Day 18 of Self-Isolation 2020:
What do you do when you're most proficient at finding ways to avoid doing things you know you should be doing? I've spent some serious time avoiding things that are productive or fooling myself into thinking I'm trying to be efficient by analyzing the fuck out of everything. Ultimately, I'm wasting valuable time and letting some of the best writing material pass me by - all because I frequently find myself paralyzed from taking the right kind of action.
The same could be said for my dating life. I'm easy-going enough and appreciate artistic souls, but all too often I find myself knee-deep in situations that aren't conducive to the path I'm on. Of course, being the person I am, much rationalizing and compromise is made to make a true faith effort, without acknowledging the simple truth that a square peg will not fit in a round hole. It doesn't matter how much I give, do or want something to pan out, at the end of the day, the fact that I'm the only one putting in any kind of effort should be all the evidence necessary to pack it up and move on.
In this madness of pandemic protocol, much of what I do or do to avoid doing actual things is without a doubt the biggest disservice to my life and my goals. The reality is that being homebound with no clear end date for someone who excels at procrastination like I do, is a recipe for years of regret. I know that I could be making far better use of my time than binge-watching mindless television series, baking copious amounts of snack foods than necessary for two people, and spending hours on social media without any true purpose, yet here I am, 18 days into self-quarantine and what exactly do I have to show for it?
Now, part of this reluctance to get real is based in the disbelief that we are facing the type of situation that we are - I mean, who really wants to admit that life as we know it has once again changed drastically, but post 9/11, the change will be far more lengthy in its devastation economically, socially and historically. We are living through something that has only hinted at the level of seriousness because honestly, there are few of us who could willingly comprehend the gravity of all this pandemic will annihilate of life as we know it.
So, instead of delving deeper into writing my book, I distract myself with all manner of import, desperately clinging to the illusion that I can maintain my path and minimize the level of fucked beyond belief that I will find myself when this all starts to even out again. It's laughable that there's even the thought of leveling off or evening out. Whether it's under 5% of the world's population that is met by death when all is said and done or not, that's a fucking insane number of people to be taken from the world and anyone who is even half-way aware of that will have a difficult time getting 'back to normal.'
More than half of the people I am friends with on social media have resorted to drinking far more than they likely did before COVID-19 became a pandemic and forced us into isolation to prevent the spread - and I understand far more than I'd like to admit just why that is. Facing the reality that life is undergoing a monumental upheaval is beyond difficult for those who are what I'd consider well-adjusted, so for the rest of the population who were barely hanging in there or who had reached 'expert' level in avoidance of the truth, this situation has shined a spotlight on Americans' inability to keep calm and move on. Granted, there's a bit of fun and humor in how we are devolving, if you don't look too closely or for too long.
That there is an altogether too large section of the population who value their 'freedoms' over the safety, health, and lives of others isn't news. Frankly, I'm disgusted at the lengths people are going to just to flaunt how little regard they have for their fellow Americans. This alone has made it challenging on a daily basis to find the silver lining before my head hits the pillow at night. Challenging, but not impossible. Despite all the negativity and the grim outlook in the coming weeks, finding the smallest nuggets of positive energy has become my main objective. I'd be crumbling into a big, waling heap on the floor if I weren't redirecting my thoughts and embracing what I am grateful for in my life.
It isn't easy, and often times it is just barely enough to pull me away from the edge of the downward spiral of pessimism. The thing is, I won't stop. Even getting one step ahead of the madness is progress and it means I've made it through another day relatively unscathed. I may not be focusing on the things I want to be doing or I think I should be doing, but clearly, my mind is fixed on keeping itself as healthy and capable of seeing the good around me. Just like extreme fatigue can force us to get much-needed rest for our health and well-being, spending your days staying ahead of the depressing and paralyzing realities dawning is no small feat and should not be seen as failure or weakness.
This is my perspective. Whatever you're doing right now to stay ahead of the panic, depression, anxiety, fear, etc, that isn't causing your body, mind, soul or anyone else's harm, keep doing it. You might be treading water, but that means your head is still above water and you aren't drowning. My emotions and thoughts right now vacillate between 'I've got this' and 'we are all fucked.' The important thing is that I manage to pull myself out of the depths of dread by employing a few different techniques. The newest of these is something I learned from Mel Robbins (she's freaking brilliant). I won't even begin to do it justice, but the idea is to interrupt your thought process by consciously counting backward from 5, out loud. I was skeptical, but I find myself using this regularly, whether it's to interrupt that inner hampster wheel or I need to get serious about tackling a task I've been procrastinating around. Other similar things are getting up from wherever I'm sitting and walking into another room. I would venture a guess that it's engaging a similar disrupter in my brain. I've also gotten out in the fresh air and gone for a short walk, cranked loud, heavy music for a song or two, or allowed someone else's interruption of my time pulling me out of the cycle. The key is finding what works for you AND having the discipline to use it.
This afternoon, as I sat down to write, I was antsy and struggling to sit still long enough to get anything at all out on the screen. My roommate can be quite verbose and despite my initial internal eye roll when he started a conversation with me, I visualized that countdown from 5 to 1 and relaxed into being his captive audience. By the end of the conversation, I was able to turn my attention to my laptop screen and started typing. It isn't always easy, but I cannot deny the real implications of resisting something you don't want to do - it always becomes far more unbearable and further roots your mindset in negativity. I don't always succeed, but more often than not, I manage to squash a bad mood or unproductive train of thought, and that's really all that matters. That and encouraging my inner belief that I can succeed, even if it's just in finding the best part of the day and celebrating it in some small way. Life may look like a shit sandwich right now, but even if everything is falling down around you, there is always something good worth your focus and energy.
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