Has It Been Two Weeks Already?

Resurrecting the old blog during this time of uncertain and bizarre reality. I'd like to be focused on writing something else. Anything else, to be honest. The problem is, this is so fresh, so new and so uncharted I cannot begin to push my thoughts and emotions aside. I go through an ever growing array of feelings within any given hour – from positive to pensive and from fearful to unaffected. This pandemic has perimenopause looking like a toddler's temper tantrum.

People have long been disturbed, a bit touched, off-balance and otherwise, cuckoo, but on March 12, 2020 all bets were clearly off. News of the pandemic caused the inexplicable onset of hoarding of toilet paper. For a virus that has intestinal issues listed as 'rare,' this boggles the mind. That is, until you realize that the toilet paper shortage – no, the absolute scarcity of it – is more likely the result of opportunistic assholes who would sooner make money than be courteous and thoughtful of their fellow Americans. Cleaning agents like Lysol, Clorox and basically anything with bleach or ammonia have also been bought in mass quantity, leaving little more than dust on the store shelves once designated to display them. It's like some unfinished plot line is a far-fetched movie.

The news is conflicting, though that has probably withstood the chaos and is a standout of the now old norm. I try to refrain from watching much of it, sticking to a select, short list of trusted and respectable news outlets. I learned valuable lessons in the days and weeks following 9/11 about preserving my sanity and maintaining independent thought. I like to think that I'm a rational, compassionate and somewhat intelligent person, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. Without a doubt, I have strong opinions about what is happening, and how our government and we as a people are responding to this situation, but it isn't worth the added turmoil and unrest to air them on a continual basis, particularly via social media. I choose to disengage when confronted with opinions of others that are dressed in instant defensiveness, especially when the opinions shared are clearly a regurgitation of what I view as disreputable sources. It isn't worth my energy and I certainly don't have the space to let negative energy in these days. My primary effort is based in keeping that shit as far from me as possible. Choosing to embrace positive things is not always easy, in fact, it rarely is, but it is a far better way to live life.

When things go wrong, the pull to give in and give up can almost be a relief. It's not often our thoughts continue to envision worst case scenarios when we are mired in sadness, disappointment, hurt or grief. Those emotions consume us and are oddly almost comfortable, as though we've landed in a spot that's secure, even in all the uncertainty, fear and devastation. Joy and feeling good, however, are where most of us are all too aware how far the fall is from feeling great. Even if we push the second thoughts or the what ifs aside, the knowledge that 'this too shall end' is always waiting to present us with its 'I told you so's.' Giving in is almost certainly always easier than digging in and pushing forward. Easier isn't better and more than not lacks substance or meaning.

So in this new normal, I'm once again recognizing the importance of continuing to find the silver lining in each day, each situation and anytime I become aware that the weight of worry is pulling away from the good things that still exist and matter around me. I've been home for 14 days now, adjusting little by little whenever it's clear I need to redirect my energy. Hoping for the best outcome, but prepared to face the unimaginable with all of me trained to see the benefit and promise, while at the same time acknowledging the hardships and sadness that is sure to come.