Tonight I lost track of time and kept my poor son waiting outside of work for a ride home. I immediately felt intense parental guilt and totally owned my fuck-up. It was by no means intentional, as I might run a minute or two late, but I'm never seemingly MIA when my kids need me. Thank GAWD for Uber.
I definitely get sidetracked in life by various tasks, though tonight was a bit different. Of course, my kid was aware of the circumstances, and once he was reassured that I was fine and had not met some awful misfortune the intentional guilt-trip joking began. The good news is if he's poking fun at me and the situation he is completely fine with the fact that I kept him waiting for far longer than typical.
So just what had me so rapt that I lost track of time? The Red Sox, Big Papi and a set of entrancing bluish eyes. The second game in this series against the Yankees proved to move far more quickly than games I've watched in the past. Before I knew it, it was top of the 7th and I was 8 minutes overdue for my parental obligation to transport my child from work to home. Big Papi had just hit a homerun and the conversation swirled around this looking to be another big year for him. The entrancing, bluish eyes belong to this year's biggest surprise from the Universe. No, I'm not about to dish...at least not yet.
Just another testament to parenting done right, my son is sitting next to me on the couch, watching the last inning and a half of the game and has relented in his quest to heap on the guilt. Of course, I'm not sure how much of the game he's actually catching over the messages and snapchats that are blowing up his phone, but I'm not about to complain given my big miss of the evening.
No matter what the mistake I may make is, I have been blessed with children who are forgiving of my mistakes and fuck-ups because they know that I am never intending to affect their lives negatively. They are the reason I wake up every morning and put my best efforts toward whatever presents itself that day. Occasionally, I am reminded that even the most focused and dedicated of parents slips up and has to own their blunder. Far from allowing this to linger, I am choosing to see it as a challenge to do better and stay more on track with the parenting path I have been forging since my oldest son was born. And I'm fairly certain that I can do that and continue to be enthralled by intense, bluish eyes. I'm also pretty sure that my sons are more than okay with the reprieve my split focus has given them from the usual mom-isms and endless guidance.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Friday, April 29, 2016
I'm Far From The Best Example Of A Mom, But I Take My Role As Parent Seriously
I was asked recently — quite off-hand I'm sure — if I would share my secret to parenting so well. Given who posed this question, I simply said "I'm a hardass" and left it at that. It got me thinking, however. That was far from the first time I've been asked how I managed to raise two boys that are respectful, responsible and compassionate. So, looking at the past 20+ years I've been a mother, I had to ask myself 'what is it these people see?'
If there were ever a broken record, my insistence that the adage 'it takes a village' is true and that I have one hell of an amazing village would be it. There have been numerous influences on my sons' lives and while I'd love to take full credit for the young men they are today, the impact of those people and situations, as well as their own inner-selves have a lot to do with it. Not that I discount my parenting as a big part of what has shaped who they are today.
The number one thing that I see missing from many parenting roles when I look around today is consistency. Without consistency in their schedule, daily interactions, and overall expectation how can we expect children to make informed or beneficial choices? If they haven't first been taught these things, there is no way they can consistently grow in the right direction, regardless of what area of life. If we vacillate all over the place in what we say or do, or in what we expect from them, we appear unreliable and unpredictable. All that does is cause insecurity in our children because they never know what to expect. They cannot learn to distinguish appropriate from inappropriate if they cannot even count on their parents' behaviors and words.
Another big miss for far too many these days is follow through. Oh my word, I am absolutely flabbergasted at the complete lack of focus and sticktoitiveness that plagues so many parents. There is no way a child can learn limits, meet our expectations or understand what consequence is and what actions result in which outcomes if we cannot stand by our disciplinary actions and childrearing approaches. My mother used to say 'this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you' every time my sisters and I were grounded for some reason. I couldn't understand how on earth she thought that since we were the ones being punished for whatever we had done. Not until I had to institute the behavioral redirection that only grounding or revoked permission can affect. Standing by whatever discipline I doled out in the heat of the moment was almost impossible. Realizing that being reactionary didn't always result in the best 'punishment for the crime' outcome, I started buying myself time to consider the weight of what misstep or negative behavior was being addressed in order to come to the best corrective action.
Biting your tongue when your children do things that elicit instant anger and outrage is by far the toughest part of being a disciplinarian. Often times the shock of whatever my boys did or said had me wanting to ground them for eternity. Of course, that would never have worked, nor would it have ever suited 'the crime'. So, the parent being more pained than the child who has lost privileges became quite clear to me. I suddenly knew what my mother had meant. While my sons spared me the typical rebellion I remembered of boys I once knew, they managed to find themselves restricted from activities and games that they loved quite often growing up. And thankfully I managed to take my corrective efforts down a notch or two, coming closer to restrictions that better suited their infractions.
There's also the overlooked honesty factor. I have always been honest with my sons — barring the whole Easter Bunny, Santa, Tooth Fairy period. If they asked me a question, I gave an honest answer. When they upset me and knew it, I'd get the 'you don't love me' or 'you love my brother more than me' quips, to which I always responded 'I will always love you, but right now I'm not happy with your choices/actions/behavior' and 'I love you both equally, though in completely different ways'. In the early years of my divorce, I refrained from badmouthing my ex but did not lie about being upset or disagreeing with whatever he may have done or said in their presence. They asked me some difficult questions through the years, things most parents don't want to talk about, and they definitely shocked me more than a time or two. Honesty has always been the best approach, and though I may have altered my answers to be age appropriate, I never misled them in any way. If they can't trust their mother, to be honest with them, how will they be able to distinguish others for their trustworthiness or not?
Without consistency, follow-through, and honesty, it is next to impossible to raise children who become responsible, considerate, observant, trustworthy, kind and respectful adults. They are not likely to make the kind of decisions that keep them on the right path or be the partners to others that nurture and fortify healthy relationships. None of these things is easy to maintain, but in having children there were no guarantees of all fun and games with none of the work. My oldest son, who had a bad car accident recently, commented on how hard it must be for me to have to be the only one there all the time. My answer was that as long as I am alive I will always worry and be there for them. It is part of what I signed up for when I became a mother. Day or night, no matter how old they are, no matter where they are, I will be there for them. It may not always be in the way they think they need, but whatever I do, whatever capacity I support them in will always be in their best interest. I think he was somewhat surprised by the answer but reassured at the same time that just because he is now legally an adult, he doesn't have to go through the tough stuff alone.
Parenting doesn't get easier. We trade the scrapes, bruises and disappointments for grown-up hardships, decisions, and consequences. There will always be that parent-child dynamic, so long as we set up the best foundation to that relationship through consistent, reliable, honest boundaries and practice follow-through like their lives depend on it, because they truly do.
If there were ever a broken record, my insistence that the adage 'it takes a village' is true and that I have one hell of an amazing village would be it. There have been numerous influences on my sons' lives and while I'd love to take full credit for the young men they are today, the impact of those people and situations, as well as their own inner-selves have a lot to do with it. Not that I discount my parenting as a big part of what has shaped who they are today.
The number one thing that I see missing from many parenting roles when I look around today is consistency. Without consistency in their schedule, daily interactions, and overall expectation how can we expect children to make informed or beneficial choices? If they haven't first been taught these things, there is no way they can consistently grow in the right direction, regardless of what area of life. If we vacillate all over the place in what we say or do, or in what we expect from them, we appear unreliable and unpredictable. All that does is cause insecurity in our children because they never know what to expect. They cannot learn to distinguish appropriate from inappropriate if they cannot even count on their parents' behaviors and words.
Another big miss for far too many these days is follow through. Oh my word, I am absolutely flabbergasted at the complete lack of focus and sticktoitiveness that plagues so many parents. There is no way a child can learn limits, meet our expectations or understand what consequence is and what actions result in which outcomes if we cannot stand by our disciplinary actions and childrearing approaches. My mother used to say 'this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you' every time my sisters and I were grounded for some reason. I couldn't understand how on earth she thought that since we were the ones being punished for whatever we had done. Not until I had to institute the behavioral redirection that only grounding or revoked permission can affect. Standing by whatever discipline I doled out in the heat of the moment was almost impossible. Realizing that being reactionary didn't always result in the best 'punishment for the crime' outcome, I started buying myself time to consider the weight of what misstep or negative behavior was being addressed in order to come to the best corrective action.
Biting your tongue when your children do things that elicit instant anger and outrage is by far the toughest part of being a disciplinarian. Often times the shock of whatever my boys did or said had me wanting to ground them for eternity. Of course, that would never have worked, nor would it have ever suited 'the crime'. So, the parent being more pained than the child who has lost privileges became quite clear to me. I suddenly knew what my mother had meant. While my sons spared me the typical rebellion I remembered of boys I once knew, they managed to find themselves restricted from activities and games that they loved quite often growing up. And thankfully I managed to take my corrective efforts down a notch or two, coming closer to restrictions that better suited their infractions.
