I read this post (by the way, I LOVE Elephant Journal - well worth $13 a year to read unlimited posts), and realized that I am a repeat offender of several of these. 

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/04/18-ways-women-are-disconnected-from-themselves-falan-storm/

By far and large, the most egregious of my offenses is #12. Interrupting intuition. The worst thing is, I am usually pretty close to the bullseye when I get that 'inkling' or 'gut feeling'. Despite that fact, I still choose to disregard my intuition in situations when it is in my best interest to follow it. 

Intuition is a gift; it guides us through life if we only just heed it. In situations where I'm uncertain of what direction I should go or action I should choose, I rely on that "inner knowing" to steer me. Occasionally, it may seem as though I was way off base, but in time it's usually revealed that a couple extra steps were just necessary. Listening to that intuitive voice doesn't mean the outcome will always make sense right away. Sometimes it takes months, even years, to understand the benefit or wiseness in a choice we made.

I am most prone to disregarding my gut in relationships. Time and again I unwisely push that 'knowing' feeling aside, giving people the benefit of a doubt.

A Soul That Touches The World Leaves A Little Fire Behind When It Moves On

For days now, since hearing of Dr. Wayne Dyer's passing, I've been putting off watching The Shift. I've read a number of his books, watched endless hours of him speaking, yet I hadn't been able to just sit and watch this movie. Regardless of my views on religion or spirituality, Dr. Dyer's message has always resonated with me.

Tonight I watched the movie, and tonight I shed a number of tears. In truth, so much of what I aspire to, of who I've become over the passed decade is because life became clearer, and I learned (however slowly) to let go. It was years of occasionally reading Dr. Dyer's words, and then one day, it all just clicked. And just like when I finally let go of the reigns that had directed every second of my existence up to that point, as I watched this movie I found myself crying. Not even remotely out of sadness. The feeling of internal gratitude was, in both cases, too intense to ignore.

So much of where I am, like countless others can claim, is a result of finding Dr. Dyer's words. Stumbling upon them, recognizing the value in them, and understanding that happiness and purpose are absolutely possible. What a gift that kind of realization has been.

I've still got a ways to go, but every time I get tripped up, catching my balance is easier and quicker than it was the time before. Thank you Wayne for sharing your story, your ideas and teachings on dharma and 'just being' with the world.

The Shift

A Little Humble Pie Is Truly A Great Thing

While it might sting a little to be confronted with something you did that negatively affected others, the end result should be a positive one.

Today I did something out of character for me, and the unfortunate result was it affected a host of other people. I've worked hard at thinking before I speak, but every once in awhile I get lax in that endeavor. I am quite regretful I failed to use my internal speech filter, but thankfully someone I respect highly was kind enough to bring my faux pas to my attention.

It isn't our missteps that define us; it is how we own them. If we allow the full gravity of our actions to be felt and realized without defensiveness, the end result is a forward step on the right path. Sometimes we need to fall back a rung or two, in order to remember the importance of how we approach our present and future.

Through this experience, I learned that I can get complacent, and if I allow that to happen too often, my character will suffer. As difficult as it is to see myself in a light that I know is not the truest representation of who I am, it is a great opportunity to grow, not to mention solidify my resolve to put the best version of myself out there.

To the person who thought enough of me to reach out and convey my mistake (you know who you are), THANK YOU. You've given me a chance to strengthen my integrity.

Twenty-five years and counting

Days that make you realize life is a gift are to be recognized, celebrated and kept close in memory for those moments when it may not be quite as clear. I am grateful beyond expression that I have many of those 'A-ha' days. It certainly makes appreciating the life I have far easier to do.

