Such A Circus

I am not a fan of political anything. So, on my drives to and from the salon today, I was less than impressed by the inconvenience of backed up traffic, and a ton of rubbernecking by other motorists as we all passed cop after cop. Streets line with squad cars in at least four towns/cities, all standing at attention for the president's arrival. One might think I would find some excitement in having the president in my town, but that'd be a big no.

Any time a president comes to Maine, it just disrupts the overall flow of life here. Finding out that Obama was in town to 'stump' for Mike Michaud...well, that just made me irritable. While in office, I'm of the opinion that no president should stump for another politician. Of course, I'm also of the opinion that political campaigns in general are far too varied in backing to give every candidate a fair shot at any seat.

The bright spot of my day is that, aside from traffic, I did not have to endure any political hubbub. Well, aside from the visual assault that's been happening along roadsides and street corners since September in the form of signage. An eyesore to be sure, but I am happily counting the days until life returns to 'normal' and I don't have to be bombarded with names, 'vote yes', 'vote no', or have obnoxious phone calls wanting to ask 15 quick questions about my political choices. There is an end to the mayhem in sight, and that's something to smile about.

I adore Death Cab for Cutie. Haven't ever heard a song by them that I don't like; and I can't imagine I ever will. Of course now that they're officially pushing ahead without Chris Walla, that could change. It could just as easily be of little consequence to my auditory senses.

There might be a moment when I think 'eh, I'm not really in the mood for Death Cab', but all I have to do is here a few seconds of a song and I'm sucked in. Life tends to get me like that. Even during the times when I think I want to skip the rest of the day and get on with tomorrow, something inevitably surprises me. Grabs hold of me and I almost forget I was ready to pass up on the day.

It would be safe to say that I have a relatively mild case of A.D.D. When I was a kid, I was energetic, talkative, rambunctious...a literal headache inducer. Thankfully, I've left the rambunctiousness behind. Guaranteed there are people still find me possessing too much energy, talkative, and the source of headaches. There are times that I am just a bit too much, even for myself.

That's when listening to something like Death Cab is beneficial, not to just me, but to everyone in the immediate vicinity. Excess energy be damned, the soothing sounds and melodic flow of Death Cab is the best equalizer. At least it is for me.

Busy Bee, Yeah That's Me

Juggling all kinds of things is pretty crazy and stressful. I happen to function well with a good dose of each. Idle time has never been my friend, though I certainly do appreciate the value of down time. Still, I feel some sense of accomplishment when I'm doing more than just a couple things throughout the day.

Far from tire me out, this approach to life has kept me active and relatively young. At least mindfully so. I have this thought that if I slow down too often, for too long, I'll age instantly. Regardless of the ridiculousness of that, it's enough to keep me moving and busy.

Sometimes the initial reaction I have when I consider my schedule for the day is the desire to scream, but that's typically short-lived, and I'm off and running. Often literally. I really can't imagine not having a to-do list that threatens my sanity on the regular, and I don't want to. When I sit at the end of the night, that's it, I'm cooked. Until then, it's on.

It's Not About Me, And That's Okay

Being able to have a productive and thoughtful exchange with someone who may not be at their most balanced inwardly may seem impossible sometimes. We all fall prey to overwhelming and emotional spikes that situations in our lives can thrust us into. Amazingly, the anchors that keep us from going off on a tangent that will just further our dismay, stress, or hysteria are those people who manage to keep from reacting as though the inward, yet outwardly visible, dance we are doing with ourselves has anything to do with them, because they know it doesn't.

Since I chose to focus more on my own thoughts and reactions; more specifically on the root of these things, I've discovered having conversations with people who are in that raw state isn't wholly difficult. The moment it might occur to me to counter with something other than neutral feedback, I bite my tongue, figure out why I feel the need to inject my emotions into something that has nothing to do with me, and then focus on the person before responding.

It's almost selfish that I benefit from being able to focus on someone else when they need it most. Of course keeping the continuity of positive energy is really beneficial to everyone. Why on earth would anyone not learn to adjust their focus and be that even, caring person when it's a win-win for everyone involved? Pretty sure I like winning more than I like being a know-it-all or being right.

Every Detail Is a Picture Of Its Own

I've gotten better at breaking the big picture into snapshots. There's nothing more overwhelming than seeing the enormity of a situation, when you can barely grasp a fraction of what it's all about. I find it's far easier to get through every aspect of something, if I don't focus on everything at once.

