I Tripped, Again

I had an ugly, inner moment earlier today. I don't enjoy when negative thoughts and emotions by for my attention and win. The feelings of falling short of my ongoing intention to be a positive, uplifting soul instantly show up, followed swiftly by a self-directing mantra that prevents either thought process to take root and undo the progress I have made on this introspection trek.

 Like it or not, being human means stumbling over ourselves from time to time. I know I can be an asshole, both toward a person and in overall presence when I'm in a foul mood. Regrettably, people I care about bear the brunt of those times when I'm feeling a bit rotten. Luckily, they understand that everyone has a bad day, and deserves a little leeway.

Though my preference would be not to let these less than flattering feelings surface at all, I am better off for being able to distinguish them for what they are. This morning's moment was a flash of jealousy, in retrospect I have no doubts it was simply irritation and anger with myself for not having gotten farther with a goal that I had set. It had nothing to do with the other person, and in truth, I recognized that instantly.

Most of us are hardest on ourselves, but how many of us can claim that we turned that inner disappointment and languishing energy into achieving what we set out to do? For two seconds I could see where someone else was likely to succeed at a similar goal, and how incredible it will be given what preceded it, and I scoffed at them in my head. I inhaled deep and called bullshit, forcing me to stop and be honest about what I was thinking.

I don't make it a habit to begrudge others what they have, what they earn, and what their energy attracts. Sadly, I once did. It took some painful sessions of internal examination to lift myself out of that pit, and I have no intentions of going back. Clearly, that doesn't mean I won't still have mini-relapses that all serve to remind me of how far I've come. And what I still have yet to do.

I figure, these lapses in clear thinking keep me honest with the most important person in my life - me.