Over the weekend I reconnected with high school friends; a few I hadn't seen in 25 years; which is surprising given the turnout for the 20th (our first ever) reunion. Check out this photo taken five years ago:

I've long maintained that I didn't like high school. It wasn't because it was wrought with hardships, or unpleasant experiences - nothing overly negative marks those four years. I just simply loathed the entire process of homework and sitting in class taking notes, listening to lectures; I couldn't wait to just be free to live my life on my own terms. Independence can occasionally have unintended effects. Thankfully, I can look back on those years without many regrets. Sure, I could have 'applied myself more' in classes, actually cared about my GPA, and challenged myself instead of lamenting about how much I wanted to be out of school, and bucking the system. But I was able to do something that I could never regret. I immersed myself in the social aspect of that overly structured experience.

Why is that a good thing? Most often kids are chastised for being too social, or not taking their studies seriously. While I don't discount the importance of education, I think adults often forget the value of socialization. I am the person I am today, because of all I experienced in the high school social climate of the late 80s. It wasn't all fabulous, but what it taught me became the cornerstone for my interactions in adulthood.

I remembered so many of my classmates; recognizing most of them at first glance. I didn't belong to any clique; though to be fair, cliques in our class weren't über rigid. The ability to get to know people outside of my tight knit circle of friends (who I still hold close today), has been one of the biggest assets in my professional life. Whether in my time as a reporter, or as a hair stylist, being able to strike up conversation with complete strangers, and hone my skills of recollection would never have been possible without first having braved the social waters during those defining teen years.

Class of 1990 - way back when

Over the weekend, some 50 classmates gathered in a function room, and it was as though little time had passed. Some I didn't know well, and others with whom I shared a bigger bond - all reminiscing without any hint of the prejudices that may have existed in high school. Though so many didn't make it, the smaller turn out was perfect for having genuine conversations, and truly being able to 'catch up'. I can't imagine having gone through those tumultuous teenage years with any other people. No matter what little divisions there were among groups then, there was always an overall connection that negated any social hierarchy. That, at least as far as I've experienced, is still part of who we are today.

This photo was taken after a number of people has left - we were all so engrossed in catching up, we hadn't thought to capture the group as a whole. 

I could likely thank each and every person from this weekend for their part in shaping my own life; no matter how they impacted those years, it all played a part in creating the person I am. I am grateful to be a part of each of their lives; whatever level of involvement that is. 

Just a Short Thought This Morning

While I'm not feeling particularly wordsmith-y today, the simple fact that the sun is shining this morning is more than enough for me to see the silver lining in this day. A bit too chilly to enjoy coffee on the deck this morning, I'm content observing the birds in the extreme flood waters that have taken over the backyard. Were it not for the ability to see the out of place beauty in it, I'd likely be grumbling displeasure.

Of course, the moment I stepped outside to capture the quiet activities in the wooded area behind the condos, it all ceased. No matter. The peaceful appearance is worthy enough to share.

I know that I was not made for winter. The cold and frozen characteristics of a season that lasts far too long, does carry one positive thing with it, however. I am all that much more appreciative of the warmer, greener weather the other half of the year. I try to be outside and enjoy the world around me as much as possible once the snow has disappeared. Were it balmy year-round, I might take the gift of sun and warmth for granted. That would be sad.

Before I Hit the Mat...

I changed up my routine this week, and while most of the time this kind of upheaval makes me groan inwardly, the perspective gained was most unexpected. Upon waking, I had been immediately changing into workout clothes (after making the bed, of course), putting in my contacts, then heading to the basement to train, then finished the morning off with Bulletproof coffee. All I did was opt to wake up and sit with my coffee first. It's been a bit of a struggle to justify 'relaxing' after I got my full 8, but this pause on morning activity has allowed my mind to prepare for the day ahead. This switch up, though relatively minor, has created opportunity to turn some of my musings into small bodies of writing. To me, that's huge.

Most of my life I've loathed mornings. Never seeming to get enough sleep, the thought of rising bright and early literally produced waves of nausea. Now my early and the rest of the world's early aren't likely the same, but I find I'm waking up earlier and earlier with far less protest.

A likely reason is that I'm getting older and need less sleep. While that may be part of it, I think my changing ideals are more the reason. In all the working toward a more positive existence, I find I can't placate my laziness with excuses like I used to. The differences in my state of mind have directly impacted the whole of my being. When you make a change - even if it seems small at the time, it is nearly impossible for it to not have a profound effect on your life as a whole. Yes, it's the ripple effect.