Surprisingly, being efficient and thorough is far more likely when I approach things this way. It took me years to be able to step back from the stressful position of seeing the big picture, but I managed to do it. Letting go of the worry that I won't succeed, or be able to accomplish all that needs to be done to reach that end goal has been the single most important act in experiencing a job well done. It's also the reason I can walk toward an uncertain future without the fear I was once filled with.

If I mess up, or don't get one aspect quite right the first time, it doesn't mean I'm doomed to fail. It means I still have to work on something, and that once I've managed to do better, or get it right, the end result will still be achievable. It really is all about focus and pace.

Almost Game Time

Somedays I miss being a barfly. The commotion, the camaraderie...the cocktails :) Seriously though, there is just something about being alongside people you know, belly up to the bar, watching whatever game is playing on the flat screens. As corny as it sounds, Cheers theme song comes to mind as I think about all the awesome people I know I'd be surrounded by were I sitting on a barstool at Pedro's right now.

For me, it has little to do with consuming alcohol. A couple of gluten free beers, some nachos, and some of the most lively conversations make for a memorable afternoon. It's been quite some time since I wandered in for lunch or a quick bevvie, and immediately relaxed into whatever open seat I found. I love living where I do, but there's always the occasional pang of regret that I can't simply drive a mile or two up the road to see countless familiar faces.

Just under a half hour until the Patriots kick-off, and like the 2014-15 season so far, I'm watching from my living room. There are definitely benefits of being home. I can kick back on my couch, use the bathroom whenever I want without waiting in a line, and the drinks and munchies are exactly what I want. I can stay in pjs if I want, and should I need to, I get to pause live action and rejoin when I get back. I don't miss a play, because something raucously funny happens on my left. Of course, I do miss whatever crazy, amusing thing is likely to happen altogether.

I love watching the game uninterrupted, but sometimes it just seems better when I'm the barfly, sitting at the bar, singing Cheers' theme song in my head.

Can Anyone Say Withdrawals?

I don't like when I get behind on watching Sons of Anarchy. Life gets crazy and before I know it, I'm three or four episodes deep in my DVR. I mean, how on earth am I able to skip out on four weeks of Charlie Hunnam and Tommy Flanagan (who, by the way, is my favorite)? 

A week without Chibbs and Jax is just insane. I can't even think about what I'm going to do when the series ends. All the drama, intrigue, and sex appeal...gone. No, it's too much to think about!

Thanks to binge watching, I've become spoiled at having another episode ready to cue up and continue the frenzy of whatever series I'm hooked on for hours straight. This season of SOA, however, has held me to the once a week fix, that I seem determined to change. By holding off on watching every Tuesdays offering, I get to relive the feeling of binging. Hours of Hunnam hotness and foxy Flanagan...who wouldn't want that? Now, leave me alone so I can enjoy the rest of this week's SOA droolfest. I can't believe I'm all caught up again. 

If You Can't Laugh, You Won't Ever Have Fun

My sons and I do things to intentionally irritate one another. Far from being mean, this is one of the ways we bond. We love each other enough to know what makes the other tick; good and bad.

There's something to be said for being close enough to another person that you can push their buttons just enough that everyone has fun, and no one gets upset. That kind of familiarity is priceless in life. When we can be with people, and trust them enough with our quirks and flaws - even when they take liberties with teasing us with them, there's really nothing like it.

Being able to laugh at ourselves, particularly through the eyes of others is something everyone should learn how to do. So many things we face become easier to deal with as a result of appreciating the humor in our odd ways, or clumsy goofs. Nearly anything embarrassing can be lived down if you can laugh about it without an ounce of anger. Giving someone else permission to lighten the mood at your expense, providing it isn't viciously done, makes it possible to take yourself less seriously and enjoy the ride.

Short And Not So Sweet

The bright side of today...




...I am not suffering from nerve damage of any kind, whatsoever, even at my age. No, really. I can feel everything. Even the stuff I'd rather not, but hey, I'm alive.

Down, But Nowhere Near Out

Despite feeling less than stellar the past week, life has been great. There have been several times that I've felt like giving into the negative energy pulling at me through issues that are affecting my physical well-being, but I've remained mostly positive. I definitely owe that to the people around me who have reminded me of all I have to be thankful for.

