines, but that would just steal even more precious time away that I can spend focused on all of the blessings I have at this moment.

I may have let years escape, unappreciated, but what is important is that I'm fully immersed in life now. However many years are yet to come, I have no doubts that they will be soaked for every ounce of happy they contain. And just for good measure, I plan on creating as many silver lining moments as I possibly can, in between all that life will most assuredly present.

Time Passing Doesn't Always Feel Like It Use To

In the world of near instant gratification for nearly anything, I often wonder how the generations that don't remember a time when most things weren't instantaneous will evolve. There was something to be said for having to wait for things; a deeper appreciation, and longer lasting excitement were par for the course. Sometimes, I even find that I forget what it means to be patient, as so much of what I want is now at my fingertips.

A text, a phone call...there's no more waiting for days. If someone doesn't respond within minutes, we find ourselves at a loss, wondering what on earth is taking so long. Minutes, not hours, and definitely not days. Mere minutes has us impatient and clicking our tongues in exasperation over not having that instant response we have grown so addicted to. It's almost scary to think about.

When life is spent without much waiting - actual, true, more-than-five-minutes waiting, we have little idea how to placate ourselves in those times when there is not immediate result, answer, or fulfillment. Our attention spans, and that of our tolerance for being patience have been whittled away to that of a toddler. It's as though, thanks to technology, we have no concept of what waiting really entails.

Standing in line at the store, we grow irritable if it takes more than 10 to 15 minutes to make it to the cashier. If a web page takes more than 30 seconds to load, we start showing signs of impatience. When we text someone and they don't immediately respond, a whole host of scenarios as to why race through our heads, and we take the delayed response personally. The reality is that none of these things fits into the supposed attention span, or depicts the patience of a grown person. It's almost shameful to consider how often I react as though I was 7 years old again. At least during those childhood years, we were once developing patience, and it was completely acceptable to feel like 30 minutes was three hours.

I've found that when I become aware that I am rushing through life, impatient with anything that moves faster than instantaneous, it's time to step away, and put things into perspective. I only hope that the younger generations who never had that accrual period of patience, manages to find a way to cope when it's time to unplug for a short time. I am grateful that I remember a time before cable, cell phones, or the internet. That experience provides the perspective I need when I get too wrapped up in the now. And it's been beneficial tonight, as I remember what it is like to wait on my sons' coming home from their holiday with their father's side of the family. Those few short hours can suddenly feel like an eternity, so this kind of reality check helps time pass less painfully. Of course, it's always a great reassurance to get that cell call that they are on their way home.

It Is Beyond A Shame

The simplest fact seems to have completely forgotten by so many people today. It is the key to ending hate, the basis for bridging gaps, and the easiest thing to remember. Yet, on the whole, this fact is overlooked, or deliberately ignored.

Disagreement does not need to lead to intolerance, and hate. We are all individuals, and the very meaning of that is that we are NOT exactly the same. We see with different eyes, think with different minds, and act with different intentions. Why is it that so many want to be recognized as individuals, but then align themselves with others based on one or two things? Especially when those things are rooted in negativity.

I am not even certain that I can put into words how I feel about the state of society today. It doesn't take drastic, or unsavory measures to gain that sense of community we all crave on some level. It is possible to be your own person, and still feel like you're part of something; like you're similar enough to other people that you 'belong', without pushing negative energy on others to get there.

It seems, in general, that a person's race is an unnecessary fixation; particularly in claiming unjust treatment. I wish that everyone could understand that the longer it is the go-to reason for nearly every unfair act, it will continue to be an issue. No amount of violence against another person, regardless of color is justifiable; with the exception of preserving the lives of others in danger. All that race wars do are further the gap between us as a people, create stereotypes that aren't reflective of the mass majority, and confuse the real issues.

Why are we so eager to play the blame game? Finger pointing does little good, and just pushes us further into the pit of negative energy that creates all the conflict we claim to be up in arms about. As a people, we've gotten insanely good at generalizing, and bandwagoning. The problem is, the instances these things occur are rarely surrounding anything good. It's almost as if the moments, and events that are worth celebrating are cast off without much fanfare; coming together to enjoy the positive energy doesn't seem to be a focus, or goal for enough of us.

Sometimes the only way to move forward, is to completely let go of the past. The longer we continue to feed the fires of hatred and segregation, the more episodes of violence we will endure. My wish is that one day soon, there will be more people who understand and celebrate that we are all different, than those who are focused on vilifying one another because of those differences.

That Was A Nightmare I'm Happy Isn't Reality

I'm not quite sure what happened to influence my slumber before I finally turned in last night, but I don't want to repeat it - EVER. I dreamt I was having an argument with my youngest son, and I was yelling in his face while he was backed against a kitchen sink. People were walking by, looking in the window, as I slapped him repeatedly in the face. Anyone who knows me understands that I don't do this. I'm still trying to shake the awful feeling this dream left me with.

When the boys were little, a swat on the hand or a smack on the butt happened occasionally, but not more than one. There was never a time that either of my sons has upset me to the point that I lost control and abused them. All I ever needed was to get their attention, so redirection could be effective. Once they were older, timeouts became the reset.

