A Few Words On Fatherhood

This is a tough one to write.

As Father's Day approaches, I get a bit teary-eyed and emotional. The obvious reason would be that this will be the 19th year without my father, and one month from now he will have been gone from this life 20. It is impossible to avoid missing him, as it is to wonder what might have been. He was far too young to have left this world when he did. That will always be tough for my family and I.

Over the past few weeks I have watched my stepfather, his sister, and their mother go through the pain and anguish of losing a husband and father. While it is most certainly a blessing he lived a long life, being an active part of their lives for 66 years, it is no less painful. Sunday will be the first in a long line of Father's Days they will be without the man that shaped and encouraged them. A sadness those of us who have lost a father know all too well.

This kind of loss is the reason my sons' situation is so maddening. Try as I might, I cannot escape the fact that I wish things had turned out far different. When I consider the magnitude of love and involvement my father had for my sisters and I, it leaves me fighting bitterness that the man who fathered my children never fully committed to that type of fatherhood. Maybe I have unreasonable expectations, given the man who reared my younger sister and I had no biological or legal responsibility to do so. He came into our lives with our youngest sister, and never treated us any less his own. I believe that is the very reason we three girls never see ourselves as anything but true sisters.

So how is it that a man can sire children, go through the motions of raising them, and then lose all credibility as an adult and father? My sons are amazing young men. They are thoughtful, caring, giving, and welcoming; and while I'm proud to be given some credit in how they have grown up, it isn't the way I expected it to go. Despite divorce, I had hoped my sons would have a father that loves them as much as I do; that would be involved and interested in every part of their lives. Someone who would actively encourage them, and never make them feel guilty about anything.

Since they chose to sever ties with their father, I have learned a number of things about why they made that choice. The revelations are heartbreaking. In what version of fatherhood is it appropriate to manipulate and guilt your children? Use them as therapists? Vent anger and hostility at them simply because he cannot acknowledge or face his own shortcomings? This is not fatherhood, nor is it love. It is emotional and mental abuse, and grounds for any child to step away to preserve their own well-being.

I know that I am not responsible for their father's actions (or inaction), but I chose to have children with him, and that part is on me. In a thousand lifetimes I wouldn't ever change that choice, because these boys are my life. In a perfect world, I would want a co-parent who is focused on his children's lives over his own. A father who knows how to be tender, as well as stern. A man that takes the initiative to build the bonds between he and his sons, not let them wither and die. Someone who owns their mistakes and takes responsibility for his role in parenting; constantly improving as he goes, instead of blaming the world at large for his woes.

I am forever grateful that both of my boys have visible role models of what fatherhood looks like. The misfortune of their own father falling so incredibly short, is lessened by the ample examples they have in their grandfather, uncles, great uncles and cousins. Without a doubt it takes some of the sting out of the situation, but I will always think of these men and wish things had gone differently for my boys. I am not fearful they will fall short when their turn at fatherhood arrives. It is clear from who they have become that that sad fate will never befall them. In spite of spending their formative years without paternal involvement, I am certain they will give all that they are and more when it is their turn.