Bell Bottom Blues. It's being played loudly from the front room while my roommate plays guitar along with it. I'm really not sure what it is about the song that hits me deeply every time I hear it. It is, without a doubt, my favorite Derek and the Dominos song - and thereby, my favorite Eric Clapton song. I'd heard other songs throughout my early childhood, but this song stuck with me.
Maybe every time I heard it in my teen years, it sort of harkened back to the time in my life when I was first exposed to it - a childhood with tumultuous twists and turns at the hands of an abusive narcissist. It's difficult to say for sure. Regardless of exactly why – it didn't remotely remind me of that abuse, it was more about the intensity and depth of the emotions I felt as a child in that situation. I knew that love shouldn't hurt and that abuse took many forms. The saddest part is that even knowing those things all the way to my core at such a young age, I wasn't experienced at life enough to prevent the negative and skewed view of myself that I am only just learning to unravel 40 years later.
At some point in my junior year of high school, surrounded by hair metal bands galore, I managed to somehow reconnect with my love of blues music. I'd grown up in a household that, aside from the abuse, was filled with music. The fact that I never truly learned to play an instrument still amazes me, despite taking guitar lessons. Discovering boys and hanging out with friends pulled my attention away from the focus and discipline necessary to develop that skill, but the importance of music absolutely stuck. Most of what I remember from those early years in the 70s was southern rock. I had always credited my mother's first husband (that is all I will ever call him) with exposing me to music, likely because he had been a drummer, played guitar and our house was often filled with other musicians jamming. My affinity for blues music actually came from my mother's listening preferences. She loved rock without a doubt - something that later made her a borderline cool mom in the eyes of my friends - but those early experiences with Led Zepplin, the Beatles (yes, some of their stuff has that blues influence), George Harrison (my mother's all-time biggest crush next to Paul Anka), The Rolling Stones, and yes, Eric Clapton are tied her.
The moment I heard Bad Love, I was all about Clapton and digging into his earlier music like graduating depended on it. If it had, I would have been in the top 10 of my class. Stevie Ray Vaughan was another artist - gone far too soon - that shaped the latter half of my high school years. Of course, not everything Clapton did was technically blues - the whole country thing I wouldn't appreciate until many years later. Derek and the Dominos won me over completely. Layla - I mean, aside from his cover of I Shot the Sheriff and Wonderful Tonight, there isn't another song I remember from childhood so clearly, and let's be honest, what teenage girl isn't going to fall in love with that one. From there Let It Rain and Blues Power - not to mention Cream's Badge - and my affinity for Clapton began to really take root. Bell Bottom Blues, however, instantly became that one song I could listen to endlessly and never get tired of hearing. It still is.
The lyrics describe the agony of a relationship that's passed its expiration, but only from one person's perspective. It's the epitome of desperation and it inadvertently became the emotional reaction to nearly every breakup from a serious (at least as far as I was concerned) relationship. The gutwrenching heartbreak of being cheated on, left, broken up with and discarded. I am certain if there were a class in how to be the poster girl of broken record despondency, I would have aced it. Of course, it rarely had anything to do with the guys I'd forever call exes, it was more about the sad, unhealthy type of relationship I continued to find myself in. Always the wrong guy, always giving way more to the relationship and getting far less in return, never recognizing my own worth - the cycle of abuse sets some crazy patterns it can take a lifetime to correct. Not realizing that love isn't something that you should have to cling to for dear life or beg to have bestowed upon you, it's no surprise I've amassed a catalog of failed relationships. Love that isn't freely given or somewhat balanced in reciprocation isn't really love, after all.