There's also the overlooked honesty factor. I have always been honest with my sons — barring the whole Easter Bunny, Santa, Tooth Fairy period. If they asked me a question, I gave an honest answer. When they upset me and knew it, I'd get the 'you don't love me' or 'you love my brother more than me' quips, to which I always responded 'I will always love you, but right now I'm not happy with your choices/actions/behavior' and 'I love you both equally, though in completely different ways'. In the early years of my divorce, I refrained from badmouthing my ex but did not lie about being upset or disagreeing with whatever he may have done or said in their presence. They asked me some difficult questions through the years, things most parents don't want to talk about, and they definitely shocked me more than a time or two. Honesty has always been the best approach, and though I may have altered my answers to be age appropriate, I never misled them in any way. If they can't trust their mother, to be honest with them, how will they be able to distinguish others for their trustworthiness or not?
Without consistency, follow-through, and honesty, it is next to impossible to raise children who become responsible, considerate, observant, trustworthy, kind and respectful adults. They are not likely to make the kind of decisions that keep them on the right path or be the partners to others that nurture and fortify healthy relationships. None of these things is easy to maintain, but in having children there were no guarantees of all fun and games with none of the work. My oldest son, who had a bad car accident recently, commented on how hard it must be for me to have to be the only one there all the time. My answer was that as long as I am alive I will always worry and be there for them. It is part of what I signed up for when I became a mother. Day or night, no matter how old they are, no matter where they are, I will be there for them. It may not always be in the way they think they need, but whatever I do, whatever capacity I support them in will always be in their best interest. I think he was somewhat surprised by the answer but reassured at the same time that just because he is now legally an adult, he doesn't have to go through the tough stuff alone.
Parenting doesn't get easier. We trade the scrapes, bruises and disappointments for grown-up hardships, decisions, and consequences. There will always be that parent-child dynamic, so long as we set up the best foundation to that relationship through consistent, reliable, honest boundaries and practice follow-through like their lives depend on it, because they truly do.
Loosen Your Grip On The Reigns Of Life Already
Plans are fantastic. I rather enjoy having an idea of what will be happening when I go out, go away or just attempt to balance the numerous commitments throughout the day. Understanding that plans aren't written in stone and things may not go the way you envision is important — specifically to your overall mood. When I make plans, it's just to have a roundabout idea of what I'm doing or will be doing, not a step-by-step itinerary of life. So when I say I'm a planner, all that really means is I prefer to have a general idea of what I'm about to walk into.
After years of getting irritable when things didn't go exactly as expected, it just made sense to leave that control freak side of myself behind. When I was focused on how things were supposed to go, I wasn't taking in how everything was actually playing out. I missed some seriously amazing shit along the way, all because I couldn't look past the idea I had created in my head. Life is far too fucking short to be missing out on any of it.
If I know there is something coming up that I want to do or attend, I make plans to do it or be there, but that's it. There are no well-thought out scenarios of the day that threaten my enjoyment of whatever possible happenings might occur. No disappointment when the events of the day veer off from that preset mental timeline. I show up and the rest is up to the Universe do the rest.
After years of getting irritable when things didn't go exactly as expected, it just made sense to leave that control freak side of myself behind. When I was focused on how things were supposed to go, I wasn't taking in how everything was actually playing out. I missed some seriously amazing shit along the way, all because I couldn't look past the idea I had created in my head. Life is far too fucking short to be missing out on any of it.
If I know there is something coming up that I want to do or attend, I make plans to do it or be there, but that's it. There are no well-thought out scenarios of the day that threaten my enjoyment of whatever possible happenings might occur. No disappointment when the events of the day veer off from that preset mental timeline. I show up and the rest is up to the Universe do the rest.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Case Of The Jitters? Own That Shit!
Experiencing elevated emotions from the typical norm? Embrace that shit! I mean, unless it's something dire, in which case, please reach out for help. What I'm more or less referring to are the slightly more present feelings of nervousness, excitement, giddiness and something akin to self-doubt. If you're facing a situation that has caused any of these to get kicked up a notch, it usually means change is around the corner.
That change might be small, but if you're getting butterflies about it, reign in your focus and ride it out for all it's worth. If you're lucky, you'll get to experience this breaks from the everyday often throughout life. For me, they just alert me to the fact that I've been going along my path without really being present. At least not as present as I am when something different catches my attention.
There is usually an opportunity in those moments when we are uncertain or just plain excited to see life a little more positively. To recognize that something you've been working toward is paying off, or someone you've met can add something you've been missing to your existence. We never really know where our choices will lead us, but times when we feel unusual from what is normal for us, are often cues to pay attention and get ready for something new.
Shying away from anything that gives us a case of the jitters can mean we miss out on that one thing that would have pushed us out of our humdrum or beyond a plateau. By all means, we should always pay attention to situations that could hold detriment and strife, but most of the time we can tell the not so good from the potential wins. Think of these things as your body and soul's way of saying you're on the right track, keep going!
That change might be small, but if you're getting butterflies about it, reign in your focus and ride it out for all it's worth. If you're lucky, you'll get to experience this breaks from the everyday often throughout life. For me, they just alert me to the fact that I've been going along my path without really being present. At least not as present as I am when something different catches my attention.
There is usually an opportunity in those moments when we are uncertain or just plain excited to see life a little more positively. To recognize that something you've been working toward is paying off, or someone you've met can add something you've been missing to your existence. We never really know where our choices will lead us, but times when we feel unusual from what is normal for us, are often cues to pay attention and get ready for something new.
Shying away from anything that gives us a case of the jitters can mean we miss out on that one thing that would have pushed us out of our humdrum or beyond a plateau. By all means, we should always pay attention to situations that could hold detriment and strife, but most of the time we can tell the not so good from the potential wins. Think of these things as your body and soul's way of saying you're on the right track, keep going!
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Stay Open To Changes
PNo matter what you're working on or working towards, finality is somewhat subjective. Given enough time and thought, there is usually a thing or two that we change, improve or seek to add to whatever quest we find ourselves on. This is actually a good thing. At least as far as I'm concerned.
Regardless of where I think I'm headed, things pop up here and there that alter my trajectory. Ideas occur to me that change my thinking and lead me to make choices I might otherwise have skipped past. I am open to this all because the day to day of living is supposed to present options. Life would be oh-so-hum-drum-boring without choices.
I've narrowed in on my book topic and have crafted a solid point from which to herald the message. Since that occurred, I have come to recognize that there are aspects I overlooked initially and would benefit from including. Opposing ideas and positions have also added an element that I need to explore further. While a month ago I felt I had finalized the general theme, the past few days have revealed far more possibilities if I follow the path these things offer.
Regardless of where I think I'm headed, things pop up here and there that alter my trajectory. Ideas occur to me that change my thinking and lead me to make choices I might otherwise have skipped past. I am open to this all because the day to day of living is supposed to present options. Life would be oh-so-hum-drum-boring without choices.
I've narrowed in on my book topic and have crafted a solid point from which to herald the message. Since that occurred, I have come to recognize that there are aspects I overlooked initially and would benefit from including. Opposing ideas and positions have also added an element that I need to explore further. While a month ago I felt I had finalized the general theme, the past few days have revealed far more possibilities if I follow the path these things offer.
A far more diversified presentation of a topic I feel intensely about means more work, but it's work that I know will pay off in the end. A more solid foundation from which to tell the story from. I'm all in for that.
Monday, April 25, 2016
I Don't Ever Want To Experience That Fear Again
I am typically an understanding individual. When it comes to my kids, however, I have a hard time being objective. Particularly when someone or something affects them and/or their well-being.
In emergency situations, I'm pretty level-headed. I have my freak-out/meltdown session after everything is under control. Today, I was driving my youngest son home from school and we happened upon an accident that Riley immediately identified one of the vehicles as his older brother's. Panic immediately overtook my mind as I scanned the damage to his front end. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I saw Brayden stand up out of the driver seat and wave me down and exhaled loudly. Relief washed over me as I realized he was okay enough to stand. He didn't appear to be bleeding that I could see as I navigated through cars to circle around and park on a nearby side street. I rushed up to where he stood and got a closer look at the damage to his car.
In true mom-like fashion, I pointed to the sidewalk with one hand and started directing him with the other, as I told him to go sit down. I made sure he was coherent and took pictures of the car. I found myself dumbfounded and grateful that he wasn't hurt. He was stopped and waiting to turn onto another street when he was rear-ended, the force of the impact pushed him into the oncoming traffic he was waiting to pass, and struck again in the front fender. I am still in awe that he wasn't hurt as both vehicles were going at least 35mph. He was shaken up and dazed for sure, and I have no doubt he will be feeling every ounce of the impacts his car suffered tomorrow, but he is in one piece. So very thankful he is in one-piece.
I felt bad for the young woman who caused the accident. She was also visibly shaken up and crying. One of her two dogs had jumped into the front seat and down around her feet, distracting her. I'm not even sure she hit the brakes. The oncoming vehicle had two children in the backseat who where screaming after the impact, my son told me. In all three vehicles, no one walked away with injuries; even the dogs were fine. Everyone was rattled, but no one was hurt. As I sit here writing this, it is hard to wrap my head around. The Universe was clearly operating at frequencies that protected or buffered each of these people from serious harm. Call it what you will, but it's all the same in the end. Everyone remained intact in an accident that typically produces injuries.
I'm going to go sip my bourbon and let that really sink in. My son's car is totaled, but he is whole. My heart couldn't be more grateful.
