Life is implicitly interesting.
People are unpredictable, and oddly addicting to watch. Their actions speak volumes more than their words could ever dream of saying. If one were to step back and consider their role in others' lives, what they would find out could shed light on exactly what to look for and just what to avoid when forging relationships.
I consider the people I have invested time in, and exactly what it is about them that I value; what it is that creates the bond I share with them and know I cannot live without. My interactions with people, my personal investment in long term friendships, relationships, outright kinships is based on far more than one thing. Each person brings something or possesses qualities that I find worthwhile. And with each of them, it is more than just one thing.
My nearest and dearest friends are made up of layers of awesome. They have humor, the deepest sense of loyalty, they listen, they trust...they are trustworthy. Every one of them show up big, and hangs around when nothing much is going on. They reach out and check in, and they are receptive to my reciprocal gestures. They are honest, even when it means I might get stung. And I could not imagine ever basing a friendship with any of these incredible people on just one specific aspect and foregoing the rest of what makes them amazing.
It's the same with family. Sure I have specific ties to individual relatives, but a family as a whole depends on being able to celebrate and acknowledge more than just what we find useful or fun in that person. My aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and parents are more than just shared genetics. They are witty, caring, and supportive people who have shared a lifetime of connections, good and not so good. We know about each others interests, about hardships, and we rally together through tough times and milestones worth cheering. If we only related to one another at the holidays, or saw each other as one-dimensional, what kind of family would we really be?
I can't really speak to relationships of a romantic nature, except maybe to what I have experienced. Thus far, the awareness that a person should be appreciated for more than just one specific aspect of what makes them who they are seems to continue to be obvious to me alone. This type of relationship is more challenging, because the focus is rarely broad initially. It's fine tuned and fixated; far too many people are rarely able to take in the numerous other facets of the person who holds them captivated, as they are so mesmerized by whatever one thing caught their attention in the first place. Few relationships of this nature move into the friend/family territory of connection, because it takes something called personal investment.
With family and friends, investment comes somewhat easier; the threat of rejection isn't as great. It is possible to have several familial relationships, and equally many meaningful friendships, without the need to be beholden to just one person. The kind of commitment a romantic relationship requires is typically of the one-of-a-kind variety. When you are interested in becoming involved with another person intimately, as a significant other, in most cases it is the only relationship of this kind you will have at any given time. That type of investment isn't made as easily. And from my experience, there are far fewer opportunities to find another person who will see and appreciate more than just the initial spark in us that grabbed their attention in the first place the more the world around us changes.
We are not, as a whole, a society that emphasizes the same depth and meaningful qualities in romance as we do in family and friends. So much is about surface; appearances, ambition, financial gain, fulfillment of any variety of needs, physical attraction - and so little importance is placed on what can and does lead to long term happiness. How a person behaves is so immensely pivotal to maintaining not only a successful relationship, but also the integrity of both individuals.
Without opening ourselves up and being receptive to the whole person, we stifle the freedom needed for that person to remain whole. Sure there are couples that have stayed together because they have fun, or because they make each other look good, or because the sex is great, but longevity doesn't always mean depth. There are, sadly, people who have spent years with their partner or spouse and have no real idea who that person truly is. What is worse though, is that they have sat on the hands of interest and curiosity so long, they wouldn't even know where to begin in trying to really know them.
People ask me, quite literally on a daily basis, why I am single. Sometimes it's knee-jerk, other times they are simply nosy, but there are some who seem genuinely baffled. Those are the people who won't ever understand my answer. They are of the same narrow-minded, surface-thinking, single-interest fixating type who will only ever see what is in front of them, and never what is just beyond. A person's appearance, job title, car, or public influence is not what makes them. I have come to believe that those things are like checkpoints on the road to any relationship, though they seem far more difficult to proceed beyond in the romantic kind. If a person is open to what lies beyond someone's pretty face or enticing physique, they've past the first checkpoint. The more willing they are to learn and explore all that makes up the person and what was initially attractive about them, the further they progress, bringing them closer to a relationship that has substance and the freedom to grow indefinitely. I'm single, because I have yet to find another person who also understands these things and lives them.
It does not matter to me what type of relationship I engage in, they are ALL based on the same basic premise: who you are is more than just what the world sees. If you and I share a bond, regardless of how old or new, I am invested. I have no interest and do not care to waste my time or yours with a shallow exchange. All I really hope for in life is that the people I care about extend me the very same. Anything less is essentially opportunistic, one-sided, and disingenuous. Life is too short for any of that.
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