Sake Fueled Introspection

Irritable, pissy, amused and perched on the edge of 'something'. This would be the most articulate description of my current mood that I am able to muster presently. Conflicting, somewhat vague and yes, seemingly impossible to experience all at once time.

The truth is that though I may be vigorously vacillating between these emotions, there is next to no distinctive difference. I can clearly identify each of these feelings - and there are still a few more lurking around the center of this fun-fest of emotion, but they all run together like a pack of wild dogs. It would be relatively easy to give a basic list of the reasons for such a mixed bag of whatever this is, but revealing that shit just isn't my thing. It isn't like divulging such things would change my present state of being.

Before one second is over, I go from smiling at the wonder my life has known to lamenting over that which continues to elude me. Followed immediately by an internal chastising lecture to not allow myself to be 'that person', and the general feeling that despite all my efforts and progress, I am not as complete as I could be. There is still a kink in the works that are my life.

Without a doubt I can continue on, mostly unfettered without that one thing, that's actually more a collection of things. There would be next to no distracting regret; no heavy weight of 'what if' that would follow me as my inevitably numbered days dwindle.  I could easily live out the remaining time of my existence and be no worse for wear if that 'thing' never visited my doorstep - never let it's presence touch my soul.

So why do I pay it any mind in the slightest? Why, indeed. It's very existence is an echo I hear all around me, impossible to ignore. Regardless of what I have, what I am, this has never been something I've experienced beyond that of a borrowed moment. And while most of the time I am content to go about my days full of everything I have, I am still prone to wonder what it would be to own such a compilation of moments and not feel like I was accidentally standing in someone else's place.

The silver lining is that I am more self-aware than I ever have been, and those hiccups I once saw as downfalls or weaknesses - those times when I fully admit I want something I don't have, that I'm envious, that there are times when all I am just doesn't make up for that one thing, are completely and totally normal. I am a million and one points of light, but only 9/10s of those lights are able to fully shine on the world around me and light my way at any given time. Sometimes the hiccup is that the light that would direct me best, was obscured by another that thought it knew better where I was headed.