The moment I think I've failed in maintaining a positive outlook, because the 'what-if' scenarios associated with waiting for answers pop into my head, I also realize that avoiding that line of thought is impossible. What is most important is consciously directing my energies toward the thoughts of a good outcome. It is far from easy, but that's what makes the likelihood of generating more positive influence possible.

I never stay down for long; I can't stand being in my own head with negative thoughts. There are numerous things vying for my attention, and I cannot allow myself to get wrapped up in anything that just doesn't benefit my progression through this life. I might complain, feel the full effects of whatever brand of shittiness is nipping at my well-being, but I won't let any of it consume me. My life and what I want from it won't fall prey to negativity, especially when it's the kind I have the choice to walk away from.

Oh Yeah, This Is What Busy Is Like

Annnndddd, we have liftoff!

Not only did things pick up with the new job, they've taken off like a freakin' rocket. I'd be lying if I said that I hated the crazy stress this will bring. I'm actually somewhat giddy about having no experience, and no real idea of where to start. It's a little adrenaline rush...a 'safe' kind. I like that shit, a whole lot.

I suppose there are worse things to get addicted to. I could be lethargic and far more invested in television than I am; sedentary and lacking all gumption to see, do, and be more. Thankfully, I'm the kind of person who enjoys being busy most of the time.

By this time next week I might be pulling my hair out, but soon enough it will all be routine. Work has always been one area that the unknown has energized me, rather than weaken my self-confidence. Accomplishment and learning new things are part of feeling fabulous in life. At least for me they are. Keep the whirlwind of challenges coming (my ADD loves it).

Feeling Off Shouldn't Be A Normal Occurence In Life

One of the most recurring challenges in my life over the past decade has been diet. Not as in I-need-to-lose-weight, or the-latest-eating-fad diet, but as in I'm-tired-of-feeling-like-shit-physically-and-mentally-so-what-foods-do-I-eliminate-now kind of diet. This process has been in continuous flux since I found out I was allergic to onions. Currently faced with yet another issue, I have begun to seriously look at how I eat.

Far from wanting to obsess about what I eat, the prospects of revamping my food choices are numerous. I realize that what I fuel my body with is just as important as what I feed my soul, and making the right choices are paramount to being healthy. If I feel less than one hundred percent, than how can I appreciate life at one hundred percent? Easy enough.

So why is it so daunting to navigate the waters of sustenance? How do I know what will reset and heal me from the inside out? By utilizing intelligence and common sense. While it makes absolute sense to stick with fresh, unaltered, unprocessed foods, achieving that level of dedication is another thing entirely.

Without a doubt, I am fully aware of my dependency on quick foods. I have a penchant for sugar and carbohydrates, and my fiber intake is pathetically lacking. My entire life's eating experience has been ultimately based on that ridiculous food pyramid. Even since changing to a gluten-free lifestyle. My entire quick choice attitude about food is not only outdated, but unhealthy too. Of course I am conscious of the fact that all the shortcuts and excuse-laden choices have led to my present state. Knowing and taking corrective action are two different things.

It occurs to me that as I detoxified my heart and mind by making the effort to focus on the positive aspects of life, I need to detoxify my physical self, and introduce better food choices, and healthier living in general. Time to ditch refined sugars, increase fiber and protein, and kick the carb obsession altogether.

So, Vulnerable Isn't Always A Negative

Until becoming a parent, I'd spent a majority of my life resisting emotional vulnerability. Despite the fact that I've experienced intense life events, both positive and negative, crying and feeling the depth of a situation remains difficult. No, I'm far more prone to reacting to situational stimuli, but I'm still not overly comfortable with some of those reactions. I had two unexpectedly profound experiences as a spectator recently; unrelated to each other outside of the time frame they occurred in.

The first was witnessing a woman fall onto the concrete sidewalk as she exited a pub in Harvard Square. The sound of her face smacking the cold ground, and the realization that she was so drunk she hadn't been able to even attempt to break her fall, left both my friend and I nauseous and shaken. A man, presumably a friend of sorts, lifted her off the ground and began to maneuver her to a bench. She was completely disoriented, and bleeding from the nose and mouth. Instinctually, I wanted to help, but everything happened so fast, and the sidewalk was bustling with people; not to mention the guy assisting her looked as though he wished they were invisible. As my friend and I continued on our way, I felt sick over what we had just seen. It took half a block to realize that the biggest reason I felt that way, was the fact that I had resisted offering assistance. I had paused briefly, after witnessing and assessing the situation, and in that momentary pause I allowed my discomfort with what happened to dictate my actions. This will be one of my not-so-proud moments for some time to come.

