Cyber Toxicity Is All Too Real

There are many reasons I love social media and technology. They make staying in touch with people nearly effortless, there is a wealth of information and entertainment at our fingertips, and the possibilities for creativity are nearly endless. That said, there are unfortunate aspects to both that make it challenging for some of us to completely enjoy our forays into the cyber world.

Without a doubt, the experience with such advanced information and communicative avenues has both an up and a downside. For all the great experiences there are equally maddening ones. And the extent to which the less desirable aspects showcase the disgusting side of humanity is something I have a difficult time with. I find it tough to skim over the bullying, childish, laundry-airing bullshit without feeling the irritation well up. The broad judgements that some armchair judge and jury post, almost always without knowing the facts is astounding. The ugliness of people clings to most every social media outlet and is likely the reason for the level of dysfunction in human interaction these days.

We cast our opinions out on the interwebs, safely guarded behind computer, tablet and phone screens, oblivious to the extent of damage our words have caused others. This kind of 'socialising' is riddled with ignorance and short-sighted thinking, as well as a glaring indicator of the unprecedented growth of narcissism.  This population of social media users has taken the bigotry, hatred, racism and baseless platitudes they've long spouted out of the limited exposure their physical environment provided and are transmitting it to an endless audience, magnifying the repercussions of their words beyond measure.

It is wholly wrong to wield words of harmful intent in this manner, just as it is considered to be in everyday conversation and interaction of the physical world. The fact that it is done without accountability and amasses power in numbers through the increasing volume of snap-judgements and ignorant, venom-spewing is deplorable. How do we even begin to eradicate our lives of this toxicity when there are no real avenues of acceptable online behaviour?

Anyone's opinions, regardless of validity, can and are touted as fact somewhere down the line. The process of thinking before we speak (or in this case type/post) has all but disappeared. The fodder of fools is so plentiful and fuels the fear and anger of those who can't be bothered to stop and sort out the bullshit from the truth. Casting blanket accusations against people we have never met, based on stories we barely read two lines from, asserting our proclamations of what we would have done, all while having no first-hand experience or knowledge of the situation or those involved. Yes, we should be ashamed of our actions.

To parade opinion as fact, loose observations as experience, and spin vicious attacks with the stroke of a key is irresponsible, immature, ignorant and downright inexcusable. The internet has allowed the worst kinds of bandwagoning to occur and all because near-free reign was given to anyone with access to cyberspace. The possibility of this destructive course being brought back around to a more positive path is sadly unlikely thanks to the number of limited minds and closed off souls pecking away at their keyboards every second of every day.

In an effort to maintain my own sanity, as well as hold myself accountable for my choices and actions in this sphere I choose to bring attention to the good, the positive and the uplifting. I refrain from being a source of fuel to ignorance and stand against hatred. I will not weigh my opinions in public on matters I have no real knowledge of and I do my best to avoid being a link in the cyber-bullying chain. We are individuals experiencing our lives as only we can and to allow ourselves to assume how we would live moments in someone else's life is foolhardy at best. While it is helpful to have a general consensus on acceptable behaviours, there are too many exceptions to hold those guidelines up as absolutes and the basis for our negative actions.

In my opinion, there needs to be a surge of thoughtful consideration and refrain from knee-jerk posting in order to begin quelling the spread of stupidity and outright hate. It starts with pausing long enough to see all sides, or at the very least realize there isn't nearly enough information to make a sound statement. Pull your fingers off your keyboards and resist the urge to inject your brand of stupid for once. When all else fails, remember "If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all".

It's Not Always Easy

There is rarely progress without the occasional hiccup. Whether it's a change I'm trying to implement or steady climb toward some goal, it isn't likely I'll come out on the other side of either without having put in some real effort and problem solving. Things come up and throw us off course (or at least threaten to) and we can let them derail us, or we can learn to adapt and right our path.

This blog has kept me actively seeking the best options in life when certain situations present their challenge. By writing every day (ok, occasionally I miss one and double up the next day) I am able to reflect in a proactive manner, separating myself from whatever negative feelings of frustration, sadness, anger or fear might be threatening to consume me. More often than not, I leave whatever traces of these things that might be nagging me behind as I type out the thoughts that stream through my head.

Some days I'm able to express the focus of my day in a detailed post, while on others I barely manage to eek out complete thoughts that span three paragraphs. Tonight, it's the latter. Either I can't find the energy and drive, or I can't string together the right combination of words to make sense of what's on my mind. I am never a fan of the days that I struggle with words.

Every so often, though, I just don't want to part with the contents of my mind. That means abstaining or greatly censoring whatever I'm attempting to say. This might come across as evasive, lazy, cryptic or just plain rude. When my writing fails to convey what I hoped for, it isn't easy to just leave it and move on. There's always tomorrow and reminding myself of that can mean the difference between lamenting over less than stellar effort and making room for a little more light and inspiration for the days to come. I suppose that is sometimes enough to find the silver lining in moments of murky mindedness.

I Finally Got Tired Of Feeling Like Shit

The week's cooking is done and the dishes are cleaned and put away. It was never my goal to prep cook on Sundays, but as I am currently following a restrictive nutrition plan for gut health, it is not only necessary, it helps ensure that I won't easily stray, and eat foods that my digestion isn't ready for just yet. As much as I didn't enjoy spending half the day in the kitchen, I've become used to it and have managed to cut my time down to about three hours — that is not only doable, it's an accomplishment I won't soon dismiss.

I've found that the commitment and determination that I have for working out has been beneficial in this exploration of food for healing. My digestive system has suffered for a number of years due to the over indulgence of foods that were just too rough on my gut. As a result, I've gone from being diagnosed with an onion allergy to gluten sensitivity and eventually, GERD and IBS. Far too many problems that all trace back to one common answer: specific carbohydrates. Carbs, particularly simple or processed carbs, aggravate acid reflux, indigestion, gas, bloating and even constipation. I'll be frank here, none of these is desirable and they all plagued me far more frequently than they should have or than I would have liked. When you're bloated, gassy or uncomfortable from less frequent trips to the loo followed by far too many, socializing — hell, just existing is not enjoyable.

I weighed the inconvenience and pain, considering how long I could tolerate living with each and came to realize that feeling good was something I no longer wanted to compromise on. Of course, identifying the offending foods and giving my body a break from the ill-effects I'd been subjecting it to for much too long hasn't been easy. This approach to nutrition as treatment for these ailments has tested my will and sticktoitiveness. I mean, it's nearly summertime and having to refrain from consuming many of my favorite foods at parties, cookouts or even dining out is something I am less than enthused about. It's been all I can do to avoid the cupcakes, cookies, chips and trail mix we keep in the house. Carrying food with me, food that has been specifically prepared for optimal digestion, has taken getting used to. Why would I continue this plan given the sacrifice and inconvenience? For the first time in a long while, I feel good. I mean, really feel good. There's no having to consider if I can leave the house and the vicinity of the bathroom, I feel energized and ready to do whatever happens to come up because I'm not weighted down with bloat or indigestion. As much as I didn't want to admit it, feeling good is worth the price of a limited diet.

