Knowing there is more sadness to come, it's still impossible to pace myself to preserve energy and sanity. I have entered a dark and woeful place that does not lend itself to lighthearted energy. Though I know I'm not staying here, the walk to the other side where happier times wait is so tough. All this pain will one day be replaced with happy recollections and only pangs of wishing lost loved ones were still here.
The finality of death; the irreversible reality of it is something I can never spend too long contemplating. I've nearly sent myself into a downward spiral when I've stayed too focused on the 'whys' that will never be answered. 'What ifs' are just as bad. Shit happens and more often than not, it sucks.
I don't ever want to be that person that clings to grief as though it is a life preserver. No good will come from pushing away those things and people that create possibility and change. Staying stuck in sadness robs a person of life they can never get back. We are here for so short a time, why waste more time than necessary?
Much as I'd like to curl up in a ball under my covers for days...maybe weeks, ignoring the world around me until I don't feel anymore, I push myself to keep moving. Maybe I don't make the commute to and from work in a great mood, maybe I don't put much effort into cooking dinner, and maybe I sit mostly silent because I lack the energy or desire to talk about anything, but I'm still going about life, albeit less enthusiastically. I just keep moving.
In truth, I'm a little afraid to stop for too long. I don't want to get lost in this darkness, and that push I get from all the good things I still have in life are what keeps me far enough from the edge. While I am in a mournful state at present, I have not given the grief more of me than it requires. The healing has already begun, however slowly it may move.
Grief is the oposite side of the same coin as joy. The greater the joy or love we experience from a loved one, the greater the sadness or grief we experience with their loss. I know this. As you know, I lost my best friend in the world, my Pop recently. The grief is overwhelming. I console myself with this notion that the size of the grief is equal to the size of the joy or blessing we miss and mourn. This too I know: love never dies. Pop's love and the blessing of his being is something I posess for the rest of my life. Grief, ultimately is an expression of love. We do move on though. In my case I have the reassurance that Pop's influence will be present in all that I go on to accomplish and do. This enhances the depth of meaning in his life. This form of honoring is healthy and something we can use to create mindfulness while living out the full measure of our lives with integrity as the best people we can be. Not unlike the notion of 'paying it forward', I know I can keep Pop's beautiful spirit alive and doing good work in the world if I remain devoted to being the best man I can be.. the man he taught me to be. There's joy to be had in that. I wish you comfort in your grief, and much love, Tammy.
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