There is no other plausible reason, as far as I'm concerned, for why waking earlier, working out consistently, and accepting switch ups in my routine so much more willingly have occurred. I'm curious to know whether foreknowledge of these things might have led to me push out all the negative energy sooner? Somehow I doubt that the results would have been the same; there's something to be said for just going with the flow and letting life surprise you.

No, I think I'm just happy that I've come to the awareness I have at all. It doesn't matter when it took place, in the end all that counts is that the trek was successful. I've never been more present in the here and now, and that is where living truly exists.

Help Isn't Help If It's Given Without Human Decency

By some random chance, I turned on the TV this morning, and it was on Bloomberg. I NEVER watch this station. That changed in less than five minutes today. Aside from watching the ticker, there was a program that captivated my inner humanitarian. Haiti: Open for business? This documentary-style expose of a country that was nearly decimated by a massive earthquake over five years ago, prompted several veins of thought.

As a single mother, I've had more moments experiencing struggle than I like to admit; both with finances and mental stress. Even at the worst times, I couldn't fathom poverty; particularly the level of destitute poverty that is the reality for so many. There was never a point that I lost hope, or even saw myself and my sons in a more dire situation than we were experiencing. In short, no matter how tough times got, I was always aware they could be far worse. As a result, I developed a strong sense of gratitude for what we were, and are, fortunate to have. Not that my family and friends would have ever let us slip into the kind of bleak life that far too many wake up to each and every day. My blessings go well beyond material possessions; I would not be who I am, or have the outlook I do, without the support system that has long surrounded me.

Like it or not, it is easier to focus and digest the stories of poverty and hardship when it is occurring 1,822 miles away. It isn't that I'm unaware of the struggling masses right here in the United States, or my own backyard. It's harder to grapple with the imbalance of life when you can't just simply change the channel, and push it from your thoughts. It isn't as though I want to turn a blind eye; it's that allowing myself to be overcome with guilt, grief or hopelessness won't put me in the frame of mind to keep myself going, or help out wherever I can, when I can.

Realizing that even the progress and recuperation Haiti has made, it is almost mind-numbing that in five years the living conditions haven't improved more, and that the economy is still struggling. It's inspiring that there are foreign companies who understand the difference between working to survive and working to live, and have invested in the recovery and rebuilding of Haiti. But that inspiration leads to frustration that more isn't being done. In Haiti, and around the world. The immense imbalance between privilege and poverty is a global reality, wrought with nearly the same issues regardless of where in the world we focus.

One of my greatest struggles in becoming a more positively charged person has been resisting the pull of negativity this issue churns up. Just where is the line between being moved to act, and being riddled with guilt? No matter how much I do, it hardly seems to be enough. It is difficult not to allow guilt over having what I do to take over, and manipulate the way I experience life. Clearly, this is an ongoing inner battle that becomes more difficult when the evidence of such social imbalance is within our sphere of existence.

There is a degree of acceptance that each of us must own while maintaining an open mind and heart that is willing to give. That degree, however, fluctuates along with the capacity to balance enjoying the fruits of one's labor, while actively engaging in acts of external betterment. Betterment that does little more for the self than boosts the warm and fuzzies. While it is true that we are all born into circumstances that often steer our paths, we don't have to give up all navigational control. Of course, it isn't easy to change a life that is weighed down by poverty and lack of opportunity. It is even harder, I imagine, to forge on day after day when the results of those efforts bear little reward.