In emergency situations, I'm pretty level-headed. I have my freak-out/meltdown session after everything is under control. Today, I was driving my youngest son home from school and we happened upon an accident that Riley immediately identified one of the vehicles as his older brother's. Panic immediately overtook my mind as I scanned the damage to his front end. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until I saw Brayden stand up out of the driver seat and wave me down and exhaled loudly. Relief washed over me as I realized he was okay enough to stand. He didn't appear to be bleeding that I could see as I navigated through cars to circle around and park on a nearby side street. I rushed up to where he stood and got a closer look at the damage to his car.
In true mom-like fashion, I pointed to the sidewalk with one hand and started directing him with the other, as I told him to go sit down. I made sure he was coherent and took pictures of the car. I found myself dumbfounded and grateful that he wasn't hurt. He was stopped and waiting to turn onto another street when he was rear-ended, the force of the impact pushed him into the oncoming traffic he was waiting to pass, and struck again in the front fender. I am still in awe that he wasn't hurt as both vehicles were going at least 35mph. He was shaken up and dazed for sure, and I have no doubt he will be feeling every ounce of the impacts his car suffered tomorrow, but he is in one piece. So very thankful he is in one-piece.
I felt bad for the young woman who caused the accident. She was also visibly shaken up and crying. One of her two dogs had jumped into the front seat and down around her feet, distracting her. I'm not even sure she hit the brakes. The oncoming vehicle had two children in the backseat who where screaming after the impact, my son told me. In all three vehicles, no one walked away with injuries; even the dogs were fine. Everyone was rattled, but no one was hurt. As I sit here writing this, it is hard to wrap my head around. The Universe was clearly operating at frequencies that protected or buffered each of these people from serious harm. Call it what you will, but it's all the same in the end. Everyone remained intact in an accident that typically produces injuries.
I'm going to go sip my bourbon and let that really sink in. My son's car is totaled, but he is whole. My heart couldn't be more grateful.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
You Might Think It, You Might Feel It, But It's Not Always The Right Time To Express It
The past couple of days I haven't done as well handling the uprising of particular emotions as well as I might like to have. I have allowed certain situations, that don't directly affect me to stir up my insides and spill over into expressions far stronger than I should have allowed. This has taken away from the support I should have been giving to someone who was leaning on me. While my feelings were not thrust at this person, I feel as though their abrupt presence took something away that could have been beneficial.
There are times, particularly when people I care about are greatly affected by situations that arise, that I jumped to a defensive stance on their behalf. The protective concern isn't the problem, it's the initial reaction to whatever the person I care about is confiding in me about that throws the would-be positive environment into a churning pot of strong emotions. The whole idea about being a listening ear is to listen without judgment or intense reactions. Just because I feel strongly doesn't mean I have to make those feelings known right then and there.
Without a doubt, I have my work cut out for me in this area. I'm willing to make the changes because the people who trust me to listen continue to open up to me despite any previous failings. It is more than okay to have deep, even visceral responses to things that should definitely move us in a specific way, but reserving them for a later time is best when your first objective is to listen.
I have always had a tendency to the more reactionary when it comes to what affects my friends and family. Whether it comes from the heart or not, it isn't always the best first reaction to verbally vomit — emphatically what my thoughts are on what I've just been told. Sharing isn't a bad thing, but the timing of and volume at which we share is. Biting my tongue for the sake of allowing someone else to work through their own thoughts and feelings about something is truly the best way to be there for someone I care about. There will be time enough to expand on things, but initially, the person who needs to talk should be allowed to do so without a bombardment of energetic agreement or outrage tossed back in their direction before they are finished unloading.
It appears I have a new project of self to focus my energies on. Growth is always the favored path. My loved ones —not to mention my own self, deserve the best version of me I can put forth, and with every stride to curb negative behaviors, I'm giving us all just that.
There are times, particularly when people I care about are greatly affected by situations that arise, that I jumped to a defensive stance on their behalf. The protective concern isn't the problem, it's the initial reaction to whatever the person I care about is confiding in me about that throws the would-be positive environment into a churning pot of strong emotions. The whole idea about being a listening ear is to listen without judgment or intense reactions. Just because I feel strongly doesn't mean I have to make those feelings known right then and there.
Without a doubt, I have my work cut out for me in this area. I'm willing to make the changes because the people who trust me to listen continue to open up to me despite any previous failings. It is more than okay to have deep, even visceral responses to things that should definitely move us in a specific way, but reserving them for a later time is best when your first objective is to listen.
I have always had a tendency to the more reactionary when it comes to what affects my friends and family. Whether it comes from the heart or not, it isn't always the best first reaction to verbally vomit — emphatically what my thoughts are on what I've just been told. Sharing isn't a bad thing, but the timing of and volume at which we share is. Biting my tongue for the sake of allowing someone else to work through their own thoughts and feelings about something is truly the best way to be there for someone I care about. There will be time enough to expand on things, but initially, the person who needs to talk should be allowed to do so without a bombardment of energetic agreement or outrage tossed back in their direction before they are finished unloading.
It appears I have a new project of self to focus my energies on. Growth is always the favored path. My loved ones —not to mention my own self, deserve the best version of me I can put forth, and with every stride to curb negative behaviors, I'm giving us all just that.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Embracing The Wonder Of It All
There is no denying I'm near exhaustion after the past two days of driving. There was quite a bit to absorb and digest regarding the last 8 days, though I'm happy to have experienced all of it. No matter how tired I may be or how much I may have missed while I was away, I couldn't possibly regret taking time out of my routine-based life to do something like take a road trip with my youngest son.
I will say that coming home and seeing my oldest son after not having seen him in 8 long days was just as gratifying. I love both of my sons more than life itself, so it really isn't surprising to me (no matter how foreign the concept may seem to them) that I don't tire of their company and am elated to see them when days have passed away from them. They aren't little the energy and life suckers that they were early in life. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved them, but these days I enjoy their company far more because they are (for the most part) independent. Time with them now is time spent getting to know who they are becoming, and not so much about making sure all their needs are met every minute of the day.
Mother of the year I am not, nor do I ever aspire to be. I use foul language in my interactions and conversations with my kids and have zero issues with them articulating themselves similarly. The bond we have isn't something either of them would willingly admit to someone, but it is evident in all of the actions, specifically those pertaining to their brother or myself. I am beyond proud of each of these men I have raised. While I may insist on referring to them as boys, they have long left that stage of life behind.
Life has presented me with more opportunities to bond and build relationships with my children than I could ever have hoped to be able to take advantage of. I don't plan on wasting any of those possibility-infused moments, no matter how much either of them feigns disgust or impatience. Some day they will be able to look back on these times as fondly as I will, and we can all reap the rewards of those strong bonds between us.
It's good to be home and surrounding myself with these new experiences and memories. Life is full, it is wonderous and I cannot imagine being anywhere else than I am right now. Home is where both of my children are, everywhere else is just icing on the cake.
I will say that coming home and seeing my oldest son after not having seen him in 8 long days was just as gratifying. I love both of my sons more than life itself, so it really isn't surprising to me (no matter how foreign the concept may seem to them) that I don't tire of their company and am elated to see them when days have passed away from them. They aren't little the energy and life suckers that they were early in life. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved them, but these days I enjoy their company far more because they are (for the most part) independent. Time with them now is time spent getting to know who they are becoming, and not so much about making sure all their needs are met every minute of the day.
Mother of the year I am not, nor do I ever aspire to be. I use foul language in my interactions and conversations with my kids and have zero issues with them articulating themselves similarly. The bond we have isn't something either of them would willingly admit to someone, but it is evident in all of the actions, specifically those pertaining to their brother or myself. I am beyond proud of each of these men I have raised. While I may insist on referring to them as boys, they have long left that stage of life behind.
Life has presented me with more opportunities to bond and build relationships with my children than I could ever have hoped to be able to take advantage of. I don't plan on wasting any of those possibility-infused moments, no matter how much either of them feigns disgust or impatience. Some day they will be able to look back on these times as fondly as I will, and we can all reap the rewards of those strong bonds between us.
It's good to be home and surrounding myself with these new experiences and memories. Life is full, it is wonderous and I cannot imagine being anywhere else than I am right now. Home is where both of my children are, everywhere else is just icing on the cake.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Conversations That Might Otherwise Never Come About
Being stuck in a car with another person for twelve hours can make for an interesting time. Close quarters can certainly cause discontent and friction, particularly if outside elements factor in. Traffic, stressful driving situations and inclement weather challenge even the most even-tempered of us. Long trips like this also give people the opportunity to delve deeper into conversations they might otherwise skim over or avoid altogether.
Given this trip was centered around college visits, my son and I discussed his future and how what he does in his present, and near future will set up the path to where he wants to be when he graduates college. It was an honest talk that brought out my blunt side, and as much as he wanted to tune me out, he stayed engaged. With a little bit of time and distance, I have little doubt he will do what needs to be done to ensure he stays his path and succeeds. It is tough realizing that my window for advice and guidance is slowly closing with respect to this part of his life. Even more difficult to curb the urge to bombard him with every piece of knowledge and direction I have amassed in life.
On the flip side of this is the fact that we were even able to have such a deep and meaningful conversation, as parents and teens don't often practice constructive communication. I do believe that despite his fruatrations with me he sees that I have hisnbeatbintereats in mind and knows that there is credence to my words. There will never be another opportunity where he will be so receptive at this point in his life - something I am keenly aware of. With that in mind, I have had to fine tune my usual enthusiastic (read fanatical parental) delivery.
