And So It Is

In the past two weeks there has been a whole lot more discussion about college. It occurs to me that I really am nearing the end of this stage of parenting. Without a doubt there will be many other stages througout my sons' lives, but the level of activity and degree of focus that will be required of me is soon to lessen greatly. By all accounts, I expected to be feeling far differently about it than I do. While I know it will be tough when the time finally arrives, I'm currently enjoying the prospect of more time on my hands to do whatever I want to do — even if that is just lounging about by myself. It's been a long 20 years thus far, and I wouldn't change a thing. I guess I feel like this was always the goal — to send them out in the world more or less ready to live their own lives, and therefore I feel like it's a sort of pay day.

Knowing that the day I can make big changes, like moving south, is getting closer certainly doesn't hurt my enthusiasm when I think about the kids moving out. It will be a few years yet before the youngest is truly out on his own, but his spending a majority of the year away at school is a great way for me to break my new found freedoms in.

There will always be moments when I miss them being around, needing me, causing a ruckus, but I have those times now. I doubt, even after they've established themselves as grown men, I will be spared that pang of nostalgia I sometimes get when a memory of them as little boys takes over my mind. If they ever have children of their own, I'm sure it will only amplify those snippets of life lost to time. As long as I have my memories, I will always want to hug and squeeze them, scooping them up into my lap to shower them in a million kisses once more.

None of that means I have to dread the coming years. Who knows what will come tomorrow? Ten years from now? Twenty...there are certain to be many more memories and times to treasure. There will be things I want to forget and things I'll carry in my heart. I have no doubts that no matter what happens, they will always be my first and longest loves. They are my world now, just as they were the moment they breathed in those first gulps of air, just as they will continue to be when the time we spend together is infrequent and short.

I'm not rushing this whole college tour process, I'm going to take it in. The next year and a half is going to be exhausting, but in the very best of ways. I can't wait to kick of the official beginning of this final leg of of my childrearing journey. I expect it will be over in what feels like the wink of an eye. Better make sure to have my camera and phone at the ready.