So, while I absolutely continue to love the pangs of knowing I get when I hear the song, I don't actually want to be the one to crawl across the floor to someone who clearly doesn't love me, and I'd never want to beg anyone to take me back. And while it has that ring of young, inexperienced heartbreak - the kind that if, as a 17-yr old girl a guy had ever said to, I thought would prove a guy loved me - this battle-worn, relationship veteran understands loving the song doesn't mean having to live it. I'd like to say it's astonishing that I only arrived at that conclusion in the last couple of years, but sadly that's the truth. I am grateful that realization didn't taint my affinity for hearing the song over and over again, but moreover, I find a kind of peace in finally understanding I'm not destined to run the hamster wheel of disfunction and poor imitations of love.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Feeling A Bit Like Groundhog Day
I've seriously lost count of how many days I've been housebound. Not because I'm having the time of my life – more like the days just run together with nothing unique to set them apart. I do know that Bob Marley (the comedian) has the right count. I started working from home the same day he started his 'Crona Watch 2020' videos. (And because I linked his Facebook page, I know now it's been 35 days – Holy Hannah)
As a kid, many of us played the whole 'If you could only take XYZ with you on a deserted island, what would you take' type games. I can tell you with complete certainty that I have NONE of the things I thought I would need or want with me in any kind of isolation. Like none of them. That said, I am fortunate enough to have everything that I need to stay healthy, mindfully present and emotionally balanced during this kind of social distancing. I would say I walk the line between extrovert and introvert, and though I can be outgoing and sociable, I crave and value my alone time like every self-respecting introvert. Just the fact that it's been over a month since I've had any in-person interactions with friends and family (outside of my roommate) makes it tough to see the still long road ahead. There's AT LEAST another 20 days of isolation to endure, though I fully expect more. I spend most days redirecting my thoughts and perception of this current situation because I have it ridiculously good. I am truly grateful.
In addition to still being gainfully employed and receiving a paycheck every week, I have a roommate to keep me in the habit of in-person conversation and socializing, two loving dogs who couldn't be happier we are both home all the time, a full fridge and pantry, a roof over my head with all assortment of creature comforts, and I have a side hustle that adds purpose, positivity, and wellness to my life (not to mention a second paycheck). I know that despite all these things I am allowed to have moments of frustration, sadness, and impatience, but I try to push most of those aside and use this time as an opportunity to remember that I have a good life. It's also a good time to reflect on how I interact with the planet. Understanding what I have taken for granted and also neglected to do to preserve and respect our environment and the life it holds beyond human.
Most days I get up, work out, work, cook and work on building my Arbonne business. It's repetitive and sometimes feels wholly unimportant in the grand scheme of what so many are dealing with right now. Not being able to see friends and family is tough, but I know they are all okay. I believe there is something tangible in that knowledge and I've grabbed onto it. There may come a day when that changes, but for now, I hold it close and appreciate the gift that each day like this is.
I thought I might drink more. I expected to be crawling the walls with irritation. I've managed to avoid both of those things so far. I've had a beverage or two, but nothing more. There have been moments I wanted to complain about being bored, but instead, I've changed my view - either by going for a walk, moving to a different room or sitting outside and enjoying the sun when it shines. Being cooped up with one person could have led to irritability of intense levels, but 35 days in we are still cohabitating without incident. For two strong-willed, stubborn people, that's a hell of an accomplishment.
So, looking ahead to an uncertain future, I remind myself that no future is certain aside from eventual death. Being housebound does not make the coming days any more of a mystery. The anticipation of being able to once again resume social gatherings and moving about in the world more freely can either cause you stress or make you more mindful and appreciative. It's a choice, at least for those of us with nothing of consequence to complain or lament about.
As a kid, many of us played the whole 'If you could only take XYZ with you on a deserted island, what would you take' type games. I can tell you with complete certainty that I have NONE of the things I thought I would need or want with me in any kind of isolation. Like none of them. That said, I am fortunate enough to have everything that I need to stay healthy, mindfully present and emotionally balanced during this kind of social distancing. I would say I walk the line between extrovert and introvert, and though I can be outgoing and sociable, I crave and value my alone time like every self-respecting introvert. Just the fact that it's been over a month since I've had any in-person interactions with friends and family (outside of my roommate) makes it tough to see the still long road ahead. There's AT LEAST another 20 days of isolation to endure, though I fully expect more. I spend most days redirecting my thoughts and perception of this current situation because I have it ridiculously good. I am truly grateful.