A couple of hours after the first incident of vulnerable emotion, a more positive one was experienced. The powerful effects of both Jillette Johnson and Mary Lambert's lyrics and voices seemed to plow into me like no other music I've ever heard live. Given the message and emotion behind the songs, I was moved to tears several times. Far from being awkward, the experience was more like uncovering boarded up windows and letting the sunlight in. At the moment, that's the extent of open honesty I'm able to muster; still processing the entirety of such an emotional awakening.

Choices Should Reflect The Unique Nature Of The Person Facing The Decision

I've never seemed to walk a typical path. Growing up my mother always said I had to do things the hard way. Until recently I thought she was right, but it's more like I just had to do things my way. What might seem like taking the long way around to some, might actually be the scenic route the person making the choices needs. 

It's true that in observing the lives of others, we automatically apply our own idea of would, should, right, and wrong to the situation. Based of course, on our own personal experience with similar issues. Every so often we may even be bold enough within our judgements to make assumptions about how we would act even if we don't have prior experience with a situation. The thing is, we rarely like when that same presumptuous behavior is directed at us, and our decision making. 

What works for those around me isn't always likely to work for me, and vice versa. My choices are based upon my unique perspectives and situations; the likes of which no one else can ever claim to be faced with. At no point should anyone make a decision considering only the opinions and would-should-ought-tos of anyone who isn't walking in their shoes. Sure, we can all relate to one another, and even give each other advice based on our own experiences, but at no time should anyone make a decision for another cognizant person, or attempt to influence their choice simply because they 'think' it's best. 

Each and every one of us should be able to choose a direction, when faced with the need for a decision, solely based upon our own deductions and reasoning. Likewise, we should remember that though we are prone to placing our own expectations and solutions in situation that don't immediately concern us, it doesn't mean that we know the best course of action for the person facing the decision. File that information away for personal use in the future, rather than impose it on someone it wasn't designed for. And choose for yourself, instead of always following other's choices that have nothing to do with your own reasoning.

Weather Ponderings

I love that it's been in the 70s and it's mid-October. Without a doubt it is somewhat bizarre, but given the coming weather, and the length of time it will stick around, I will take this autumnal mildness for as long as it could possibly last. Rain or shine.

Oh, the cold weather is around the corner, and typically I would commence with the moaning and groaning about it the moment it hits my skin. This year, as tough as it might be, I'm going to attempt to forego those complaints in favor of what I love about sub-zero temps. I believe I've made enough progress as an adult recently to be able to accept that winter is freezing and unpleasant, but it can also be cozy.

I adore sweaters and long socks. Love them in fact. Comfort food is another amazing benefit to cold weather; there's nothing quite like a hot stew to stave off the chill of single digit temperatures. And then there are all those amazing baked goods! Cozy clothes, pacifying hot foods, movies, Netflix, and good books. Who needs outdoor activities in the winter when there's all this great stuff to keep me nice and warm? Ha!

Father Winter, bring it on! This girl is prepared for your worst :)

It's All About Where The Focus Is

The thing about working from home is that I've actually caught up on laundry, the dishes are done, and dinner is ready at a reasonable hour. There might come a time when I'm tired of staring at the same walls, looking out the same windows, but having some things remain reliably the same, isn't such a bad deal. Once the snow flies, I will have yet another reason to happy dance through my work week.

For now however, I am working on remaining as focused as possible on the task at hand. No productivity will ever come from allowing myself to be pulled in a million directions. All the good intention in the world means nothing, if there is little motivation behind it to make it happen. It's time to focus, and come up with a schedule that actually works for this new life.

I've never been an earlier riser...well, not a very willing one, anyway. I'm convinced that in order to keep my home life and work separate, getting up early is the key. The catch is that I actually need to get to bed earlier, and make myself get out of that warm, cozy bed far earlier than I have been.

There are certainly no shortages of improvement points in life and within who we are. If we operate our day to day believing that we will reach our goals and then it's all smooth sailing and effort free, what a huge disappointment we are in for. The world keeps spinning, the hours pass by, and everything we knew yesterday has, at the very least, a slightly different view to it. Being whomever you are is something that is constantly evolving; to remain the same for too long, is to become stagnant and ineffective. Own the effort it is to be who you are, and embrace the gifts of excitement and adventure that the constant morphing of you and your life offers.