I have said and done things as a parent that I wish I hadn't, as well as fallen short on things I wish I had done. Having been a child who was physically abused, there was no way I was going to subject my children to the same, unnecessary exhibition of power. I want their respect and love, not their fear and distrust.

I remember a time or two when the boys were fighting and I had to break it up. Mama Bear instincts kicked in when the weaker of the two was being hurt, and I am sure the child who was flung to his bed found himself in a state of shock. I know I did. Protective instinct is something I have in mass amounts, but I was surprised when I pounced in those rare situations, and took sides. Even then, I didn't inflict harm.

We joke around in this house...poking, pinching, slapping, etc., but as far as my actions, I don't hit out of anger. Whatever that dream was triggered by, my conscious mind is grateful that it isn't my reality. I am relieved and thankful to know that, as a person, I have the presence of mind and being, particularly in those moments when I need it most. It IS possible to end the cycle of abuse, and while I've always been conscious of my choice to think first, it is an unbelievably great feeling to know the wrongs my life has known don't dictate the way I interact, and treat others.

I Wouldn't Do That...Of Course, It Isn't My Choice To Make

I had a moment today that I had to stop my thoughts about something, and really consider that I was holding someone to unfair expectations. It is far too easy to judge, or speculate how you might handle a situation, but the reality is that most of us have quite different circumstances impacting our choices. Allowing myself to believe that someone should approach something the way I would is just not right.

If you look at someone's life, at least the parts you are privy to, with objective, impartial eyes, it is likely they are making the best decisions possible for them at that time. Having the benefit of a different life experience, we can certainly make fairly good guesses as to the steps we would take, but that still doesn't mean that is what another person should, or even can do. The line between being unaffected and understanding is fine.

Any day that I am reminded that we are all different people, with different stories is a good day. There is also immense benefit in being able to acknowledge that whomever you're tempted to judge, is actually doing a good job, or is making the right choice for them and their path. It's best to concern ourselves with continuing to better our own decisions, and becoming a better version of ourself every day.

Life's Lessons

As a parent, I've tried to look for those teaching moments throughout both my sons' lives. The older they have become, the tougher it is to impart any advice, or nudge them in a better direction. The upside is, that if you keep at it, and alter your delivery style, they often become receptive - and messy arguments and attitudes are avoided.

The thing is, each of my sons (rightly so) are completely different individuals. That means they don't respond to what I'm trying to say in the same way; hence my delivery and word choice needs to be tailored to them. Add to that the challenge of not allowing myself to get frustrated, or bossy (as I am quite prone to doing), and I've got my parenting work cut out for me.

Of course, having the boys I have, it isn't the uphill climb it could be. They might resist, and block out what I'm trying to say to them at first, but they usually come around - and often fairly quickly. Time and again I can't help but stop to appreciate how fortunate I am. My success thus far is in large part to the willing responsiveness of my sons. I can't say that they make parenting easy, but I know it could be so much harder. I'll deal with a little challenging frustration now and again, if it means each of them will eventually listen, and be open to learning.

"Cause All I Think About Is Why The Skin I'm In Feels Ordinary..."

It never gets old, listening to music. Particularly when the effects are so absolutely incredible. I love music, but I especially love the kind that penetrates my skin, and consumes me entirely. The type that I can't turn off, and wish the intensity would just continue to multiply.

Sometimes, it's like a creative explosion is being triggered, and I can't get the words out fast enough, because I've let it sit dormant for too long. There are some artists - songs, that shake me into the realization that I have been lazy, and ignoring the craziness that makes me who I am. An absolute train wreck, who's brand of crazy isn't obvious, or understandable to everyone. People who live on the same frequency in life, well they get it right away. There is no possible way I could hide it from them; we are drawn to, and identify with our own brand of crazy.

Silversun Pickups...they bring out every ounce of the desire to let go and see what happens. It's impossible for me to hold still, and even more so to resist the urge to just let every word imaginable flow from my head to my fingers, and onto the screen. And at the same time, I can't find the best place to begin. One day, I will find myself in a place where the neighbors are far enough away that I can listen to every last song of theirs loud enough to dominate every other sensation, drink enough good scotch to just let every word out - just to see, to finally see all the craziness and stories I've kept closed up inside of me. That one day is coming soon.

Heavy Heart, Hopeful Mind

Tonight I finally stopped long enough to let the reality of the past week sink in. As a parent of a school-aged child, as an involved parent, and as a member of the human race, I am beside myself. When violence, or even the threat of violent acts becomes so common place that our children see it as either a means to an end, or a thrill ride, we as a people need to stop everything, and assess the world we live in.

My thoughts are set to rapid fire at this moment, and I feel so many things, so incredibly strongly that I have doubts I can write any of this to make sense to anyone else. Tears burn my eyes, but just won't spill over. When is enough going to finally be enough?