In addition to still being gainfully employed and receiving a paycheck every week, I have a roommate to keep me in the habit of in-person conversation and socializing, two loving dogs who couldn't be happier we are both home all the time, a full fridge and pantry, a roof over my head with all assortment of creature comforts, and I have a side hustle that adds purpose, positivity, and wellness to my life (not to mention a second paycheck). I know that despite all these things I am allowed to have moments of frustration, sadness, and impatience, but I try to push most of those aside and use this time as an opportunity to remember that I have a good life. It's also a good time to reflect on how I interact with the planet. Understanding what I have taken for granted and also neglected to do to preserve and respect our environment and the life it holds beyond human.
Most days I get up, work out, work, cook and work on building my Arbonne business. It's repetitive and sometimes feels wholly unimportant in the grand scheme of what so many are dealing with right now. Not being able to see friends and family is tough, but I know they are all okay. I believe there is something tangible in that knowledge and I've grabbed onto it. There may come a day when that changes, but for now, I hold it close and appreciate the gift that each day like this is.
I thought I might drink more. I expected to be crawling the walls with irritation. I've managed to avoid both of those things so far. I've had a beverage or two, but nothing more. There have been moments I wanted to complain about being bored, but instead, I've changed my view - either by going for a walk, moving to a different room or sitting outside and enjoying the sun when it shines. Being cooped up with one person could have led to irritability of intense levels, but 35 days in we are still cohabitating without incident. For two strong-willed, stubborn people, that's a hell of an accomplishment.
So, looking ahead to an uncertain future, I remind myself that no future is certain aside from eventual death. Being housebound does not make the coming days any more of a mystery. The anticipation of being able to once again resume social gatherings and moving about in the world more freely can either cause you stress or make you more mindful and appreciative. It's a choice, at least for those of us with nothing of consequence to complain or lament about.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Lest We Forget
I absolutely love seeing families exploring things right in their backyards, playing and learning, and simply spending quality time together they would otherwise have missed out on. It is heartwarming and such an amazing positive worth highlighting. What makes it difficult, however, is the reality that there families whose time is anything but harmonious right now. Some because of the turmoil they find themselves in amidst positive COVID-19 within their circle, but for far too many it's the abusive cycles that there is little to no break from.
Far from wanting to be a downer, I feel it part of my responsibility as a human being to understand and recognize the yin and the yang in situations. I cannot ignore that there are countless children, women, and men who are right now living in a full-time hellish existence at the hands of someone who is supposed to love and care for them. My childhood has the stain of abuse at the hands of a man who should have protected, taught, guided and loved me. Instead, I was subjected to aggressive over-the-knee spankings for a myriad of childhood errs – none of which were ever deserving of a black and blue backside that made sitting uncomfortable for days. Nothing that I said or did was ever so wrong or disrespectful that I should endure verbal assaults that left me in tears and in danger of a bruised bottom or face. I was a child that should have been lovingly taught right from wrong, through guidance and occasional consequences that re-inforced better choices without emotional or physical torment and abuse. I was fortunate. My mother divorced that man and at the age of 12, I was not made to continue visitation with him. I got out of that hell.
There is an appalling number of people who don't have that opportunity. Right now, for many, there is no work, no daycare, no school and it's causing stress – uncertainty, cabin fever, financial worry, and fear – that is heightening abusers need to control their surroundings through violence and terror. The recipients of this deplorable weakness known as ABUSE have no reprieve, no break, and no escape. There will sadly be a rise in injury and death incidences due to domestic abuse (spousal, partner and child) during this time of stay-at-home. Most of us go through our days right now, lamenting about having nothing to do, missing our family and friends and an array of other things, while someone in our neighborhood is being belittled, molested, brainwashed, raped, and beaten on a far more regular basis than before. It's impossible to not feel helpless.