The sooner we stop approaching life with the expectation that things will plateau and there is an end to expended efforts, the more quickly we can learn to manage our energy, and appreciate the value of our ongoing work.

Well, I'm Here, Now What

For months now I've been adjusting my life and schedule according to what each day brings. There is a kind of freedom to that, as the flow of activity more or less directs itself. Much as I don't like to admit it however, I know that real focus and direction are best achieved with some semblance of a routine. While that is all good and well, and I am quite willing to incorporate a bit more structure into the waking hours from week to week, I also know that instituting and creating routine takes dedication and effort; the likes of which I have long since allocated toward maintaining a crazy, scattered lifestyle. Making the switch is going to prove interesting, to say the least.

Yet another opportunity to stretch and exercise the many new and improved methods I have accumulated in my own personal evolution has presented itself. This particular opportunity is one I have been waiting on, anxiously biding my time until it arrived. Now that it is here, I'm momentarily stumped as to how to proceed.

Every choice I've made recently, has led to this exact moment in time. As much as I could find excuses, or allow the stress and uncertainty of creating a completely new daily balancing act to overwhelm and paralyze me, this is what I asked for. The most important thing to remember is to just breathe, and remind myself that every day is still just another day all on its own.

I'd Rather Sightsee Than Twiddle My Thumbs In Annoyance

Even with all the changes, I don't always love being in my own skin. It is far easier to get through the discomfort now than it was two years ago. More often than not, I figure out that I'm going through some subliminal, spiritual transformation that's causing the urge to want to crawl out of the me I've been wearing up until that point.

Those occasional moments when I don't love all of me, they make me smile now. Recognizing that something better is emerging, rather than something negative festering, is the absolute key. It isn't as though I'm not aware that there is negative energy associated with whatever I'm going through, I've just made the conscious effort to turn my attention to the positive.

The more I do this, the more I anticipate the appearance of good things in my life. Despite the rather drawn out fashion with which my new career path has unfurled, my focus remains trained on the positive direction. It isn't how long it takes to get to where you're going, it's about enjoying the road along the way.

Years have passed in what seems like hours, leaving me stunned every so often when I think about all I have seen. It is an absolute senseless use of time to concern myself with impatience and regret. I am on the road that will take me to the next point in my life; how far I travel and how long it takes isn't of great concern. Forward progression, enrichment, and growth are all that matter.

Some People Prove They Can Stand Up Against Any Odds

I don't think I will ever be able to react to someone I love being handed far more than their share of hardship and heartache, without feeling the weight of their load. Whenever difficult times surround my friends and family, I want nothing more than to relieve them of their burdens. The depth of connection and love to someone can certainly be gauged by the anguish and heartbreak you feel for them in times of trouble and woe.

The blessings I've been bestowed in friendships is something I've celebrated time and again. Just like the elation of good times, I am privy to the pain of loss and disappointment of those close to me. Though I cannot take the pain away, and I am unable to prevent the effects of turmoil, I can be there to lean on, to talk to, and to get angry with them when they need it. 

One of my dear friends has had a pile of 'way too much' placed on her shoulders recently. By her admission it isn't the worst thing that could happen; still, on the heels of a traumatic year that no one should have to digest, this news just plain sucks. I admire the epic strength and resilience she possesses, even in the face of obnoxious shit luck. She is the type of person everyone I know should have in their life. When something goes wrong and I find it difficult to move past, she is certainly a motivating example of finding the silver lining in every day. She is going to be alright, despite unfortunate news about her health, and it won't be due to any treatment or medicinal regimen. Her front-row, season ticket to brighter side thinking is what will propel her through the coming years, soaking in the best of what she finds around her. I'm so incredibly lucky she's my friend. 

The thing about pain and suffering, disappointment and fear, is that when it isn't happening to me, but it's happening to someone I love, there isn't ever a moment when I ever wish I wasn't feeling the weight. It is an honor to be close enough to someone that that heaviness can be shared. The bonds that tie me to that person are far stronger and bear more meaning than I could ever adequately describe, because we have shared in the emotionally storms and not just in the happiest of times.