Intermixed in the serious-type discussions have been goofy moments singing songs and snapchatting things along our way. I think he's gained a bit more admiration toward me when it comes to driving, as he has frequently asked how I can be behind the wheel for such long stretches of time. I've opened up a bit more about my life before he and his brother; something he has remarked that I haven't done often in his life. I suppose that's something I should rectify before neither of the boys is interested.
I just had a request to have another conversation because it passes this time, so I will stop for the night and accommodate my child's wish.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
I'm Not A Fan Of Goodbyes, But I Know It Isn't Forever
I'm at a loss this evening. Trying to choose a topic for this post. The obvious subject would be leaving my friends and heading home, knowing it will be some time before we get to spend time together again, but frankly, I'm feeling pretty sad about that. I've had a fantastic time and I don't want to focus on the not so awesome stuff.
I suppose that friendship in general is a good place to start. While I have said it many times before, I am always aware and appreciative of the friendships I have experienced in my life. People come into our lives for any number of reasons, and one would hope that we are able to see the contributions that these people can make in our lives, as well as the impact we can have on others' lives. I am grateful for the lessons and the memories each friend has brought into my world, particularly those who are still a part of it.
I love that there are a handful of people who, no matter how much time has passed, will always be able to pick up where we left off. There is never awkward silences or pauses to find something more to say. It's essentially easy to find the groove of what once was the theme of interactions, and that is the best evidence that the roots of a friendship run deep. A few of my high school friends will always be a big part of my life. They, like me, have made an effort to use social media to an advantage and stay in touch. We interact via the cyber world because distance keeps us apart, but the interactions have the depth of the relationship we forged all those years ago.
When I am able to get face time with these people, it's great! The past week I got to reconnect with an amazing person and long-time friend in between college visits with my son. What is even better is my son was able to take part in this 'reunion' of sorts, adding another element to our friendship. I was able to get to know her cousin and godson and that gave the experience extra dimension. Memories were certainly made this week, all of the treasurable kind. Thank you Alaina, T, Johnny and John. Riley and I had a fantastic time and you all made us feel welcome.
I suppose that friendship in general is a good place to start. While I have said it many times before, I am always aware and appreciative of the friendships I have experienced in my life. People come into our lives for any number of reasons, and one would hope that we are able to see the contributions that these people can make in our lives, as well as the impact we can have on others' lives. I am grateful for the lessons and the memories each friend has brought into my world, particularly those who are still a part of it.
I love that there are a handful of people who, no matter how much time has passed, will always be able to pick up where we left off. There is never awkward silences or pauses to find something more to say. It's essentially easy to find the groove of what once was the theme of interactions, and that is the best evidence that the roots of a friendship run deep. A few of my high school friends will always be a big part of my life. They, like me, have made an effort to use social media to an advantage and stay in touch. We interact via the cyber world because distance keeps us apart, but the interactions have the depth of the relationship we forged all those years ago.
When I am able to get face time with these people, it's great! The past week I got to reconnect with an amazing person and long-time friend in between college visits with my son. What is even better is my son was able to take part in this 'reunion' of sorts, adding another element to our friendship. I was able to get to know her cousin and godson and that gave the experience extra dimension. Memories were certainly made this week, all of the treasurable kind. Thank you Alaina, T, Johnny and John. Riley and I had a fantastic time and you all made us feel welcome.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
It Isn't Always Easy, But Making Choices Has To Be Done
When things fall into place, I find I need to just sit back a moment or two and appreciate the amazement of it all. I've been doing that a lot lately. Especially after I realize that I need to change directions or relationships or my concentration of efforts just aren't working for me. Once I take the first step and make the changes that need to be made, things start to fall into place and I can let go of whatever I might have been lugging around with me.
There are so many things that become possible when we change what isn't working. Just having the wherewithal to do something about whatever is stalling your progression toward a goal on just along your life path is incredible. Being able to see those first moments when doing what was more than likely difficult leads to the beginning of new things that work — that's the sort of thing we should file away to remind us why we sometimes need to make hard decisions.
I have no idea how the future will play out, but I do know that everything I do and everyone I come in contact with points me in the direction I am supposed to travel. Whether I go that way because I split off from the direction I was going with someone else, or I choose to join with someone else, it's all relative to happiness.
I don't make only the easy choice, I do what needs to be done because the only person responsible for my happy life is me.
There are so many things that become possible when we change what isn't working. Just having the wherewithal to do something about whatever is stalling your progression toward a goal on just along your life path is incredible. Being able to see those first moments when doing what was more than likely difficult leads to the beginning of new things that work — that's the sort of thing we should file away to remind us why we sometimes need to make hard decisions.
I have no idea how the future will play out, but I do know that everything I do and everyone I come in contact with points me in the direction I am supposed to travel. Whether I go that way because I split off from the direction I was going with someone else, or I choose to join with someone else, it's all relative to happiness.
I don't make only the easy choice, I do what needs to be done because the only person responsible for my happy life is me.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Continuing Education, A World Of Possibilities And Adventures To Remember
Sun, sand, a few conference calls and a fantastic dinner have rounded out a memorable day. I spent time getting things done with work, soaking in some vitamin D and getting an ample amount of QT with good friends I don't get to see often. Much as I wish every day could be like this, I know I appreciate it more because it isn't common place.
My homebody kid has finally loosened up and appears to be making the most of his time with me and away from home. We head to Savannah in the morning with the intent to tour SCAD and spend the day in the historic district. I love that he has seen so many new places this trip, even if he would prefer to have flown. Had we chosen to fly, we wouldn't have been able to visit more than one school, so he's set aside his lack of enthusiasm for road trips.
A life of possibilities is something we all have in front of us, but if we aren't open to the potential of opportunities, it isn't surprising we will fail to recognize that we do have choices. As a parent, all I have ever wanted was for my sons to see their potential and realize they can do whatever they allow themselves to believe they can do. If they work hard enough, put their heart and soul into what they want and stick to the path that will take them to their goal they will achieve anything they set their minds to. I have invested the past 20+ years in that particular goal and seeing where each of my sons are at in life, I know I've been on the right path. They believe in possibility, they are willing to risk failure to try and reach for their dreams and they have faith in themselves. There is nothing better than seeing them soar.
I couldn't be more happy, more proud or more inspired than I am right now. Life just keeps getting better and I have no intention of letting that fade away. If the adventure calls, answer it with a 'Hell Fucking Yes'!
My homebody kid has finally loosened up and appears to be making the most of his time with me and away from home. We head to Savannah in the morning with the intent to tour SCAD and spend the day in the historic district. I love that he has seen so many new places this trip, even if he would prefer to have flown. Had we chosen to fly, we wouldn't have been able to visit more than one school, so he's set aside his lack of enthusiasm for road trips.
A life of possibilities is something we all have in front of us, but if we aren't open to the potential of opportunities, it isn't surprising we will fail to recognize that we do have choices. As a parent, all I have ever wanted was for my sons to see their potential and realize they can do whatever they allow themselves to believe they can do. If they work hard enough, put their heart and soul into what they want and stick to the path that will take them to their goal they will achieve anything they set their minds to. I have invested the past 20+ years in that particular goal and seeing where each of my sons are at in life, I know I've been on the right path. They believe in possibility, they are willing to risk failure to try and reach for their dreams and they have faith in themselves. There is nothing better than seeing them soar.
I couldn't be more happy, more proud or more inspired than I am right now. Life just keeps getting better and I have no intention of letting that fade away. If the adventure calls, answer it with a 'Hell Fucking Yes'!
Monday, April 18, 2016
A Walking, Talking Trip Into Days Long Gone By
History is vital to my sense of self. The past holds so many things; lessons, memories, defining moments, emotions that range from mournful to elation, and perspective. Without history, there would be no place to make decisions from, particularly those I've encountered before and learned something from.
I'm always intrigued by history. Knowing how things were before, how something or someone got their start, being able to learn from the missteps of those before us — how could anyone ever not be fascinated by the past? It is one of the reasons I could sit and talk with older people for hours. The stories they tell have the kind of history you can't find in books.
Looking at photos, watching the far off look in their eyes as they remember the details of a particular moment and hearing the emotions the stories bring back in their voices, those are the things that make history come alive. Even if I'm not having a direct conversation with someone who lived the history, it is still just as fascinating. There's even a bonus element when the history is being told by someone who studied it, but didn't live it. They exude a passion that only comes from someone who is enamored by the tales, lineage and bits of past that make up the story.
Tonight, we go on a ghost tour, and while I am not someone who believes in ghosts, I do enjoy history. The farther the stories reach back in time, the more rapt I become. Looking forward to learning a little while being entertained even more.
I'm always intrigued by history. Knowing how things were before, how something or someone got their start, being able to learn from the missteps of those before us — how could anyone ever not be fascinated by the past? It is one of the reasons I could sit and talk with older people for hours. The stories they tell have the kind of history you can't find in books.
Looking at photos, watching the far off look in their eyes as they remember the details of a particular moment and hearing the emotions the stories bring back in their voices, those are the things that make history come alive. Even if I'm not having a direct conversation with someone who lived the history, it is still just as fascinating. There's even a bonus element when the history is being told by someone who studied it, but didn't live it. They exude a passion that only comes from someone who is enamored by the tales, lineage and bits of past that make up the story.