Whether I manage to stick to this plan for the long term, or I modify it where I feel I can, remains to be seen. For the time being I will continue to add foods back in one at a time and assess how I react to them in an effort to find the things that cause me issue. Knowing that will certainly make living a normal life and eating without apprehension of consequence far more possible. For the moment, that is all I need to know to stay on track and dedicated to treating my body better — on the inside.

Purpose And Meaning

Any day that is a productive one is a day worth appreciating. I may not get everything on my mental list checked off, but if I've managed to tackle a majority of the items, it's a win. It's far easier to think positive thoughts about life, in general when you feel the purpose that being productive brings out.

Even during those all too fleeting moments that pass by us in a heartbeat, it is possible to embrace the depth and meaning of your existence. There need not be a big event for this appreciation to take hold. Life is made up of many seconds, minutes, hours and more that range from monumental to simple, each with the power to bring us joy and a sense of accomplishment.

My hope is that I continue to find the wonder and extraordinary in the most ordinary, each and every day. Knowing the measure of all experiences is exactly why I get up every day and live life with purpose. I don't need to know the reason I am here; what my life is for — I find examples of those things along the way, and I believe they are culminating to carry more importance and weight than just one reason. I can't think of a better way to live life.

Listen, Because Everyone Wants To Be Heard

Attention. That I extendListening is the most essential thing we can do when interacting with one another. Far too often we are jumping ahead and drawing conclusions in our heads instead of just listening to what the other person is saying. There's little question why so many people experience miscommunication in relationships.

Whether you're family, friends or just met, listening can be invaluable, as having clarity means there will eventually be understanding. Without open channels for both expressing and listening, we are only half invested. We miss cues, important information and risk causing unnecessary turbulence in our lives by failing to listen well.

It's the same for the workplace. If people neglect to stay active in their listening, what gets misconstrued can cause discord and lead to stress, not to mention resentful feelings. When I try to communicate with co-workers and higher upswing, I expect that I will at least be granted the same level of focus and attention that I extend when I need to listen. 

However irritating I may find it when I am not heard clearly, or it becomes obvious nothing I said was heard, it won't affect my continued effort to listen well. I much prefer good working relationships, much like I enjoy socially, long term and romantically. And listening is the first, best practice to ensure those things happen.

I'm Late, But Then Again That's Expected

I may frequently be a day late and a dollar short, but I usually enjoy whatever I'm doing anyway. As far as I am aware, there will be no prize at the end of life because I showed up on time. I think I prefer the idea that I will be late to my own funeral. Got to pack in as much fun and meaning as I can and that shit will make anyone late. Besides, who in their right mind is so ready to leave this world that they get to their death punctually? Fuck that!

There aren't many days that I'm not trying to get one last thing done before I leave to go somewhere. Inevitably, that makes me late. Honestly, unless it's a job interview, my child or some other relatively time-sensitive event, I have no qualms running late. It isn't a lack of respect, it's more like ambition overload. I always try to challenge how much I can do before I have to be somewhere; despite knowing the resulting consequence of showing up after most everyone else has arrived.

It isn't as though I'm always lagging behind when I should be headed out the door. I have made a much more concerted effort to surprise those who know me well by arriving when I said I would - on rare occasions I'm even early. Of course, the thing about those of us who are known for being chronically late is, we can't really let people think we've officially turned over a new leaf and have changed our ill-timed ways. I will likely always be late more often than I am on time. And I'm completely fine with that. If you're consistent at something, why change it?

There's Always A Point To It All

I've always been relatively resourceful. Since becoming a mother it has become an essential cornerstone of my life. My sons depend on me (though not as much as they once did now that they are grown) to make certain they are taken care of. I can't imagine ever failing at this.

This is likely 75 percent of why I'm always on the go with a few different irons in the fire. I don't really know how to not be that way. It dumbfounds me that there are people out there who just take the lumps they get in life and never push harder to make their own way. I don't understand it and quite frankly, I hope I never do. Not that I would hold that lack of motivation and self-preservation against anyone, I just am grateful it is a way of life I know nothing about.

There was a time when I would have disagreed at being seen or referred to as a workaholic, but when I look at my life and all of the things that I do, it's something that is undeniable. I wouldn't say it's a problem, as I still find time to spend with the boys, and I have a moderately active social life (once winter has passed). Idle time doesn't suit me often, so when I'm not as busy in my work life as I want to be, I find a way to occupy myself — even if that means working more than one job.

Sometimes I wonder if the choices I make are leading me away from the things I want in life, though as long as I maintain focus and a positive mindset it isn't likely to be the case. I think this way of life has just become a part of who I am; being resourceful and motivated are qualities that I can't separate from the rest of me. Not that I want to. The determination to maintain and rise above are part of why I get up and face the day over and over again. There is a purpose in feeling useful and productive, and when you feel good about who you are and what you do, there's a decent chance you'll love your life.

Nothing has turned out the way I expected or hoped for, but I'm glad it didn't. The turns and detours that have brought me to this time and place were worth every ounce of sweat and pang of frustration. I look forward to the future, but these days I don't spend much time trying to envision what will be. My goals and focus are on broader things, though when I do get more specific, there is no weighty expectation tied to the outcome. No matter what, I will keep moving forward. There might be a few lateral moves along the way, but backwards just isn't part of this girl's repertoire.

So Read For Bed

 I'm completely drained and ready for bed. It was a good day with lots of little happy moments throughout, so I'm fine with the exhaustion. I know my bed is waiting oh so patiently for me and I cannot wait for my head to hit the pillow.

This busy schedule I've created for myself has proved to be interesting, albeit with drawbacks. I miss seeing friends regularly, for one. The physical exertion can really take the excitement out of some things, though I'm not entirely sure how exciting those things would be anyway when I think about it. And of course, there would be the occasional almost incoherent things I mutter out loud when I can no longer keep my thoughts clear. All par for the course with keeping oneself on the go, which is what I can't seem to stop myself from ensuring lately. Go, go, go, but when my ass hits the couch and I prop my feet up, that's when I feel it — a crazy amount of life lived in a short period of time.

I don't bother getting bogged down with the 'hows' and the 'whens' of each and every day, because clearly, I have managed to keep getting shit done this far, so it isn't likely to change anytime soon. Headlong into whatever the day brings, that's the spirit. This is how I live and I'll give it up when I die. Until then, I'll keep tuckering myself out, so each and every night I sleep well knowing I gave the day my absolute all.

