Co-Parenting: Are You Doing It Well?

While it is true I am a divorced mother of two teenage boys, co-parenting with their father never became a reality. Not for lack of trying on my part, or the desire to give my sons unified support. Being able to co-parent requires BOTH parents working together for the greater good of their children.

The reasons behind a divorce or break up should no longer be an active argument once the relationship is dissolved, and they should never affect a child/children. Pitting offspring against the other parent only serves to undermine that child's sense of security and stability, not to mention the manipulating parent's credibility and motives. Whenever I hear or witness this type of negative parenting it saddens me. I no longer waste my energy becoming incensed by this complete disregard for a child's well being, because my anger solves nothing.

Guilting a child into keeping secrets, spending time with a parent, or other desired behaviors is bad parenting. Coercion comes in many forms, not the least of which involves some degree of guilt. It's deplorable and the reason so many children enter adulthood packing a shit ton of dysfunctional issues.

Communication is essential and should always be possible verbally. What one party wants shouldn't trump the other's because of past issues. Children are not tools to be used for vengeful undertakings and bids for control. Parents do not have to agree on everything, but they need to be able to compromise and work together. Without cooperation and some semblance of respect there can be no true co-parenting.

Short of neglect or detriment to a child, no parent should see their rights and input diminished simply because the other parent cannot put down their ax to grind. Children are not to blame and should never be thrust between two people who cannot manage to grow up and get along. There is little wonder as to the catalyst for the sheer number of dysfunctional individuals wandering this divorce-prevalent society. For decades parents who called it quits as a couple have continued fighting, weighing their own need for constant validation, control, and payback over their children's needs to be loved, supported and WHOLE.

The reason? These so-called adults have never developed coping skills, or established total maturity. I cannot begin to imagine ever putting my needs or wants before my sons'. Despite being a single parent whose co-parenting opportunity never emerged, I always reminded myself that my issues with my ex were mine, and not my sons'. I tried to maintain open communication, and kept my opinions and thoughts about their father to myself. While I wish that our post-divorce interactions would have given our boys a sense of balance, I am thankful for the foresight to let what I cannot control fall away.

I wish that more parents, both married/together and apart would learn to let what is best for their children be their guidance in childrearing and not become consumed and distracted by their issues with each other.