Some days I fail to live up to the person I am capable of being and I don't even realize it. We all stumble and fall in our attempts to be better than we were the day before, but occasionally we didn't even know we tripped up somewhere along the way. Not until it is called to our attention.
I've gotten rather complacent when it comes to social media. Without a doubt, I use it faithfully, but I made the mistake of allowing it to narrow my scope of interactions. The unfortunate result is that I've missed a number of things in the lives of people I care about. While there may be explanations as to why less and less of the posts I used to see are popping up in my newsfeed, the end result is that I dropped the ball. I relied on the internet to keep me up-to-speed with my friends' lives, which is honestly the laziest thing I could do.
Life gets busy, we find ourselves pulled in far too many directions sometimes, and we forget the simplest of things, like staying in touch. Before you know it months go by without uttering so much as a 'hey, how are you?' to a friend. Maybe several. I am wholly guilty of this. Most of the time something reminds me that I should reach out and catch up, though sometimes that just isn't the case.
Last night, it was brought to my attention that I had been MIA in the friendship department with someone I have known, valued and cared for going on two decades. Knowing that it was highly out of character for me to let life-changing events go by without acknowledgement, this friend sent me a message. I realized in an instant that not only had my silence/absence been unusual, it had hurt her deeply. Not only had I failed to be there for her during a difficult loss, I also created a whole in an otherwise healthy friendship. Knowing the enormity of the impact this has had on her life, I consider myself fortunate that she reached out to me at all.
There are no guarantees that any of the work we do within ourselves to become more whole, more positive and all-around-better versions of the people we once were will prevent us from taken people for granted. The bitch of it is that we are always going to fuck up somewhere, and those fuck-ups will likely cause someone we love hurt. There's just no way to avoid it completely. Being able to own those failures is the first step to making amends. Understanding that some hurts can be beyond a person's capacity to move forward in a friendship is helpful to finding peace within yourself, but also in realizing that when the pain you've caused is forgiven, you've been given an incredible gift. A gift that should never be left out carelessly again.
This isn't about feeling sorry for one's self, it is about carrying the full weight of an action or inaction that negatively impacted someone else and making the conscious effort to put an end to it. I can never go back and offer my love, support or words of comfort to her during the time when she needed them most, and I have to live with that. What I can do is be mindful of the present, and take every opportunity to extend those things going forward. I could well have lost a longtime friend for being so selfishly oblivious to her devastating loss, but instead, I consider myself most fortunate to have been forgiven and to know such an amazing and understanding soul.
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