I Really Didn't See That Coming

I've long maintained that I loathe dating. It's all-around awkward, and there are no guarantees the time and effort put in will be worthwhile. It's also an unavoidable step if you want to find someone to share life with.

The amazing thing is, all it takes is one good experience to change that view. When it comes to my love life, I'm relatively selective about what I share, and with whom I share. That isn't likely to change much, though I will say I am currently enjoying the company of someone who has made me reconsider how I feel about the 'getting to know you' process.

It's as though I was given a do-over by the dating powers that be. Regardless of what happens, or whether this particular relationship develops into something more, the effects will undoubtedly propel me into life free of old held negativity. I think I finally understand that some things are better when misconceptions and past experiences are left at the door.

Ain't No One Going To Harsh My Mellow

It's difficult to remember there's a bright side, or that it takes all kinds of people to make the world what it is, when an outing that was anticipated turns out flat because of a number of drunk, douchebaggy individuals. Of course, it's impossible to not react when your personal space is repeatedly infringed upon, and that irritation certainly can lead to eye-rolling at the public display of eternal frat boy behavior that ultimately accompanies too much alcohol.

Okay, so not everyone who ventures out for a night on the town turns into a dick. There nearly always seem to be that particularly annoying variety of people at concerts. The unfortunate thing is it isn't always easy to avoid finding yourself in close proximity to them. So how exactly does one avoid taking away negativity and lingering contempt for behavior that doesn't really have to have any impact at all?

It isn't always easy. Sometimes you have to go through the irritating emotions in order to figure out exactly how to avoid feeling them. Like why does someone else's actions, that have little to nothing to do with you, get under your skin to begin with? It isn't likely that the answer will eliminate the urge to shake your head at similar things in the future, but being aware can make the difference between a momentary reaction and a full-blown, negative takeover.

I'm getting better at this.

Lucky, Lucky, Lucky Me

I shudder to think that had I chosen differently at any defining moment of my life, I wouldn't have the people I have in my life, or be where I am right now. Of course, there's no telling whether I'd be happy, or love the people I was surrounded by, but knowing life as it is now, I don't want to ever find out. Luckily, I don't have to find out at the moment.

Just when I think I've experienced pivotal change, someone or something else comes along that convinces me it was all just a warm-up for them or it. My investment in life typically becomes greater, and there's no way that could be bad. Just knowing the next amazing moment is around the corner, I love life that much more.

A far cry from what use to be, even the moments of change that bring on stress are opportunities to embrace all that I have. Besides, I know I have everything I need when things get rough. When you have the amount of love and support around you that I do, everything is possible.

I'd Like To Look Back And Know That, Most Of The Time, I Tried

Being able to reconcile what I'm capable of with what I think I'm able to do has been interesting. Time and time again, I realize that I underestimate myself. I'd credit this with that lingering, annoying little emotion, fear.

I don't mind finding myself prone to uncertainty, however. The best thing to shore up confidence is the realization that you can do something you were skeptical about at first. I would hate to think that I'd seen and done everything in this life, so learning how to move old boundaries keeps life exciting.

Along with this thinking, I've also developed the acceptance that I might not be able to execute a task as well as I'd like the first few times I attempt it. Somewhere in there, with all those expanding limits and gentler inner voice, is deepening patience. The more that I try, the less I allow the thoughts that I 'can't' to hinder me. Making it over a hurdle, however shaky or clumsy my attempts might be, opens the door to those more important and beneficial thoughts of 'I can'.

Want Something? Go Out And Get It, Because It Isn't Going To Grace Your Doorstep On Its Own.

How bad you truly want something can be proven by the determination, and patience with which you possess and maintain on the road to achieving that goal. If you believe that you can, then the only way you will is if you don't give up. And sometimes there are going to be moments when you can't think of anything except throwing your hands up in the air, and just walking away.

The things I might have accomplished over the years, had I just put in the effort, or hung in just a little longer...well, it makes me shudder. No matter how I may want to lament over what could have been, I know enough to keep my focus on what is and what will be. What has passed, is behind me; nothing I can think of doing now, could ever bring back squandered opportunities. I don't have to let that wasteful behavior continue, however.

If I've gone a mile, then I will go another, and so on until I reach my destination. The only reason to stop before that, is because I've chosen to let the frustration, pain, and fear of failure win. No, this is my life, and I will do the things that I set out to do, because I can, and because my happiness depends on living up to my own beliefs and expectations. This is one area where expecting is the best way to stay focused and achieve.