For certain, a number of schools in the area escaped any unimaginable, yet all too frequent nightmare this week. And while it's a relief, it is also a wake-up call. School violence, regardless of who perpetrates it, is possible ANYWHERE. How quiet, or small your community is really has little bearing on whether someone will suddenly decide to unleash their anger and hate within the buildings your children spend 7 to 8 hours a day, five days a week in. It doesn't matter how poverty stricken, or affluent your area is; mental illness is prevalent in EVERY demographic.

Much like those who find false security in that 'that kind of thing doesn't happen here' mentality, parents who are emotionally absent from their children's every day lives, are deluding themselves as to the reality a good number of us are consciously vigilant about. Blinders essentially grant PERMISSION to behave in unsafe, illegal, and destructive ways. We are most certainly responsible for our own actions, but accountability and boundary are dependent on us all to function as a cohesive society. It's basic checks and balances.

We can only get upset with children, even in their teen years, to a point, if our parenting was derelict in key areas. How do we expect them to be conscientious, if we don't first exhibit that kind of behavior? How will they ever truly learn right from wrong, if we don't first lead by example, and are not prepared to redirect, or institute consequence when they do things they have been taught not to do? How can we act dumbfounded when our child does something immensely wrong, with dire repercussions, if we left them on their own; detached from their lives?

I will never understand, never accept any parent's claim of 'not my child', or the act of bewilderment when that child acts in a manner that projects and causes pain and tragedy, and they were wholly disconnected from their son or daughter throughout their development as people. When you bring life into this world, it is your responsibility to not only provide for that child's needs, but to also nuture, support, love, and yes, discipline. It is a parent's DUTY to be invasive when their children become more independent; not in a vile way, but in a way that let's them know you are always tuned in and watching. A good, loving and involved parent will also have the capacity to acknowledge when something is 'off' with their child; they will take action, even if that means they risk seeming overprotective, or overbearing. We are, at times, counselors, educators, nurturers, and wardens.

Like it or not, parenthood means being able to wear many hats. We need to be prepared for everything; the good and the bad. What is even more important than being present and aware...and knowing you're able to do what you must at any given moment, is that your child knows you are capable and willing to do any and all of those things. You cannot give your child the world, allow them unlimited choices, without first teaching them how to choose wisely and act responsibly.

What is my take away, positive, silver lining today? That I, as a parent, realize all of these things and more. That I have been involved, persistent, exhaustingly alert to both of my sons, and still managed to have fun with them. They see me as an embarrassment or nuisance at times, but they also see me as someone they can count on, and lean on when they need someone to talk to. When they are in an 'off' mood, I recognize it from their facial expressions, their postures, or even the way they walk. My life is so intensely linked to them, that even when I don't know exactly what their hours away from me have entailed, just the tone of their voice tells me if I should dig further for information. I am far from perfect, I have made numerous parenting blunders, but the one thing I have gotten right - the one thing I continue to get better at, is staying involved and following my instinct when it comes to my sons.

**As parents we cannot expect the educational system to do it all. We cannot send our children off to school, and think we are not still responsible for what happens during those hours. If we expect anything to change in our communities - in our schools, we need to start parenting our children responsibly, in the way they need and deserve, and we need to be prepared and able to get involved with the schools our children attend. We need to work together, and provide a united support system. Be the parent your child deserves, and the partner our schools need to educate, and succeed.

'Tis The Season...Yeah, I'm Over It Already

Well, what is left of our artificial tree made it through the past 24 hours. Now, if it just makes it through another 8 days. Next year, we may just try a real tree, and I'm going to research specific firs that our furball doesn't want anything to do with. I hope.

I've become less and less interested in the whole Christmas thing, and having my tree nearly annihilated just makes it even more difficult to get into. At the moment, it hardly feels like the holiday season, except for all the annoying commercialism. I don't know, maybe it's just my frame of mind that has kept me from being able to really get into the season.

In less than two weeks the craziness of this time of year will have passed, and there will finally be a reprieve from the onslaught of greed and distractions disguised as needs. Until then, I will continue to enjoy the near ignorance I have to the nonsense. I'm far more content getting consumed in my own life. Far more meaningful, with benefits that outlast a few weeks.

Some People...

I am so thankful for the 'mute' button on my phone...particularly on conference calls where I am frustrated by other participants and their lack of focus. It is definitely not easy to maintain composure, when faced with the slow, and lackluster work ethic of those who surround us. Luckily, there are appropriate moments when we can just excise those negative feelings, and free ourselves from the things we cannot control.

While I cannot hold everyone to my work standards, I'm sure there are those who live above and beyond me in terms of their drive and dedication, who might view me in much the same way. There's an odd sort of rightness in that strange imbalance. I can see those who frustrate me, knowing I will continue to do what I need to avoid ever becoming like them; and then those who astound me, just help me hold myself accountable for where I am at in life, not to mention set the examples for where and who I want to be.

Everything we encounter in life has some sort of purpose; everyone, a specific role. We cannot expect to pass our days solely in the company of those who are most like us. Variety is the basis for change, and evolving is really what we as humans were designed for. It doesn't matter what those steps of progress end up being; in the end, we all drive the evolution of our species. Who made the biggest strides, and who slacked off the most ... in the big picture, the differences aren't as important as the collective momentum.