Certainly, there were circumstances that I was born into that could have, and likely did impact my life both for the good and for the bad. We are all born into a life not of our choosing, and certainly it impacts the paths we walk, and while we need to own our choices, as well as our effort, there are some hurdles that even the strongest of us need help getting over. There should be far less shaming, and far more giving, in my opinion. Each and every one of us will need some kind of help from someone in our lifetime, and it is likely in a way we wish we didn't. Why propagate feelings of inadequacy, as add-ons to handouts? There is a much better way to feel good about yourself; it's called possessing and acting with human decency. How much further will that dollar or donation go, how much more of a lasting impact will it have if it is done with compassion, instead of out of obligation, guilt or judgment? When a person is in the vulnerable position of need, they likely already feel shame, and consider themselves 'less than'; like they are somehow not a part of society. Doesn't it make more sense to offer assistance without the bitterness and negativity often tied to that dollar that's tossed into a can, or thrust into a person's palm? More negative emotions will only defeat the assistance offered.

My own acceptance is made up of the realization that I could give everything I have to the epidemic that is poverty, and it wouldn't be enough to lift even one person to an acceptable standard of living. Therefore, I have to find a way to appreciate my fortunate life without guilt or shame, and still do what I can to pay it forward. It is far better to spread goodwill and assistance with a positive, uplifted soul, then to do so out of the negativity of guilt. People are people, regardless of the circumstances that make up their life; while we should embrace and celebrate our differences, we should also be tearing down the walls that isolate, by remembering we are all part of the same human race, and treating others with value. Poverty and need aren't diseases, they are circumstance-based realities that require everyone's understanding and willing efforts to change.

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world." - Mahatma Gandi

A Slew of Thoughts, And This is the One That I Snagged to Expand On

In all the crazy that is daily life, I often wonder how I can consider myself sane whenever I take on something new. Or even just something more. Ah, but I've been looking at things from the wrong side of the glass all this time, as I've come to understand that sanity is something no seriously active person will ever experience. Off center, and colorful is exactly how I want my life to be.

Sure, like I would claim any different. I mean, it's not like the name of this blog - and everything I've written here would be a sham if I suddenly was desperate to be seen as sane or normal, or lamenting about how I wish I were normal. I'm fairly certain I was born with a lack of desire to conform, at least for the most part. Different, insane, crazy, odd...no matter how it comes across, my life and the way I live it can't ever be called boring.

Sometimes I think that my life before kids was less...unpredictable, and while having less responsibility might make it seem that way in reflection, it just takes reminding myself that I hadn't even realized a tenth of the possible experiences life had to offer back then. Well, that, and the fact that memory is selective. What we remember, and how we choose to remember are based on the influences around us at the time we recall them. I rather enjoy the mayhem that is woven into most of my days now.

In the two seconds before I refocus my energy when my routine is jostled, I stress about how I'm going to make it all work. Two seconds. That is typically the length of time that I spend allowing negative energy to lead my thoughts and attitude, and just sitting back and owning that feels amazing. There are still those times when I let the feeling of being overwhelmed by stress hang around for awhile, but they are quite few and far between. Rather than beat myself up over those times, I choose to think of those moments as a vivid reminder of the life I shed; something that keeps me from ever sliding back into that world of misery.

So bring on the upheaval of a new routine that involves conscious dietary consideration in a manner I have never approached before, diligent exploitation of every muscle this body has as I build a fitter version of me, and all the unpredictability of challenging firsts that are sure to be lined up along the way. I see no reason to stop at achieving a healthier mind, and more positive soul. Every shining light deserves a flattering fixture.

On A Roll Now

It appears that as I get more and more comfortable in this life I've been working at, I realize that some of the things that aren't working anymore aren't necessarily because I'm slacking at living a better life. Amazingly enough, it took the past two years to really dig deep and push an evolution within my heart and soul. At the risk of sounding New Age-y, my 40s have been an awakening on nearly every level.

Those nagging issues that are making themselves more and more known, are really a blessing. My health has always been relatively good, so the current state of malaise that pops up in a far more frequent way these days, has grabbed my attention. I have freed myself from so many negative habits, and as a result I have no doubts that these remaining hurdles aren't the symptom of stress, anxiety or unhappiness. They are the legitimate effects of consuming and using an array of chemicals and toxic products over a prolonged period of time. Just how can I be sure? I'm far more in tune with my body since I've immersed myself in positive thinking and living.

