Today my father would have been 61. He only lived part way into his 39th year of life, before cancer stopped the adventure train. Twenty-one years after that loss, there are still days when the remnants of sorrow over the loss of his unique and loving presence bring tears to my eyes. It isn't difficult to remember the overwhelming grief, the agony of death's finality, or seeing the pain on the faces of those who knew and loved him.
Just how do we move from inconsolable mourning to experiencing joy again? When the emotional turmoil is so fresh, so intense, it's all-consuming. That there are other things to think about or do, other feelings that wait to burst forth, seems so impossible when the pain has flooded your soul. I think the reason it's so hard to move past loss, hurt, and disappointment is because we hold everything good in our lives up in comparison to the vast pit of heartache, sorrow, or despair left by what or who we lost.
It isn't that the positive light has left us or diminished, it's that we wear our pain like a sort of camera filter, making it difficult to see what is all around us. Removing that filter is the only way the good in our lives can ever help is heal. More often than not, the process of shedding the obscured view we may have shielded ourselves from life with is an arduous process. One that may take months, and a whole lot of repeatedly starting over, each time we allow the hurt to snap whatever life obstruction we have found ourselves using back up over our eyes.
Some of us try to heal too quickly, not processing what the pain means or figuring out how to continue on our journey without that loved one, or separate from the loss we may have suffered. Others grip tightly to the despair in the hopes that somehow, someway a part of what we lost will stay. Still more refuse to ever deal with their emotions, moving swiftly into whatever comes their way, ignoring the buildup of sadness and grief each time they do so.
There is no actual guidebook that works for every, single one of us when it comes to dealing with loss and pain. No step-by-step, foolproof manifesto on getting beyond the hurt and learning to enjoy life again. Just like there is not designated time for mourning, there is no way to know how long the sorrow will ache. I believe that what makes it all the more tragic, is that many have no idea how to be okay with going through and feeling every ounce of heartbreak and desolation. The prospect of feeling that kind of rawness is too much for some, and the panic and fear lock them in place. They are unable to move forward, unwilling to feel, yet completely consumed by the torment, and stuck in a limbo that can take more from them they are not prepared to lose.
Pain, while painful is part of life. Without it, we couldn't possibly feel the depth and richness of joy, at least not in the way that makes us long for the happiest of moments. When we experience loss, we neglect to remember all that we still have in our lives. It isn't that the loss is trivial, or shouldn't be felt. It's that the wonderful things that make our lives so full, so meaningful are the exact things that can keep us afloat when all we want to do is drown.
Like it or not, life goes on. And yes, it moves forward without whoever we've lost (through death or a parting of ways), or whatever job, goal or lifestyle we once held. If we only remember that pain has an automatic filter that hides the joy from us when we need it most, then maybe we can move into our tomorrow, and all the tomorrows we are granted beyond that with lighter, brighter hearts and minds. Maybe then we can see the silver lining each day brings us, and realize loss doesn't mean we have been forbidden to seek the positive light around us.
Some of us try to heal too quickly, not processing what the pain means or figuring out how to continue on our journey without that loved one, or separate from the loss we may have suffered. Others grip tightly to the despair in the hopes that somehow, someway a part of what we lost will stay. Still more refuse to ever deal with their emotions, moving swiftly into whatever comes their way, ignoring the buildup of sadness and grief each time they do so.
There is no actual guidebook that works for every, single one of us when it comes to dealing with loss and pain. No step-by-step, foolproof manifesto on getting beyond the hurt and learning to enjoy life again. Just like there is not designated time for mourning, there is no way to know how long the sorrow will ache. I believe that what makes it all the more tragic, is that many have no idea how to be okay with going through and feeling every ounce of heartbreak and desolation. The prospect of feeling that kind of rawness is too much for some, and the panic and fear lock them in place. They are unable to move forward, unwilling to feel, yet completely consumed by the torment, and stuck in a limbo that can take more from them they are not prepared to lose.
Pain, while painful is part of life. Without it, we couldn't possibly feel the depth and richness of joy, at least not in the way that makes us long for the happiest of moments. When we experience loss, we neglect to remember all that we still have in our lives. It isn't that the loss is trivial, or shouldn't be felt. It's that the wonderful things that make our lives so full, so meaningful are the exact things that can keep us afloat when all we want to do is drown.
Like it or not, life goes on. And yes, it moves forward without whoever we've lost (through death or a parting of ways), or whatever job, goal or lifestyle we once held. If we only remember that pain has an automatic filter that hides the joy from us when we need it most, then maybe we can move into our tomorrow, and all the tomorrows we are granted beyond that with lighter, brighter hearts and minds. Maybe then we can see the silver lining each day brings us, and realize loss doesn't mean we have been forbidden to seek the positive light around us.
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