Fading And All But Forgotten

Occasionally I am my own worst enemy. Probably more often than I'd like to admit. Definitely, more than someone of my self-assuredness ought to be on any given day.

There is a rhythm to life that is easy to take for granted when it carries on for a good, long while. We get used to the seamless way in which things occur, so it comes as a shock or surprise when suddenly they seem to be vastly different. When you're expecting it, change is par for the course, but when it sneaks up and bites you in the ass...well, it outright sucks.

I will never be perfect, nor do I ever want to be. I'm generally okay with the fact that I make mistakes from time to time though I am far more likely to give others more understanding than I extend to myself. Which is why it is so difficult to reconcile when I'm being overly sensitive and when I'm being keenly perceptive.

Relationships ride a wave that ebbs and flows. Sometimes the change in current is hardly noticeable while other times it's tough to stay above the surface. I hate when it's rough waters. Certainly growth between people comes from a little adversity, but every once in awhile there's also fear that the disconcerting feelings of doom are justified and inevitable. I never want this to be the case.

I like to believe that everyone has some redeeming quality; that every relationship has a safety net. Though it is true that trying times bring people closer, they also drive a wedge between what was and what could have been so that you find yourself in what will never be. What do you do when you are facing an impasse and have no idea how you arrived at this no-win moment? Maybe there were signs, but they never seemed to be worrisome enough to heed. If there was no warning at all, how on earth do you digest and deal with the relative surprise and painful realization that something is broken?

I've grown less prone to dramatics as I've aged, and I can say for certain that I have no love for drawn out dilemmas. It isn't as though I'm without feeling, I just don't see the point in lingering over things that are clearly cut and dry. Maybe I'm apathetic, but I think maybe I'm just a realist when it comes to human interaction. We grow together and fade apart, and only the strongest of us make our way back toward one another.

I might never stop being surprised by the sudden and intense changes my relationships take, but they are a part of this life and no amount of denial or protest will change their path. Like it or not, some people are in your life for brief moments, never to be a part of the big picture in the end. I still reel for awhile when someone fades from my day to day, all too soon a fading memory that every so often might be recalled.

So much more difficult when you realize you're the one fading from someone else's world.