What Might Have Been Is Just A Waste Of Energy That Could Be Spent On What Can Be

Not everything you might set out to accomplish or acquire goes the way you'd expect. Detours can be frustrating and it's easy to lose sight of where you're going. Distractions are everywhere and tough to see past when the path stays on course, never mind when you get pushed on several off-chutes along the way.

Each time I have set out to make a positive change, the universe appears to be testing my dedication and resolve. I wouldn't know if anything worth having could actually be won the easy way, it just isn't how my life unfolds. Far from complaining, I am grateful that my years have been hard won. I know, more than most, just what I am capable of and just how hard I will keep pushing toward something because of the many challenges I've faced before.

Maybe this is why I have never felt overwhelmed or burdened raising my sons alone. While it has been nothing close to easy, I know it could have been so much more difficult. The more we go through as a family, the stronger we become. I might never have chosen to risk the security of a 40 hour a week paycheck to work for myself doing what I love, had I not come out of divorce and entered into single parenthood a more positive and driven person. And without the love and respect of my sons, no amount of strength or vision could have led to me making such a choice.

I am a happier, less stressed, more involved mother than I was just three years ago. Though I'm far from the version of motherhood I had once hoped to exemplify, the direction I've moved in is far more natural and seems to garner the boys' cooperation and respect rather than forcibly extract it. We are unconventional in many ways, and right now I am quite okay with that. It works for us.

I may look back and wish I had done things differently, years from now, but I doubt that I will ever second guess my effectiveness as a mother on the whole. I never planned to have children, and when that changed, I didn't plan on raising them alone. Things happen the way they do and sometimes it's the universe's way of getting you to prove to yourself what it already knows; you can do, face, and rise above any hurdle or roadblock, though sometimes you might need help gathering up self-confidence and belief.

This is the life that I have been given. I may not be able to change what has passed, but I can make choices that shape the days that are still to come.