I'll be honest, I don't like being open about certain things. It's one thing to say what you know is the truth out loud, it's another thing to have to face the words and their reflection in the eyes of another person. I don't like pity, and I am highly uncomfortable with another person sitting with me in my grief, sadness, or whichever undesirable emotion when it's already so claustrophobic.
When life gets to be a bit much, I close myself off. It's the only way I can get through the hard stuff as quickly as my life requires me to. Even writing (publicly) about any of it is foreign to me. I find myself at odds between the need to withdraw and my commitment to write every night. Granted, I've fallen behind before, but give the heavy emotional climate I find myself in, falling behind could well mean falling completely off this particular course. Through good and bad, I chose to tackle this 365. And I don't quit.
This particular 'project' is in contrast to my general approach to my behavior within most forms of social media. I choose to divulge a few ultra-personal details, such as dating successes/failures, arguments, disagreements, and anger. What I opt to share is often light and really doesn't welcome the world into my everyday life. Snippets of my kids, co-workers, family, and friends; even photos of the lot. I don't, however, use any online platform to whine and complain incessantly about breaking a nail or getting cut off in traffic. Who needs that drama? This weekend's losses and my resistance to opening myself up when I'm hurt/upset pushed me to the point that I broadcasted my grief in a space other than this blog. While I tried to do so in the most positive and non-whining ways, it's odd to allow the posts on Facebook to remain, safe from being deleted.
I wouldn't say there is something wrong with being open and sharing your life with others, I'm just leery of doing so in a forum like that. Maybe I ought to be here, but given the whole objective in writing a blog is to write and share, the two outlets are far from the same.
To some degree, I suppose my selective sharing within social media, as opposed to my openness in blogging might give support the opinion that people tend to be less honest when they interact from behind a screen online. I know that I'm simply choosing to be selective about what I say and where I say it. Similar to when and how I eventually allow my thoughts and feelings in sad situations to be witnessed or shared with someone else.
Maybe none of this makes sense, because I know I'm rambling on. I share here, despite not first being comfortable with my thoughts, because I've chosen to challenge myself. I don't know what that means, if it means anything at all, except that it's far easier to write about the things I wish weren't happening and allowing others to read it, then being face to face with someone and seeing their reaction. Of course not everything I write about will be tied to sadness, and quite a bit of it will undoubtedly make little sense to anyone else. I've got 241 more posts to go before I'm done, comprehensible or not.
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