That Was A Nightmare I'm Happy Isn't Reality

I'm not quite sure what happened to influence my slumber before I finally turned in last night, but I don't want to repeat it - EVER. I dreamt I was having an argument with my youngest son, and I was yelling in his face while he was backed against a kitchen sink. People were walking by, looking in the window, as I slapped him repeatedly in the face. Anyone who knows me understands that I don't do this. I'm still trying to shake the awful feeling this dream left me with.

When the boys were little, a swat on the hand or a smack on the butt happened occasionally, but not more than one. There was never a time that either of my sons has upset me to the point that I lost control and abused them. All I ever needed was to get their attention, so redirection could be effective. Once they were older, timeouts became the reset.

I have said and done things as a parent that I wish I hadn't, as well as fallen short on things I wish I had done. Having been a child who was physically abused, there was no way I was going to subject my children to the same, unnecessary exhibition of power. I want their respect and love, not their fear and distrust.

I remember a time or two when the boys were fighting and I had to break it up. Mama Bear instincts kicked in when the weaker of the two was being hurt, and I am sure the child who was flung to his bed found himself in a state of shock. I know I did. Protective instinct is something I have in mass amounts, but I was surprised when I pounced in those rare situations, and took sides. Even then, I didn't inflict harm.

We joke around in this house...poking, pinching, slapping, etc., but as far as my actions, I don't hit out of anger. Whatever that dream was triggered by, my conscious mind is grateful that it isn't my reality. I am relieved and thankful to know that, as a person, I have the presence of mind and being, particularly in those moments when I need it most. It IS possible to end the cycle of abuse, and while I've always been conscious of my choice to think first, it is an unbelievably great feeling to know the wrongs my life has known don't dictate the way I interact, and treat others.