Tonight, we go on a ghost tour, and while I am not someone who believes in ghosts, I do enjoy history. The farther the stories reach back in time, the more rapt I become. Looking forward to learning a little while being entertained even more.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
If Everything Always Went The Way We Planned, We Would Always Know The Ending Before It Happened
Flexibility is part of the foundation of happiness. If you are able to go with the flow, you are far more likely to keep an even attitude and positive outlook, leading to a much happier existence. Fight the unexpected and any opportunity at enjoying life quickly disappears.
I try not to plan out every minute, particularly on vacations. Things have a way of not going according to plan, and honestly, if you plan things from the start to the end it doesn't leave time to venture off the path and explore the possibilities that just happen to present themselves without much notice. Sometimes the best things happen when we least expect them. I rather like surprises the Universe sends my way, and if I'm too rigid in my plans, I'll miss some really good shit.
I forget that spontaneity was something I had to work at. Strange as that may sound, I had to set aside times that I didn't fill with things, so that I was free to take on the unexpected if it happened to come around. I didn't like it, because knowing what to expect was safer than risking all the potential negatives of surprises. So when my son has a tough time embracing things out of his comfort zone or that go against a previous plan, I have to step back and remember what it was like. It's actually kind of exhausting letting the unexpected stress you out.
It isn't always easy to remain flexible in the face of disappointing changes, but the more often you keep your options somewhat open, the less stress you will feel. When you are relaxed, you're far more likely to attract good things than bad. Life rarely goes according to what we plan and being open is definitely the best way to make the most of change, surprise and random moments.
I try not to plan out every minute, particularly on vacations. Things have a way of not going according to plan, and honestly, if you plan things from the start to the end it doesn't leave time to venture off the path and explore the possibilities that just happen to present themselves without much notice. Sometimes the best things happen when we least expect them. I rather like surprises the Universe sends my way, and if I'm too rigid in my plans, I'll miss some really good shit.
I forget that spontaneity was something I had to work at. Strange as that may sound, I had to set aside times that I didn't fill with things, so that I was free to take on the unexpected if it happened to come around. I didn't like it, because knowing what to expect was safer than risking all the potential negatives of surprises. So when my son has a tough time embracing things out of his comfort zone or that go against a previous plan, I have to step back and remember what it was like. It's actually kind of exhausting letting the unexpected stress you out.
It isn't always easy to remain flexible in the face of disappointing changes, but the more often you keep your options somewhat open, the less stress you will feel. When you are relaxed, you're far more likely to attract good things than bad. Life rarely goes according to what we plan and being open is definitely the best way to make the most of change, surprise and random moments.
Saturday, April 16, 2016
I Like MY Things, Yes I'm Really Particular
Creature comforts are something I don't often think much about. My things are really just items I've grown accustomed to, but when I am away from them or do not have use of them, even similar options just feel odd. These are the things that remind me how spoiled, fortunate and privileged I really am overall.
Working out while traveling doesn't hold the same zeal for me that it does when I work out at home. All my equipment is home, so the energy and motivation to get off my butt and get my sweat on are easy to come by. Contending with a lack of comfort in surroundings and in equipment available can definitely affect a 'get it done' attitude significantly.
The exercise room at this hotel is small and limited, which does not meet my needs. I thankfully brought a pair of dumbbells and have my laptop to stream my workouts on BOD (Beachbody on Demand), and our room has a decent amount of open space, so I kind of pity whoever is in the room below us in the morning. Tomorrow is cardio and this girl will be hitting it as soon as I wake up. I can't start my day any other way — no matter how tough it is to get moving when I'm traveling.
A good night's sleep and starting the day off with a jolt of cardio-induced energy will hopefully stave off the allergen effects of the pollen in the air so I can enjoy a day at the beach with Riley, Alaina, T and the rest of the gang! Looking forward to avoiding jellyfish while we take in the views and spend time with grade A people :)
Working out while traveling doesn't hold the same zeal for me that it does when I work out at home. All my equipment is home, so the energy and motivation to get off my butt and get my sweat on are easy to come by. Contending with a lack of comfort in surroundings and in equipment available can definitely affect a 'get it done' attitude significantly.
The exercise room at this hotel is small and limited, which does not meet my needs. I thankfully brought a pair of dumbbells and have my laptop to stream my workouts on BOD (Beachbody on Demand), and our room has a decent amount of open space, so I kind of pity whoever is in the room below us in the morning. Tomorrow is cardio and this girl will be hitting it as soon as I wake up. I can't start my day any other way — no matter how tough it is to get moving when I'm traveling.
A good night's sleep and starting the day off with a jolt of cardio-induced energy will hopefully stave off the allergen effects of the pollen in the air so I can enjoy a day at the beach with Riley, Alaina, T and the rest of the gang! Looking forward to avoiding jellyfish while we take in the views and spend time with grade A people :)
College Tours, Long Distance Driving, And Attitudes
I've got a homebody for a son. He is so resistant to traveling, no matter how we choose to get where we are going. This can cause some friction because he doesn't even try to hide his negative emotions about it.
The first 6 hours of driving went well, I'm part because he wasn't thinking about anything except touring Temple U. The tour was great - though I've never been on a campus tour , so I have no real point of reference. The teen seemed to be both entranced and overwhelmed all at the same time. Without hesitation, he put this school at the top of his list.
The second 6 hours of driving weren't so enjoyable. From bumper-to-bumper stretches to overall frustration with one another, this was the downside of road tripping with a kid who hates travel. Thankfully, we managed to stave off an all-out war and made it to the hotel, too tired to argue about anything.
As much as he has said he doesn't want to drive like this, I know he will be grateful we made the trek and he got to experience campuses of schools he's considering when it comes time to make the decision of where he will go. He will also be thankful for seeing so much more of the East Coast than a number of kids his age. As for me, I will treasure the memories of spending an entire week with my youngest child, taking in the possibilities of his future education. Even if he's nit-picky and complains a lot ;)
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Road Trip Excitement
Short and sweet tonight. Packing is nearly complete and Riley and I are ready to hit the road tomorrow morning. I'm excited, and being a mother, nervous all at the same time. I'm leaving one child behind, and despite the fact that he is an adult, it is still only the second time in his life that I have ever been away this long. I know, I know, I'd better get used to it fast because he will likely be spreading his wings and flying the coop at some point soon. I'm just fortunate that I've had him stay this long.
There are other reasons the length of this trip will wear on me by the end, though I have no doubts that will be somewhat minimized by my time with some amazing friends. There will not be much time for reflecting since our days are packed to the minute with adventurous outings, and for that I am quite thankful. There are always things and people that are missed when you go away, but the experiences you can add to your life actually make coming back so much more meaningful.
I'm less than 800 words from my 4,000-word count goal this week and I plan to exceed it tonight. The posts for the next nine days will be relatively short and sweet, but the will happen. The warmer weather will undoubtedly tire this old gal out, and I am looking forward to every single second of it! Early to bed and early to rise, I may not be wealthy, but I'm healthy and every day I'm getting increasingly wise.
There are other reasons the length of this trip will wear on me by the end, though I have no doubts that will be somewhat minimized by my time with some amazing friends. There will not be much time for reflecting since our days are packed to the minute with adventurous outings, and for that I am quite thankful. There are always things and people that are missed when you go away, but the experiences you can add to your life actually make coming back so much more meaningful.
I'm less than 800 words from my 4,000-word count goal this week and I plan to exceed it tonight. The posts for the next nine days will be relatively short and sweet, but the will happen. The warmer weather will undoubtedly tire this old gal out, and I am looking forward to every single second of it! Early to bed and early to rise, I may not be wealthy, but I'm healthy and every day I'm getting increasingly wise.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
I'm Not Picky, I Would Love To Eat ANYTHING On The Menu
When you can eat whatever you want without suffering consequences, you should be thankful and not raise and eyebrow in disbelief when someone you know can't do the same. Food allergies and sensitivities are real and they impact the lives of people who suffer with them greatly. The last thing people who have had to modify their food consumption need or want is for someone else to either make light of their plight, or insinuate that it's akin to hypochondria.
It's not about being a picky eater; when food causing pain, discomfort and fatigue it affects the quality of life you live. Socially you withdraw, you lose the energy or drive to be active. It's too much work to go out with friends or loved ones to bond over dinner somewhere because every outing is the same — you have to divulge your issues to the waitstaff and bit your lip waiting to find out if there's even anything on the menu you can eat. All the while you feel as though everyone is exasperated by you and your food issues. And holiday gatherings or potlucks? Ha! You'd sooner eat before going somewhere then have to ask everyone what is in their dish.
I would love nothing more than to go to a restaurant and have the only thought that crosses my mind when I'm looking over the menu, is what I want and not what can I possibly have or what looks safe. I'd love to go to a gathering where there's lots of food and just pick up a plate and go for it. It would be great to not have to explain my food issues to every new person I meet, giving the impression I'm high-maintenance. Yeah, I'd love to go back to the days when I could eat anything and never feel bloated, tired, nauseous or in excruciating pain.
