When my sons were younger, I was far more strict than I am today. They needed more guidance and discipline. It's a somewhat freeing experience to be able to put that part of parenting aside and focus on helping them mature and prepare for life beyond home. Once in a great while, however, I have to put my stern mom hat and reaffirm expectations and boundaries.
My youngest son has had far freer teenage years than his older brother. Due in part to where we now live, his interests and opportunities for socialization and fun are far greater than his brother's were at this age. I've always tried to treat my children as individuals with a modicum of equality. My oldest would sass back or step out of line, I'd spiral into a lecture and ground him and he'd behave. My youngest, however, this one has proved to be more of a challenge.
It isn't as though either of them has been a handful; they are actually better teenagers than I could have hoped for. That said when something does happen that warrants a discussion and possible consequences, I take my role as a parent seriously. It's been awhile since I've had to be the heavy and I can't say I enjoy it.
While my oldest son would do things full-on, my youngest is a bit less obvious. He will give me part of the details for plans, he chooses his words carefully being vague enough that he's created a loophole — in other words, he's sneaky. I had a sister who was like this growing up, so I've been prepared. When he gets called on something he typically smiles as though he's charming enough to make me forget that he was actually attempting to undermine my role. He may not have been able to carry out whatever prohibited deed he was intending, so I can't dole out the kind of punishment I might have if he had been successful, but I can take steps to prevent that kind of behavior down the road.
Something else this kid does that his brother didn't is harp on something I've already nixed. He's done this since he could talk. At no point have I ever caved and changed my mind as a result of his incessant "but mom" and "please" and he usually ends up with more of a consequence the longer he insists on badgering me about whatever he wanted to do. Still, even after a lifetime of this tactic not working he employs it whenever he isn't getting his way.
Last night, I said 'no' to a mid-week sleepover. Seniors do not have school today due to underclassman testing. It wouldn't have been an issue had his friend lived five minutes away, but the reality of attending a charter school is that your kid's friends are scattered in towns up to an hour away. Given my current workload, the prospect of carting him to and fro was one I wasn't in the mood to entertain, nor did I want to be without a vehicle. So, I laid out the disappointment in no uncertain terms and the bargaining and attempt to change my mind began.
I'm not an unreasonable person and I've allowed my sons a relatively relaxed parent-child relationship that doesn't negate the fact that as chill as I might be about swearing and pot, I will not be disrespected. Repeated attempts to wear me down once I've made a decision is a form of disrespect that I won't tolerate. After a solid fifteen minutes of back and forth about the issue, I turned to him and told him he was spoiled as all hell and the fact that I rarely say no should be something he takes into consideration. In no uncertain terms, despite his brother offering to bring him to his friend's house, I let him know that had he approached things differently - say by arranging his own transportation from the get-go, I might have said yes. The fact that he chose to be a spoiled brat and badger me like a five-year-old, he now was not only home for the night, but he wasn't going to have use of the car today either.
I have never believed that a rigid upbringing was the way to go. I set expectations early on and, for the most part, I've maintained them. While I am fully aware that the issues I've faced raising my sons, particularly as a single parent, have been mild compared to some, that doesn't mean that I let things like disrespect and spoiled behavior go unaddressed. Have I intentionally spoiled this child? No, but in allowing him to do nearly everything he wants because he's a good kid, I've helped create a sense of entitlement that makes him dig his heels in the sand. When the moments to correct this present themselves, I don't hesitate. Someone somewhere will be grateful this kid had a decent upbringing one day, and I will have to make one less apology for the adult I helped him emerge as.
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