So, I can certainly exercise my irritation, and vent so that I can move on, but it is wise to also remember that every person serves a purpose. My lack of patience, or understanding has everything to do with me, and how I react to those around me. At the end of the day, the corporate machine is still churning away, and I have the choice to push forward, letting my anger go, or I can let it consume me, and mire me in the spot I am; stunting my own progress and growth. Without a doubt, I'm going to feel the frustrations, vent, and let it go, because while I may not know exactly why I'm here, I do know that my life is at its best when I'm moving forward.

Who Says Mondays Have To Be Awful?

A good day can happen anytime, in anyway, all that is required are the ability to recognize it, and the capacity to appreciate it. Even a Monday can be a great day. It does help if that Monday begins with a great workout, followed by brunch with a fabulous friend that includes Bloody Marys!

There is something about a good catch-up session that sets the tone for hours of smiles. Given that I have some of the most incredible friends, such sessions are a regular occurrence; which means lots of hours worth of smiles. These amazing souls provide me with inspiration to continue being me, and the courage to keep reaching for the life I want. There isn't anything in life that beats that.

If I had my way - wait, I actually can have my way...I'd start every week with a good dose of this kind of awesome. Hmm, clearly that is well within the possibilities, so I plan to exercise that particular luxury. There is really no justifiable reason to not make the best use of this gift, except of course that a person would rather stay stuck in misery and negativity. Seems rather silly to me. Cheers to good friends and the fabulous effects they have on our lives.

I Have Never Seen The Point In Keeping Up With The Joneses

I'm happy most people around me seem to enjoy Christmas. I, however, couldn't care less about the holiday season. My sons are grown, sure, but my lack of enthusiasm began long before they had lost the twinkle in their eyes over the wonder of it all.

Commercialism is ridiculous in general, but during a time of year when togetherness and deeper meaning are suppose to reign supreme, I find it is more often than not a competition of got-to-haves and look-what-I-boughts. Frankly, given the state of the world around us, it's rather gross that, as a society, materialism and possessions are still of such immense importance. Imagine if everyone took half of the money they spend on toys that will be broken or lost within weeks, jewelry and tools that inevitably collect dust all too soon, and needless items that wouldn't be missed if they hadn't been all the rage, and put it toward something meaningful for someone they don't know.

It is painfully obvious to me, that overall, the world would be a more hospitable place if more people went out of their way for others, just because it was a nice thing to do. No expectations tied to actions, just people allowing the giving and positive part of themselves to drive for awhile. It isn't about keeping score; there's no tit for tat when it comes to paying it forward. You do because you want to, not to 'put good karma out there', and not because you might get something in return. Do something for someone because you want to; because it feels good to do good, and that's all.

The more of us who do this, the sooner we can connect with happy times. When you put all those silly, self-defeating thoughts of why you don't have what so-and-so has, why you haven't been on as many vacations as that guy from work, or when your luck is going to change aside ... guess what? You make room for immense positive energy. While it may not take the form of things you thought you wanted, you will likely be surprised that you hadn't thought to seek it all before.

There is a balance; no one should just give up everything for the sake of others. Just think of one or two things you really want, and then make the conscious decision to do something for someone else instead. Pass up on that new tech-y device, or whatever thing you think you have to have right now. More often than not, the things we covet don't disappear because we didn't jump on the opportunity the moment it presented itself. When we make the conscious effort to appreciate what we already have, we choose more wisely, and the value we saw seems to last a lot longer. Isn't it all just stuff  in the end, anyway?

On A Roll...Finally

Tomorrow may be a day off from work, and my one rest day in this workout routine, but I've got projects lined up around the house that I just can't put off any longer. There's that stuff, and the usual daily irritation of having to reassemble the look of our Christmas tree after Oliver's nightly free-for-all while we're sleeping. This kitten is keeping me on my toes.

The benefits of having moved to a condo half the square footage of our last apartment, for the most part, outweigh the drawbacks. Sure, it's literally HALF the space we were accustomed to, but that means less time is spent cleaning. That alone makes this place a win for me.

Aside from cutting my housekeeping commitment significantly, I have come to understand that less is more. We simplified our material/belonging collections, and nearly everything I consider buying now really needs to have multifaceted use. Storage and organization challenges are presenting me with the opportunity to think out of the box...literally. I've always needed a bit of work in regards to staying on top of organizing and tidying, and with moving to a larger place being out of the question (both boys absolutely refuse to move again while they are in school), a complete overhaul of our living space is in order.

In addition to having a sort of lackadaisical attitude toward maintaining a living environment that has an even flow to it, I tend to procrastinate. If I don't find what I want in terms of furniture, accents, and decor items, I forget to step back and approach whatever project I'm contemplating from a different angle. This week I decided that I was going about one particular project with far too much rigidity. And wouldn't you know, the moment I opened my mind to other possibilities, a surprisingly suitable solution presented itself. Not wasting time, I went out and purchased the supplies I needed, came home and prepped the area, so that I can dive in tomorrow.