The bitch of it is that when you develop food allergies and sensitivities when you're older, you tend to develop more than one. It's, at least in my experience, something that just seems to multiply. After years of dealing with it, I don't worry so much about how it may seem to others, but I do bristle when someone says 'what aren't you allergic to' or 'what can you eat'. It's just insensitive. Frankly, I wish more people could take a moment to comprehend the impact of their words. Not just with this issue, but everything.
I'm not going to suck it up and eat what I know will cause me grief and a week's worth of hell just to avoid someone else's irritation when I explain that I can't eat xyz. I suppose that part of having to watch what I eat is having to tolerate a lack of understanding from some people. I am thankful that most of the people in my life aren't quick to judge me and take my dietary limitations seriously — never making me feel bad about it. I just hope that someday, when we finally realize that our food has been tampered with to the point that it is causing all these allergies and sensitivities and do something about it. We will stop trying to make those people who can't eat whatever is set in front of them feel awkward or envious. Maybe one day we will even be able to reverse the damage that has been done and people will be able to enjoy foods that they haven't been able to eat without fear of pain or discomfort. I'm hopeful that day may come.
The bitch of it is that when you develop food allergies and sensitivities when you're older, you tend to develop more than one. It's, at least in my experience, something that just seems to multiply. After years of dealing with it, I don't worry so much about how it may seem to others, but I do bristle when someone says 'what aren't you allergic to' or 'what can you eat'. It's just insensitive. Frankly, I wish more people could take a moment to comprehend the impact of their words. Not just with this issue, but everything.
I'm not going to suck it up and eat what I know will cause me grief and a week's worth of hell just to avoid someone else's irritation when I explain that I can't eat xyz. I suppose that part of having to watch what I eat is having to tolerate a lack of understanding from some people. I am thankful that most of the people in my life aren't quick to judge me and take my dietary limitations seriously — never making me feel bad about it. I just hope that someday, when we finally realize that our food has been tampered with to the point that it is causing all these allergies and sensitivities and do something about it. We will stop trying to make those people who can't eat whatever is set in front of them feel awkward or envious. Maybe one day we will even be able to reverse the damage that has been done and people will be able to enjoy foods that they haven't been able to eat without fear of pain or discomfort. I'm hopeful that day may come.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
I May Need To Work On My Topic Weaving...
Toward the end of a conference call that went well over the time allotted I could hear the attitude creep into my voice. Every question or suggestion this one person made managed to make its way around again when the call should have been over. Sometimes, in order to stop the madness, I have to be frank with my responses - today I definitely found the blunt old biddy that resides somewhere in my persona and she wasn't having any more nonsense. While I was aware of this happening, I'm not so sure it was apparent to the other people on the call. I'm usually just a badass in the confines of my own mind, sadly.
On the surface of some situations, like the dream I had last night where I told my ex-husband off, I mull over the things I would say and how I would say them. When I was younger I had no issues bluntly stating what was on my mind, but these days I almost always find the most appropriate way I can to communicate with other people. Well, if those other people are not my children or family members anyway. I've come to realize that while there might be instant gratification in bulldozing my way through discussions with some people, the long-term results would paint an image of me that I'd rather not be saddled with. Surprisingly, it is relatively easy to get my point across without being nasty. Pity, so much attitude just wasting away.
Occasionally, I find a way to work that overflow of specific attitude into writing, so I suppose it's far from wasted. I just need to create a character that is as snarky as my Inner Brat wants me to be in real life and then I have something to funnel all those unsaid words, gestures, glares and irritable noises into to! If I only had the time...over committed and barely keeping up.
Well, I'm sure all the things I'd love to say won't go very far. Once I've finished a project, I may just have to start a new one with this exact idea and see where it takes me. Until then, it's time to move over to the big focus currently dominating my days...the book that's been culminating over the past decade. Got to finish this thing and do something with it!
On the surface of some situations, like the dream I had last night where I told my ex-husband off, I mull over the things I would say and how I would say them. When I was younger I had no issues bluntly stating what was on my mind, but these days I almost always find the most appropriate way I can to communicate with other people. Well, if those other people are not my children or family members anyway. I've come to realize that while there might be instant gratification in bulldozing my way through discussions with some people, the long-term results would paint an image of me that I'd rather not be saddled with. Surprisingly, it is relatively easy to get my point across without being nasty. Pity, so much attitude just wasting away.
Occasionally, I find a way to work that overflow of specific attitude into writing, so I suppose it's far from wasted. I just need to create a character that is as snarky as my Inner Brat wants me to be in real life and then I have something to funnel all those unsaid words, gestures, glares and irritable noises into to! If I only had the time...over committed and barely keeping up.
Well, I'm sure all the things I'd love to say won't go very far. Once I've finished a project, I may just have to start a new one with this exact idea and see where it takes me. Until then, it's time to move over to the big focus currently dominating my days...the book that's been culminating over the past decade. Got to finish this thing and do something with it!
Monday, April 11, 2016
New Places, Old Faces, Life Keeps Getting Better
Oh wow, I had no idea how involved planning and scheduling college visits would be. Crazy, but after a few hours of looking at calendars, maps and weather, I believe we have a general idea of the schools we are going to knock out over April break. Of course, we are also working in some serious vacation fun while visiting good friends in Charleston.
Far from letting myself get too overwhelmed, I'm looking at the upcoming week as an adventure with my baby. Granted, he's nearly an adult, but he'll always be my baby. The time in warm weather won't be bad either ;)
One of the things I am most grateful for at the moment is having a job that affords me the flexibility to actually even make this trip with my son. Had my oldest chosen to look at 4-year schools, I wouldn't have been able to visit many schools with him, particularly those out of New England. As a single parent, flexibility like this is an amazing benefit and one that I won't ever take for granted.
When I get the opportunity to travel, I am all on board. It doesn't matter to me how I get to a destination, so long as I enjoy the ride. It's even better when the destination brings me in contact with long-time friends that I don't see often. As much as I am looking forward to the college tours, I am beyond excited to spend some serious QT with a couple of amazing women.
The week ahead will likely leave both Riley and I completely exhausted, but we will have beneficial information and the memories of exciting times. Exploring a place I've never been to means I will likely have more subjects to write about than I can handle, and that is a problem the writer in me welcomes. Bring on the busy days ahead!
Far from letting myself get too overwhelmed, I'm looking at the upcoming week as an adventure with my baby. Granted, he's nearly an adult, but he'll always be my baby. The time in warm weather won't be bad either ;)
One of the things I am most grateful for at the moment is having a job that affords me the flexibility to actually even make this trip with my son. Had my oldest chosen to look at 4-year schools, I wouldn't have been able to visit many schools with him, particularly those out of New England. As a single parent, flexibility like this is an amazing benefit and one that I won't ever take for granted.
When I get the opportunity to travel, I am all on board. It doesn't matter to me how I get to a destination, so long as I enjoy the ride. It's even better when the destination brings me in contact with long-time friends that I don't see often. As much as I am looking forward to the college tours, I am beyond excited to spend some serious QT with a couple of amazing women.
The week ahead will likely leave both Riley and I completely exhausted, but we will have beneficial information and the memories of exciting times. Exploring a place I've never been to means I will likely have more subjects to write about than I can handle, and that is a problem the writer in me welcomes. Bring on the busy days ahead!
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Oh The Shit My Kids Say
I honestly have no idea how it happened? The shit my kid says, without warning - I mean, I'm glad he feels he can tell me pretty much anything, but sometimes I'd like him to at least pretend I'm a normal mom. Ok, ok, I really don't want that, I just find myself wondering what other mothers would do if their teenage son said the things mine often does.
Of course, I do know how it happened. I have always been honest with my kids and encouraged them to be as well. The pros of this most definitely outweigh the cons though there are the occasional moments where I pause to shake my head in disbelief. Again, I will take that over the alternative. I can't imagine my kids being hesitant to tell me anything, that would just suck.
The thing is, even when the topic of conversation leaves me momentarily flabbergasted, I'm usually somewhat impressed at the detail that's utilized to express a point. At the very least, the random discussions are never boring. I'll take interesting over a yawn any day. I know my kids will go out into the world prepared for a multitude of social situations, which will hopefully help them avoid bringing that shit up in professional situations. I mean, a mother can hope, right?
Of course, I do know how it happened. I have always been honest with my kids and encouraged them to be as well. The pros of this most definitely outweigh the cons though there are the occasional moments where I pause to shake my head in disbelief. Again, I will take that over the alternative. I can't imagine my kids being hesitant to tell me anything, that would just suck.
The thing is, even when the topic of conversation leaves me momentarily flabbergasted, I'm usually somewhat impressed at the detail that's utilized to express a point. At the very least, the random discussions are never boring. I'll take interesting over a yawn any day. I know my kids will go out into the world prepared for a multitude of social situations, which will hopefully help them avoid bringing that shit up in professional situations. I mean, a mother can hope, right?
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Just Because There's A Lot Of Suck In Life, Doesn't Mean We Have To Spend Time With It
A number of things occurred yesterday that had the potential to put me in a foul mood. Aside from the initial stir of emotion each caused, my thinking quickly changed to rising above it. In the grand scheme of the day, let alone life, none of it really mattered enough to expend perfectly good energy on.
