I was asked recently — quite off-hand I'm sure — if I would share my secret to parenting so well. Given who posed this question, I simply said "I'm a hardass" and left it at that. It got me thinking, however. That was far from the first time I've been asked how I managed to raise two boys that are respectful, responsible and compassionate. So, looking at the past 20+ years I've been a mother, I had to ask myself 'what is it these people see?'
If there were ever a broken record, my insistence that the adage 'it takes a village' is true and that I have one hell of an amazing village would be it. There have been numerous influences on my sons' lives and while I'd love to take full credit for the young men they are today, the impact of those people and situations, as well as their own inner-selves have a lot to do with it. Not that I discount my parenting as a big part of what has shaped who they are today.
The number one thing that I see missing from many parenting roles when I look around today is consistency. Without consistency in their schedule, daily interactions, and overall expectation how can we expect children to make informed or beneficial choices? If they haven't first been taught these things, there is no way they can consistently grow in the right direction, regardless of what area of life. If we vacillate all over the place in what we say or do, or in what we expect from them, we appear unreliable and unpredictable. All that does is cause insecurity in our children because they never know what to expect. They cannot learn to distinguish appropriate from inappropriate if they cannot even count on their parents' behaviors and words.
Another big miss for far too many these days is follow through. Oh my word, I am absolutely flabbergasted at the complete lack of focus and sticktoitiveness that plagues so many parents. There is no way a child can learn limits, meet our expectations or understand what consequence is and what actions result in which outcomes if we cannot stand by our disciplinary actions and childrearing approaches. My mother used to say 'this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you' every time my sisters and I were grounded for some reason. I couldn't understand how on earth she thought that since we were the ones being punished for whatever we had done. Not until I had to institute the behavioral redirection that only grounding or revoked permission can affect. Standing by whatever discipline I doled out in the heat of the moment was almost impossible. Realizing that being reactionary didn't always result in the best 'punishment for the crime' outcome, I started buying myself time to consider the weight of what misstep or negative behavior was being addressed in order to come to the best corrective action.
Biting your tongue when your children do things that elicit instant anger and outrage is by far the toughest part of being a disciplinarian. Often times the shock of whatever my boys did or said had me wanting to ground them for eternity. Of course, that would never have worked, nor would it have ever suited 'the crime'. So, the parent being more pained than the child who has lost privileges became quite clear to me. I suddenly knew what my mother had meant. While my sons spared me the typical rebellion I remembered of boys I once knew, they managed to find themselves restricted from activities and games that they loved quite often growing up. And thankfully I managed to take my corrective efforts down a notch or two, coming closer to restrictions that better suited their infractions.
There's also the overlooked honesty factor. I have always been honest with my sons — barring the whole Easter Bunny, Santa, Tooth Fairy period. If they asked me a question, I gave an honest answer. When they upset me and knew it, I'd get the 'you don't love me' or 'you love my brother more than me' quips, to which I always responded 'I will always love you, but right now I'm not happy with your choices/actions/behavior' and 'I love you both equally, though in completely different ways'. In the early years of my divorce, I refrained from badmouthing my ex but did not lie about being upset or disagreeing with whatever he may have done or said in their presence. They asked me some difficult questions through the years, things most parents don't want to talk about, and they definitely shocked me more than a time or two. Honesty has always been the best approach, and though I may have altered my answers to be age appropriate, I never misled them in any way. If they can't trust their mother, to be honest with them, how will they be able to distinguish others for their trustworthiness or not?
Without consistency, follow-through, and honesty, it is next to impossible to raise children who become responsible, considerate, observant, trustworthy, kind and respectful adults. They are not likely to make the kind of decisions that keep them on the right path or be the partners to others that nurture and fortify healthy relationships. None of these things is easy to maintain, but in having children there were no guarantees of all fun and games with none of the work. My oldest son, who had a bad car accident recently, commented on how hard it must be for me to have to be the only one there all the time. My answer was that as long as I am alive I will always worry and be there for them. It is part of what I signed up for when I became a mother. Day or night, no matter how old they are, no matter where they are, I will be there for them. It may not always be in the way they think they need, but whatever I do, whatever capacity I support them in will always be in their best interest. I think he was somewhat surprised by the answer but reassured at the same time that just because he is now legally an adult, he doesn't have to go through the tough stuff alone.
Parenting doesn't get easier. We trade the scrapes, bruises and disappointments for grown-up hardships, decisions, and consequences. There will always be that parent-child dynamic, so long as we set up the best foundation to that relationship through consistent, reliable, honest boundaries and practice follow-through like their lives depend on it, because they truly do.
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