No Matter How Long, A Fresh Look Every So Often Is Always A Good Idea

As Sundays go, this one was relatively quiet. I never thought I'd get the opportunity to kick back and relax so soon after wishing for a low-key day, but the Universe apparently thought I'd earned it. I kept busy, just not overly so, and the resulting effect has been a sort of recharge.

After last week's craziness, getting the chance to slow down significantly was just the break I needed before taking on another Monday. I haven't picked up a book to read today, but I spent quality time with family and my best friend, and neither of those is to be scoffed at. Particularly when the time between seeing these people is just far too long.

During the course of the early afternoon, I learned a thing or two about a thing or two. What I learned and where the lesson came from is unimportant. The important thing is that I saw a person I have known for years in a completely different light. No, that's not quite right. It isn't that I didn't know these things, but I actually got to see a side of this person I had only heard existed. When someone is private or just so laid back that they don't always appear to be passionate about anything in their life, we forget or neglect to realize that what we don't easily see does still exist.

This realization reminded me that it's always a good thing to come out of your own head to really interact with and see people for who they are, what makes them tick and to explore the depth of the friendship or relationship based on those things, instead of whatever preconceived ideas you may have held for years that no longer apply.

Life changes and so do the people around you. We are shaped by the way we react and move forward from experiences, and the result is never constant. There is always something more to learn about the people you surround yourself with, even if you've known them nearly your entire life. Don't miss out on the opportunity to know how complex these people truly are because you hold on to your own images of them for far too long.

I Miss Sitting Down With A Good Book And Reading

The next time there is a lull in my life, I am going to make a concerted effort to enjoy it. Revel in the peace and tranquility instead of calling it boredom. Yes, the next time the speed of my days slows to a leisurely stroll, I'm going to let it happen and embrace the break.

Time to read, that's what is currently missing in my life. I have books, stacked and waiting for my fingers to turn the pages. A Kindle with an impressive library that just begs for me to swipe through feverishly until the end of each selection. Despite having a deep love for losing myself in a story, I haven't read an entire book in months.

Binge-watching on Netflix and Amazon are part of the reason, but frankly, at the end of most days, I'm just looking to chill and unwind a bit before attempting to get some Zzz. When I read, I often find my mind becomes far more active and I don't fall asleep as easily as I would like. Diving into a story with all my focus is fantastic and I love every minute of it — unless I need to sleep.

I think that the craziness and the quiet of life strike a balance in the right amounts, based on what you need, personally. I certainly have more chaos and busy in my life than I do quiet, but it works most of the time. In between the extremes, there is usually a moderate flow where I can find entertainment, get things done and even sit down here and there with a good book. I like this balance. It makes my life something to get out of bed for with optimism and purpose every day. Still, having those tranquil days or even hours is not to be wasted or unappreciated. The next lazy day that rolls through is going to be something to bask in, this much I am certain of. You hear that Universe? I may love the energy and pace of my life right now most days, but I'm always up for a little slowing down from time to time, as well.

Don't Sell Yourself Short

I rather welcome the days when my thoughts are focused on other people in my life. It's a break from considering my own choices, lifestyle and what I'm doing to seek out and achieve my goals. Here's the other thing: when the focus is on someone else and you have the most positive willingness to revel in their successes, it prepares you for truly embracing and accepting your own.

I'd say, at least from my own personal experience, that a large part of why I took so long to get to the places I wanted to be was this intense and nagging feeling that I just didn't deserve to reach a goal. Those years were a mix of thinking I wasn't worthy of the dreams I had and somehow refusing to believe I even had what it took to attempt it at all. I've always managed to hold genuine happiness in my soul for those around me who have stuck to their paths and made their goals reality. How I could ever have doubted or felt as though that was a part of life I was never to be part of baffles me now. 

I love waiting for good news when I know someone I care about is expecting it. The build up is great, ensuring that the response I give will echo their own excitement. If you're willing to travel any part of the road to a goal or new beginning with someone, you can certainly navigate your own similar path, as well as allow those who want to be there for you, walk with you. 

When you can cheer on your friends, family and loved ones, you are part of that life. If you can recognize the achievements and hard work of another person and exude joy when they accomplish what they set out to do, you have seen, touched and experienced that part of living. The step to believing you too can make something of your dreams isn't a big one. Build your self-worth and confidence; treat yourself with the same encouraging words and positive praise that you shower those around you with and you will see that what you want can and will be part of your life. 

You are already in the room, so start doing what you want to do and join in the party. 

Hooray For Meat!

It's been a bit of a strange week. Not the least of which has been the dietary changes I've recently taken on. I can say, quite confidently, that after three days as a vegan, I have zero interest in ever giving up meat again. I can live without dairy for the time being, but meat...that is the very foundation of what I consume. Thankfully, that was just a system reset prior to beginning the elimination diet I started today. Painstaking though it may get to be at times, I already feel better than I have in months.

I tend to listen to my body these days. I'm in tune to the things it likes and doesn't like, though years of ignoring all that have landed me where I am at this moment. When I could no longer pinpoint why I was feeling awful on a regular basis no matter what I ate, I started looking for a direction and came across the SCD (specific carbohydrate diet). This isn't a fad, lose 10lbs in 5 hours kind of thing; it's an incredibly restrictive type of elimination diet that allows your body to heal and rest from years of inflammation and food related irritation. As much as it sucks only being able to eat a few things right now, if I finally feel normal again the slow introduction of other foods will be worth it in the long run.

If only I were so good about listening to myself when I know I'm packing a few too many things into days that are already overflowing with errands, work and other obligations. Maybe then I would actually have more time for the more enjoyable aspects of my current life. What I really mean to say is that I would much prefer to do only the things I enjoy doing in life, on my timeline and without all that pesky responsibility getting in the way. Who doesn't, right?

The good thing is that no matter what happens down the road, I can always admit that I may have bitten off more than I can chew and rectify the situation straight away. Until that moment arises, I'll just keep playing my own personal, living version of Jenga with my life and own the experiences that it brings. I might be eating boring food this summer, but that won't keep me from having fun. The busy I've just reintroduced myself to may just cut my beach time down to nearly none, but my older self will be thanking me when the wrinkles aren't so bad ;P It's a win all around, no matter how I look at it.

I Really Must Say Goodnight, But Before I Go...

Sometimes it's good to be tired; like when you've really earned the right to let the fatigue of a busy life just take hold. Who am I kidding? I absolutely loathe being tired. At night, before bed, sure, but not first thing in the damn morning when I've got an entire day ahead of me that will take more energy than it feels like I can muster sometimes. Tired is for sleep, so if my eyes are open, I do not want to feel that shit. Not even a little.

