I Can Be Complicated Once In A Blue Moon

I'm just one who-gives-a-fuck from becoming the antisocial old bag I know I could be if I would only apply myself. I don't mean that in a pissy-I'm-being-negative-and-whiny sort of way. The older I get, the less I give a shit about socializing. I love the people in my life — don't get me wrong, but I've spent decades being concerned, invested and interested in others' lives and there are days when I could walk away from it all without a second thought.

It is likely the reason for this has something to do with my sign. As a Sagittarian, the underlying current of thought and emotion is wanderlust. I've been still for too long and lately, all I want to do is change shit the fuck up. Sure, I moved recently, and I just decided to go back to school, but I need a real change of scenery. At the very least I need a fucking vacation. Since it doesn't look like either of those things will be happening in the near future, the itch has led me to want to withdraw from social circles. Not that my circles are numerous, or incredibly active, to begin with.

By no means am I saying I've tired of my friends and family. This is a recurring theme in my life. If I can't wander or get away, I want to withdraw. Not completely, just enough to miss the connections and banter I typically love and thrive with.

I rarely allow myself the opportunity to be selfish or focused on what I want. Sure, I do things I like to do and go places I want to go, but I don't spend nearly enough time nurturing me. It's hard to separate myself from being dependable and amiable because I've spent a lifetime giving my all to those things, not just because it brings me some sort of joy, but also because I don't want to disappoint those who have come to rely on this version of me.

I'll never pull away for long, the weight of what that could mean is far too heavy to ever truly consider. I will sit in the quiet for a short while and be right back in the thick of it, barely missing a beat. All this energy and time would be a terrible waste without people to share it all with.