I don't bring this up to throw negativity into an already gloomy situation. I call attention to it because it matters. It's happening and it's been a problem for longer than this virus's life span will be. There are people who are dealing with deaths of loved ones, both from COVID-19 and from other causes, that cannot comfort the ones they love or receive comfort in their time of need. There are people struggling with illness unrelated to, but certainly putting them at higher risk of contracting this virus. People are separated from their loved ones and have no idea when they will be able to hold them close again. And yes, there are millions of people dealing with all of these things AND being abused by someone in their home, as well.
Home is not a bad place to be unless you are one of those millions whose dwelling is a place of violence. We may not be able to do anything about what's happening next door, down the street or in the neighborhood right now, short of calling the authorities - which can make things worse but provides interruption and possible separation of the offender from the home. What we can do is be aware and share the somber weight that boredom is an absolutely amazing problem to have. Abuse of any kind is wrong. It's criminal to strike another person as a means to control, to take what is desired without consent as an exertion of power over someone, to neglect, starve, manipulate and demean. If you can offer a safe place, do it. If you can be a safe source of support and judgment-free compassion, be that. Just don't be ignorant to the fact that turning a blind eye or ignoring these things means they don't exist or aren't your problem.
We are in this life together and the only way we make it through stronger is to be united in all possible ways.
Far from wanting to be a downer, I feel it part of my responsibility as a human being to understand and recognize the yin and the yang in situations. I cannot ignore that there are countless children, women, and men who are right now living in a full-time hellish existence at the hands of someone who is supposed to love and care for them. My childhood has the stain of abuse at the hands of a man who should have protected, taught, guided and loved me. Instead, I was subjected to aggressive over-the-knee spankings for a myriad of childhood errs – none of which were ever deserving of a black and blue backside that made sitting uncomfortable for days. Nothing that I said or did was ever so wrong or disrespectful that I should endure verbal assaults that left me in tears and in danger of a bruised bottom or face. I was a child that should have been lovingly taught right from wrong, through guidance and occasional consequences that re-inforced better choices without emotional or physical torment and abuse. I was fortunate. My mother divorced that man and at the age of 12, I was not made to continue visitation with him. I got out of that hell.
There is an appalling number of people who don't have that opportunity. Right now, for many, there is no work, no daycare, no school and it's causing stress – uncertainty, cabin fever, financial worry, and fear – that is heightening abusers need to control their surroundings through violence and terror. The recipients of this deplorable weakness known as ABUSE have no reprieve, no break, and no escape. There will sadly be a rise in injury and death incidences due to domestic abuse (spousal, partner and child) during this time of stay-at-home. Most of us go through our days right now, lamenting about having nothing to do, missing our family and friends and an array of other things, while someone in our neighborhood is being belittled, molested, brainwashed, raped, and beaten on a far more regular basis than before. It's impossible to not feel helpless.
I don't bring this up to throw negativity into an already gloomy situation. I call attention to it because it matters. It's happening and it's been a problem for longer than this virus's life span will be. There are people who are dealing with deaths of loved ones, both from COVID-19 and from other causes, that cannot comfort the ones they love or receive comfort in their time of need. There are people struggling with illness unrelated to, but certainly putting them at higher risk of contracting this virus. People are separated from their loved ones and have no idea when they will be able to hold them close again. And yes, there are millions of people dealing with all of these things AND being abused by someone in their home, as well.
Home is not a bad place to be unless you are one of those millions whose dwelling is a place of violence. We may not be able to do anything about what's happening next door, down the street or in the neighborhood right now, short of calling the authorities - which can make things worse but provides interruption and possible separation of the offender from the home. What we can do is be aware and share the somber weight that boredom is an absolutely amazing problem to have. Abuse of any kind is wrong. It's criminal to strike another person as a means to control, to take what is desired without consent as an exertion of power over someone, to neglect, starve, manipulate and demean. If you can offer a safe place, do it. If you can be a safe source of support and judgment-free compassion, be that. Just don't be ignorant to the fact that turning a blind eye or ignoring these things means they don't exist or aren't your problem.
We are in this life together and the only way we make it through stronger is to be united in all possible ways.
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