Breaking free from habitual approaches has allowed me to make amazing progress in my surroundings. We've lived here a year now, and I've finally started doing the things I have been wanting to do since we moved in. All because I finally stopped trying to make changes without changing my outlook and approach. I rather prefer being open to possibilities; so much more can be gained by taking the blinders off.

Knowing Happiness Is Being Open To Sadness

I doubt if someone had told me that being happy didn't mean you never have moments when you felt remiss about your life, I'd have believed them. I mean, isn't the whole point of happy to not feel bummed about things? It is completely possible, and oddly vital to a happy existence to recognize that sometimes things just suck.

It isn't that they suck because you're only seeing the negative; it's a little deeper than that. We all have the tendency (at least at some point in our lives) to formulate an idea (fantasy) as to how our life will play out. Not blow by blow, step by step, but more that there are milestones and expectations associated with a timeline that we foolishly allow ourselves to adopt. Somewhere along the way, those ideas never manifest, or at least not in the way we imagined they would, and we are left to deal with the crappy feelings about it.

My life is, in some ways, more than I ever anticipated. I couldn't have planned for most of what I've experienced to have actually happened, and it's exactly the reason I love where I am. The funny thing is that despite knowing that, there are still moments when I remember something I might have expected would have taken shape or manifested itself by now. The moment I realize it didn't, I have to deal with the letdown.

It isn't as though I am regretful of where I am, but letting go of the things we create...the things we imagined we'd feel, see, do and achieve, well, that isn't always easy. Knowing I have a good life, and even appreciating it, doesn't mean I won't and don't mourn the death of ideals and dreams I once held close to get me to this point today. The things I imagined, they kept me moving forward; I just didn't take the time to see that they weren't actually what I was moving towards. There was no way to accept that some of the ideas I had were really just to placate my mind while my soul reached for something else entirely.

Still, even being able to see this now, I can't help but shed a tear or two, for those dreams that I kept close. Those moments, places and people not yet known that I wished for; kept under wing, never wanting to believe they weren't really ever going to be part of my life beyond what they were. Being happy doesn't mean you don't experience disappointment. I am happy; I still mourn the things that aren't part of my life as I once imagined they might be.

Just A Word Or Two...

So what if the highlights of my day were finally understanding something is actually not working at work (yay, it isn't me being numb!), and scoring my second Duchess rating on Yelp. I'm relatively easy to please. No, really, I am.

I decided that two days of being a shut in because I felt like ass was plenty long enough. Doesn't matter if I feel 100% yet or not, there is life out there to be lived, and I am not taking a backseat one more day. Sure, I might feel a little worse than I do right now when I wake up in the morning, but I don't care...not even a little. I can sleep long and peaceful when I die.

Apparently, Oliver the kitty feels similarly. Riley and I came home from dinner at Dogfish, to ornaments strewn about the floor, and ribbon sagging down one side of the tree. Clearly, someone had a hand...paw in this mess. I scolded him, and now he's lying in a purrfectly adorable ball under the colorful glow of lights. I don't want him wrecking the decorations, but I didn't expect anything different ;)

Live life while you are able. There are no guarantees, and every day, no matter how shitty you may feel, is a gift. Opportunities are meant to be taken, not watched as they pass by. Get out there and own your world!

Feeling Good, Even When You Feel Like Shit

I can be quite a whiny pain when I'm ill. A simple headache, head cold, or exhaustion, and I'm fine. Full on aches, pains, and overwhelming blanket of ick, and I'm not all too pleasant.

Far too stubborn to give in and rest, I typically push through the day as I would healthy. The exception, however, is that I complain a little too often. No one wants to be sick, so I suppose I'm not altogether different from most people.

Here's the thing; now that I work from home, there really are no such thing as sick days. I mean, it was incredibly rare for me to call out of work before this job, but now I can't see allowing myself that option. I work at my own pace, but I've found that I get a lot done - even feeling awful. Of course, it is beyond rare that I get sick enough to be bedridden, so a headache, nausea, or an obscene number of visits to the loo hardly seem like roadblocks.

The past two days I've been home sick, and I was pleasantly surprised at how much work I managed to get done. Sometimes having to focus intently on something other than how crappy I feel, actually cuts down on the whining. Not to mention I don't feel irritable about taking time off and coming back to twice the work just as I'm feeling better.

I really don't like being sick, but when I can still manage a full workload, it doesn't seem like such a big thing. I almost feel better just knowing I'm ahead of where I thought I would be yesterday. Achieving something isn't any less gratifying when you're nauseous. Imagine that.

No Fat Lady Is Singing Anytime Soon

I'm not yet who I am suppose to be. Close, but there are things I haven't done, people I haven't met yet. Without those things, I can't possibly be all that I am capable of being.

If I am to be completely honest, I don't know that I ever want to be 100% the person I was meant to be. There would be nothing to work towards, no new lessons, the circle would be complete. I'm not ready for that; not ready for the end.

Knowing that there are many things I have yet to do, and many souls I have left to encounter, it's tough to pace myself, and stay in the here and now. When you realize how much there is to do and see, containing the excitement is a challenge all on its own.