Coming off a week of double workouts, diving right into a 3-day cleanse, and starting a new schedule with a second job was probably bound to catch up with me, but even knowing that was likely, didn't make rolling out of bed with absolutely no energy any easier. Worse even when I remembered I wasn't going to be drinking coffee for a pick-me-up. No coffee, a vegan diet and an overworked body and brain — it's a wonder I managed to leave the house with matching shoes.

There is nearly always something going on in my life that requires me to be functioning at a relatively high level of cognition, and right now is the most extreme example. Other than being exhausted, my thoughts are still sharp and focused. I have always been able to maintain clarity where it matters most, despite going in multiple directions. Now, doing this long-term might require a few tweaks because keeping up this pace will eventually lead to mistakes or forgetting the important stuff. Clearly, I can't have that.

So, off to bed tonight to kick some of that exhaustion to the curb. Tomorrow proves to be another full day and if I got through this one without slipping up or caving into cravings for caffeine, then I will likely be able to tackle what Thursday has in store. Know your limits, listen to your body, but always believe that you get to choose where you draw the line each and every day. Why not challenge yourself and get the most out of life every opportunity you get.

We Often Forget The Simplest Options

Why is it that every time I am famished and bite into dinner I burn either my tongue or the entire roof of my mouth? The first bite. Every single time.

Enjoying the rest of whatever is on my plate becomes less likely after a scalding forkful. The funniest part is that the moment we realize the food is still too far to safely consume, we breathe, drink and do whatever silly thing we can think of, but the most sensible thing to do would be to immediately spit it out. Either because we are too civilized to expel the molten wad of sustenance or simply too shocked to remember that is actually an option likely varies by experience. Unceremoniously releasing the scalding element before it can do maximum damage seems like the best was to go. If only I could train my brain to stop worrying about being rude, disgusting or making a mess, then I'd escape the blistering unpleasantness while trying to enjoy my meal.

A number of things in life are like this. We subject ourselves to things that sting, hurt, disappoint or scar and rarely do more than take those lumps and nurse our wounds. I'm not saying it's always avoidable; some situations are not our fault and are often complicated beyond a simple fix. In the situations where we do have options, however, we would do well to remove ourselves from whatever is causing the discomfort and unpleasantness as soon as we realize what is happening. Far from running away, finding safe places for ourselves away from toxic people is essential to our survival, not to mention any future human interactions.

When we continue to subject our souls, bodies and minds to those things that aren't good for us, we make it harder to hold onto the positive beliefs that we are worth more, we can do anything and we do deserve to experience the best parts of living. All the nurturing in the world won't make much difference if we turn around and allow it all to be negated by toxicity — by someone else or from our own actions. The first step toward embracing happiness is belief that it exists and that we can have it. This goes for being too hard on ourselves, as well. Constantly beating ourselves up for mistakes or poor choices can have the same toxic effect as the things others can do to us. We have to learn to let things go, especially when no good can come from holding on to it all.

If that first bite burns, spit the shit out! You take care of you and let anyone else who can't handle your choice deal with their own issues. It doesn't mean that you stave the people or experiences off altogether, but maybe we slow down and assess things before we dive in. Find the potential hazards and keep them in mind when you decide what your next move will be. No one should every fry the inside of their mouths just to appease everyone else's senses.

I Might Be So Inclined To Share, Then Again, I Might Not Be

I'm not exactly a private person, but I'm not an overly sharing one either. I tend to write out my thoughts, experiences and whatever might be going on in life as it happens, and tied to a lesson or realization. Unless it's something earthshattering, it isn't likely I'm going to shout about it from the windows, or even pick up the phone to tell someone. I mean, if I happen to be talking to someone and whatever the tidbit of info is, just so happens to be connected to or actively occurring, sure, I'll dish, but I don't go seeking an audience for most things in my daily life.

Like, last night I realized how much 70s music I still know the words to, but does anyone actually care about that? Guaranteed that if I had gotten a call from someone I knew at that moment, I would have totally brought it up. Otherwise, who cares, besides the blue-eyed guy who happened to be listening to the music with me?

The days get busy and so many little things occur that I don't share with anyone and often let slip from my mind altogether. The moments that define our lives aren't always the big things we feel compelled to share. Sometimes they are the in-between moments that make us smile, pull us in another direction or tie things together we might never have realized a connection between otherwise. Those things aren't often the topics we share with other people and it's okay to keep things for ourselves.

We don't always interact with those in our lives the way they might hope or have envisioned we would, but when it comes down to it, all of that noise is really just us putting our own expectations on others. We might express ourselves a particular way and just expect that that will be reciprocated, and when it isn't we find ourselves feeling left out, hurt or unimportant. More often than not that isn't even close to the truth. It would be wise to take a step back and really consider the person you're interacting with and how they relay bits of their life before taking it personally. Chances are, that person handles the output of their personal information the same in most, if not all of their relationships. If we are bummed or put out, it's likely because we are trying to hold someone to our own expectations of self, which just won't ever work the way we'd like.

The way, the time frame and the subject of whatever someone shares are relative to the person's proximity to you, the relevance it may have and whether they themselves even deem it a shareable nugget of information. I have had discussions with a friend about the poop of the day simply because something benign triggered the conversation, not because it was ground-breaking or life-changing news. There have been times that I've given someone more detail about the night I was raped than I've given others, simply because I felt compelled to talk about it at that very moment. I post about my sons and our interactions often, mainly because I figure someone else might see the humor in it. When I have something truly big to share, I do so, though the manner in which I choose to might not be how someone else would choose to.

I share what I share when I think to share it. There are things I divulge to some and not to all, and some things I share with everyone in no specific order. My life, even with each and every person I hold dear loving me, supporting me and allowing me to be a part of their lives, is still my life. I don't always assume people will want to know things, therefore, I do not always open the door to reveal the details of my day-to-day. It isn't an intentional withholding, it's just me living my life and going about it all trying to maintain balance while also trying to maintain connections with those around me.

The next time you feel as though you are out of the loop, try considering that the person who didn't share with you personally may not have thought their news was news, that you cared to know, or may not have even had time to think about discussing it with anyone else and may have even let it slip their mind. Just because you may have wanted to be in the know doesn't mean you always should or will be, and it more than likely is nothing personal.

I Enjoy Living Busy

There is never a laid-back, easy-going period of time that lasts long in my life. Oh, it isn't as though there couldn't be, I just can't seem to keep from busying-up my days when a lull threatens to settle in. I suppose it's like I'm trying to pack in as much life as I can into the years I have left. While there is no way of knowing how many more years there might be, I can't see wasting time in the present.

I'm an experience junkie. If the Universe presents me with something, I will usually go with it because good or bad something will likely be gained. New memories, a lesson or an avenue to somewhere else my path needs to travel, it doesn't matter. We are here to live life and that cannot be done sitting idly by waiting for a 'good enough reason' to get up and get moving.

