There is something I might never have admitted out loud were it not for the undeniable root of my actions in a situation most people would react to differently. My adulthood has been an ongoing event of self-assessment, change, adaptation and appreciation. There is, at the very least, a snag I have yet to overcome.
While I have no doubt that this snag is rooted in the aftermath of my rape, it doesn't seem rational that I have not been able to alter it given how much I have managed to grow and evolve in most every other sense. Fear is something that I rarely allow myself to feel. When I find myself in a situation that triggers vulnerability and a sense of fear, my fight or flight instinct kicks in and I become angry. In an effort to extinguish any feelings of fear before they compromise me in some way, I lock down in a show of force, prepared to guard against emotions I cannot avoid associating with that particular night of personal hell.
When I needed to run, when I needed to fight back, the terror I felt paralyzed me. I couldn't scream; my voice abandoned me. I couldn't run; my legs felt rooted to the ground. Every second that passed was a moment for potential action that I could not get back. By the time I was able to fight back, to make use of the self-preservation that initially abandoned me, it was too late. I am all too aware that I may never have been able to change the outcome of that night, but had I been able to scream or run, maybe it would have ended differently.
Since that night, something in my hard wiring changed. Whenever I find myself in a situation I am uncomfortable in, I immediately access rage. That is not to say that I morph into an unrecognizable form of myself, or that I began visibly seething, ready to fight. The rage provides the strength I need to get through whatever I am experiencing. An unfortunate side effect is that someone may well be subjected to a somewhat venomous rant from yours truly. More often than not I am able to reign myself in before I do or say something hurtful, but there are moments when I cannot contain the anger. Alcohol has the tendency to mute inhibitions, and that includes self control over reactionary actions.
There are rare times when walking to my car at night alone doesn't ignite this protective rage, and when I find myself in a place with no familiar faces I move from fear and a sense of abandonment to anger swiftly. The repercussions of these rare times, complicate life, and leave me fighting that moment I froze when I desperately needed to act all over again. It is difficult to avoid the negative emotions and thoughts that surface because of this internal battle.
In my journey to become more self aware, I realize that I have managed to avoid a good number of situations when I lock down in a protective shield of anger. I don't seem to need the armor to buffet me from what my malfunctioning fight or flight response seems to see as potential threats. Except when I've indulged in adult beverages. It is a guarantee, should my instinct believe me to be vulnerable, that I will lash out verbally to ensure the facade is intact and believable, better securing my feelings of safety. The day after such an event, brings worse feelings than a hangover. I wrestle with regret and, as my own worst critic, find it takes days to work through the mess of emotions.
My hope is that someday I will be able to experience fear and vulnerability without my instincts preparing for all out war. It has not escaped my attention that a large factor in that outcome is trust. Yes, I need to learn how better to trust those around me, but I also need to learn to trust myself and my responses to protect me when necessary; to stand by quietly when no danger is truly present. Being able to accurately gauge the nature of uncertain situations, may reset that fight or flight response. I am currently in search of how to achieve that particular ability to discern.
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