Believe You Deserve The Good In Life

Not knowing what tomorrow had in store for me, use to stress me out. I would obsess over my choices, and what possible results they might bring in the future. I hated making choices and decisions. A careful life, without anything new or overly exciting, had lured me into an environment of false comfort and safety.

Instead of being happy, as I thought I might be, I just continued to settle for less, and accept the less than stellar situations as better than a life I couldn't predict. I was absolutely miserable. I didn't have the motivation to do much more than I was already doing, didn't see that new experience was part of growth, and I became intolerant of being alone with my own thoughts.

I couldn't stand myself, and it was difficult for those around me to want to spend time with me. Completely unhappy, without the will, or energy to change. Sometimes I am dumbstruck by how far I've come from who I once was. Of course I smile uncontrollably moments after the realization hits, because I know I won't ever be that person again.

I chose to seek the light, and leave the darkness behind; I chose to find the me I want to be. Am I there yet? Some days I feel like I'm incredibly close. I'm in no rush, though, because where I am allows me to experience more positive energy and happiness than any place I was before. I'm not rushing begrudgingly toward my life's end, I'm soaking up every amazing possibility, every second I can.

And The World Keeps Spinning...

Ever stop for a moment, and realize how fast the life you lead is going? Day in and day out, routine rules the hours, occasionally challenged by last minute additions, subtractions, and unexpected turns. In the moment when I am aware of how quickly a week has gone by, I know I've missed moments I can never get back. It becomes clear I need to prioritize, and reset my focus to preserve my soul.

The thing about living life is that that perfect balance is different for everyone. I tend to run at a faster rate than some, and maybe far slower than others. There are rare occasions when I get to sit and let the world continue on around me without feeling the need to join in. Those are the moments that I am astounded by how much life my days contain.

Taking a few minutes at the end of every day, no matter how crazy it may have been, has helped me do a bit more appreciating, and be more cognizant of what amazing things and incredible people I come into contact with. I remember far more, connect more often, and seem to repeat lessons I have yet to learn much less than I use to. It may be that I'm getting older, but I know I've also chosen to seek wiseness from experience and living life fully awake.

Sometimes Laughter Transcends Comprehension

Grandparents. Those of us lucky to have them in our lives, hopefully get that they are an amazing gift. I was fortunate enough to have my maternal grandmother until I was 29, and life presented an opportunity to choose family when I was a teenager, which included a kooky and loving set of grandparents who are still in my life today.

At 86 years young, these two have provided more laughs than I will ever be able to recall. My sisters and I have long poked fun at each of them for their iconic French ways, which garners laughter every single time. They embrace their oddities, and still manage to act rather silly; a trait that no doubt has contributed to their happy longevity.

The years have brought memories that could fill hours of film reel. Nearly all of them would leave an onlooker confused, admittedly, I mean to know them is to love them - even though a majority of the things they find amusement in don't make sense to most of us. They dress up every anniversary, Memere in her original (though slightly altered) wedding gown, and Pepere in whatever silly get-up Memere comes up with. There have been ornaments and trinkets created from plastic sheets strung with yarn, knitted mittens and pishus (slippers), and Yankee swaps with random items from around the house or some dollar store finds, complete with handwritten sayings that are suppose to be hints as to what the wrapped items are. Years of great food and being overserved because my grandmother hears 'no thank you' as 'yes, please'. And then there are nonsensical moments like looking up while cutting their 'airs (hair) on the closed-in porch and seeing a hot pink, bedazzled bra with fake, fall leaves sticking out of it.

While I may not understand their amusement with some things, the fact that they are always laughing makes even the craziest moments worth treasuring. How ever long these two grace my life, I am all the richer for it. Bring on the bizarre, kooky moments, because life can never have enough of those!

There Is Always A Bright Side

I have this coffee mug. It was given to me roughly 14 years ago, by a woman I worked with after she returned from a trip to Disney. I've used this mug so often, I cannot believe it still holds coffee. I've developed an affinity for this particular mug, because it's a regular reminder of the kind of person I don't want to be. Exactly how can a coffee mug remind me of this? There is a picture of Eeyore on it.