When I look back, I see how far I've traveled. The road has been paved with more emotion than I might have imagined, but so much that I am thankful for. While I cannot see what is ahead, the journey so far has convinced me that new days are full of more potential, the rest of my time here is full of so much possibility. How I choose to live those moments, well that is what will make me who I am, and lead me to the people who will shape the rest of my life.

Bring on tomorrow; bring on the rest of my life.

Speak, Even When What You Have To Say Isn't What The Other Person Wants To Hear

It doesn't seem to matter how much time goes by, there are some things that I have yet to let go. To be more specific, negative emotions surrounding past hurts and disappointments. I suppose that short of finally setting myself free from them, not allowing them to take up as much space and time as they once did is a step in the right direction.

These moments, when I find my conscious mind recalls situations I'd sooner leave behind, aren't nearly as often as they were, but they still pack a fair amount of pang, sadness, and anger. Sometimes I think trying to rise above the negative energy isn't the best way to manage it; deal with it. A large part of these instances are due to never having had proper closure, and because I stayed all too quiet when I should have exercised my gift with words. Being able to look someone in the face and say exactly how I feel...well, I've always allowed my concern for causing pain dictate, and most of the time, I swallow it. Keep that shit bottled up, walk away, and take ownership of crap that I shouldn't.

There was a time when I hardly bit my tongue; I'd spit venom without a second thought about the effects of my words. It seems like a lifetime ago, and really it was. Maybe my recollections are flawed - I mean, aren't they all, as a rule? I wasn't as awful...couldn't have been as bad as I sometimes remember. How could I go from callous to martyr-like? No, I wasn't always tactful, sometimes too direct, but I don't honestly believe that I was intentionally hurtful. I think really, I just grew up, and learned how to exercise a bit more self-control and decorum in communicating with others.

If my memories of how I was, or behaved can be skewed, then wouldn't it make sense that these past negative experiences might have taken on more weight than they ever should have? I suppose it is possible that in never giving my own feelings about things a voice, I have a stronger hold on things that, when they were a part of my present, didn't really produce the depth of connection this continued disappointment suggests.

It is better to give your emotions, negative or otherwise, the freedom to be expressed when situations present the opportunity. When we loosen the grip around those negative thoughts and emotions, we allow the positive in to heal. It may seem like a protective action to close in on ourselves when we've been stung, but the sooner the pain is felt, the sooner and more effectively we can repair and heal. Seems I have much more to learn.

Don't Say THAT Word!

Word hangups. Many of us have them. I abhor the word ...ugh... moist. Even writing it makes me cringe. I don't know why, I just hate it. It grosses me out, causing me to contort my face in disgust.

I overheard my youngest son telling a friend he hates the word suckle. Eh, it definitely is an odd word. I get it thought, hating the sound of a particular word. Like nails on a chalkboard for some people, the wrong words (or the right ones, depending on how you look at it) can change the entire tone of a conversation.

Over the years, those who know me well enough to be aware of my aversion to the m-word (as well as cunt, dink, slacks, and diarrhea), either thoughtfully avoid using it, or torture me by repeatedly peppering it into whatever we are talking about. No matter how far I've come with reducing my negative reactions to things, I fail miserably when that word is uttered. It is just so nasty sounding to me.

What I do think is great about this issue, in general, is we are often pressed to expand our vocabulary as a result of refusing to use the word we detest. While there might not be many other words that convey the exact idea/picture that loathsome option, there are more than enough that will suffice. If we can take something negative, like word aversion, and turn it into something positive, like a broader vocabulary, then that's all that really matters.

I happened to search 'word aversions' and this piece came up. I'd have to agree with the ick-factor of most of the words mentioned. I don't know why I don't like these words, or why they make me cringe, but clearly I am not alone. So, if having contempt for these words leads to having a more varied vocabulary, and being in good company, I'll live with the cringing.


http://www.slate.com/articles/life/the_good_word/2013/04/word_aversion_hate_moist_slacks_crevice_why_do_people_hate_words.html

I Like My View Of The World

Having a direction in life, particularly from week to week, is far better than spinning your wheels. Along with experience, I gain knowledge, and as long as I"m learning, it's a great existence. The wonderful thing for me is that I'm rarely without direction, because my sons keep me going in the rare event that my own life grows stagnant.

Purpose is literally the fuel to move forward. It gives us the momentum to get through the good and bad. We are far more likely to try things, if we know the feeling of purpose.

I can't imagine I might have done much of what I have, if I hadn't understood the point of purpose. If I hadn't realized that the energy that comes from being productive and focused is worth more than moping around, being lazy, or entitled, I'd be stuck in some negative hell. Bully for me, I didn't ignore the life around me, and I learned how to work for the things I find have value.

A Tree, Some Fishing Line, and A Kitten

In order to anchor the tree to the wall, we had to rearrange the living room this year. Having a kitten is wrought with possible catastrophes (pun-intended) I hadn't considered in all my years of having cats. I tend to get fairly habitual about many of our traditions, particularly in the execution of things, so it's good to change it up a little from time to time.