I am well aware that the processed garbage that passes for food these days is laden with numerous ingredients that were never meant to be ingested. I bought into the bullshit, and frankly I allowed myself to become lazy; giving up years to time-saving, carb-filled options that eventually robbed me of my energy, focus and ambition. The funny thing is, even knowing the shit I was consuming (and feeding my kids) was irresponsible, I just turned a blind eye and continued along day after day. It wasn't until I'd changed my way of thinking and relating, that I could actually do something. Maybe I was just so addicted to the crap, that I needed to build a stronger me in order to tackle this kind of change.

Being me; being a more positive, understanding and freer person was a challenging accomplishment. I have to say I'd do it a hundred more times instead of revamping my dietary and personal habits, because this shit is almost overwhelming. Of course, I'm not who I was two years ago, and I've got an incredible light of determination that keeps me going that has already made a world of difference.

I won't tell someone else they should follow suit, and I refuse to criticize anyone else's choices. Even if it is obvious to me that there is a better way, who am I to say so? It is quite unlikely that I would have listened to anyone's advice, no matter how much fact they had to back it up, just a few years ago. And honestly, I might never have cut ties with that negative trough of bullshit if I was focused on begrudgingly 'changing my ways'.

We get to where we are going in our own unique time spans. What triggers enlightenment, what fuels change is unique to us all. I'm on this path, fully committed to where I'm going, and completely aware of the moments that make up the journey. Lasting change and betterment cannot happen without the freedom to make those kind of commitments to yourself. If it takes ten different attempts, or a thousand, to find the realm of balance body, mind and soul that's what it takes. If the changes I've made, and continue to make, inspire someone to make changes in their own life, fantastic. We can inspire and we can be inspired, but we can only do the work for ourselves.

Sake Fueled Introspection

Irritable, pissy, amused and perched on the edge of 'something'. This would be the most articulate description of my current mood that I am able to muster presently. Conflicting, somewhat vague and yes, seemingly impossible to experience all at once time.

The truth is that though I may be vigorously vacillating between these emotions, there is next to no distinctive difference. I can clearly identify each of these feelings - and there are still a few more lurking around the center of this fun-fest of emotion, but they all run together like a pack of wild dogs. It would be relatively easy to give a basic list of the reasons for such a mixed bag of whatever this is, but revealing that shit just isn't my thing. It isn't like divulging such things would change my present state of being.

Before one second is over, I go from smiling at the wonder my life has known to lamenting over that which continues to elude me. Followed immediately by an internal chastising lecture to not allow myself to be 'that person', and the general feeling that despite all my efforts and progress, I am not as complete as I could be. There is still a kink in the works that are my life.

Without a doubt I can continue on, mostly unfettered without that one thing, that's actually more a collection of things. There would be next to no distracting regret; no heavy weight of 'what if' that would follow me as my inevitably numbered days dwindle.  I could easily live out the remaining time of my existence and be no worse for wear if that 'thing' never visited my doorstep - never let it's presence touch my soul.

So why do I pay it any mind in the slightest? Why, indeed. It's very existence is an echo I hear all around me, impossible to ignore. Regardless of what I have, what I am, this has never been something I've experienced beyond that of a borrowed moment. And while most of the time I am content to go about my days full of everything I have, I am still prone to wonder what it would be to own such a compilation of moments and not feel like I was accidentally standing in someone else's place.

The silver lining is that I am more self-aware than I ever have been, and those hiccups I once saw as downfalls or weaknesses - those times when I fully admit I want something I don't have, that I'm envious, that there are times when all I am just doesn't make up for that one thing, are completely and totally normal. I am a million and one points of light, but only 9/10s of those lights are able to fully shine on the world around me and light my way at any given time. Sometimes the hiccup is that the light that would direct me best, was obscured by another that thought it knew better where I was headed.

It's Not Always Easy, Embracing The Positive Side Of Things

Possibility. That shit can be awesome, and it can be scary as hell. When you stop and really consider that every moment that is ahead of us is full of possibility, it's a little bit mind blowing. Not to mention a whole lot of nerve-racking.

