Knowing Happiness Is Being Open To Sadness

I doubt if someone had told me that being happy didn't mean you never have moments when you felt remiss about your life, I'd have believed them. I mean, isn't the whole point of happy to not feel bummed about things? It is completely possible, and oddly vital to a happy existence to recognize that sometimes things just suck.

It isn't that they suck because you're only seeing the negative; it's a little deeper than that. We all have the tendency (at least at some point in our lives) to formulate an idea (fantasy) as to how our life will play out. Not blow by blow, step by step, but more that there are milestones and expectations associated with a timeline that we foolishly allow ourselves to adopt. Somewhere along the way, those ideas never manifest, or at least not in the way we imagined they would, and we are left to deal with the crappy feelings about it.

My life is, in some ways, more than I ever anticipated. I couldn't have planned for most of what I've experienced to have actually happened, and it's exactly the reason I love where I am. The funny thing is that despite knowing that, there are still moments when I remember something I might have expected would have taken shape or manifested itself by now. The moment I realize it didn't, I have to deal with the letdown.

It isn't as though I am regretful of where I am, but letting go of the things we create...the things we imagined we'd feel, see, do and achieve, well, that isn't always easy. Knowing I have a good life, and even appreciating it, doesn't mean I won't and don't mourn the death of ideals and dreams I once held close to get me to this point today. The things I imagined, they kept me moving forward; I just didn't take the time to see that they weren't actually what I was moving towards. There was no way to accept that some of the ideas I had were really just to placate my mind while my soul reached for something else entirely.

Still, even being able to see this now, I can't help but shed a tear or two, for those dreams that I kept close. Those moments, places and people not yet known that I wished for; kept under wing, never wanting to believe they weren't really ever going to be part of my life beyond what they were. Being happy doesn't mean you don't experience disappointment. I am happy; I still mourn the things that aren't part of my life as I once imagined they might be.