There might be times that aren't as chaotic as others, but I can never claim that my life is dull or boring. It might not always be active with things I want and that's okay because, at the very least, I'll be refreshing my perspective on the things I don't want in my life. I've found that after a particularly undesired event or experience, a fantastic experience follows a short distance behind.

If having gone through a divorce and having to figure out how to be everything to my sons brought me to this place of peace, balance and security years later, it was worth every painful second and each hard lesson I encountered. The subsequent dating ordeals that ebbed and flowed between the waters of awful and okay-but-still-not-right, and there is the distinct possibility that all the work I was doing on myself and the things I was learning about being with another person were to prepare me for where I am today. I have no idea where my current relationship will lead and while I might entertain a 'what-if' or two, I'm content going through each experience of being with this blue-eyed guy for what it is as the moments unfold.

As busy as my life is, all the ups and downs have helped me unclutter and relax my mind. If I'm idle too long, my head becomes a loud and thunderous place where thoughts, fears and the like congregate to party. The problem is that this party just amplifies all the wrong avenues of thinking, leaving me feeling edgy or worse. Staying occupied has been the best way to stay positive and moving in the directions that I choose because I'm willing to believe I can, I should and I deserve to walk down those happier, more fulfilling paths in life.

I can relax when it's beneficial, but I find more clarity in more hectic moments than those of quiet reflection. As with everything, there is a time and a place for us to do or feel anything in particular. We just need to learn to know when to get moving and when we can change things up and take a rest.

Fun In The Sun, Color And Freezing Wind

Sitting in my car at Back Bay waiting for my son to finish a school organized 5K and quite happy we made the move a bit south of where we had lived all his life just a couple of years ago. He may not be a dedicated runner, but the kid does far better than I could ever imagine doing myself. Of course, that parental pride is doing nothing to keep me warm at this particular moment.

Got to love Maine and its 20-degree temperature changes over just a couple of hours. Oh joy, I just discovered it's a color run, hope the kid thought to bring a change of clothes. The wind is killing me...I want to go back to my car, but I've got to get a photo of him crossing the finish line.

Aaanndd he changed out of his joggers midway through, so I missed him finishing. I did manage to see him getting doused heavily with purple and green colored flour, however :) 

Even after scrubbing his skin, he's still blue on the back of his neck and under his left arm. Neither of us looked at his time, but it was somewhere around 25-27 minutes. Not bad for a kid who doesn't run all that often. It was worth freezing my behind off to see (especially since he was in a good mood and seemed to have left the inner asshole behind).

The thing about Maine weather is that while it can reach 80-degrees during the day this time of year, it can drop to 50 pretty quick once the sun goes down. Impossible to dress for that kind of temperature change. If you plan on being out the entire day and into the night, you're definitely going to need to bring warmer clothes with you wherever you go. So much for a carefree outing, if that's what you were hoping for.

As much as I bitch about Maine weather when it is beautiful out there is nothing like it anywhere. I couldn't imagine trading the waterfront or coastline for someplace else when I'm actively enjoying the day. At some point, the few weeks of warm temps and sunny days won't be enough to keep me here, as I long for months where the air that is above 70-degrees. Until the time comes when I finally do relocate, I'm going to just try and absorb every possible second of sunshine and jacketless weather I can. And watch my evolving, adult sons continue to become the people they are destined to be while they are still part of my everyday life.

You're Killing Me Smalls

Pretty good Friday night going on here. My nephew is over and we are watching the original Sandlot. I love this movie and cannot believe this baseball-loving child has not seen it before!

I mean, what's not to love with lines like 'can't hack it panty-waist', ' ' and 'you're killing me Smalls'? My childhood wasn't quite like that, but I always kind of wished it had been. The innocence, the long days spent outside with friends — that kind of soundtrack to life! Yeah, pretty much everything about this movie is fantastic.

Their faces during the fireworks (hell, it'd be nice to have fireworks like that today), their relatively quick acceptance of a kid who didn't fit in and the enthusiasm they played baseball with...and the Converse :) I also love the back and forth insults that pre-date 'yo momma' jokes. Kids being kids, far from perfect, getting into trouble, but actively living life, not face to electronic devices.

I love the special effects of today's movies for sure, but there is nothing like watching movies that kept it simple. No muss, no fuss and all awesome storyline. The kind of movies that keep you rapt because you're invested in the characters, not just because the CGI is beyond intense. My favorite movies — the ones I've seen numerous times are always the classic, simple ones with resonating themes that pull at your heart no matter how many years pass since you've seen them.

Now to watch the boys get the Babe Ruth ball back from the jaws of the Beast. Enjoy your evening, I'm certainly enjoying mine.

I'm Mom And I Approve

I love that everyone seems to think highly of my sons. They really are pretty well put together kids, but I'll be honest, sometimes they're assholes. Of course, they only ever show that side of themselves to each other and me, so I can't really complain. Still, they can be complete assholes. 

No matter how dickish they can be, the truth of the matter is that they learned to be assholes from watching other people. Since I have been their only involved parent for the past few years that means I'm the one who inadvertently schooled them in the art form of being unyieldingly sarcastic. Much as I hate to admit it, they get more than just good qualities from me. 

The best thing about my relationship with them is that I can just tell them straight up that their attitude sucks ass and it needs to change. I don't candy-coat that shit; they are old enough to hear it the way I would tell anyone else. More often than not it ends up opening a conversation or changing the weight of the mood, so I think I'm good with my choice of parenting style.

Currently, however, my youngest, who didn't appreciate my laughing at his pissy attitude earlier is sitting on the opposite side of the room. He's trying hard to make a point, but this is where he forgets he learned to be irritable and indignant from me. Sad as that is to say, I know all the tricks. No guilt taking hold over here, haha. He'll come around. Partly because he can't stay mad for long, but also because he knows that I always have his best interests in mind and nothing I do is ever done to his detriment. 

Neither of the boys likes that I keep tabs on them, but I am always the first person they go to when they need something or someone. They don't like when I kiss them, but on the rare occasions they need a hug, they know they can come to mom. My kids can be assholes, but at least they are the kind of asshole that's mom approved.

Blathering On About Nothing In Particular Really...