When it comes to Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore is by far my favorite character. He's lovable even though he doesn't seem to think he's worthy. It's his gloomy attitude that wins my affection, however. Well, the fact that even despite his ho-hum outward appearance, he still tries to find the bright spot in any day. Even when it's just one of those days, there is no better reminder of how to focus on something better, than Eeyore's outlook.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/217861700697648855/

Never having the gumption to try anything, simply because the outcome is not known, is the surest way to let all the potential excitement in life pass by. Having a picture of Eeyore with me at the start of most days, is like a kick in the right direction. The day is full of possibilities and just waiting for me to make the most of them.

Some A Throw Down Is Necessary

I do not love when my sons fight. I am typically grateful that I am rarely home when it happens, and that very little damage (either to them or our belongings) occurs. Of course, I still don't like it.

It took a long time for me to not allow myself to get overly involved in their heated disputes. Really, it's still a challenge to resist sorting through their arguments for them. Nothing good would come of that sort of involvement, and they each need to figure out their limits. Not to mention learn to admit their shortcomings. They have to work each fight out with each other, and themselves.

The only way to change for the better, to get stronger and more in touch with the person you want to become, is to learn how to face the things about yourself that aren't the best. It isn't likely my sons would learn to become emotionally stable adults, capable of deciphering life's never ending barrage of challenges were they never allowed to work through their disagreements.

Tough as it might be to step aside and allow the boys to fight and figure their shit out, it's really the only way they stand a chance at gaining the tools and insight to mature and become who they are capable of being.

My Heart And Soul, My Boys

So here's the thing: I talk about my sons. A LOT. Yes, I'm one of those parents. I can't help it; they are my world, and they're so freaking awesome!

If you manage to cross paths with me for any length of time, you will undoubtedly get to know my sons simply from hearing about them. I am fully aware that I find them more funny, more astoundingly awesome, and more unique than anyone else may ever be able to, but that is exactly how a parent should view their children.

It isn't as though those feelings color my entire view of them; if they are assholes, I call them on it. We've got great communication, albeit a bit on the shocking side at times. When you find meaning in life, it's impossible not to share, or go on and on about it.

There are people who don't understand, or cannot ever truly appreciate the value of that kind of happiness being shared. It's okay though, because not everyone has to get it. In all honesty, it just makes me realize how precious this kind of love is, and how lucky I am to be experiencing it. There is no way I'm even going to try to contain that.

Everyone Does It Their Way; It Doesn't Matter If It's Right Or Wrong

My view of right and wrong, pertaining to the actions/inactions of others, might be best described as passionately specific. It isn't that I'm rigid, or unyielding in my beliefs; it's just that, given the life influences I've been exposed to, have created a fairly reliable gauge by which to consider these things. By no means are my opinions or positions on right and wrong the absolute gospel, but they have served me well in my endeavors to become a better person.

When I adjust my behaviors, or simply navigate the landscape of my life, it is impossible to avoid examining the actions/inactions of other people. Putting myself in the decision-making seat of any situation, can provide valuable insight, as well as provide opportunity to consider different possible outcomes based on different choices. Of course, there is a fine line between trying things on for size, and becoming judge and jury from a safe distance.

No matter how justified I think I may be, or how many people might share my opinion on an issue, I am not typically the person affected by the decisions made and unmade by someone else in their life. I can disagree, but knowing that that disagreement is based in my own personal values and beliefs, it isn't my place to condemn. Still, as I traverse the plains of morality, it is impossible to avoid accruing an index of do and don'ts that I've gleaned through watching, or being privy to the lives of others.

Sure, there are a myriad of things I would do differently, or not at all, were I to be faced with the same, or similar issues as the people around me. The outcomes and ways my life would be affected as a result, would also be different; at least slightly. In the end, isn't that what truly makes us individuals?

I am not any other person; I am me. What I choose to do when I am faced with a decisive moment, will certainly have different implications and results for someone else, should they choose the same in their own decisive moment. It is quite likely those differences won't be drastic, and will often be the point of commiserating or celebrating, but not every impact will be the same. While we may need that set of standards by which to act, socially, we would do well to remember that each and every person is living their own life. We cross paths, interact daily, and can be greatly involved in the lives of others, but we do not have claim on their life. This same idea works well when applied to envy; not to mention that if we grasp this concept well, we also learn to avoid the common pitfalls of owning misplaced blame.

Knowing your own life, its boundaries, how best to make decisions for that life, and where to draw the line when considering how others live their lives, ensures you the strength and ability to be confident, kind, and empathetic with yourself, as well as with others.