Speak, Even When What You Have To Say Isn't What The Other Person Wants To Hear

It doesn't seem to matter how much time goes by, there are some things that I have yet to let go. To be more specific, negative emotions surrounding past hurts and disappointments. I suppose that short of finally setting myself free from them, not allowing them to take up as much space and time as they once did is a step in the right direction.

These moments, when I find my conscious mind recalls situations I'd sooner leave behind, aren't nearly as often as they were, but they still pack a fair amount of pang, sadness, and anger. Sometimes I think trying to rise above the negative energy isn't the best way to manage it; deal with it. A large part of these instances are due to never having had proper closure, and because I stayed all too quiet when I should have exercised my gift with words. Being able to look someone in the face and say exactly how I feel...well, I've always allowed my concern for causing pain dictate, and most of the time, I swallow it. Keep that shit bottled up, walk away, and take ownership of crap that I shouldn't.

There was a time when I hardly bit my tongue; I'd spit venom without a second thought about the effects of my words. It seems like a lifetime ago, and really it was. Maybe my recollections are flawed - I mean, aren't they all, as a rule? I wasn't as awful...couldn't have been as bad as I sometimes remember. How could I go from callous to martyr-like? No, I wasn't always tactful, sometimes too direct, but I don't honestly believe that I was intentionally hurtful. I think really, I just grew up, and learned how to exercise a bit more self-control and decorum in communicating with others.

If my memories of how I was, or behaved can be skewed, then wouldn't it make sense that these past negative experiences might have taken on more weight than they ever should have? I suppose it is possible that in never giving my own feelings about things a voice, I have a stronger hold on things that, when they were a part of my present, didn't really produce the depth of connection this continued disappointment suggests.

It is better to give your emotions, negative or otherwise, the freedom to be expressed when situations present the opportunity. When we loosen the grip around those negative thoughts and emotions, we allow the positive in to heal. It may seem like a protective action to close in on ourselves when we've been stung, but the sooner the pain is felt, the sooner and more effectively we can repair and heal. Seems I have much more to learn.