I'm a day overdue on posting, but what can a girl do when life happens? Certainly not ignore it! That's how shit gets all messed up; you've got to pay attention when things crop up around you and compete for your total focus. Hard as it might be to believe, I actually do live a moderately busy and exciting life. You appreciate these daily posts all the more now, don't you? ;)

In all seriousness, I've been working at creating even more challenge in my daily schedule than I already contend with — yeah, actually trying to busify myself to the point that regular writing becomes even more tough to fit in. Why? Because if I'm not moving and occupied, I feel idle. Idle and I do not relate to one another at all. Idle drives me batty and the world does not need a crazier version of me than it's already been gifted.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm addicted to chaos, I just like to be working toward something, experiencing life and overall enjoying this journey every moment I can. Every day that I am fortunate enough to wake up and take on the next round of surprises from the Universe is something I cannot waste. When there is opportunity to try something new, take a different direction, meet interesting individuals (like the older gentleman sitting in the waiting area at Martin's Point in Falmouth yesterday who regaled me with a sort of history of Converse sneakers) and add substance to my existence, occasionally the blog post can wait a day.

Now, I realize that I'm still a day behind and the plan is to catch up within the next day or so, but life may well decide to happen all over place tomorrow. Once that ball gets rolling there is no telling when it will come to a rest. The warmer weather is here and it could be a coincidence, but I'm inclined to believe it's part of a pattern. Time outdoors means less time with the laptop and I make no apologies for it.

If you happen to know me, you are then well aware that I'm almost never on time, and it would appear that extends to this blog. Not that I intend to shirk my whole year-long, daily posts on the regular, but I'm also not laboring under any illusions about my lack of focus when the sun is teasing me and begging me to come out and play. You try resisting it's charm and persistance. I can't imagine you having better luck at ignoring its calls.

At the moment, my bed is calling to me, and like the sunshine and warm weather I am helpless to its charm. Goodnight, sleep tight and rock the hell out of tomorrow every chance you get!

I Nearly Didn't Recognize The Sun

First day in a long while without coffee. Honestly, it didn't suck as much as I expected it to. It's safe to say the fatigue I am struggling with now is a result of double workout sessions the past three days (four more to go), and not the absence of caffeine. Whatever the reason, I need to snap out of it in an hour. I mean, what kind of a respectable concert goer would I be if I fell asleep during the show? That just won't do.

The sun was amazingly bright and warm today — something I will never, ever grow tired of. I truly hope this means spring has finally arrived and is going to stick around for a bit. It's difficult to feel down or out of sorts when the sun is being all brilliant and shit. Most definitely it brings on the butterflies, rainbows and good times.

Sometimes a sneak-peek just makes it worse for the waiting. I have a love/hate relationship with this in pretty much every area of life. Warm days, for instance, are always welcomed no matter what time of year, but when they are immediately followed by weeks of dreary, freezing weather (when by the laws of nature it should be freakin' warm out already), I'd sooner pass on the tease and just get right to the real deal. Yes, I've been stomping my feet in absolute protest at Mother Nature since my son and I returned from our trip down south. I never have a heating bill in May, what gives lady?

The forecast for the week is more sunshine and jacketless weather, and I'm certainly holding out hope that things remain this way for the next five months — at least. No, I'm not under some misconception about the area of the globe that I reside in, but a girl can dream can't she? I love sundresses, shorts, flip flops and the beach damn it! I was born to be in absolute climate comfort year-round, sadly, I find it is far more difficult to pick up and move from all I know and love than I had thought it might be. Ok, ok, yes, there's a guy who might just have a bit to do with the whole 'not being able to up and move' thing.

Really, when it comes down to it, I'm completely prepared to bargain my ass off with the Lady Of All Things Weather if we can just skim over winter from this point forward. Let the mountains have all the snow they can handle and give this coastal gal a reprieve from ice, snow and the cold. I will not complain about the rain, as it's sometimes nice to stay in and curl up with a good book, movie...cute, unshaven guy who will indulge my sci-fi obsession ;)

See what a terrible hold on me cold weather has? It's gorgeous out and I'm sitting here —inside, writing this post. Clearly, I've suffered some mental hiccup caused by too much exposure to frigid temps and gloomy skies. Time to remedy the situation and go bask in the remnants of the sun's rays. Without a doubt I'll be back at that task tomorrow!

Upward And Onward, Because What Is Life If Not For New Adventures

How often do you challenge yourself? I mean really challenge yourself, your thoughts, your efforts. When we stop trying something new or shy away from something because it is too difficult, we are only cheating ourselves out of growth and valuable experience.

I'll admit, I was the queen of giving up. If something required too much of my time or energy, or I wasn't a natural at it, I walked away from it, unfinished. My parents eventually gave up on extracurricular activities, because they knew that I would 'get bored' and all their time, effort and money would have been for naught.

Being a mother was the first thing that I stuck to and meant it. It has been the one part of my life that has kept me engaged and striving to be better than I was the day before. Because this role gave me the understanding of what commitment meant and I experienced the satisfaction and joy that comes with pouring yourself — mind, body, and soul into something, it's been far easier to stay with something. When you truly get the big picture, you know there is nothing better than seeing what tomorrow will bring.

It isn't that things get easier, it's that we have more and more reasons to push forward and conquer new heights, accomplish greater feats. When you can amass enough sticktoitiveness that regaining your footing when you pause or falter is nearly knee-jerk, there really isn't much you can't do. Especially when you learn to store that magic for future use.

I've worked hard at becoming more positive and when the gray clouds threaten to rain on my parade, I'm fairly quick to keep myself dry and keep moving. Fitness has been much the same. Every so often the lazier part of me chimes in with ideas of skipping a workout, cutting it short or taking it easy. I put on my workout clothes for a reason, strap gloves on my hands because my intention is to work myself hard enough to cause callouses through the material, so giving up or giving in just isn't an option.

Being healthy on the inside has come to mean something different to me recently. Despite eating well most of the time, I still have modifications to make in order to fulfill my definition of true wellness. Like most of my other growth and change, this isn't going to be easy. No matter how tough it gets, I know that I have the tenacity, dedication, and focus required to stay on the path that will bring me to that end. If life doesn't challenge you from time to time, we are either not paying attention, or haven't stepped out of ourselves long enough for the Universe to remember we exist.

A Special Day Is Nice, But Special Moments Out Of The Blue Are Better

A low-key day can often be one of the best kinds of days. The older I get, the more often I find I choose to let the hours unfold as they will. After planning, scheduling and staying busy all week long, a day with no specific commitments and the freedom to just go with the flow is a great change of pace.

Last year, the boys and I celebrated Mother's Day a day early, as my oldest son works a double shift every Sunday. We had a crazy, packed schedule, but it was so much fun. This year it just didn't work out that way. I was able to spend time with my youngest, combining prom shopping with more relaxing activities over the entire weekend. Much as I missed my oldest being part of it all, the reality is that in a few short years I may not get to spend much time at all with either of them. Once they are on their own, they will have their own busy lives to keep up with.

