Yesterday, as I went about the busy task of downloading all the materials I will be using from each of my classes and signing into all applications I will need, I found I had to frequently push self-defeating, fearful thoughts out of my head. I was, and still am, overwhelmed. Going back to school after six years isn't going to be easy, but then most things that are worthwhile aren't.
Why didn't I finish my Bachelor's degree six years ago? Well, working a full-time and a part-time job and raising two kids on my own, it was incredibly tough to stay on top of everything. After earning my Associate's I needed a break, and the prospect of adding more debt wasn't one I was looking forward to. You would think that someone in that situation might have been eligible for more grants, but I received minimal. The tuition bill was just too high for me to fathom adding another two years of school expenses. I did what was right for me at the time, mentally, fiscally and physically.
A number of things have changed in my life since that time. I've switched careers, my sons have grown and I now find that to be as marketable and engaging a job candidate I need to finish my Bachelor's. I've also found that I am more confident in my direction and major, which helps with the decision to once again take on substantial debt.
The fearful thoughts don't come from the prospect of expenses or the commitment to learning. I'm in a far more secure place in life than I was before, and learning is something that I hope I never stop doing. No, most of the reasons I had to put off furthering my education in 2010 have little to no impact on my decision to finally return. My apprehension comes from not knowing if I will be able to find a balance between work, school, and life. Of all the things I could be nervous about, it almost seems silly to me that this is my biggest concern.
My life has always been full. I run on the stress of a busy day-to-day, and there aren't many downtime periods that I don't find some way of cramming full with something. In short, I function quite well when the demands on my time and attention are high. This in and of itself is the reason that each and every time those pseudo-panic attacks pop-up I can squash them before they worm their way into my confidence and undermine my resolve.
Today, I dive in. Let's see how well I can strike that balance. No matter what, I'm in it.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Thursday, January 5, 2017
It Is Possible To Feel And Not Feel All At The Same Time
Over the past 30+ years, I had come to believe that when a certain bit of particular news finally came my way, that my reaction would be minimal. Yesterday an incredibly similar version of that particular news made it's way to me and it was of no surprise that it had little impact. This likely means that when the more specific, original news passes my way, I will have been quite right about my lack of reaction.
The first part of my childhood was a mixed bag of good and bad. The good was memorable enough that I can look back on those times and allow myself to feel warmed by them, even recall them with genuine fondness, despite the large amounts of ugliness that followed. My mother's first husband was abusive. A narcissist of epic proportions, this man (though I use that term loosely) took exceptional joy from exercising his control in the most brutal manner. I bore the physical evidence often over the first twelve years of my life, and while those injuries always healed, the psychological and emotional affects lasted decades longer.
As a parent, I cannot fathom being confronted with either of my sons committing such awful acts of violence upon anyone, letalone their spouse and children. Neither of my children have narcissistic tendencies and while they occasional allow their tempers to come out by shouting or throwing something, they do not direct it at others. There are no guarantees in life, but I believe my sons will not sink to the lows of physical and emotional abuse. In the unlikely event that either of them do, I will not hesistate to intervene and fulfill my parental role, and I will not make excuses. It is my upbringing and influence that brought them into adulthood, after all.
I believe my views on my role as a parent have been shaped by the varying examples of good and not-so-good parenting I have witnessed. The number of positive examples far out number the negative, but those few negatives served as cautionary reminders of what to teach my sons to avoid. Sadly, during a time in my life when I needed reassurance, unconditional love and protection from this man, nearly the entire side of his family abandoned me. Worse, they blamed me for his actions. My grandparents - his parents, turned blind eyes to the abuse and they, along with an uncle and an aunt turned their backs on the eleven year-old child I was, igniting a family war with the one uncle who refused to do the same. Never, not once in the past 34 years did this uncle ever waiver in his support of my sister or me. He and his wife maintained a healthy connection with us and our family, including my mother. No matter how difficult it made their relationship with his brothers, sister and parents, my aunt and uncle remained true to what they saw as right. In this way, I have been able to stay tied to the best parts of that family.
My uncle's father passed away this week. I have no feelings of regret that my relationship with him as a grandfather was never mended. In fact, were it not for my feelings of sorrow and empathy for my uncle, aunt and cousins, I would feel nothing at all. The most incredible part of this is that I can think back to my early childhood, before the tumultuous times and remember his smile. I can almost feel the warm sun beating down on my back when I remember days of picking vegetables in the garden, helping chop and stack wood in the backyard, and playing on the tree swing in the front yard while he sat on the porch. I actually treasure these memories now, though it took me a long time to be able to say that.
Maybe it is that side effect of self-preservation - compartmentalizing things, maybe it's part of maturing as a person; I can't say for sure. Being able to appreciate something like those childhood memories without immediately feeling the hurt, pain or sadness of memories of painful times that were once connected is an incredible experience. Without a doubt, I am grateful for the good, loving memories I have with the man that was once my grandfather. There are no bitter or regretful feelings with his passing, and I am able to maintain my inner peace while I extend support and genuine empathy to those I still have relationships with during this time.
