A friend shared a post that contained truths I wish all parents, married or divorced, knew and used. The detriment we cause our children by waging wars after divorce, or sadly during marriage does more than shake the foundation of their childhood. They are learning how to treat you, their siblings, their friends, and their future mates, and the examples they are deriving this behavior and information from should be free from pettiness and hatred.
Divorce sucks. Hell, an unhappy marriage sucks. That doesn't mean your children have to suffer. My ex-husband is a lot of things, but being a decent husband, ex-husband and father are sadly not any of them. I chose to get divorced because our home had become too tumultuous for our sons. In the early years of our divorce, it wasn't easy to bite my tongue about my views or feelings. I did the best I could because I knew that no matter how I felt about him, my sons should still see him as their father and respect him as such.
I became good at curbing my anger at some of the things he did and said while the children were with him. One of my go-to phrases was 'I don't agree with [insert whatever the ex said or did]' rather than call him names and attempt to demean him in front of my sons. My ex didn't make it easy - there always seems to be one in a divorce who doesn't. I lost count of how many times I wanted to shake him and scream 'what in the hell were you thinking'. Throughout my marriage and divorce, I had to run damage control. I would either hear him tell the boys something completely off-the-wall wrong or they'd come home telling me things he'd said. As frustrating as it was, it was a good practice in choosing my words carefully.
Despite the difficulties their father created for me, every birthday, Father's Day and Christmas I brought the boys shopping for him. It didn't matter that he rarely did the same, what was important was that their relationship with him wasn't tainted by my issues with him. I wanted their connections with their father to be about them and not about how I felt about him. This also affected how they viewed me. By putting my issues aside and making it possible for them to feel free to celebrate their father, I earned their respect and trust. They weren't unaware that I was at odds with their dad, but they knew it wasn't part of how they should feel about him and it didn't get in the way of their relationship with him.
Eventually, his own issues and antics caught up with him and his sons chose to stop seeing him. While I find this sad, I know that I did everything I could to provide them with an untainted view of their father. His irresponsibility, unreliability, and disrespect of me became apparent to his sons without any added outside interference. Since that time the three of us have had numerous discussions about him. Honest, frank discussions. They ask; I answer - without censoring myself. Here's the thing, though, I still choose to avoid name-calling and demeaning.
During our marriage, my ex was diagnosed/labeled by a therapist as a narcissist. While my sons knew something wasn't right and their own frustrations and emotional turmoil led to their decision to walk away from having a relationship with him, they didn't understand him. Even until recent years, when we finally had the discussion surrounding narcissism, they would have intermittent contact with him, get their hopes up that he was finally getting his life together and then be left disappointed. They will never have the kind of father-son relationship that they deserve and that saddens me greatly. My hope is that they have a better understanding of what their father is and isn't capable of as a result of his narcissism and avoid further disappointment. I think they have both come to the realization that any connection with their father will always be limited by his personality disorder and not because they aren't good enough.
My sons have the benefit of many lessons in how to and how not to treat others. They have enough information and experience to recognize unhealthy relationships, people, and situations. If that is the good that comes from not having the traditional loving father influence, so be it. I made mistakes in the early years of divorce, but I am grateful to have corrected them quickly and within full view of my sons. I never played the victim or pitted them against their father, but I didn't allow the negative things he exposed my children to or said to them go unaddressed either. Regardless of how things were or weren't reciprocated, the example I provided will hopefully continue to influence how they treat others and equally important, how they allow others to treat them. In the end, it's all about the two of them and their well-being. I'm grateful I wasn't blinded by hate. I wish more people could say the same.
No comments:
Post a Comment