I haven't felt much like sharing the past few days. Between the exhaustion of moving and the frustration of unpacking, it's been a challenge to maintain my balance. Add to that the painful reality that a loved one isn't long for this world and it's a wonder I'm writing this at all.
Watching family go through the process of accepting a loss is on the horizon is achingly difficult. Not being able to comfort them or do anything to alleviate the stress and emotional weight of the situation leaves you feeling something akin to regret. Of course, the cycle of life is the one true constant, but it doesn't make going through loss any easier to accept.
I've seen many people take their last breath and it does not get any easier. I worked in a nursing home in my early 20s, and as is the nature of such places, I witnessed the final moments of some truly precious souls. This did little to prepare me for seeing my own father's final exhalation. My grandmother and great-aunt (sisters who contributed to so many of the memories I often revisit) were just a couple of years apart, but no matter how much time you have to adjust to the loss of a person, it doesn't make losing another any less devastating.
I understand the attempt at comforting words like 'he/she is in a better place now' and 'it's all part of life', or even 'she/he lived a long life'. The problem is that no matter how much truth the words contain, you have to find a way to deal with someone you love and care about no longer being part of your life going forward. The longer they are in your life, the more tied to you they often are and that means more adjustment may be needed. All the gifts of presence and longevity in your world cannot possibly lessen the intense mourning that visits when someone you love departs this earth.
At the moment, the boxes still needing to be unpacked, the pictures and decor waiting to be hung on the walls, and organizing my abode can wait for another day. My sons — no matter how grown up they may be, witnessed the undeniable reality of mortality last night. Their balance and emotional health are the only things that matter right now. At 44, having been present during the end of life a few times, the only advantage I have over them is knowing every time is like the first time. When you love someone and you are faced with the day that they are no longer with you, it takes time to process all that means and how life will change. As heart-wrenching as it may be, there is no rushing through the pain. The more a person meant to you, the more time you will likely need to adjust and move forward.
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