I have lost many people in my life, through death and through choice, but I have been blessed with the positive presence of so many more. What I gained when my uncle and aunt refused to sever the bond they had with me is without a doubt far more valuable and deeper rooted than I believe any continued or mended relationship with the rest of their family could have ever been. I don't mourn a loss, because despite traditional expectations of familial relationships, I have lost nothing. My uncle, aunt and cousins hurt and I hurt for them, the feelings I have are completely for them and their sadness.
There is something amazing in that realization and even more incredible in owning that truth.
The first part of my childhood was a mixed bag of good and bad. The good was memorable enough that I can look back on those times and allow myself to feel warmed by them, even recall them with genuine fondness, despite the large amounts of ugliness that followed. My mother's first husband was abusive. A narcissist of epic proportions, this man (though I use that term loosely) took exceptional joy from exercising his control in the most brutal manner. I bore the physical evidence often over the first twelve years of my life, and while those injuries always healed, the psychological and emotional affects lasted decades longer.
As a parent, I cannot fathom being confronted with either of my sons committing such awful acts of violence upon anyone, letalone their spouse and children. Neither of my children have narcissistic tendencies and while they occasional allow their tempers to come out by shouting or throwing something, they do not direct it at others. There are no guarantees in life, but I believe my sons will not sink to the lows of physical and emotional abuse. In the unlikely event that either of them do, I will not hesistate to intervene and fulfill my parental role, and I will not make excuses. It is my upbringing and influence that brought them into adulthood, after all.
I believe my views on my role as a parent have been shaped by the varying examples of good and not-so-good parenting I have witnessed. The number of positive examples far out number the negative, but those few negatives served as cautionary reminders of what to teach my sons to avoid. Sadly, during a time in my life when I needed reassurance, unconditional love and protection from this man, nearly the entire side of his family abandoned me. Worse, they blamed me for his actions. My grandparents - his parents, turned blind eyes to the abuse and they, along with an uncle and an aunt turned their backs on the eleven year-old child I was, igniting a family war with the one uncle who refused to do the same. Never, not once in the past 34 years did this uncle ever waiver in his support of my sister or me. He and his wife maintained a healthy connection with us and our family, including my mother. No matter how difficult it made their relationship with his brothers, sister and parents, my aunt and uncle remained true to what they saw as right. In this way, I have been able to stay tied to the best parts of that family.
My uncle's father passed away this week. I have no feelings of regret that my relationship with him as a grandfather was never mended. In fact, were it not for my feelings of sorrow and empathy for my uncle, aunt and cousins, I would feel nothing at all. The most incredible part of this is that I can think back to my early childhood, before the tumultuous times and remember his smile. I can almost feel the warm sun beating down on my back when I remember days of picking vegetables in the garden, helping chop and stack wood in the backyard, and playing on the tree swing in the front yard while he sat on the porch. I actually treasure these memories now, though it took me a long time to be able to say that.
Maybe it is that side effect of self-preservation - compartmentalizing things, maybe it's part of maturing as a person; I can't say for sure. Being able to appreciate something like those childhood memories without immediately feeling the hurt, pain or sadness of memories of painful times that were once connected is an incredible experience. Without a doubt, I am grateful for the good, loving memories I have with the man that was once my grandfather. There are no bitter or regretful feelings with his passing, and I am able to maintain my inner peace while I extend support and genuine empathy to those I still have relationships with during this time.
I have lost many people in my life, through death and through choice, but I have been blessed with the positive presence of so many more. What I gained when my uncle and aunt refused to sever the bond they had with me is without a doubt far more valuable and deeper rooted than I believe any continued or mended relationship with the rest of their family could have ever been. I don't mourn a loss, because despite traditional expectations of familial relationships, I have lost nothing. My uncle, aunt and cousins hurt and I hurt for them, the feelings I have are completely for them and their sadness.
There is something amazing in that realization and even more incredible in owning that truth.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
And Just Like That, 2017 Begins
Without a doubt, 2016 is a year most of us won't soon forget. The sheer number of celebrity deaths seems to continue to mount in the last few days of this wretched 12-month period. Many of us watched the icons of our childhood blip off the radar of our life in shock and disbelief.
Starting with Wayne 'Trapper John' Rogers, this year decimated 70s and 80s pop culture. Admittedly, I was most devastated by the death of David Bowie on January 10th, the loss of one of my favorite childhood icons. Alan Rickman, Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams was my favorite show), and Gary Shandling left this world, and by April, when Prince died, I didn't think it could get much worse. I mean, enough already! We were given a relatively quiet May and then June rolled around and the man who could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee took his last breath and everyone's favorite TV dad, Dick Van Patten joined the afterlife party. Anton Yelchin was a sad shocking death. July was quiet and it looked as though maybe the year was backing off of those famed faves, maybe realizing the greedy nature with which it had been behaving. Alas, by the end of August Gene Wilder was gone, and while it was sad, something seemed right about him joining Gilda after far too long apart. September claimed Arnold Palmer and by the end of November, Leonard Cohen would be singing for the angels, Florence Henderson joined TV husband Robert Reed, and Fidel Castro finally bit the dust. Eleven months of just plain awful apparently needed a fitting end. This year made the most use out of December, taking Alan Thicke, Zsa Zsa Gabor, George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. As the minutes ticked down and the new year stood in wait to take over, 2016 put the second bookend in place, claiming another beloved M.A.S.H. star, Father Mulcahey (William Christopher).
