The Tough Stuff

Feeling every kind of pissed off and miserable emotion right now. In the last month I've been too close to too much death. I don't know how anyone can keep from falling into the thick, dark blanket of shoulder-wrenching, sob-fest sadness when so much loss is around them. I caved and found it almost impossible to drive tonight when the crying took over. And it isn't really a wonder; especially tonight.

I got word that my grandfather is hanging in, just as my cat had chosen to dig his claws in for one last night. I don't know how I'm suppose to sleep with all this going on, though I'm aware my lack of sleep won't alter the outcome of either situation. Faced with uncomfortable emotions that leave me raw and vulnerable to pain I don't want to feel. 

At exactly the same time, two sources of love and joy in my sons' and my lives have come to their end. I have no adequate words for the pain this produces. More than just my own, I am more affected by that which each of my boys will endure. It goes against every fiber of my motherhood - not being able to spare them this anguish. 

I am thankful, however, that I have words that enable self-expression to process and vent the things that consume and spill over. Without some outlet to divulge and purge, there would be no relief. Most things might never make sense, and I might well find it easier to remove myself from the world around me and become socially cut off. If I didn't have writing ... I believe that is exactly what I would do.

Somewhere, in all of this, there is peace and clarity. In time, I am sure I will be able to see both. And grow because of it all.