It's What You Have, Not What You Don't That Is Important In Life

There are a number of conflicting emotions rolling about inside right now. I'm angry that my sons don't have the kind of connection with their father that they deserve to have. I'm disappointed that the best effort he can muster is to lay guilt trip after guilt trip on them instead of owning his shit and actually  attempting real change. I'm saddened that the negative experiences I had with my mother's first husband have become that of my own children. Part of me wants to shake the sense into this man who has missed out on the most incredible years and growth of these amazing boys, but it isn't my place. My role is to be their mother; a constant and reliable supporting parent that guides, loves and consoles them when they need it most. I cannot fill the void their father created, but I can make certain their feeling of loss is as minimal as humanly possible.

Despite all the wishes, hopes and endless positive requests I've sent out into the Universe, the situation between my sons and my ex-husband has not improved. For reasons that aren't necessary to share, they have found it necessary to remain guarded and withdrawn from him. No matter how much I want for something better for all of them, I can only sit back and deal with the pain of not being able to protect the boys from disappointment and the ongoing ups and downs of such unfortunate dysfunction. There is nothing more in life that I could want for them, aside from living happy, productive lives than to have experienced the same love and involvement they have with me as part of a relationship with their father.

At the end of the day, my feelings are my own and do my sons no good. The ability to recognize and focus on the many positive relationships they do have with the other men in their lives is really what it all should be about. Rather than grow up jaded and bitter at the lack of paternal influence, they have learned to appreciate and celebrate the males who have always shown up and earned their respect, gratitude, and love. It's tough to stay mired in the ill-feeling surrounding what they don't have when they so willingly accept the family and friends they are always able to rely on. I love that the hand they were dealt in life has made them look on the bright side and own who they are. They may not have what other people do in two parents that would move heaven and earth for them, but they know they have the most intensely loyal and loving village with them forever and always. At the heart of it all, I couldn't ask for anything better.