With the exception of intense, awful events, there isn't much that can happen in the course of my day-to-day that would warrant investing my focus and risking a negative mindset takeover. While things might affect me, the extent to which they do is completely within my control. I have the choice to react well and move forward, or let it eat at me and remain mired in anger. I'm going to exercise the former as often as possible.
The only way to really let go is to take control over your reactions. The days of hanging onto my anger and letting it fester, polluting my life with misery are well behind me; something that didn't happen all at once. Chipping away at a negative lifestyle is a slow process, but completely doable. The decision to focus on more positive approaches to hurdles and redirecting the way I think about things makes it far easier to step over the road hazards that sometimes find their way into my life path. With a little distance, thinking back on whatever upheaval might have recently popped up usually reveals that it wasn't worth the loss of time and happiness it would have cost me to fixate on it.
I still react unfavorably at times, and that's something I will continue to work at. Knowing that it happens far less than it once did assures me I'm heading in the right direction — toward my own peaceful happiness. There's something else, not committing energy to something fruitless and negative leaves me much more susceptible to personal breakthroughs I might otherwise have missed. That alone is all the argument I ever need to let the stress that comes with fretting over things that cannot be changed go along it's own way and continue on mine.
With the exception of intense, awful events, there isn't much that can happen in the course of my day-to-day that would warrant investing my focus and risking a negative mindset takeover. While things might affect me, the extent to which they do is completely within my control. I have the choice to react well and move forward, or let it eat at me and remain mired in anger. I'm going to exercise the former as often as possible.
The only way to really let go is to take control over your reactions. The days of hanging onto my anger and letting it fester, polluting my life with misery are well behind me; something that didn't happen all at once. Chipping away at a negative lifestyle is a slow process, but completely doable. The decision to focus on more positive approaches to hurdles and redirecting the way I think about things makes it far easier to step over the road hazards that sometimes find their way into my life path. With a little distance, thinking back on whatever upheaval might have recently popped up usually reveals that it wasn't worth the loss of time and happiness it would have cost me to fixate on it.
I still react unfavorably at times, and that's something I will continue to work at. Knowing that it happens far less than it once did assures me I'm heading in the right direction — toward my own peaceful happiness. There's something else, not committing energy to something fruitless and negative leaves me much more susceptible to personal breakthroughs I might otherwise have missed. That alone is all the argument I ever need to let the stress that comes with fretting over things that cannot be changed go along it's own way and continue on mine.
Friday, April 8, 2016
A Little Mommy Thought
It's a strange place to find yourself, knowing your child is dealing with somewhat adult issues and there is not much you can do to help, except be there. Life changes rapidly. The older we get, we are able to better deal with those ups, downs and surprises the Universe puts in our path — at least hopefully. Sitting back and watching my sons get their heads around whatever happens to be going on in their life and saying nothing is tough.
I trust they have learned enough to make the best decisions most of the time and I'm also fairly certain, should they need the input, they will come to me for advice. When they were little, just watching them stumble, fall, work a puzzle through or try to decide whether they wanted choice A or choice B was difficult. The whole idea of parenting is guiding and teaching, so when the time comes for those lessons to be tested, quietly observing isn't natural.
No matter what the oldest child did or didn't do, the way really hasn't been paved. My sons are two completely different people, and none of the choices they make seem to be choices that the other will face. It's a new adventure with Riley and the college process, far different from his brother. Brayden has been the first for many things, but not everything he does will see footsteps following closely behind. I don't mind this as it gives my relationship with each of them a hint more uniqueness.
My long ago view of what this parenting role would bring as the boys entered adulthood has been shed for the simple acceptance that we are all going through this for the first time, together. If that isn't the best example of being part of a family, I don't know what is. May there be many more firsts in this life, both separate and together.
I trust they have learned enough to make the best decisions most of the time and I'm also fairly certain, should they need the input, they will come to me for advice. When they were little, just watching them stumble, fall, work a puzzle through or try to decide whether they wanted choice A or choice B was difficult. The whole idea of parenting is guiding and teaching, so when the time comes for those lessons to be tested, quietly observing isn't natural.
No matter what the oldest child did or didn't do, the way really hasn't been paved. My sons are two completely different people, and none of the choices they make seem to be choices that the other will face. It's a new adventure with Riley and the college process, far different from his brother. Brayden has been the first for many things, but not everything he does will see footsteps following closely behind. I don't mind this as it gives my relationship with each of them a hint more uniqueness.
My long ago view of what this parenting role would bring as the boys entered adulthood has been shed for the simple acceptance that we are all going through this for the first time, together. If that isn't the best example of being part of a family, I don't know what is. May there be many more firsts in this life, both separate and together.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Write When You Can, Leave What Doesn't Make It To The Page
I'm having simultaneous periods of peace and productivity with writing. It is most certainly an odd mix, but one that I am grateful to experience fairly often. Of course, I am attempting to improve the process and maximize my output whenever possible.
Interruptions are a given, but despite knowing this, I always find I grumble inwardly at whoever or whatever sends my word-frenzied tangent careening off course. I mean, doesn't work or the Universe realize all that potential gold will be lost forever if I can't get it typed out while I'm thinking it? Sheesh! It's not like I can just take screen capture my thoughts and come back to them later.
Despite not being able to remember those many little gems that flit out of my consciousness when I'm pulled away from my laptop, I appreciate all that I am able to tranfer to the screen and preserve. Whether it is something that will amount to a greater collection of thoughts or simply a solitary strand of my present place in life, if I've managed to jot it down in some way, I've made progress.
There's little point in obsessing over the words that escape capture. Each day presents the opportunity to create something else, something different. For all that might have been lost, so much waits to take it's rightful place on a page. If I were to focus on what no longer is, than I'd never be able to see what is yet to be. I'll take these creative boons and revel in what I'm able to draw from them over an unproductive day, anytime.
Interruptions are a given, but despite knowing this, I always find I grumble inwardly at whoever or whatever sends my word-frenzied tangent careening off course. I mean, doesn't work or the Universe realize all that potential gold will be lost forever if I can't get it typed out while I'm thinking it? Sheesh! It's not like I can just take screen capture my thoughts and come back to them later.
Despite not being able to remember those many little gems that flit out of my consciousness when I'm pulled away from my laptop, I appreciate all that I am able to tranfer to the screen and preserve. Whether it is something that will amount to a greater collection of thoughts or simply a solitary strand of my present place in life, if I've managed to jot it down in some way, I've made progress.
There's little point in obsessing over the words that escape capture. Each day presents the opportunity to create something else, something different. For all that might have been lost, so much waits to take it's rightful place on a page. If I were to focus on what no longer is, than I'd never be able to see what is yet to be. I'll take these creative boons and revel in what I'm able to draw from them over an unproductive day, anytime.
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Right Here, Right Now
I will keep my mind from wandering into places
It isn't yet meant to see
Until it's collected all the memories
The present moment holds for me.
Have you ever noticed how something can happen in your life, good or bad, and your mind barely registers it before jumping ahead? Yeah, that's the shit I am constantly working against. It's not easy, but definitely beneficial. Without pacing ourselves we add unnecessary stress to our lives and we miss the full effect of things we should be taking time to celebrate.
What might come next shouldn't matter more than being present for what is happening now. Of course, there should be thought that goes into whatever steps may need to follow, but focusing on what you are experiencing for what it is at this very moment is what needs to happen first. Moving onto the next thing or making decisions without having fully absorbed the moments before is where we often go wrong. If we had just stopped long enough to see the whole picture as it unveiled itself we might have avoided some of the mistakes we made by jumping too quickly ahead.
The more I redirect these kinds of thoughts the better I get at experiencing the present. There is a time when thinking ahead, either to solve a problem or to set a goal, makes perfect sense. It's just rarely before the moment you're in has had time to happen. A little more breathing and a lot of willpower to just be idle long enough to absorb all there is to absorb.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Sexual Assault vs. Rape
Sometimes I cannot contain my outrage*:
Open letter to ...
*I chose to go the anonymous route because frankly, there are a number of assholes out there that I just don't care to be giving me grief anywhere except in the comment section of this letter. If anyone looks hard enough, they can figure out who the author is (I mean I'm posting the link and essentially owning it here).
Open letter to ...
*I chose to go the anonymous route because frankly, there are a number of assholes out there that I just don't care to be giving me grief anywhere except in the comment section of this letter. If anyone looks hard enough, they can figure out who the author is (I mean I'm posting the link and essentially owning it here).
Monday, April 4, 2016
Back On Track Mondays
It feels like I've been writing all day. Wait, I have been writing all day. Blog post, challenge group post, work, open letter (will post later) and a little book writing, now another blog post. It's a good think I work out six days a week — all this sitting would make me flabby otherwise.
I commented to someone earlier that I couldn't write as fast as the thoughts were coming. He responded that it was a good problem to have, and for a writer this is both true and not so true. True because it means that my mind is in the creative zone, but not so true because so much of what I want to say is being missed. If I could just file the overflow away for later and not lose the words, I'd be ridiculously happy. Since that just isn't possible, I will have to accept that it is a good problem to have. I mean, the alternative is I sit in front of a blank screen without writing a thing for hours. Not the way I like to roll at all.