I've gotten better at accepting that while it's nice to have a special day to celebrate, the ability to do so exists year-round. My little family of three still experiences more moments of togetherness than I ever imagined possible as the boys reach adulthood. I am always grateful for the time we do get to spend together and try to leave the disappointment aside when things don't work out the way I hope.

A designated day to appreciate, celebrate and honor the people we love is a nice idea, but taking the initiative to create opportunities to show our love, however, whenever and wherever is what these relationships we hold dear truly need. I know that I never have to wait for a specific day to know that my sons love and appreciate me, and my loved ones never have to wait to know that I love and value them either. Whether it's a big celebration or a simple gesture that acknowledges what a person means, don't wait for some day on a calendar to show how you feel. Create many special moments throughout life.

There Are Moments I Just Can't Keep My Cool

My youngest son and I had a conversation that quickly escalated into a heated discussion earlier. It surrounded white privilege; specifically, his assertion that I have and continue to benefit from it. Being female and a single-mother, I instantly prickled at this viewpoint.

It would appear that I have done a good job maintaining balance while giving my sons the impression that I have everything in our life under control. So much so that my youngest son believed that white privilege, in the sense that he views it, actually applies to someone like me. Part of my heated response was aimed at myself for having allowed either of my sons to miss out on the reality of raising two children alone as a woman.

By no means do I mean to say that I know what other people, particularly women, from other races or ethnic backgrounds are subjected to on a regular basis in life. My irritation is that because I'm white, my son truly thought I benefited from it in the workplace, job market, etc. Setting him straight was my only goal before we went grocery shopping.

I had to remind him that I was never eligible for much in the way of any assistance, and I consistently worked two to three jobs to keep a roof over his and his brother's head. He commented that I had a better chance of moving up or likely got jobs based on the fact that I'm white. I had to pull him back down to earth on that one. Being a white female, I'm in a less desirable position when it comes to getting a job. Depending on the race, gender or ethnicity of other job candidates, my being white has no bearing (unless the employer is a racist ass). And I reminded him of the fabulous wage gap between men and women, regardless of race. Sure, white men typically top the pay scales (something that is bullshit), but how my child could deduce that white females were in the same room on that I have no idea.

Having to explain that his mother is still, in too many ways, a second class citizen was bizarre. No, it fucking sucked. I'm no fan of Hilary Clinton, but just seeing the crap that has been spewed about her based on gender, by Trump and the media just puts a spotlight on the reality that women are still far from equal. Yes, even if the woman is white.

I work my ass off and always have because there really are few other options. I'm fine with working hard, but when my son misinterprets my drive, motivation, and resourcefulness as white privilege I have to reassess the picture I've painted for them these past eight years. I wasn't born into a world of opportunity because being born white only really matters if you're male. I might not be subjected to prejudices that my sisters of color might be, but being a single mother comes with a fair amount of being judged and treated differently. And differently in a negative way; not one that would indicate white privilege.

Just today, shopping in Freeport for a suit for prom, a store clerk who was attempting to be helpful by suggesting other stores we might find what we were looking for, made an insinuation that went over my son's head. Her comment was off-hand and I'm sure she didn't think much of it, but if I had been a man shopping with my son, it would never have been said. She felt the need to state that the stores she was mentioning were a bit more high-end and pricey, having absolutely no idea what my financial situation might be. I might normally not have thought twice about it as I don't take offense to other people's judgments easily, but it was definitely a moment that would not have happened if I was male.  People have made the assumption that I am helpless, in need of assistance, pitiable and weak because I am a single mother. I refuse to let that change my approach to owning my life. Being female is bullshit in this world because ultimately, we aren't equal and the color of our skin doesn't make a fucking difference (not that it should).

I am somewhat happy that my sons see me as equal to men, as this gives me hope that change is on the way for my gender. I've spent years protecting them from the opinions and prejudice that, be it right or wrong, come with being a single, white mother. When it came to securing credit or a new place to live, my single mother status essentially canceled out the color of my skin. Being white doesn't mean anyone out in the world will take me seriously or listen because I have a vagina. Having a vagina shouldn't be a limitation, yet in nearly all areas of life it often is.

Far from griping, I continue to do what I have always done and will always make my life what I want it to be. I have had to deal with many hurdles and dead-ends, and no-one has handed me anything because I happen to have been born white. My current job was a stroke of luck that I realize was more because of who I know than the color of my skin or my gender. I hope that my son has a clearer picture of the reality women face, regardless of the color of their skin and that while white privilege is sadly still real, he is in no position to point fingers. He is in a position to make a difference and effect change in this regard.

I Loved This

My friend Tara sent me a text today with a new take on an old phrase that she absolutely loved, and I have to agree. Make your pigs fly. Total genius! We should all see there is a possibility instead of letting doubt creep in and rob us of so much potential awesomeness.

I believe that being more positive and embracing life was the first step in making my pigs fly. I have not achieved everything I might want to have yet, but I am not letting doubt get in the way before I get those four-legged, pink cuties off the ground. Live in the now, have hope, but also believe that you can do the things you dream about. Those tiny hooves won't ever lift off the ground without the confidence and drive it takes to go after the things you want.

I think I like that saying so much that I might just stop seeing the things I want to do, see and experience as goals and start referring to it all as making my pigs fly. It conveys so much more than just meeting a goal — it says you looked the impossible in the face and pushed on through anyway. You didn't let naysayers or uncertainty rule your life. You colored outside of the lines, marched to your own drum and did it your way.

Don't wait for someone else to give you permission or for there to be a step-by-step instruction manual on how to get from where you are to where you want to be. Make your pigs fucking fly! Do it sooner rather than later, because those opportunities don't wait. Sure you can make your own, but you've got to get off your ass and out of your head in order to do it. If you want to do something, see something or be something you have to just do it. No matter what that little voice might say, you can do the impossible things it may have a running list of when you are facing unknown territory. It isn't when pigs fly, it's how high will yours soar!

One-liner

When the Universe lets the sun shine down on you, stop and let the warmth penetrate your skin and recharge you soul.

Sometimes You Just Need To Kick Back And Chill

Sometimes all the rejuvenation and girl-time one needs is in the span of an hour and a half. If the right combination of time, conversation and activity are in place, we bitches can run off that charge for WEEKS! Seriously. Not that I'm referring to my mom as one of my 'bitches', but hey, today she came pretty close while hanging out with my youngest sister and me.

We three ladies got our relaxation on at Soakology. Foot soaks, tea, comfy chairs and ambient music...what is not to love? Mother's Day celebrated early, and missing one sister as she now lives in Florida, we made the best of it. Given my current inner battle with staying above negativity and feeling overwhelmed with a book proposal, this chill time was sorely needed.