The year may not truly be to blame, but over a period of 52 weeks, a whole hell of a lot of shit was dumped on us all, painfully highlighted by the most ridiculous election this country has likely ever witnessed. Personally, there was the loss of an amazing woman. My stepfather's mother - my grandmother for nearly 20 years and my sons' great-grandmother for their entire lives. She was truly a loving, giving and patient soul who will be missed greatly.
For all the shit that the past year brought, there were some great moments, too. I got to visit an old friend while doing the college tour with my youngest. I started dating a bonafide grown-up man, who is one of the biggest reasons for me to not hate 2016 in its entirety. My job contract extended another year, I enrolled in a bachelor degree program and I got to visit my sister and her family with my mother.
The high points may not have been great in number, but they were overloaded in quality and meaning, making them intensely memorable. There were many hiccups, hurdles, and downward slopes over the course of the last 12 months, but I am thankful for those few, shining moments of awesome that helped me stay grounded and focused on what really matters in life.
Today is a blessing simply because it brings another possibility of exploring and enjoying the world around us. We may signify a clean slate with the writing of a new year, but there is always the chance to start again, try something new and appreciate that which we didn't before each and every time we wake up to another day. We shouldn't lose sight of the power we have simply because the days may stack the odds against us. How we perceive the road ahead will have the most impact on the way we choose to live it. As always, I choose to move beyond the negative and hold fast to the light of actively practicing positive choices, thoughts, and actions. This year, and every year to come has the potential to be great - all we have to do is make ourselves open enough to receive it and focused enough to recognize the possibilities that it carries.
Starting with Wayne 'Trapper John' Rogers, this year decimated 70s and 80s pop culture. Admittedly, I was most devastated by the death of David Bowie on January 10th, the loss of one of my favorite childhood icons. Alan Rickman, Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams was my favorite show), and Gary Shandling left this world, and by April, when Prince died, I didn't think it could get much worse. I mean, enough already! We were given a relatively quiet May and then June rolled around and the man who could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee took his last breath and everyone's favorite TV dad, Dick Van Patten joined the afterlife party. Anton Yelchin was a sad shocking death. July was quiet and it looked as though maybe the year was backing off of those famed faves, maybe realizing the greedy nature with which it had been behaving. Alas, by the end of August Gene Wilder was gone, and while it was sad, something seemed right about him joining Gilda after far too long apart. September claimed Arnold Palmer and by the end of November, Leonard Cohen would be singing for the angels, Florence Henderson joined TV husband Robert Reed, and Fidel Castro finally bit the dust. Eleven months of just plain awful apparently needed a fitting end. This year made the most use out of December, taking Alan Thicke, Zsa Zsa Gabor, George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. As the minutes ticked down and the new year stood in wait to take over, 2016 put the second bookend in place, claiming another beloved M.A.S.H. star, Father Mulcahey (William Christopher).
The year may not truly be to blame, but over a period of 52 weeks, a whole hell of a lot of shit was dumped on us all, painfully highlighted by the most ridiculous election this country has likely ever witnessed. Personally, there was the loss of an amazing woman. My stepfather's mother - my grandmother for nearly 20 years and my sons' great-grandmother for their entire lives. She was truly a loving, giving and patient soul who will be missed greatly.
For all the shit that the past year brought, there were some great moments, too. I got to visit an old friend while doing the college tour with my youngest. I started dating a bonafide grown-up man, who is one of the biggest reasons for me to not hate 2016 in its entirety. My job contract extended another year, I enrolled in a bachelor degree program and I got to visit my sister and her family with my mother.
The high points may not have been great in number, but they were overloaded in quality and meaning, making them intensely memorable. There were many hiccups, hurdles, and downward slopes over the course of the last 12 months, but I am thankful for those few, shining moments of awesome that helped me stay grounded and focused on what really matters in life.
Today is a blessing simply because it brings another possibility of exploring and enjoying the world around us. We may signify a clean slate with the writing of a new year, but there is always the chance to start again, try something new and appreciate that which we didn't before each and every time we wake up to another day. We shouldn't lose sight of the power we have simply because the days may stack the odds against us. How we perceive the road ahead will have the most impact on the way we choose to live it. As always, I choose to move beyond the negative and hold fast to the light of actively practicing positive choices, thoughts, and actions. This year, and every year to come has the potential to be great - all we have to do is make ourselves open enough to receive it and focused enough to recognize the possibilities that it carries.
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