Thus far, Oliver has avoided the tree. Granted, we haven't adorn it with baubles, ribbon, and tempting ornaments waiting to be batted at by little paws. The promising thing at the moment, is that he seems rather disinterested in this decorative addition. I think I will enjoy the first night with our tree still standing, even without all the festive ... and I spoke too soon. He is checking it all out as I type ... and he's over it. I whole heartedly believe in the effectiveness of Feliway spray and infusers.

I do hope we get the opportunity to capture him sleeping under the tree at some point this holiday season. One of our favorite things about this time of year was when our late cat, Simsim would curl up beneath the branches and sleep, seemingly more content than ever before. Far from wanting him to replace the fur baby we lost, I'm hoping he shows us something about this time of year that we've missed until he arrived.

Unexpected Moments, How Do You Deal With Them?

When things don't go as planned it can be aggravating; depending on the situation. Being able to step back and find the opportunities to make something good out of the unexpected is all that stands between maintaining a positive energy, and succumbing to negativity. I've worked too hard on filling my life with positive things to let mishaps ruin it all.

This doesn't mean that I've reached the point of being to instantaneously push negative reactions to unforeseen, or undesired results aside. No, I'm still working on that. Given that a life time of reacting to the world around me has led to where I am today, it isn't likely I'll ever fully reach the point of being unaffected. I can't say I ever want to; what would I gain if there are no lessons to be learned?

What matters right now, is that my reaction redirection is far more quick than it use to be. I might feel the disappointment or anger spark, but I rob it of oxygen the moment I recognize what is happening. The moment I stop doing that, well, that's when I've lost all ground.

Most days pass without any real upsets, and on those occasions when things get messed up, I know I'm getting a workout on my ability to stay balanced. Emotional and intellectual equilibrium are must-haves, so honing all the ways to maintain them is crucial to staying happy. Today, I'm feeling the burn. What a workout! 

I'm Sorry (Not Sorry), But You're Negative Vibe Is Negating A Better Outcome

Stuck in traffic. Blue lights ahead. A variety of scenarios run through my head; an accident, a fire, a larger than usual art walk? Then the reality is revealed. Protestors. I feel myself immediately flooding with irritation.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am all about standing up for what you believe in. I get the whole 'strength in numbers' thing. What I don't get - cannot tolerate, is marching up and down busy streets, interrupting the flow of traffic. Especially when there is little regard for space and personal property.

Tonight, I headed in to town to join a friend for a drink - while waiting on my youngest, who was with friends at the art walk, and was welcomed by a throng of chanting protestors causing widespread frustration amongst drivers on the road. There was, as far as I am aware, no violence, but I would not classify the protest as a peaceful one. When you become an obstruction to traffic, a nuisance to public safety, and interrupt honest people trying to make a living, your activity cannot be considered peaceful. Traffic was pushed to the sidewalk, and yet this crowd of chanting people continued to push further against us, dragging their banners over our cars. I am thankful for retractable mirrors, as there were are number of individuals who proceeded to walk into mine.

I've heard the young and the far leaning left describe this action as 'getting involved', 'standing up for what's right', and 'effecting change', but sadly anyone who believes these things to be true is deluding themselves. To get involved, stand up for what's right, and to effectuate change requires more than bandwagon hopping, chanting and sign carrying. If you believe change is needed, then GET INVOLVED by doing something PRODUCTIVE. Join with others in a show of solidarity and strength to pass legislation, or form citizen initiatives. This passive-aggressive bullshit of protesting gets nothing done, and actually DETRACTS from what the real issues are.

There is an effective way to interrupt the daily lives of others that insights awareness and change. Protesting is NOT it. That is the most lazy excuse for involvement, it doesn't work, and is a repellent to causes that often are legitimate and deserve our full attention. Protesting is not getting involved, it is not being part of a wave of change, it is essentially a mass temper tantrum of people who can't commit to being part of real change.

I make no bones about my opinion on this; I believe that, outside of labor strikes (which are far different and actually DO affect positive change), protesting (in general and by today's standards) serves little purpose, and creates a swarm of negative energy that pushes any cause further from improvement, or resolution. Involvement takes effort and dedication, and doesn't operate under a mob-mentality. Organized protests in the form of boycotts, strikes, and silence are completely separate from the mass gatherings of people who are outraged (whether rightly so or not).

Outside of my own frustration, I felt a deepening sense of concern for my son, once it became clear that I would not be able to get anywhere close to where he would be for much of the night. I am grateful that he and his friends stayed clear of the demonstrations, and even more so that we live in an age where he is just a phone call away. By no means did this experience become frightening, just stressful and highly inconvenient. There was a definite amount of unsafe choice on the part of these demonstrators, but I believe our community to be far enough removed from the core of anger to have avoided any substantial, civil unrest. I eventually managed to connect with my son, and we are both home, quite safe and sound.

The light in all of this, the one good thing to come of these protests is the spark of discussion between my sons and I. I would hope that there are more people who use the opportunity to have intelligent and thoughtful conversations with their friends and family, but I hope for even more. That the negativity that these societal issues spark, that these protests feed, engage more of us in actually taking the time to think constructively about what needs to change, and then enables us to formulate a REAL plan of action that does not negate and go against all the innocent people caught in the crosshairs.