I don't think I can remember a time when my mother was able to sit for five minutes letalone an hour. She's always on the move, doing something and relatively charged up — even when it's clear she's exhausted. I'd say the best part of spending time with she and one of my sisters was that we finally got to experience a slower, more peaceful version of the woman who raised us. We chatted of course, but there were numerous moments of silence as we all closed our eyes and just let the outside world do its thing without our constant attention for a short while.

This is one happening I won't soon forget, as I now have all the proof I need that my mother can function quite well coasting in neutral, giving the accelorator a much needed break.

Sometimes The Biggest Accomplishment Is Just Maintaining Your Course

Every so often I go through a day that seems to challenge me at every turn. It isn't as though anything particular set this into motion — at least nothing overtly obvious. There are just times when everything I touch, move or attempt to do falls short of what I intend. It's amazing that nothing was broken and I'm in one piece given the way most of this day unfolded.

It would be easy to give into the frustrations and allow the negative thoughts to take over, but I have no interest in traveling backward on my path. There is nothing for me in that way of life, which is why I left it to begin with. That doesn't mean I won't ever feel the pull of giving into the self-doubt and nay-saying. I like to think of it as part-test, part-reminder.

Right about the time that my printer turned on and starting printing for no apparent reason and the paper I picked up off the floor continued to fall from the spots I tried placing it, I almost let the crap of day win. Almost, but not quite. I allowed myself a couple of deep breaths, picked up the paper again and opted for another place to store it. This time, it stayed. I hadn't let the frustration catapult me over the edge, back into pessimism, and the issue was officially resolved. If there was ever an argument for like behavior attracting like circumstances, I'd say that one qualifies as a decent example.

I interacted with others throughout the day and managed to resist the urge to piss and moan about how crappy everything seemed. Negativity is just one fire I don't make a practice of feeding. It happens occasionally, but by focusing on my resolve to rise above it I can stamp it out fairly quickly. I've accepted that this day wasn't one of my better days, but I'm also thankful that a year from now — hell, even a month from now, I won't be able to recall it. Partly because nothing much happened other than needling moments, and also because I refused to let it become something I'd commit to memory.

Today was a day that served it's purpose; giving me something to reflect on, recommit to and resist all at the same time. Pessimistic attitudes serve no good role save as a reminder of what does not help you achieve your goals. As the day comes to an end, I feel lighter and like I've cleared an obstacle. Tomorrow is another day and I plan to meet it free of whatever lingering sludge this day might attempt to throw at me.

Repetition: The Theme Of The Day

Today has been a day of repetition. Not that I'm complaining, but when I reflected back over the past 14 hours, I realized that everything seemed to be based on repeating something. I worked out twice, couldn't get enough of a particular song (much to my son's chagrin) and of course, all of the things I typically do on a given day.

First up was the song. Ordinarily, I try to avoid listening to songs I like too often because it's just too easy to get tired of it. Too much of a good thing, right? Almost more because it forced an earworm on my youngest son than I truly wanted to hear it, I played it several times. Yes, I'm that parent. But seriously, Trip Switch by Nothing But Thieves is catchy as hell — who could blame me?

Working out twice. I don't typically take on the role of masochist these days, but knowing I have doubles all next week, I figured this was a good way to see how my foot holds up to this kind of push. I'm currently icing it, but it's not too bad off pain-wise. I think that just doing it all within the same time frame will be the most beneficial execution of this kind of physical demand. ;) Again, I don't normally push through multiple workout sessions, but next week is an optional schedule for the program I'm currently doing. I have been so revved by the changes and improvements I've experienced that I'm going to give it that extra week and push through the hell that it is sure to be. Maximizing my results is worth a little more sweat, fatigue and foot icing.

In the midst of all the repetition, I broke into a hysterical episode of crying laugh jag. Nothing that occurred prior to the onset was particularly funny, but this kind of thing rarely needs exceptional humor to settle in and make a person look crazy. Both of my sons found the display to be confusing, and I'm fairly certain they were relieved we were in our own home with no witnesses. I can't even remember what sparked the jag, but it was lengthy and it might even qualify as an additional ab workout. Tears streaked down my face and I have little doubt that it looked much different from the previous episodes I've been overtaken by, but for some reason my youngest son just couldn't stop saying how bizarre it was that I was full-on crying while laughing uncontrollably. Keeping them on their toes. I mean, I can't have them thinking they've got me all figured out now, can I?

I ended the night sitting through the second financial aid presentation I've had the opportunity to attend, and while the information is much the same, this is one thing it doesn't hurt to go through more than once. Some serious work ahead and I'll take as much information as will help me get through it more smoothly, thank you very much.

I'm feeling as though another listen is in order for my brain's choice in song of the day. Don't judge me, it's tough to get it out of my head.

Sometimes Even Knowing The Consequence Isn't Enough To Stop From Making A Bad Choice

After a day of being in people's personal space, getting covered in bits of hair, my feet and back insisted that I sit my ass down for the rest of the night and do absolutely nothing. After I changed clothes, of course. I ate greasy fries, a bunless lobster roll and now I'm enjoying a little Jameson — all of which will likely aggravate my acid reflux, but at the moment, I just don't care.

I have no idea how I managed to avoid being sick all the time when I worked as a full-time hair stylist, because the days that I do these marathon hair visits with family and friends, I almost never stop long enough to eat anything. It's a battle between eating healthy and eating-right-the-fuck-now because my stomach has taken over my body to make sure it gets fed. The combination of bad food choices and speed at which I cram it all into my face makes for regretful scenarios that I repeat far more often than one would think possible.

On top of eating the wrong stuff, there's almost always the add-on complaint-maker of eating far too much. Moaning and groaning for over an hour about how bloated or full I am as though I didn't inflict the discomfort and agony on myself. Food is essentially a mine field for me more often than not. And my lack of willpower is like an adrenaline junkie addicted to pushing the envelope and seeing how far it can get before being blown to bits.

When I'm on track and eating good, there really aren't many issues or complaints. I'm sated, so there is not need to overindulge or make poor choices, and eating the right stuff in the right portions just feels better. Why I continue to put my body through the hell of eating too much or the wrong things is beyond me, sometimes I think I need to have an intervention with that Inner Brat of mine. It truly is all her fault. She likes to challenge everything and then sit back and watch as the horror unfolds.

At the moment, she is riding a wave of utter lack in self-control for all it's worth. Once she's had a taste of those decadent foods that could be used as some type of internal warfare, she is on a mission to see how much damage she can inflict before I reign her in and end the unnecessary and unwise indulgences. I think she went all out tonight because she knows I'm drawing a line in the sand and recommitting myself to better choices all around. Got to love the internal struggle of eating fun and feeling like shit vs. eating healthy and feeling incredible. Until tomorrow, keeping my fingers crossed this last hoorah of hers is a dud and I escape the fate of a burning esophagus this evening. Hey, got to stay positive, right?