Much of the material I've been writing lately is dark. There isn't a way around that when you're writing about rape. Of course, there are moments when the gist of my words hits on a positive thought related to the whole experience, and I certainly want to make sure there is enough of that in this book. The challenge is I have to start by writing the more uplifting, positive things, because if I've delved into the harder, more serious points, it's going to take a day or two leave that dark cloud behind. That is the nature of a topic like that.
I'm incredibly passionate about words. Sometimes they just flow from my head to my fingertips without effort, needing almost no editing. Other times I as though I have to rearrange and reword everything several times to get to the point I'm trying to make. It's rare there's a day when I fall somewhere in the middle. Today was a reword/rearrange kind of day, and as much as I produced, I know had it been a smoother process I would have had a much bigger output. That said, the end result when I look at all I managed to write today is impressive. I'll take that and be content for now.
I commented to someone earlier that I couldn't write as fast as the thoughts were coming. He responded that it was a good problem to have, and for a writer this is both true and not so true. True because it means that my mind is in the creative zone, but not so true because so much of what I want to say is being missed. If I could just file the overflow away for later and not lose the words, I'd be ridiculously happy. Since that just isn't possible, I will have to accept that it is a good problem to have. I mean, the alternative is I sit in front of a blank screen without writing a thing for hours. Not the way I like to roll at all.
Much of the material I've been writing lately is dark. There isn't a way around that when you're writing about rape. Of course, there are moments when the gist of my words hits on a positive thought related to the whole experience, and I certainly want to make sure there is enough of that in this book. The challenge is I have to start by writing the more uplifting, positive things, because if I've delved into the harder, more serious points, it's going to take a day or two leave that dark cloud behind. That is the nature of a topic like that.
I'm incredibly passionate about words. Sometimes they just flow from my head to my fingertips without effort, needing almost no editing. Other times I as though I have to rearrange and reword everything several times to get to the point I'm trying to make. It's rare there's a day when I fall somewhere in the middle. Today was a reword/rearrange kind of day, and as much as I produced, I know had it been a smoother process I would have had a much bigger output. That said, the end result when I look at all I managed to write today is impressive. I'll take that and be content for now.
Say What You Need To Say
The days of holding my thoughts and emotions closed off from those I should be sharing them with are in the wind. It might be the cumulative loss experienced, maybe it's the natural order of aging, but regardless of the reasons the result is still me making a more concentrated effort to say what I need to say when it matters most.
Whether the words and emotions tied to them are favorable or they communicate an issue that needs to be resolved, they should be shared. Resisting the urge to do so out of fear that a situation will become uncomfortable, or because of uncertainty in how the words will be received by the other person only creates a well of would-haves and could-haves that eventually erode our confidence and plague our relationships. When we don't offer up what we have willingly, we never experience the full magnitude of emotions associated with our relationships.
Life is far too short and the experiences that make our time here worthwhile are too precious to squander in self-doubt. Censoring ourselves out of fear or uncertainty will eventually rob us of enjoyment and happiness. Address concerns and problems with the people concerned when it is relevant, share your thoughts and feelings with those that impact your life, and cast out the doubt that would prevent you from doing either of these things. If we don't share how we feel or what we are thinking when it is most present within us, we are left with regret at the missed opportunity to build stronger connections with our circle of family and friends.
Say what you need to say — say it with kindness, share it without conditions, and make it a consistent part of your relationships.
Whether the words and emotions tied to them are favorable or they communicate an issue that needs to be resolved, they should be shared. Resisting the urge to do so out of fear that a situation will become uncomfortable, or because of uncertainty in how the words will be received by the other person only creates a well of would-haves and could-haves that eventually erode our confidence and plague our relationships. When we don't offer up what we have willingly, we never experience the full magnitude of emotions associated with our relationships.
Life is far too short and the experiences that make our time here worthwhile are too precious to squander in self-doubt. Censoring ourselves out of fear or uncertainty will eventually rob us of enjoyment and happiness. Address concerns and problems with the people concerned when it is relevant, share your thoughts and feelings with those that impact your life, and cast out the doubt that would prevent you from doing either of these things. If we don't share how we feel or what we are thinking when it is most present within us, we are left with regret at the missed opportunity to build stronger connections with our circle of family and friends.
Say what you need to say — say it with kindness, share it without conditions, and make it a consistent part of your relationships.
Sunday, April 3, 2016
One Word Will Bring You Round, Changes
Change is something that shouldn't be viewed negatively. Certainly, there are times when what is happening in our lives is difficult and even undesired, but in the end, we are elevated to a place from which tomorrow and the future are possible. Not everything that happens will mean big shifts, but without the little things that rearrange aspects of our life adaptation would be far less achievable.
I decided over this most recent phase of my existence that rolling with all the opportunities and setbacks is far more beneficial to the flow of life and to my overall well-being. Even the shit that happens can set the foundation for better things, so wishing it all away just isn't something I try to do anymore. I'd rather rise above the pain or disappointment in a way that makes the celebrations much more enjoyable. We bring far more reward to our days when we appreciate everything that touches us.
There is no doubt, as far as I'm concerned, that the rate at which my life has changed for the better is directly related to this acceptance of all things without attaching numerous expectations or unnecessary negative energy to them. I know that I am fortunate to be where I am, surrounded by the people I am, and challenged by the changes I face, and I wouldn't change any of it for a ho-hum routine.
I decided over this most recent phase of my existence that rolling with all the opportunities and setbacks is far more beneficial to the flow of life and to my overall well-being. Even the shit that happens can set the foundation for better things, so wishing it all away just isn't something I try to do anymore. I'd rather rise above the pain or disappointment in a way that makes the celebrations much more enjoyable. We bring far more reward to our days when we appreciate everything that touches us.
There is no doubt, as far as I'm concerned, that the rate at which my life has changed for the better is directly related to this acceptance of all things without attaching numerous expectations or unnecessary negative energy to them. I know that I am fortunate to be where I am, surrounded by the people I am, and challenged by the changes I face, and I wouldn't change any of it for a ho-hum routine.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Old Dog, New Tricks?
There are a number of things in the works for me in the next few months. I might have become overwhelmed by all of it at one point in my life, but these days I just roll with it. Everything works out in the way and time it is supposed to, so there really is no point in allowing the weight of it all to pull me down. Especially when these things might get me closer to achieving a couple of life goals.
Mixed in with my own things are those parental duties like college tours, financial aid assessing and keeping the teen on track. Of course, there's also work, though I've gotten used to balancing that particular routine with nearly anything the Universe sends my way. One would think that after 20 years of motherhood I'd be pretty adept at all parenthood comes with, but there are things even the best of us aren't immediately great with.
I find the whole college process just as overwhelming now as I did when it was me who was a year from graduating. I didn't end up getting a degree until I was in my late 30s, so I have incredible empathy for the stress my youngest son is dealing with right now. The process may have steps, but when the overall picture looms in the front of your mind, it's difficult to break off bits at a time.
Wanting my son to succeed, I know I have to find a way to walk through all of this with him, without letting my stress further compound his. That isn't going to be easy, but thankfully there are resources and people who are ready to help a mom out. When I don't have the answers, or I can't keep us on track, the guidance counselors at his school are our first go-to to stay proactive and focused. This was far from my experience with my oldest son and his school resources. It's essentially like facing this all for the first time, and I find it's tough not to wish things had been more like this experience with my oldest. There isn't much that I can do to change that and knowing the difference it has already made has set some of my worries at ease.
It occurs to me that I may want to utilize some of the organizational approaches this whole college prep stage has introduced us to in my own pursuits. It certainly would make the less fun aspects a bit easier to get through. Given that I'll be taking on a bit more to my regular routine, this is a wise idea. It's never too late to learn something new, of course, it does take a little effort to incorporate unfamiliar techniques into life when you're nearly maxed out with everything else. I suppose, in the spirit of how I approach most days, I'm game.
Mixed in with my own things are those parental duties like college tours, financial aid assessing and keeping the teen on track. Of course, there's also work, though I've gotten used to balancing that particular routine with nearly anything the Universe sends my way. One would think that after 20 years of motherhood I'd be pretty adept at all parenthood comes with, but there are things even the best of us aren't immediately great with.
I find the whole college process just as overwhelming now as I did when it was me who was a year from graduating. I didn't end up getting a degree until I was in my late 30s, so I have incredible empathy for the stress my youngest son is dealing with right now. The process may have steps, but when the overall picture looms in the front of your mind, it's difficult to break off bits at a time.
Wanting my son to succeed, I know I have to find a way to walk through all of this with him, without letting my stress further compound his. That isn't going to be easy, but thankfully there are resources and people who are ready to help a mom out. When I don't have the answers, or I can't keep us on track, the guidance counselors at his school are our first go-to to stay proactive and focused. This was far from my experience with my oldest son and his school resources. It's essentially like facing this all for the first time, and I find it's tough not to wish things had been more like this experience with my oldest. There isn't much that I can do to change that and knowing the difference it has already made has set some of my worries at ease.
It occurs to me that I may want to utilize some of the organizational approaches this whole college prep stage has introduced us to in my own pursuits. It certainly would make the less fun aspects a bit easier to get through. Given that I'll be taking on a bit more to my regular routine, this is a wise idea. It's never too late to learn something new, of course, it does take a little effort to incorporate unfamiliar techniques into life when you're nearly maxed out with everything else. I suppose, in the spirit of how I approach most days, I'm game.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)