Tonight I finally stopped long enough to let the reality of the past week sink in. As a parent of a school-aged child, as an involved parent, and as a member of the human race, I am beside myself. When violence, or even the threat of violent acts becomes so common place that our children see it as either a means to an end, or a thrill ride, we as a people need to stop everything, and assess the world we live in.
My thoughts are set to rapid fire at this moment, and I feel so many things, so incredibly strongly that I have doubts I can write any of this to make sense to anyone else. Tears burn my eyes, but just won't spill over. When is enough going to finally be enough?
For certain, a number of schools in the area escaped any unimaginable, yet all too frequent nightmare this week. And while it's a relief, it is also a wake-up call. School violence, regardless of who perpetrates it, is possible ANYWHERE. How quiet, or small your community is really has little bearing on whether someone will suddenly decide to unleash their anger and hate within the buildings your children spend 7 to 8 hours a day, five days a week in. It doesn't matter how poverty stricken, or affluent your area is; mental illness is prevalent in EVERY demographic.
Much like those who find false security in that 'that kind of thing doesn't happen here' mentality, parents who are emotionally absent from their children's every day lives, are deluding themselves as to the reality a good number of us are consciously vigilant about. Blinders essentially grant PERMISSION to behave in unsafe, illegal, and destructive ways. We are most certainly responsible for our own actions, but accountability and boundary are dependent on us all to function as a cohesive society. It's basic checks and balances.
We can only get upset with children, even in their teen years, to a point, if our parenting was derelict in key areas. How do we expect them to be conscientious, if we don't first exhibit that kind of behavior? How will they ever truly learn right from wrong, if we don't first lead by example, and are not prepared to redirect, or institute consequence when they do things they have been taught not to do? How can we act dumbfounded when our child does something immensely wrong, with dire repercussions, if we left them on their own; detached from their lives?
I will never understand, never accept any parent's claim of 'not my child', or the act of bewilderment when that child acts in a manner that projects and causes pain and tragedy, and they were wholly disconnected from their son or daughter throughout their development as people. When you bring life into this world, it is your responsibility to not only provide for that child's needs, but to also nuture, support, love, and yes, discipline. It is a parent's DUTY to be invasive when their children become more independent; not in a vile way, but in a way that let's them know you are always tuned in and watching. A good, loving and involved parent will also have the capacity to acknowledge when something is 'off' with their child; they will take action, even if that means they risk seeming overprotective, or overbearing. We are, at times, counselors, educators, nurturers, and wardens.
Like it or not, parenthood means being able to wear many hats. We need to be prepared for everything; the good and the bad. What is even more important than being present and aware...and knowing you're able to do what you must at any given moment, is that your child knows you are capable and willing to do any and all of those things. You cannot give your child the world, allow them unlimited choices, without first teaching them how to choose wisely and act responsibly.
What is my take away, positive, silver lining today? That I, as a parent, realize all of these things and more. That I have been involved, persistent, exhaustingly alert to both of my sons, and still managed to have fun with them. They see me as an embarrassment or nuisance at times, but they also see me as someone they can count on, and lean on when they need someone to talk to. When they are in an 'off' mood, I recognize it from their facial expressions, their postures, or even the way they walk. My life is so intensely linked to them, that even when I don't know exactly what their hours away from me have entailed, just the tone of their voice tells me if I should dig further for information. I am far from perfect, I have made numerous parenting blunders, but the one thing I have gotten right - the one thing I continue to get better at, is staying involved and following my instinct when it comes to my sons.
**As parents we cannot expect the educational system to do it all. We cannot send our children off to school, and think we are not still responsible for what happens during those hours. If we expect anything to change in our communities - in our schools, we need to start parenting our children responsibly, in the way they need and deserve, and we need to be prepared and able to get involved with the schools our children attend. We need to work together, and provide a united support system. Be the parent your child deserves, and the partner our schools need to educate, and succeed.
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