I mean, if there is possibility, that essentially means that things could turn out either way. I've long associated the word 'possibility' with good things, but sometimes when you're at the precipice of change, it suddenly occurs to your frightened sense of self that things could go to shit in a heartbeat. It is definitely not the best use of energy to allow your mind to run wild with all the catastrophic scenarios, or heartbreaking scenes.

Despite the negative ramifications, it is human nature to initially experience a momentary grip of fear and uncertainty when faced with unknowns. We've evolved over time and become entrenched in routine and predictability. When we have a bad experience, anything that reminds us of that experience triggers that internal protective system. We guard ourselves against even the slightest twinge of familiar pain.

On those occasions when caution is thrown to the wind, the first few steps aren't without second guessing. Whether there is immediate push-back, or nothing but the sound of crickets, my mind goes absolutely nuts with what ifs. Second guessing is something of an art form with me. I drive myself batty analyzing everything I did, said, or inferred. Far too often for my liking, it takes me awhile to get control over my thought process and begin positive intervention.

I've been trained by life to expect the worst. I've been beaten, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Betrayal has been an underlying current, because I extend trust to people who are just waiting to abuse it. Despite all the work I've done to reach the even place I occupy most days, I'm still prone to those knee-jerk reactions, and it's still work to move beyond the doubt, and fear.

The moment my mind recognizes reason, the light slowly gets bigger, and those overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and incompetency fade away. I can move from how everything might go wrong, to what in my life is going right. Thoughts settle on moving passed things and people that consistently generate uncertainty, and finding ways to ground myself in the uplifting things life presents. There may always be a tendency to hesitate, but somewhere within is the motivation to keep moving on toward better things.

It has become more than evident to me that I cannot stop writing here. After a month of not taking the time to really contemplate the day, and find what made it worth weathering, I know that I benefitted greatly during last year. So much so that it is remarkable how quickly things snowball. I don't remember to reach for that silver lining as quickly, and I have allowed myself to fall further into negative thoughts than I'd like. It might not be on a daily basis, but I will be posting somewhat regularly here from now on.

Today started out like a pile of horse shit. I got a call from my mother that my grandmother was in the hospital. Nobody wants that phone call. To make it or to be on the receiving end. Without going into specifics, she is resting, and we will hopefully know more in the days to come. 

When the day begins like that, it is nearly impossible to avoid attracting more shit. The worry and stress, despite being hopeful and reminding yourself things always work out, are like a super magnet for every crappy thing out there. Now, I could lament about each and every hurdle I faced today, but the only helpful thing to do really, is acknowledge how much shit I didn't suck in to my immediate atmosphere. Just doing that - that one simple thing, opened the door for a few good things that made these past waking hours bearable. 

I was able to experience the love, appreciation and genuineness of women I have worked with, as I departed the salon for the last time as a stylist there. It is never easy to leave a job you love, particularly if you really enjoy the people you work beside. I have been so incredibly fortunate in that respect, and no amount of shit circumstance could ever keep me from seeing the wonderful impact they have had on my life. 

I've read that if you've been friends with someone for seven years, the friendship is destined to last a lifetime. My second amazing moment of the day, and thankfully not lost in all the stress, was just after going to pay for the balance of my son's car repairs. I have known the owner of the car dealership for some 15 years. I actually sat here in disbelief as I went back to the first time I cut his hair; 15 years! Crazy! We sat and talked for a bit with his girlfriend, and after I left he texted that he was just going to drop my son's car off to him at work. I don't know of any car dealers who would do that, so it is clear this is a nod to our friendship. That seemingly small gesture, literally made my night. Not to mention reaffirmed that I have more people of great value in my life than most people could hope for. 

That a colossally shitty day could turn around and I'd be sitting here smiling at these things, just proves I cannot live without thoughtful reflection. It's a challenge that doesn't end, and a lifestyle that requires consistency. To be more, to live more whole, and to produce an impact of good, I need to actively remind myself of the things that make my life exactly what I love.