You do not affect change by hurting your brothers and sisters. Your neighbors, the people who are living in the same communities as you, we are all affected by these tragedies. When we take action, when we get involved, we should always consider how our involvement affects those neighbors and fellow citizens. The strength in numbers can only truly work if we are protecting and caring for that community, instead of wreaking havoc and hurting each other.

No cause for change should start with an act of negativity. It is possible to feel outrage and turn it into productive redesigning for a better tomorrow. Negative energy does not create positive change. The choice to BE and ACT positive DESPITE negative circumstance is what leads to positive change. It is time people start recognizing that, and changing how they approach the push for better.

What A Week!

What a week! Crazy weather, birthdays, and a whole lot of emotions. This time of year is always jam-packed, and never, ever boring.

While my own birthday did not make me feel any older, the reality that my first child is turning 19 definitely does. I can't fully remember what I felt like as a person, before I became a mother, but I really have no desire to know a life without him either. Who I am today would not be possible had I not been blessed with the responsibility and joy of raising this boy.

I remember my own mother having moments of tears as she faced the reality that her girls were growing up quite vividly. My response was a rolling of the eyes, and an exasperated lack of understanding as to what 'the big deal' was. Oh how I now know exactly what the big deal is!

There are times when the reaffirmations in life are far more obvious than others. I am grateful for these moments, because they emphasize the wonder and meaning that make my life so amazing. This isn't getting older, it's getting better!

Whoopee, I'm 43

So that's it. In just under two hours I will officially be 43 years old. I feel, as I do every year, absolutely no different.

Thanks to the weather (and my complete lack of preplanning any celebration), it's been a rather dull day. As this day goes, however, it has been markedly better than years past. I got to spend the day with both my sons, since school was cancelled. They even cleaned the house (sort of)!

No fan fare, no fuss. Of course this is how I prefer things. I can be loud, and I'm outgoing, but the center of attention is a position I find much discomfort in occupying. Most people see their birthdays as exciting, but for me it's really just another day. Sure it marks the day I came into this world, which in and of itself is amazing - I mean life is extraordinary that way. I guess I just choose to celebrate who I am, in my own ways, whenever I choose; not just on the day I was born.

It is no secret, to those who know me well, that I have long been at odds with the tradition of birthdays when it comes to my own. I've been fortunate to have people thrust celebratory events upon me over the course of the last 10+ decades; otherwise the day would quietly pass by without much notice from me. I don't want for material things, and this time of year really does put a damper on going out to mark the occasion. I imagine, had I been born in warmer weathered months, I might opt to venture out, find some way to combine celebrating and enjoying nature. Alas, I'm a December child.

I'm warm, inside my home with my two sons, finally done with work for the day. Not half bad, not half bad at all. Ah, a glass of wine...yes, that's the cherry on top of today.

Familiar Isn't Always Better

It's easier to hold on to negativity, at least it only seems easier than reaching out for the positive. So much of the reason for that is that we already know the negative; we are familiar with the emotions and step-by-step process of the doom and gloom of most any situation. There is far more certainty in the negative, which is why many people cannot seem to let it go.

When we face something we are unfamiliar with, the fear of not knowing what will happen can thrust us back into that negative place. And all simply because it's what we know. It's the same with being in a crappy state of mind. The momentum of negativity has us so stuck, that making any moves toward the positive can feel like trying to sit up while on the Gravitron; difficult and even disorienting.

No matter how far happier times might seem, or how much effort it might take to move from under the gray cloud, or out of the unpleasant spot you find yourself in, the benefits always outweigh any work you may put in. One of the most important reasons to surround yourself with positive people is when those tough times present themselves, you have a buffer, not to mention additional motivators to seek the silver lining.

The strength and ground we gain from just one positive thought is incredible. If we just keep going, just continue allowing the possibilities of good in, we can put serious distance between ourselves and that black cloud. The unknown has more possibilities than the familiar has options. Embrace the unseen and think positive thoughts; lean on the people who hold you up. It is a far better way to live.

Sometimes A Day Is Just A Day

Low key days are good for a number of reasons. The lack of activity allows us to recharge ourselves, and the way that most of us run around these days, this is something we can all use. It gives much needed comparison to great days, stressful days, sad days, and busy days, so that we never lose sight of how they all differ. But most of all, at least in my opinion, low key days give us an opportunity to search deep within ourselves to find something to be grateful for.

When happy moments, or things worth celebrating aren't overflowing around us, we should make the most of being able to exercise focus, and finding a way to appreciate things that often go unseen. It might be tempting to chalk an uneventful day up to one that is lackluster, but that would just be giving into negative energy. And that just defeats the whole point of finding the happy in the most ordinary and simple things.

It may not have been the best day, but without days like this, I doubt I'd get the full effect of those amazing days. I found moments to ponder, to smile about, and to be thankful for. Best of all, the day is nearing its end and I have no complaints worth taking up space that is better filled with positive energy.