As is the case with most bloggers, I write about whatever is currently of interest, or is happening in my life. Well, most being relative to this type of blog. There are days that are more challenging to write through than others; particularly if there's a lot going on. Life is currently providing me with a dizzying array of subject matter, but it seems to be thoughts surrounding expectations that are vying for the most attention right now.
I have horrible writing habits. I allow myself to be distracted by the most mundane and absurd things online, as well as around me in the physical world. Really, it's a wonder I manage to ever focus long enough to produce a few paragraphs, day to day. I would have to say that part of the reason I'm so scattered, and seem to lack commitment, is because I have unrealistic expectations of myself. My ideal situation for writing is so rigid at times, that the stress alone seems to push me further into a state of being easily distracted.
It wasn't until I unexpectedly found myself at the start of something new with a guy a friend of mine had been attempting to get me to connect with, that I even considered examining the whole process of setting expectations. Like why do we have to have them, when should they be let go, how often should they be altered...that kind of thing. It wasn't long before I realized that my life is one big series of run-on expectations, and some of them are so sorely out-of-date or ridiculous, it's crazy.
I think at least for me, that allowing my mind to expect specific things, particularly in areas that I am not familiar with, is a way of maintaining a feeling of confidence. As though simply expecting a result or outcome will keep everything within me in balance. I suppose that does work for the most part, but without allowing life to occur and present itself free of any preconceived assumptions or suppositions, aren't we just confining ourselves to select experiences? How is that the same as really living? If everything I do needs to fall within some presumption I make based on previous experience with a similar circumstance, how on earth will I ever learn or continue to evolve?
When I consider this, it occurs to me that I've been operating many facets of my life under a faulty mindset. Enter all those thoughts of should, could, and would. In order to feel secure in some things, having an idea of what will, can, or should occur is alright, but when that way of approaching uncertainty takes over every interaction, thought, or task...it's an impossible way to live. Not to mention it creates some very rigid standards, and that takes a toll on actually experiencing the world around us.
I find that, at the moment, I am grateful for having absolutely no idea what will happen with this truly incredible guy, and I'm going to continue refusing to allow myself to 'expect' anything other than respect and kindness along the way as we get to know one another. It isn't so much moving around blindly, as it is just being completely and absolutely open. That kind of experience has value beyond any kind of projection or summation I could ever make. And what a practice in learning to draw all focus away from things that distract needlessly. I don't think I ever would have thought there was a direct connection between focus and shedding expectations. Amazing how life presents lessons and a-ha moments...all we have to do is be receptive and open to what they hold.
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